Would You Punish This Behavior and If So, How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS15 had a big test today, one he's known about since the beginning of school year. Subject is one that he likes but has to work hard at to do well (better than a C).

He studied - sort of - over the past weekend although in my mind, wasted a lot of time and could have done much more to get himself ready for test.

Sunday night, we were gifted a couple of tickets for Nats game last night. DH was clear: You have this big test next day, game will be late, IF you are ready for test, you can go.

Monday afternoon (game day) DS asked me to help him review. Very clear to me that he had a long way to go in studying; couldn't answer basic questions from review sheet. DH said no game and took DC2 instead.

DS really upset (understandably), grabbed basketball and headed to the park. Stayed away a couple of hours, although texting me (at home) with updates on his whereabouts. He threatened in text to stay out late and sent a selfie from a location about 2 miles away. I kept cool and told him a favorite dinner was waiting. Returned home still upset, but ready to eat, take shower and study. Stayed up until about midnight studying. Said test today was "easy." We shall see.

My concern is the "running away" and refusing to return home when asked. If this is not punished, does it lead to staying out much later the next time he's upset?

Thanks for any advice. This is new behavior as he's generally a good kid.

I'm totally confused. The wildcard game was Tuesday. If you helped him review on Monday he still had time to study a lot Monday night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS15 had a big test today, one he's known about since the beginning of school year. Subject is one that he likes but has to work hard at to do well (better than a C).

He studied - sort of - over the past weekend although in my mind, wasted a lot of time and could have done much more to get himself ready for test.

Sunday night, we were gifted a couple of tickets for Nats game last night. DH was clear: You have this big test next day, game will be late, IF you are ready for test, you can go.

Monday afternoon (game day) DS asked me to help him review. Very clear to me that he had a long way to go in studying; couldn't answer basic questions from review sheet. DH said no game and took DC2 instead.

DS really upset (understandably), grabbed basketball and headed to the park. Stayed away a couple of hours, although texting me (at home) with updates on his whereabouts. He threatened in text to stay out late and sent a selfie from a location about 2 miles away. I kept cool and told him a favorite dinner was waiting. Returned home still upset, but ready to eat, take shower and study. Stayed up until about midnight studying. Said test today was "easy." We shall see.

My concern is the "running away" and refusing to return home when asked. If this is not punished, does it lead to staying out much later the next time he's upset?

Thanks for any advice. This is new behavior as he's generally a good kid.

I'm totally confused. The wildcard game was Tuesday. If you helped him review on Monday he still had time to study a lot Monday night.

OP again... so sorry... I just noticed that mistake and obviously no one else caught it either. I should have typed Tuesday afternoon (game day). Yes, you are right. He had all of Monday afternoon/ night to study as well, knowing since Sunday evening about the tickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell him to come home and he ignored you? If yes then I would punish for that by taking away the phone. If you tried tried to cajole him to come home or appealing to him then no I would not.

Thanks. Yes, I specifically told him by text to come home, twice. I also called and he didn't answer. Agree that phone is the logical punishment for this.

If I call my kid and they don’t answer they lose their phone for one day. If I text, same thing. Each incidence of ignoring me results in one day of lost phone privileges.

The primary reason for them to have a phone is so I can reach them. This is a hard line for me. Ignoring my texts or calls is not an option. Period.

I WILL FORCE YOU TO LOVE ME!!! That always ends well.

NP. Are you kidding? What does this have to do with "forcing you to love me?" This is a hard and fast phone rule at my house too. The purpose of the phone is not texting friends or playing games. It's to keep in touch with parents.

No why would anyone want to have fun with their device. I see that you are of thenI say ‘jump’ you say ‘how high’ school of parenting. Why not just get one of those shock collars for your kids in case they step the slightest bit out of line. I can assure you that when they are paying for their own phone they will relish not responding to you. The stick isn’t the solution to every dilemma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, and I sincerely appreciate all the comments. A few updates:

1) He doesn't know yet what he made on the test. Said it was "easy," but we all know that could mean anything.

2) We (DH and I) did have a good conversation with him about the whole event. We understood his anger and reiterated to him that he did the right thing by keeping in touch by text, even if he was staying away when asked to come home. We discussed the importance of communication and reminded him that the #1 purpose of that phone (which we pay for) is to keep in touch with parents. We did not punish him further - this time - by taking the phone away.

3) We also talked a lot about how we are walking the line between trying to support him academically when needed and holding him to expectations, while at the same time giving him more and more space to manage himself, with the goal being that he can do that effectively in 2.5 years when he's on his own. He understands that and feels the same way - vacillating between needing our help and wanting to manage it all himself.

4) We talked about how his Number One Job is school. Things - even big event things - will always come up. If you want to take advantage of them, he must stay on top of his responsibilities.

5) DH splurged on tickets to Sunday night's game! Due to a weird quirk in DS's schedule, he knows that he will have no tests and very little homework over the weekend and even Monday night.

GO NATS!

Thx for the update, sounded like a good talk with everyone on the same page going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are WAY too involved in his academics. He's what, a sophomore? He can be managing his own study scheduling. If he doesn't do well, that's on him. Judge him by his results, don't micromanage his studying. Seriously. Take four giant steps backwards.

Plus, he could have gone to that epic game with his dad, a memory he would have had for years. Now he just remembers that you didn't let him go because you didn't like how he was studying. Instead of punishment, you need to apologize.

This. Pretty soon, it's going to be hard to force a 15 year old to be home when you want. You need to start cutting the apron strings. The rule is home for dinner at x o'clock, that's it. You don't come home on time, you don't eat tonight. And everyone is home for the evening by y o'clock. Grades have to be a B average or whatever in order to continue to have x y z privileges. Do not micromanage tests, quizes, etc.

Plus 1000, all of the kids in my family were responsible for their own tests, grades etc. I don't think my parents generally even knew when we had tests in high school.

You don't want to be that DAd (my girlfriends husband) who drove two hours to his son's college during freshman year to help freshman with his
economics homework.

[Anonymous]

Agree and I thought I was tough. Wow just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are WAY too involved in his academics. He's what, a sophomore? He can be managing his own study scheduling. If he doesn't do well, that's on him. Judge him by his results, don't micromanage his studying. Seriously. Take four giant steps backwards.

Plus, he could have gone to that epic game with his dad, a memory he would have had for years. Now he just remembers that you didn't let him go because you didn't like how he was studying. Instead of punishment, you need to apologize.

This. Pretty soon, it's going to be hard to force a 15 year old to be home when you want. You need to start cutting the apron strings. The rule is home for dinner at x o'clock, that's it. You don't come home on time, you don't eat tonight. And everyone is home for the evening by y o'clock. Grades have to be a B average or whatever in order to continue to have x y z privileges. Do not micromanage tests, quizes, etc.

Plus 1000, all of the kids in my family were responsible for their own tests, grades etc. I don't think my parents generally even knew when we had tests in high school.

You don't want to be that DAd (my girlfriends husband) who drove two hours to his son's college during freshman year to help freshman with his
economics homework.

Sounds like a great dad, but if it is your girlfriend's husband, you are a louse for dating a married woman.

[Anonymous]

Don’t question your good parenting. If he wasn’t keeping up with school, he couldn’t go to the game. The rest of these parents saying otherwise shouldn’t judge your priorities. Good work, mom.

[Anonymous]

This sounds very similar to what happened to my sister's nephew, from her DH's side. They were visiting SIL and BIL, and their two kids. Nephew is very smart, thinking about going into astrophysics in college, in Europe. So, parents asked him, 16 year old if he is ready for his test and if so he can go out with aunt and uncle for dinner. So he said, he was ready, they all went out and had a nice time. He got a high B, or A- on his tests, Europe so something similar to that grade. His parents went nuts on him, screamed at him, grounded him, took his phone away, it was so uncomfortable for my sister and her DH to watch this whole circus! They told them that it is not the B, it is that he lied that he was ready. Sister said that she suspects they would have had the same reaction if he didn't go out and he got not a perfect score. BTW, her SIL and BIL have no college education, she got pregnant at 19 and they were supported by their ILS until some 10 years ago, when her DH got a real job! I am writing all this for a perspective, teens around the globe want to go out, and we, parents need to stop setting them up for failure with unnecessary expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds very similar to what happened to my sister's nephew, from her DH's side. They were visiting SIL and BIL, and their two kids. Nephew is very smart, thinking about going into astrophysics in college, in Europe. So, parents asked him, 16 year old if he is ready for his test and if so he can go out with aunt and uncle for dinner. So he said, he was ready, they all went out and had a nice time. He got a high B, or A- on his tests, Europe so something similar to that grade. His parents went nuts on him, screamed at him, grounded him, took his phone away, it was so uncomfortable for my sister and her DH to watch this whole circus! They told them that it is not the B, it is that he lied that he was ready. Sister said that she suspects they would have had the same reaction if he didn't go out and he got not a perfect score. BTW, her SIL and BIL have no college education, she got pregnant at 19 and they were supported by their ILS until some 10 years ago, when her DH got a real job! I am writing all this for a perspective, teens around the globe want to go out, and we, parents need to stop setting them up for failure with unnecessary expectations.

This sounds nothing remotely even close to the OP’s situation. You are wacky.