Would You Punish This Behavior and If So, How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, pulling the game was a dick move. That’s not how you motivate kids.

Especially in 15-year-old boys. This will only breed resentment. OP and her DH have to change her approach or the next few years are gonna be rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, pulling the game was a dick move. That’s not how you motivate kids.

+100

That breaks my heart. What an epic game, and exciting beyond words for Caps fans. No punishment, and please apologize for having overreacted. You can have the talk about his reaction after you discuss *your* overreaction.

Signed,
Mom of adult children

[Anonymous]

You suck as parents. Your son had the opportunity to bond with his dad during a game he wouldn't ever have forgotten. Coming back in 8th inning and the fans going wild is something your son would have remembered the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You suck as parents. Your son had the opportunity to bond with his dad during a game he wouldn't ever have forgotten. Coming back in 8th inning and the fans going wild is something your son would have remembered the rest of his life.

And how would anyone have predicted that the game would turn out like it did? That's not fair to OP. It just as easily could have been a disaster, very unmemorable event.

[Anonymous]

It was a wild card game. By definition, it was important. It wasn’t just one of hundreds of regular games. I’m sad for the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you about saying "no" to the game. We faced something like that when my kid was the same age.

After that, if he dealt with it poorly but kept you informed where he was, I'd handle it with a discussion and not a punishment.

All that said... if you knew over the weekend that he wasn't preparing, and you knew where things were headed, you set him up. Don't do that.

OP again, and thank you for these last comments. In hindsight, I see that now and I see our error.

Over the weekend, he definitely wasn't studying like he should have. When we learned about the tickets on Sunday, I guess we were expecting him to swing into action to get ready for the test -- study Sunday night, talk to his teacher about it on Monday, etc. I should have known that wasn't a likely outcome, at least for this particular class.

We will talk to him about violating our phone rule (you respond to parents when they're trying to contact you) and also for the running/ staying out. But I will also apologize for not fully investigating his test situation from the beginning, and dangling the tickets as a reward for being prepared, when I should have known then he wouldn't be ready.

[Anonymous]

I really don't think you need to apologize for saying no to the game. The expectations were clear and he easily could have studied more if he really wanted to see it. And it's a one-time deal rather than a pattern of keeping him away from fun stuff - which will hopefully just serve as an incentive to put in more effort in the future.

I do think that not getting to see the game was sufficient punishment, though. Insisting on an additional formal punishment would only serve to make him angrier. A good discussion where everyone listens to one another and avoids being accusatory would be much better to maintain cordial relations and make him more likely to cooperate, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are WAY too involved in his academics. He's what, a sophomore? He can be managing his own study scheduling. If he doesn't do well, that's on him. Judge him by his results, don't micromanage his studying. Seriously. Take four giant steps backwards.

Plus, he could have gone to that epic game with his dad, a memory he would have had for years. Now he just remembers that you didn't let him go because you didn't like how he was studying. Instead of punishment, you need to apologize.

OP here. Yes, he is a sophomore and actually, I'm not involved much at all in his studies. He asked me to help him review yesterday afternoon. The comments about studying over the weekend were just my observation; I said nothing to him about it.

I agree that he missed a wonderful game and I'm very sorry about that. But I didn't tell him he couldn't go because I didn't like how he was studying. It was late in the afternoon and, in asking him questions from the review sheet (which I had not seen until that point), I could tell that he had no idea about a couple of the major concepts.

He asked you to study and you punished him for it. If he hadn't asked you to study would you have let him go to the game? If there's even a possibility of that, then you just taught him that he should never ask for your help. That's a far worse impact on him than any single bad grade.

[Anonymous]

OP it is a hard situation because you want your DS to get to go to the game but it never should have been a option, regardless of how the game turned out. Both your kids had school the next day and one had a test. If there were only two tickets, Dad should have brought a friend and not taken either kid. Then both kids could gripe together and you could simply focus on getting a good sleep before school being important.

That said, taking away the game because your son had not prepared well is a hard thing for him to swallow. Of course he is going to be upset and a bit rebellious. I would sit down and discuss the situation with him. Give him a one time mulligan for not coming home when you told him too but explain that he is getting the break because you understand how disappointed he was to miss a big game. Talk about how to handle that type of disappointment better next time.

The test prep, or lack there of, is a different problem. It sounds like he needs some help learning how to study effectively. You can get tutors that will help with class work and with teaching a child how to prepare to study effectively.

[Anonymous]

I would have let him go to the game and do poorly on the test. Then I would have punished him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have let him go to the game and do poorly on the test. Then I would have punished him.

The poor test result is the punishment. What kind of sadist are you? OP, I think you did the right thing. School comes first. He wasn’t prepared. If he’d gone to the game, he would have been even more ill-prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it is a hard situation because you want your DS to get to go to the game but it never should have been a option, regardless of how the game turned out. Both your kids had school the next day and one had a test. If there were only two tickets, Dad should have brought a friend and not taken either kid. Then both kids could gripe together and you could simply focus on getting a good sleep before school being important.

That said, taking away the game because your son had not prepared well is a hard thing for him to swallow. Of course he is going to be upset and a bit rebellious. I would sit down and discuss the situation with him. Give him a one time mulligan for not coming home when you told him too but explain that he is getting the break because you understand how disappointed he was to miss a big game. Talk about how to handle that type of disappointment better next time.

The test prep, or lack there of, is a different problem. It sounds like he needs some help learning how to study effectively. You can get tutors that will help with class work and with teaching a child how to prepare to study effectively.

OP, I think this is a good idea about giving him a one time mulligan for not coming home when you told him to. I think it's very important for kids to have consistent rules that are enforced, but given that there are some things that weren't handled well on both ends, I'm in favor of giving him a break, as long as there is a good talk and he understands the enormity of disobeying a direct order from a parent. You sound like a great parent -- good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sunday night, we were gifted a couple of tickets for Nats game last night. DH was clear: You have this big test next day, game will be late, IF you are ready for test, you can go.

Why did DH say this to child #1? What about child #2?

DS really upset (understandably), grabbed basketball and headed to the park. Stayed away a couple of hours, although texting me (at home) with updates on his whereabouts. He threatened in text to stay out late and sent a selfie from a location about 2 miles away. I kept cool and told him a favorite dinner was waiting. Returned home still upset, but ready to eat, take shower and study. Stayed up until about midnight studying. Said test today was "easy." We shall see.

My concern is the "running away" and refusing to return home when asked. If this is not punished, does it lead to staying out much later the next time he's upset?

He didn't run away from home. He went to the park to shoot hoops. He texted you keeping you updated as to where he was. He was cooling off because he was angry. He came home in time for dinner. Leave him be.

He loves you. He wants to do well in his class but is finding it hard. He doesn't want to disappoint you. He doesn't want to study something that's hard and he isn't good at. He wanted to go to the game and dad was a dick and took his younger sibling instead.

Let it go. You don't need to punish this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, pulling the game was a dick move. That’s not how you motivate kids.

So a punishment on top of another punishment? That should go really well. Way to rub salt into the wound.

The kid was blowing off steam. Havent you ever been so pissed that you left the house for awhile and not respond to texts and calls until you clear your head a bit?

[Anonymous]

If the test was that important, DH should have refused the tickets upon offer. Don’t punish the kid.