Would You Punish This Behavior and If So, How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it is a hard situation because you want your DS to get to go to the game but it never should have been a option, regardless of how the game turned out. Both your kids had school the next day and one had a test. If there were only two tickets, Dad should have brought a friend and not taken either kid. Then both kids could gripe together and you could simply focus on getting a good sleep before school being important.

That said, taking away the game because your son had not prepared well is a hard thing for him to swallow. Of course he is going to be upset and a bit rebellious. I would sit down and discuss the situation with him. Give him a one time mulligan for not coming home when you told him too but explain that he is getting the break because you understand how disappointed he was to miss a big game. Talk about how to handle that type of disappointment better next time.

The test prep, or lack there of, is a different problem. It sounds like he needs some help learning how to study effectively. You can get tutors that will help with class work and with teaching a child how to prepare to study effectively.

+1 million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sunday night, we were gifted a couple of tickets for Nats game last night. DH was clear: You have this big test next day, game will be late, IF you are ready for test, you can go.

Why did DH say this to child #1? What about child #2?

DS really upset (understandably), grabbed basketball and headed to the park. Stayed away a couple of hours, although texting me (at home) with updates on his whereabouts. He threatened in text to stay out late and sent a selfie from a location about 2 miles away. I kept cool and told him a favorite dinner was waiting. Returned home still upset, but ready to eat, take shower and study. Stayed up until about midnight studying. Said test today was "easy." We shall see.

My concern is the "running away" and refusing to return home when asked. If this is not punished, does it lead to staying out much later the next time he's upset?

He didn't run away from home. He went to the park to shoot hoops. He texted you keeping you updated as to where he was. He was cooling off because he was angry. He came home in time for dinner. Leave him be.

He loves you. He wants to do well in his class but is finding it hard. He doesn't want to disappoint you. He doesn't want to study something that's hard and he isn't good at. He wanted to go to the game and dad was a dick and took his younger sibling instead.

Let it go. You don't need to punish this kid.

Oh, cry me a freaking river! He doesn't want to study something that's hard and would rather go sit at a stadium instead. Duh!
And if you are 'finding something to be hard', you need to concentrate on working on the subject so that it becomes a little easier, and this can be accomplished by.. exactly, studying a bit harder.

[Anonymous]

All these comments about blaming the parent for a bad decision and having the son miss out on an epic baseball game are so far off. A baseball game before a school test? Really?

OP. You did the right thing. He made an agreement to prepare for the test before the game in order to attend. He did not live up to the agreement. Perfectly reasonable that shouldn't go to the game. Lesson learned, hopefully. I do agree that additional punishment may be too harsh. Yes, his leaving the house was concerning so reinforce the reasons why it bothered you and follow up if it continues to be an issue.

[Anonymous]

His punishment for not studying will be a poor grade.

His punishment for not coming home when told to should be not allowing him to go out again the next time he asks. Direct, relevant consequence.

However, since dad preemptively took away the game, I’d count that as his not going out the next time he asks. I feel like the two issues were separate, but the parents conflated them, and now they want to punish them separately. Punishment shouldn’t be the goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are WAY too involved in his academics. He's what, a sophomore? He can be managing his own study scheduling. If he doesn't do well, that's on him. Judge him by his results, don't micromanage his studying. Seriously. Take four giant steps backwards.

Plus, he could have gone to that epic game with his dad, a memory he would have had for years. Now he just remembers that you didn't let him go because you didn't like how he was studying. Instead of punishment, you need to apologize.

I agree with this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these comments about blaming the parent for a bad decision and having the son miss out on an epic baseball game are so far off. A baseball game before a school test? Really?

OP. You did the right thing. He made an agreement to prepare for the test before the game in order to attend. He did not live up to the agreement. Perfectly reasonable that shouldn't go to the game. Lesson learned, hopefully. I do agree that additional punishment may be too harsh. Yes, his leaving the house was concerning so reinforce the reasons why it bothered you and follow up if it continues to be an issue.

Yes some times that’s perfectly ok - this was a special game and time with dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you about saying "no" to the game. We faced something like that when my kid was the same age.

After that, if he dealt with it poorly but kept you informed where he was, I'd handle it with a discussion and not a punishment.

All that said... if you knew over the weekend that he wasn't preparing, and you knew where things were headed, you set him up. Don't do that.

OP again, and thank you for these last comments. In hindsight, I see that now and I see our error.

Over the weekend, he definitely wasn't studying like he should have. When we learned about the tickets on Sunday, I guess we were expecting him to swing into action to get ready for the test -- study Sunday night, talk to his teacher about it on Monday, etc. I should have known that wasn't a likely outcome, at least for this particular class.

We will talk to him about violating our phone rule (you respond to parents when they're trying to contact you) and also for the running/ staying out. But I will also apologize for not fully investigating his test situation from the beginning, and dangling the tickets as a reward for being prepared, when I should have known then he wouldn't be ready.

Me again, OP, since you like the advice I gave.

I agree with posters that Sophomores should be handling their own time management, but the fact is, many aren’t fully ready. Mine wasn’t then. We set some rules to make sure things got done on time to avoid exactly what happened. And at least for us, a surprise batch of tickets would never have made it through the front door. What I would recommend is that you keep your involvement to process: help with teaching him about to-do lists, setting up a study schedule for the weekend, and spend your limited parental capital on reenforcing good behaviors and managing the complicated electronic environment the kids face. Test performance is out of their control, at least in part, so we never got mad about poor performance.

This test will probably have gone poorly. My son would tell you to be sure not to punish him twice for the same behavior. You already took away the game for bad prep, so leave it at that and work with him on doing better next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all knew there was a game/test. Son clearly needs more academic support. Personally I would have stayed on top of it and helped him study sooner so it wouldn't have been an issue. I think it was unfair of dad to pull the game. Instead of buying tickets, get your kid a tutor instead if you don't want to help.

I would punish him for a week.

Thanks, although I think you missed a couple of key points --we were GIVEN the tickets (if that's your suggestion for a tutoring budget) on Sunday night -- the day before all of this took place-- so no, we didn't know that there was a game/ test, at least not in enough time to really focus on that.

But this is helping me think this through, so I appreciate your comment.

Get him tutoring, get more involved in helping him/supporting him as not everyone is a strong student and punish him for taking off for a few hours. Either way, I don't think it was fair of Dad to not take him regardless of the test.

You're nuts. It wasn't punishment for not studying. He had the responsibility to be ready for the test, and he wasn't, so he had to prepare for it in lieu of going to the game. This is actually an adult way of handling it. I went to the game, but if I had a work obligation the next day I had to prepare for, I wouldn't have gone. A child takes the approach that he can do whatever he wants, regardless of whether he is ready to meet his responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the test was that important, DH should have refused the tickets upon offer. Don’t punish the kid.

Wait - you think the kid's *father* shouldn't have gone to the game because his kid had a math test the next day? That's bananas.

[Anonymous]

It's a game people not Grandma's funeral! You didn't study, you don't go. Priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these comments about blaming the parent for a bad decision and having the son miss out on an epic baseball game are so far off. A baseball game before a school test? Really?

OP. You did the right thing. He made an agreement to prepare for the test before the game in order to attend. He did not live up to the agreement. Perfectly reasonable that shouldn't go to the game. Lesson learned, hopefully. I do agree that additional punishment may be too harsh. Yes, his leaving the house was concerning so reinforce the reasons why it bothered you and follow up if it continues to be an issue.

Yes some times that’s perfectly ok - this was a special game and time with dad

Right. This is the parent as friend model that works so well.

And what if the Nats got blown out? Would that have made the experience less and meant he should have stayed home? It's all about the special game, right, so that means he should have stayed home since the game was not special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, pulling the game was a dick move. That’s not how you motivate kids.

+100

That breaks my heart. What an epic game, and exciting beyond words for Caps fans. No punishment, and please apologize for having overreacted. You can have the talk about his reaction after you discuss *your* overreaction.

Signed,
Mom of adult children

NATS fans. Caps play hockey.

[Anonymous]

I think the point on the punishment is that missing the game was a logical consequence of not being ready for the test, but it ended up being a harsher punishment than you expected because it was such an awesome come from behind victory game. So I’d let further punishment for kinda sorta running off slide because the prior consequence was (unintentionally and out of your control) harsher than intended.

[Anonymous]

Also, was DS15 the one who was going to get to go because he’s older? Because he’s a fan? Because second DC is a girl? On the one hand I think it’s extra hard for DS15 to not only miss the game but also see sibling go, on the other hand, DC2 doesn’t seem to have done anything to have been left out in the first place. In retrospect, probably would have made sense for DH to plan to take a friend and just tell both kids it was a school night with test for DS15 next day and just not an appropriate night out for kids. But hindsight and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are WAY too involved in his academics. He's what, a sophomore? He can be managing his own study scheduling. If he doesn't do well, that's on him. Judge him by his results, don't micromanage his studying. Seriously. Take four giant steps backwards.

Plus, he could have gone to that epic game with his dad, a memory he would have had for years. Now he just remembers that you didn't let him go because you didn't like how he was studying. Instead of punishment, you need to apologize.

This. Pretty soon, it's going to be hard to force a 15 year old to be home when you want. You need to start cutting the apron strings. The rule is home for dinner at x o'clock, that's it. You don't come home on time, you don't eat tonight. And everyone is home for the evening by y o'clock. Grades have to be a B average or whatever in order to continue to have x y z privileges. Do not micromanage tests, quizes, etc.