Fantasy vs. Action

[Anonymous]

I don’t want this to go to the explicit forum, so I’m purposely being vague to not violate the rules here.

DH doesn’t seem to be able to have some of his fantasies stay fantasy. This has been an issue our whole relationship (over 20 yrs.), but now that I am very clear about what my boundary is rather than being open to persuasion/coercion to do things that make me uncomfortable, he is constantly pushing against the boundary and using many of his old tactics of asking over and over, guilt-tripping, and criticizing. The things he wants are very out there in terms of everyday sex, so I’m not describing a withholding wife or lights-off only interactions.

My question is: how many of you have fantasies—either alone or jointly with your partner—that you don’t make a reality? I thought that was normal. I thought other couples talked about things or role-played or just imagined certain scenarios, but didn’t act on every single one of them, but this doesn’t seem to be possible for DH and I’m pretty unhappy about it.

[Anonymous]

Butt seks is not on the menu. I'd be down, but DW is not and I respect that. I don't want to try to talk her into it. I'd have a hard time enjoying something if I knew she was really not into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Butt seks is not on the menu. I'd be down, but DW is not and I respect that. I don't want to try to talk her into it. I'd have a hard time enjoying something if I knew she was really not into it.

OP again. DH does care if I’m not into it—he gets really angry if I don’t say and act how he imagines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Butt seks is not on the menu. I'd be down, but DW is not and I respect that. I don't want to try to talk her into it. I'd have a hard time enjoying something if I knew she was really not into it.

OP again. DH does care if I’m not into it—he gets really angry if I don’t say and act how he imagines.

Me again. That's really not okay.

[Anonymous]

I agree, not ok. You said you thought most couples role-play, and no, I don’t think most couples do that. Certainly some do, but not most. Anyway, if your husband gets angry or tries to coerce you that is a serious issue. You should always feel safe and respected and comfortable saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Butt seks is not on the menu. I'd be down, but DW is not and I respect that. I don't want to try to talk her into it. I'd have a hard time enjoying something if I knew she was really not into it.

OP again. DH does care if I’m not into it—he gets really angry if I don’t say and act how he imagines.

Me again. That's really not okay.

Yeah, not ok, OP. So sorry!

[Anonymous]

I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

Does it really matter if it's something minor or more exotic? No means no and that's includes guilt-tripping, repeatedly asking, pushing boundaries, etc... When it comes to sex, people shouldn't have to do that they're not comfortable for whatever reason. Whether it's something that actively repulses them or it's just not interesting to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

It involves other people, public places or other performative acts, like me picking up someone in a bar and taking them to a hotel room (btw, this is the one that caused the most recent fight, because I had agreed to flirting with a stranger in a bar, even though that neither turns me on nor makes me feel good about myself, so DH could watch, but that wasn’t enough). I meant what I wrote about this not being vanilla stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

It involves other people, public places or other performative acts, like me picking up someone in a bar and taking them to a hotel room (btw, this is the one that caused the most recent fight, because I had agreed to flirting with a stranger in a bar, even though that neither turns me on nor makes me feel good about myself, so DH could watch, but that wasn’t enough). I meant what I wrote about this not being vanilla stuff.

Person you are responding to and yes that's too much to push for.

I think part of the problem is men can't understand why you wouldn't want to do that. Because close to 100% of men would say yes enthusiasticly if their wives asked them to have sex with other women as a turn on to them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

It involves other people, public places or other performative acts, like me picking up someone in a bar and taking them to a hotel room (btw, this is the one that caused the most recent fight, because I had agreed to flirting with a stranger in a bar, even though that neither turns me on nor makes me feel good about myself, so DH could watch, but that wasn’t enough). I meant what I wrote about this not being vanilla stuff.

Person you are responding to and yes that's too much to push for.

I think part of the problem is men can't understand why you wouldn't want to do that. Because close to 100% of men would say yes enthusiasticly if their wives asked them to have sex with other women as a turn on to them

The problem is her husband is a selfish a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

It involves other people, public places or other performative acts, like me picking up someone in a bar and taking them to a hotel room (btw, this is the one that caused the most recent fight, because I had agreed to flirting with a stranger in a bar, even though that neither turns me on nor makes me feel good about myself, so DH could watch, but that wasn’t enough). I meant what I wrote about this not being vanilla stuff.

Person you are responding to and yes that's too much to push for.

I think part of the problem is men can't understand why you wouldn't want to do that. Because close to 100% of men would say yes enthusiasticly if their wives asked them to have sex with other women as a turn on to them

sure...let’s see ...rosie o'donnell?

[Anonymous]

I fantasize about being watched and possibly letting someone else join in and my husband knows talking about that is a big turn on for me, but for a number of reasons I don’t want to act on it.

He talked to me at one point about how we could maybe (ie ideas for someone who’s not a stranger but also not too close), I said “thanks, I think I like it as a fantasy” and we’ve left it there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

It involves other people, public places or other performative acts, like me picking up someone in a bar and taking them to a hotel room (btw, this is the one that caused the most recent fight, because I had agreed to flirting with a stranger in a bar, even though that neither turns me on nor makes me feel good about myself, so DH could watch, but that wasn’t enough). I meant what I wrote about this not being vanilla stuff.

Person you are responding to and yes that's too much to push for.

I think part of the problem is men can't understand why you wouldn't want to do that. Because close to 100% of men would say yes enthusiasticly if their wives asked them to have sex with other women as a turn on to them

Most men would have trouble understanding why "wife sleeping with another man" is a turn-on for him, let alone her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

It involves other people, public places or other performative acts, like me picking up someone in a bar and taking them to a hotel room (btw, this is the one that caused the most recent fight, because I had agreed to flirting with a stranger in a bar, even though that neither turns me on nor makes me feel good about myself, so DH could watch, but that wasn’t enough). I meant what I wrote about this not being vanilla stuff.

Yeah that’s too bad for him. If he’s going to be an ass about it, I’d suggest counseling or something. I’d have trouble being intimate with someone who couldn’t respect my boundaries, and I’m sort of in your DH’s shoes. My DH has made it explicitly clear that he’s not into anything involving multiple people in real life, but we talk about fantasies and role play because he knows I’m into it. It sucks knowing I’ll never have that fantasy fulfilled, but I’d never try to make him feel bad for having limits like that. I’m sorry he’s behaving that way. Is he selfish in all aspects of life, or just this one sexual issue?