Fantasy vs. Action

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, and it is OK for OP to ask for confirmation that she is right. And she is right. He's badgering her and she is starting to doubt herself.
OP, it is totally OK to have limits, it is OK to have fantasies that don't get acted out. You've expressed your limits respectfully, and your DH needs to respect them.

Actually, none of us know if she is right because we only have one side of the story.

When it comes to sex, no means no. That's the only side that matters. When one person makes a boundary clear, it should be respected. The other person shouldn't be badgering or pressuring them to change their mind.

She's right because she said no to having sex with somebody she doesn't want to have sex with. That is ALWAYS right. What is your problem?

Sorry, just to be clear, that was for the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, and it is OK for OP to ask for confirmation that she is right. And she is right. He's badgering her and she is starting to doubt herself.
OP, it is totally OK to have limits, it is OK to have fantasies that don't get acted out. You've expressed your limits respectfully, and your DH needs to respect them.

Actually, none of us know if she is right because we only have one side of the story.

The side of the story we have is from a woman who is being pressured by her husband to do sexual things she's not comfortable with. When she does not want to do those things, he guilt trips her and gets angry. She is uncomfortable and upset.

I personally do not need another side of the story to make a judgment that it is fine for her to not want to have sex with strangers because her husband wants her to. What is wrong with you that you need more information than "she doesn't want to and he gets mad at her for not doing what he wants"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, and it is OK for OP to ask for confirmation that she is right. And she is right. He's badgering her and she is starting to doubt herself.
OP, it is totally OK to have limits, it is OK to have fantasies that don't get acted out. You've expressed your limits respectfully, and your DH needs to respect them.

Actually, none of us know if she is right because we only have one side of the story.

The side of the story we have is from a woman who is being pressured by her husband to do sexual things she's not comfortable with. When she does not want to do those things, he guilt trips her and gets angry. She is uncomfortable and upset.

I personally do not need another side of the story to make a judgment that it is fine for her to not want to have sex with strangers because her husband wants her to. What is wrong with you that you need more information than "she doesn't want to and he gets mad at her for not doing what he wants"?

You have no idea whether the bonded is true, since it’s based solely on OPs perception.

[Anonymous]

I was only 20 when I got married for the first time to a man who was 33. I was young and dumb and sexually inexperienced and he took advantage of that always wanting to “explore our sexuality.” Eventually it led to threesomes and sex clubs and when I was 25 I had had enough and left him. I was so disgusted with myself for allowing him to push me there. At 28 I met a great guy my age and we got married at 30 and that was 18 years ago. I don’t know if there is anything called a normal sex life but he has never asked me to do anything outside my comfort zone. I can be pretty spirited and he seems happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, and it is OK for OP to ask for confirmation that she is right. And she is right. He's badgering her and she is starting to doubt herself.
OP, it is totally OK to have limits, it is OK to have fantasies that don't get acted out. You've expressed your limits respectfully, and your DH needs to respect them.

Actually, none of us know if she is right because we only have one side of the story.

The side of the story we have is from a woman who is being pressured by her husband to do sexual things she's not comfortable with. When she does not want to do those things, he guilt trips her and gets angry. She is uncomfortable and upset.

I personally do not need another side of the story to make a judgment that it is fine for her to not want to have sex with strangers because her husband wants her to. What is wrong with you that you need more information than "she doesn't want to and he gets mad at her for not doing what he wants"?

You have no idea whether the bonded is true, since it’s based solely on OPs perception.

Yes.

Is your suggestion that if her husband does not feel that he is pressuring her, then OP should not feel pressured? And then what? She should pick up and have sex with a stranger she meets in a bar because her husband wants her to and it doesn't matter that she's not comfortable with it?

[Anonymous]

Guy here. I think it's fine to discuss and ask. It's even fine to revisit it down the road if some time has passed andante is reason to believe a philosophy has changed. You need to be firm with him. His temper tantrums have possibly had success in the past, so he goes back to the well. Be firm. "that's not exciting for me. It's a turnoff. I'm sorry but that one is going to havebto stay in your head. That's a boundary I won't cross. Please don't ask again." if he pouts, let him. Then when he paws you later, telling him you were innthe mood but his pouting turned you off. He'll learn quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I think it's fine to discuss and ask. It's even fine to revisit it down the road if some time has passed andante is reason to believe a philosophy has changed. You need to be firm with him. His temper tantrums have possibly had success in the past, so he goes back to the well. Be firm. "that's not exciting for me. It's a turnoff. I'm sorry but that one is going to havebto stay in your head. That's a boundary I won't cross. Please don't ask again." if he pouts, let him. Then when he paws you later, telling him you were innthe mood but his pouting turned you off. He'll learn quick.

Thank you for this advice, but this tactic does not work. When I say very clearly what my boundaries are, he does pout. His pouting includes telling me that I am too restrictive, that I don’t do anything he asks for, that he wants to have a happy life and that I am making him miserable. He keeps at it until I give in. He wakes me up at night, he calls me at work, he is nice, then angry, then accusatory and mean. He tells me he’ll have to look for what he needs outside of the marriage. He tells me everyone has kinks and that I should just give him his. He freezes me out. He does not stop. I’m writing this now, at 3:00 a.m., because I can’t sleep from my stomach churning and my mind racing about what we’re about to do this weekend, but I know if I tell him how I feel, he’ll say I ruin everything. I know this sounds crazy and pathetic, but we can’t divorce now. Our kids have been through a lot of moves and we are finally in a home they can settle into and have the kind of life they deserve. DH has already told me that we would have to sell the house if we divorce (I could not stay here) and that he would move far away so the kids would have to travel between us. I can’t do that to them. I’m in this for at least 7 more years. It’s a typical situation where he makes more money and I can’t afford our house or lifestyle by myself, even with child support. I have family who would help me, but I would have to tell them what’s been going on and...it’s a lot to explain to people who have seen me covering for him (when he can’t be around for family time, when he’s rude to people, etc) for so long. I’ve been telling them everything is fine.

I guess I was posting here for validation and I got it. He makes me feel crazy sometimes, like I’m ridiculous for not wanting these things and that I’m a terrible person for not giving him what he wants. I know what this relationship is—coercive, emotionally abusive, etc. I’ve been to counseling (alone) and read the books. I just don’t feel like I can get out of it without seriously hurting my kids. This is just venting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I think it's fine to discuss and ask. It's even fine to revisit it down the road if some time has passed andante is reason to believe a philosophy has changed. You need to be firm with him. His temper tantrums have possibly had success in the past, so he goes back to the well. Be firm. "that's not exciting for me. It's a turnoff. I'm sorry but that one is going to havebto stay in your head. That's a boundary I won't cross. Please don't ask again." if he pouts, let him. Then when he paws you later, telling him you were innthe mood but his pouting turned you off. He'll learn quick.

Thank you for this advice, but this tactic does not work. When I say very clearly what my boundaries are, he does pout. His pouting includes telling me that I am too restrictive, that I don’t do anything he asks for, that he wants to have a happy life and that I am making him miserable. He keeps at it until I give in. He wakes me up at night, he calls me at work, he is nice, then angry, then accusatory and mean. He tells me he’ll have to look for what he needs outside of the marriage. He tells me everyone has kinks and that I should just give him his. He freezes me out. He does not stop. I’m writing this now, at 3:00 a.m., because I can’t sleep from my stomach churning and my mind racing about what we’re about to do this weekend, but I know if I tell him how I feel, he’ll say I ruin everything. I know this sounds crazy and pathetic, but we can’t divorce now. Our kids have been through a lot of moves and we are finally in a home they can settle into and have the kind of life they deserve. DH has already told me that we would have to sell the house if we divorce (I could not stay here) and that he would move far away so the kids would have to travel between us. I can’t do that to them. I’m in this for at least 7 more years. It’s a typical situation where he makes more money and I can’t afford our house or lifestyle by myself, even with child support. I have family who would help me, but I would have to tell them what’s been going on and...it’s a lot to explain to people who have seen me covering for him (when he can’t be around for family time, when he’s rude to people, etc) for so long. I’ve been telling them everything is fine.

I guess I was posting here for validation and I got it. He makes me feel crazy sometimes, like I’m ridiculous for not wanting these things and that I’m a terrible person for not giving him what he wants. I know what this relationship is—coercive, emotionally abusive, etc. I’ve been to counseling (alone) and read the books. I just don’t feel like I can get out of it without seriously hurting my kids. This is just venting.

Is this all over his fetish of wanting to be hotwifed or cuckolded? Or is he this coercive over everything else?

He really sounds much worse jn this post that the original. I would be tempted to tell him to go do what he needs sexually and to leave you alone but the marriage probably won't last over time and plan on leaving when the kids get older. Sorry for your situation. Sounds miserable

[Anonymous]

His comments about your kids make me worry, OP. Plan an exit. Do not give in to his demands just to save the house for the kids. He will escalate his demands the first time you give in. If you can get him to put his demands in writing, take them to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

So, you're being abused in multiple ways then. You need to get out if you want your children's respect. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly.

[Anonymous]

Getting out of this marriage would be better for you’d kids than staying for the sake of the house and their lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

That’s really, really not okay, OP. I think you know this, but here’s another voice just in case: no one should treat you this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I think it's fine to discuss and ask. It's even fine to revisit it down the road if some time has passed andante is reason to believe a philosophy has changed. You need to be firm with him. His temper tantrums have possibly had success in the past, so he goes back to the well. Be firm. "that's not exciting for me. It's a turnoff. I'm sorry but that one is going to havebto stay in your head. That's a boundary I won't cross. Please don't ask again." if he pouts, let him. Then when he paws you later, telling him you were innthe mood but his pouting turned you off. He'll learn quick.

Thank you for this advice, but this tactic does not work. When I say very clearly what my boundaries are, he does pout. His pouting includes telling me that I am too restrictive, that I don’t do anything he asks for, that he wants to have a happy life and that I am making him miserable. He keeps at it until I give in. He wakes me up at night, he calls me at work, he is nice, then angry, then accusatory and mean. He tells me he’ll have to look for what he needs outside of the marriage. He tells me everyone has kinks and that I should just give him his. He freezes me out. He does not stop. I’m writing this now, at 3:00 a.m., because I can’t sleep from my stomach churning and my mind racing about what we’re about to do this weekend, but I know if I tell him how I feel, he’ll say I ruin everything. I know this sounds crazy and pathetic, but we can’t divorce now. Our kids have been through a lot of moves and we are finally in a home they can settle into and have the kind of life they deserve. DH has already told me that we would have to sell the house if we divorce (I could not stay here) and that he would move far away so the kids would have to travel between us. I can’t do that to them. I’m in this for at least 7 more years. It’s a typical situation where he makes more money and I can’t afford our house or lifestyle by myself, even with child support. I have family who would help me, but I would have to tell them what’s been going on and...it’s a lot to explain to people who have seen me covering for him (when he can’t be around for family time, when he’s rude to people, etc) for so long. I’ve been telling them everything is fine.

I guess I was posting here for validation and I got it. He makes me feel crazy sometimes, like I’m ridiculous for not wanting these things and that I’m a terrible person for not giving him what he wants. I know what this relationship is—coercive, emotionally abusive, etc. I’ve been to counseling (alone) and read the books. I just don’t feel like I can get out of it without seriously hurting my kids. This is just venting.

This relationship is worse than you think it is, OP. I mean, where does it stop? He wants you to pick up a stranger in a bar and have sex with him? That is one step away from prostitution, since you don't want to do it. The only thing that separates you from a prostitute and him from a pimp is that there is no money involved in this situation, which strikes me as being unsafe as well as coercive. You do not have to have sex with anyone you do not want to have sex with.

Please please please call the Women's Center and make an appointment with a therapist. Start planning your exit. Do not do whatever it is that you are supposed to do this weekend. You deserve so much better than this.

[Anonymous]

Man here. This is not normal. Your husband has ruined his brain with porn. Threatening to blow up the marriage and purposefully move far away and disrupt the children because your wife won't have sex with strangers? It's sick.

Your husband needs to go to a counselor and fix his issues or you need to end this.

He needs to stop porn forever and masturbation cold turkey for at least a while until he rewires his brain back to normalcy. And stop being a dick generally but it will take years to fix all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. This is not normal. Your husband has ruined his brain with porn. Threatening to blow up the marriage and purposefully move far away and disrupt the children because your wife won't have sex with strangers? It's sick.

Your husband needs to go to a counselor and fix his issues or you need to end this.

He needs to stop porn forever and masturbation cold turkey for at least a while until he rewires his brain back to normalcy. And stop being a dick generally but it will take years to fix all that.

That’s what I was thinking.

You need couples therapy and he needs individual therapy/addiction treatment. I am so sorry!