Fantasy vs. Action

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you're being abused in multiple ways then. You need to get out if you want your children's respect. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly.

Yeah, OP, this is more than just sex... you're being abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

It involves other people, public places or other performative acts, like me picking up someone in a bar and taking them to a hotel room (btw, this is the one that caused the most recent fight, because I had agreed to flirting with a stranger in a bar, even though that neither turns me on nor makes me feel good about myself, so DH could watch, but that wasn’t enough). I meant what I wrote about this not being vanilla stuff.

I think you can use this to your advantage. You want out; he wants to be cuckholded. Use his motivation to date. When you find the right person, exit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you're being abused in multiple ways then. You need to get out if you want your children's respect. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly.

Her kids have no idea this is happening, so they can't lose respect for her over it.

[Anonymous]

OP do not do what he wants this weekend to make him happy. You should not be putting yourself in that situation, so he can get off on some twisted fantasy. Which after the fact he will probably have all sorts of jealousy issues over.
Ignore his threats. You said your family will help you, go to them tell them you covered for him. Couples cover for each other all the time they will understand

[Anonymous]

Did you post a couple years ago, maybe, about being in a frightening situation with your DH, having public sex behind a dumpster, or something like that? I can’t remember it but the scenario was very similar. It sounds like you’ve been dealing with this a long time and you are aware this is abusive. You understand why we are telling you to leave, but you are not willing to do so. At the very least, I would stop covering up for him.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, your husband sounds like a pos.
Bitching because you have the audacity to not want to be intimate with others? Wtf.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you’re being abused, OP. You need to go talk to people at your local women’s shelter. They will have some advice for you, maybe even some legal advice. It doesn’t sound legal that he’s able to take the kids far away after a divorce, I think he needs to stay in the same city. The people who deal with this every day will have advice given your state and situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I think it's fine to discuss and ask. It's even fine to revisit it down the road if some time has passed andante is reason to believe a philosophy has changed. You need to be firm with him. His temper tantrums have possibly had success in the past, so he goes back to the well. Be firm. "that's not exciting for me. It's a turnoff. I'm sorry but that one is going to havebto stay in your head. That's a boundary I won't cross. Please don't ask again." if he pouts, let him. Then when he paws you later, telling him you were innthe mood but his pouting turned you off. He'll learn quick.

Thank you for this advice, but this tactic does not work. When I say very clearly what my boundaries are, he does pout. His pouting includes telling me that I am too restrictive, that I don’t do anything he asks for, that he wants to have a happy life and that I am making him miserable. He keeps at it until I give in. He wakes me up at night, he calls me at work, he is nice, then angry, then accusatory and mean. He tells me he’ll have to look for what he needs outside of the marriage. He tells me everyone has kinks and that I should just give him his. He freezes me out. He does not stop. I’m writing this now, at 3:00 a.m., because I can’t sleep from my stomach churning and my mind racing about what we’re about to do this weekend, but I know if I tell him how I feel, he’ll say I ruin everything. I know this sounds crazy and pathetic, but we can’t divorce now. Our kids have been through a lot of moves and we are finally in a home they can settle into and have the kind of life they deserve. DH has already told me that we would have to sell the house if we divorce (I could not stay here) and that he would move far away so the kids would have to travel between us. I can’t do that to them. I’m in this for at least 7 more years. It’s a typical situation where he makes more money and I can’t afford our house or lifestyle by myself, even with child support. I have family who would help me, but I would have to tell them what’s been going on and...it’s a lot to explain to people who have seen me covering for him (when he can’t be around for family time, when he’s rude to people, etc) for so long. I’ve been telling them everything is fine.

I guess I was posting here for validation and I got it. He makes me feel crazy sometimes, like I’m ridiculous for not wanting these things and that I’m a terrible person for not giving him what he wants. I know what this relationship is—coercive, emotionally abusive, etc. I’ve been to counseling (alone) and read the books. I just don’t feel like I can get out of it without seriously hurting my kids. This is just venting.

Your H watches too much porn. My W and I are as as kinky as it gets and up for most anything either suggests. We are very open about discussing our deepest fantasies and at least trying to make them happen. I will do anything she asks, and she is the same where it involves us. Just us. I'm not willing to add other people to the mix. I'm sure not turned on by her with another guy and she would go crazy to think of me even kissing another woman. But we know people who are into it and I'm happy for them. Although one must always wonder if they are both equally into it. I've also known women who want along with it because, in their mind, the relationship was already over and indulging the guy's fantasy of getting with another guy was just as good a transition point to leaving as any.

Your H, on the other hand, is an abusive asshole. He expects you to be his fetish dispenser, playing out the porn clip in his head for his own enjoyment while not caring how you feel. And this has a good chance of backfiring on him if you do because the reality of his feelings may be the exact opposite of his fantasy. Then he will look down on you for letting him push you onto it. Especially if you do actually enjoy another man even a bit more than you were supposed to, or especially more than him.

If you are not up for this, if you never asked him for it, if this isn't a shared fantasy you have both discussed at length, like the past year, and the thought of it turns you while at the same time you know your marriage is safe no matter what happens, DON'T DO IT. There is a big difference between indulging a partner's kink that you may not be totally into, but at best it doesn't bother you so you go along to make him happy, and this.

"He tells me everyone has kinks and that I should just give him his." There is an expression in the kink community that goes, your kink is not my kink and that's OK. It's one of the dumbest things I've heard because, a lot of people's kinks are NOT OK and some of them are really F'd up. And some, like your AH H's kink is a real threat to you. No one is under any obligation to just "give into" their partner's kink.

Do you want to put an end to this? Tell him, you will go along but it has to be on your terms only. Tell him, you should naturally be the one in control in this situation and he needs to simply obey. Then tell him, you've decided to look for a man, on your own to have sex with and you will then come him and tell him every sordid detail while he lives his fantasy. But he can't be there. Tell him you need to build the sexual tension and it isn't far to the new guy if you've had sex with H recently, so he will have to accept that their will be no sex until you find the man to replace him in the bedroom, just as he fantasizes about. Then, if you choose and your new lover is OK with it, maybe you will let him listen in from behind closed doors sometime. Or maybe not. Tell him that is your version of his fantasy, only slightly changed, see what he says. And remind him, that pass is not available to him for that is not part of your fantasy. If he wants to be a true cuckold, then then he needs to obey you. Let him know, that you are released from any marital commitments you made regarding sex with other men, but he is not. You will have sex with whomever you choose, whenever you like, and it's not for him to ask about. Perhaps you will indulge him when in his fantasy after the fact, or not.

See if he is willing to go along with that and get back to us. Of course, you don't actually have to do anything once he agrees. But you don't have to tell him what you do, or don't do either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, I suppose you’re right that I’d like confirmation. Knowing other people think this is inappropriate does help me, especially since this isn’t the kind of thing you can talk about with friends or family. As for exploring my motives...besides hearing someone else say “you are right to feel bad about this”? I don’t know.

As I said, I’m pretty unhappy. DH refuses to go to counseling and we have previously discussed divorce. I am just hanging on until kids are out of school and then will figure out if I can be happy in the relationship or not.

It doesn't matter what we think is inappropriate. Just you.

[Anonymous]

Op I would talk to a divorce lawyer, including about what you’ve talked about here and your H’s threat to take the kids to about state if you divorce. It sounds, very reasonably, like you would be the F out of there if not for his threats about the kids. So it would be good to check whether what he says is a real concern or just BS. Best of luck, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like DH watches too much porn.

[Anonymous]

Your H watches too much porn. My W and I are as as kinky as it gets and up for most anything either suggests. We are very open about discussing our deepest fantasies and at least trying to make them happen. I will do anything she asks, and she is the same where it involves us. Just us. I'm not willing to add other people to the mix. I'm sure not turned on by her with another guy and she would go crazy to think of me even kissing another woman. But we know people who are into it and I'm happy for them. Although one must always wonder if they are both equally into it. I've also known women who want along with it because, in their mind, the relationship was already over and indulging the guy's fantasy of getting with another guy was just as good a transition point to leaving as any.

Your H, on the other hand, is an abusive asshole. He expects you to be his fetish dispenser, playing out the porn clip in his head for his own enjoyment while not caring how you feel. And this has a good chance of backfiring on him if you do because the reality of his feelings may be the exact opposite of his fantasy. Then he will look down on you for letting him push you onto it. Especially if you do actually enjoy another man even a bit more than you were supposed to, or especially more than him.

If you are not up for this, if you never asked him for it, if this isn't a shared fantasy you have both discussed at length, like the past year, and the thought of it turns you while at the same time you know your marriage is safe no matter what happens, DON'T DO IT. There is a big difference between indulging a partner's kink that you may not be totally into, but at best it doesn't bother you so you go along to make him happy, and this.

"He tells me everyone has kinks and that I should just give him his." There is an expression in the kink community that goes, your kink is not my kink and that's OK. It's one of the dumbest things I've heard because, a lot of people's kinks are NOT OK and some of them are really F'd up. And some, like your AH H's kink is a real threat to you. No one is under any obligation to just "give into" their partner's kink.

Do you want to put an end to this? Tell him, you will go along but it has to be on your terms only. Tell him, you should naturally be the one in control in this situation and he needs to simply obey. Then tell him, you've decided to look for a man, on your own to have sex with and you will then come him and tell him every sordid detail while he lives his fantasy. But he can't be there. Tell him you need to build the sexual tension and it isn't far to the new guy if you've had sex with H recently, so he will have to accept that their will be no sex until you find the man to replace him in the bedroom, just as he fantasizes about. Then, if you choose and your new lover is OK with it, maybe you will let him listen in from behind closed doors sometime. Or maybe not. Tell him that is your version of his fantasy, only slightly changed, see what he says. And remind him, that pass is not available to him for that is not part of your fantasy. If he wants to be a true cuckold, then then he needs to obey you. Let him know, that you are released from any marital commitments you made regarding sex with other men, but he is not. You will have sex with whomever you choose, whenever you like, and it's not for him to ask about. Perhaps you will indulge him when in his fantasy after the fact, or not.

See if he is willing to go along with that and get back to us. Of course, you don't actually have to do anything once he agrees. But you don't have to tell him what you do, or don't do either.


Damn!!
Rubber meet road!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bunch of fantasies that are somewhat between tame and minor leagues and wife isn't into any of them. We have discussed perhaps my getting them met outside the marriage.

It's hard to tell whether it's a minor fantasy you should try to indulge vs something that is a fetish too far. More details?

It involves other people, public places or other performative acts, like me picking up someone in a bar and taking them to a hotel room (btw, this is the one that caused the most recent fight, because I had agreed to flirting with a stranger in a bar, even though that neither turns me on nor makes me feel good about myself, so DH could watch, but that wasn’t enough). I meant what I wrote about this not being vanilla stuff.

I think you can use this to your advantage. You want out; he wants to be cuckholded. Use his motivation to date. When you find the right person, exit.

Any “man” she does this with won’t be a better husband than her current one. Both the cuckolds and the “bulls” believe that the woman has an uncontrollable insatiability that prevents her from being a “good” or “normal” wife. This ain’t polyamory, folks. It’s pathologizing female desire due to the husband’s feelings of sexual inadequacy and insecurities about infidelity. He’d rather “know” than suspect.

[Anonymous]

OP, what are the plans you are going along with this weekend and are you still doing it? Do report back and let us k ow how that worked out.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are kinky. One issue I have with SOME kinky people is that they have no respect for the right to be vanilla. I bet there are a lot of vanilla people who don’t have hangups, they just physically don’t enjoy whatever activity they are being pressured into. Kinky as I am, due to some medical issues, anal isn’t on the menu. It doesn’t mean I have a psychological barrier.