Fantasy vs. Action

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want this to go to the explicit forum, so I’m purposely being vague to not violate the rules here.

DH doesn’t seem to be able to have some of his fantasies stay fantasy. This has been an issue our whole relationship (over 20 yrs.), but now that I am very clear about what my boundary is rather than being open to persuasion/coercion to do things that make me uncomfortable, he is constantly pushing against the boundary and using many of his old tactics of asking over and over, guilt-tripping, and criticizing. The things he wants are very out there in terms of everyday sex, so I’m not describing a withholding wife or lights-off only interactions.

My question is: how many of you have fantasies—either alone or jointly with your partner—that you don’t make a reality? I thought that was normal. I thought other couples talked about things or role-played or just imagined certain scenarios, but didn’t act on every single one of them, but this doesn’t seem to be possible for DH and I’m pretty unhappy about it.

DH here: I think it is perfectly normal to have fantasies stay fantasies, particularly those as exotic as you describe in this thread, which may be erotic but carry with them a host of risks. Your DH is lucky you have been as willing to indulge them as you describe, and him pressuring you to go further than your (eminently reasonable) boundaries is not acceptable. If he is an otherwise-good guy counseling might be productive here, as I suspect he may have lost perspective on how unreasonable his conduct is and an objective voice might help him clue in on that point.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

I think her motive is to show her DH that most people, including men, don’t think it’s okay to force a spouse to act out extreme fantasies.

I’m very sex positive. I introduced DH to BDSM. He has embraced my love of being restrained, but some of my other fantasies will remain fantasies because he is uncomfortable doing those things to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, and it is OK for OP to ask for confirmation that she is right. And she is right. He's badgering her and she is starting to doubt herself.
OP, it is totally OK to have limits, it is OK to have fantasies that don't get acted out. You've expressed your limits respectfully, and your DH needs to respect them.

[Anonymous]

sounds like you guys are mismatched.

I would recommend different partners so that both your needs can be met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Butt seks is not on the menu. I'd be down, but DW is not and I respect that. I don't want to try to talk her into it. I'd have a hard time enjoying something if I knew she was really not into it.

OP again. DH does care if I’m not into it—he gets really angry if I don’t say and act how he imagines.

That’s abusive. It reflects more than being sexually incompatible. There’s no place for anger in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries are boundaries and they must be respected. If my husband pushed me like that I’d shut off sex or leave him. I enjoy a little bondage, having sex in fun places and many different positions but he knows after many years what is out of bounds and he never pushes me to try it. I’m sure we both have fantasies but we keep them to ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, I suppose you’re right that I’d like confirmation. Knowing other people think this is inappropriate does help me, especially since this isn’t the kind of thing you can talk about with friends or family. As for exploring my motives...besides hearing someone else say “you are right to feel bad about this”? I don’t know.

As I said, I’m pretty unhappy. DH refuses to go to counseling and we have previously discussed divorce. I am just hanging on until kids are out of school and then will figure out if I can be happy in the relationship or not.

[Anonymous]

You knew he was a freak 20 years ago and thought that he would change? You are selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Butt seks is not on the menu. I'd be down, but DW is not and I respect that. I don't want to try to talk her into it. I'd have a hard time enjoying something if I knew she was really not into it.

This is why starfish sex sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, and it is OK for OP to ask for confirmation that she is right. And she is right. He's badgering her and she is starting to doubt herself.
OP, it is totally OK to have limits, it is OK to have fantasies that don't get acted out. You've expressed your limits respectfully, and your DH needs to respect them.

Actually, none of us know if she is right because we only have one side of the story.

[Anonymous]

I'm up for anything with DH- backdoor, toys, role playing, etc- but heck no, it has to be between the two of us only. I'm monogamous to the bone and DH even more. The thought of someone else, whether guy or gal, watching or interacting is such a turn off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, and it is OK for OP to ask for confirmation that she is right. And she is right. He's badgering her and she is starting to doubt herself.
OP, it is totally OK to have limits, it is OK to have fantasies that don't get acted out. You've expressed your limits respectfully, and your DH needs to respect them.

Actually, none of us know if she is right because we only have one side of the story.

You know you’re on DCUM. This is true of everything on this site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, and it is OK for OP to ask for confirmation that she is right. And she is right. He's badgering her and she is starting to doubt herself.
OP, it is totally OK to have limits, it is OK to have fantasies that don't get acted out. You've expressed your limits respectfully, and your DH needs to respect them.

Actually, none of us know if she is right because we only have one side of the story.

When it comes to sex, no means no. That's the only side that matters. When one person makes a boundary clear, it should be respected. The other person shouldn't be badgering or pressuring them to change their mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like the real purpose of your “question” is to elicit responses to confirm you are right and your husband is wrong. You may wish to examine your own motives.

To answer your question, we have lots of fantasies that have gone unfulfilled. For example, both of us love the idea of group sex, but recognize that there are lots of potential problems bringing that about.

Yes, and it is OK for OP to ask for confirmation that she is right. And she is right. He's badgering her and she is starting to doubt herself.
OP, it is totally OK to have limits, it is OK to have fantasies that don't get acted out. You've expressed your limits respectfully, and your DH needs to respect them.

Actually, none of us know if she is right because we only have one side of the story.

When it comes to sex, no means no. That's the only side that matters. When one person makes a boundary clear, it should be respected. The other person shouldn't be badgering or pressuring them to change their mind.

She's right because she said no to having sex with somebody she doesn't want to have sex with. That is ALWAYS right. What is your problem?