Relationship Question - traveling (NOT a travel question)
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Anonymous
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Spouse grew up with FIL mostly not home - FIL traveled for "work" whenever they FIL had any opportunity (had a career/company/place where they could "sign up" for the work trips, and the destinations were always beautiful - where is not relevant). The at home parent was checked out and not the best parent, always overwhelmed, not usually paying attention, probably depressed, definitely anxious. So, now DH is in same situation as FIL (who literally left the house and literally booked trips during major family milestones, such as most or all of their children's births) and DH is acting similar.
DH is not very good at therapy (not forthcoming), and it is very, very unusual for DHs family to talk about any problems. MIL is absolutely and extremely bitter about how MIL was treated, but DH thinks how their parents behaved was/is normal (since it is what they witnessed growing up). Has anyone been through this, and if so - can you recommend what worked so that the family unit is closer? Example: we have miles, so any work trips would be paid for, so money is not the issue, but spouse likes to use that as an excuse. I feel bad for DC, whose friend's families take them places (does not have to be fancy), but DH had such a terrible experience when the IL's "vacationed", DH does not see traveling as a family event. Would love to hear from people who have been through this very unusual issue, and what they did about it. Hope I explained this clearly. |
Anonymous
| Not clear to me what the issue is exactly. Do you think your DH travels too much? Do you want the family to go along on his work trips? Or do you want separate family vacations entirely? You gave a lot of background but didn’t actually state the current problem. |
Anonymous
| I don’t get it. What’s the question? |
Anonymous
| I agree. Not clear what the issue is either ...can you clarify a bit? Does DH have to travel for work a lot but doesn't want you tagging along? Or does he not want travel outside of his work travel? |
Anonymous
We do not travel at all. DH travels a lot. He does not want us to come with him for one trip - mainly because when he grew up, MIL was left at home to fend for herself, at home with a large brood. She was/is not very easy to get along with, so the dad needed a break, I get it. Before DCUM piles on with "maybe DH is getting away from you" (which, BTW, is exactly what bitter MIL would say, because she was treated that way - and she is not a very nice person) - no, that is not the case. DC are old enough to see that their friends travel (again, anywhere, does not have to be fancy) - and question why DH will not take us with him, since the hotel and one air fare is paid (like it is for many of their friends' families). DC are old enough to know. I am hurt for DC, because I know why DH does it, but I don't want to tell DC - I know they will figure it out when they are old enough, but I don't care to lie to DC in the interim. I don't think it is a big deal for DH to take us on one trip that would cost almost nothing (again, we have miles). As far as expenses (DH has actually said this): yes, we would be buying food or whatever, but we would buy food here, anyway. Also, I should mention that DH's coworkers take their families with them, so DH would be the only one who does not. We get along fine, DH just had a bad example of a parent in some (many??) regards. |
Anonymous
+1 This. But it would only be for one trip, as a family, DH's choice - not a bunch of DH's trips. |
Anonymous
OP again. I am more than a little crushed, because summer will be over before we know it, and the kids are asking, plus everyone DH knows takes their families along. DH had a crappy dad for an example. |
Anonymous
| Can you stop using weird pronouns? Your kid is not “they.” Why would you go on work trips with him? Are you saying he doesn’t want to vacation with the family? I still don’t get it. |
Anonymous
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Who takes their family on a business trip? What does this have to do with his parents?
You’re not making sense. |
Anonymous
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What? So you are a SAHM, your DH doesn’t want to take the whole family on business trips, and you think this is because of how he was raised?
I don’t want my family going on my business trips either. I don’t think it’s professional and it’s the last thing I want to deal with. If that makes me a horrible person, so be it. But we go on vacation together as a family. Why can’t you go on family vacations or even take the kids away alone? I’m not getting it. |
Anonymous
| Why don't you take a trip with dc?? If dh isn't interested in any type of vacation with you, carry on without him. Your dh's loss in creating travel memories with his family. |
Anonymous
| You need to take your kid(s) and go on a trip. DH can hear all about how much fun you guys had on the backend. |
Anonymous
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Ask him if you can use his points to take the kids somewhere? You can manage it solo or see if he’d be into family trip. He might prefer something closer to home if he’s always out in travel (sucks for you but a real concern when burnt out from long flights)
We have a similar lifestyle. I occasionally join my partner on his trips, he’s not really available minus weekends when on a work trip. It’s fun but also I know it makes it harder for him to get rest when family is at hotel after long working day. He travels primarily internationally and often super nice places. I’m jealous for sure, but I also know he’s barely seeing where he is most locations Also, it sounds like you’re badgering him a bit so pull back some. You might get a better result. |
Anonymous
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You married a WASP. You married someone who had no interest in changing things. Oh well. You should have talked about how you two saw family life working before you started a family (or even got married).
I don't know what you want us to tell you - you didn't screen your spouse well and now you're paying for that. |
Anonymous
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I travel for work but never take the kids. I actually have to work, though, it isn’t like a conference or something.
Seems like a weird thing to get hung up on. Just plan a family vacation. |