What makes teens so annoying to parents?

[Anonymous]

I hear this often but it’s difficult understanding the annoying teen scenarios when I haven’t experienced them. Even parents who have “good” kids seem exasperated. Can someone explain why? I know why newborns, toddlers, and kindergartners can be trying - why teens? Stories and perspective please. TIA.

[Anonymous]

I have two teen boys, so I can answer from that perspective.

Teen boys tend to stop communicating. Their default responses are grunts and shrugs. Example: At dinner last night, I asked my youngest how his sports practice was. I got a shrug and a grunt. I could have yelled at home for being rude, but then I've changed dinnertime chat into a confrontation. So I approached with specific questions that required answers: "Who was there? How is the new coach, etc..." It worked.

They look like "grown ups" but their brains are not mature. This leads to a lot of frustration. We think they can handle situations, they think they can handle situations, but really they aren't ready. Example: My oldest got my car towed a few months back. The sign RIGHT there said no parking, but he didn't see it. He had no idea how to get the car back and called me in a panic. If he's old enough to be able to drive, he should be able to park properly and figure out what to do if he gets towed, right? No...it's a learning experience and he called me when he didn't know what do to. I should be happy about that. I talked him through it (he paid to get the car back, though) and what could have been a shitty day turned out okay.

They are trying out new personalities/looks. This is the time in their lives they a figuring out who they are and they do that by trying different things and it can be tough to watch. Example: "You're wearing THAT?" I remind myself that hair grows and fashion trends come and go. I used to wear three Swatches at once because it was "cool." My mom scandalized her town with a miniskirt and thigh-highs in the early 1960s.

Basically, it's difficult because they are transitioning to adulthood and that is a bumpy process and we have a front row seat to the mishaps. We want to intervene to make sure it goes okay, but intervening doesn't allow for growth and learning. And when something goes wrong, the instinct it to tell them they are idiots, but that's not helpful. It's more productive to help them look for a solution. So it's a constant balancing act that we don't always get right. I try to say something kind and hug them once a day (whether they want to or not).

[Anonymous]

I read something that said that they often define themselves in opposition to things -- namely, you. In thinking about what they DO want for a career, where they will want to live someday, what kinds of romantic relationships they will have -- mostly what they express is:
a. I will not never dress like you, because you dress like a dork.
b. I will never have the kind of boring job that YOU have where you . . . go to an office, have a boss, wake up early, etc.
c. I will never live in some boring suburan hellscape like you chose to
d. I will never major in something boring like accounting, like you did

It's a legitimate developmental stage, apparently, but it mostly comes across as ingratitude. YOu want to say : We left our cool, funky apartment to live in the boring suburban hellscape so YOU would have good schools, and now you're judging us for it?
It's like when they were toddlers and they pushed all your buttons, only now they REALLY have your number, and a lot of the things they say can be fairly hurtful because they're actually true. (i.e. You never go to the gym and Cheryl's mother is much prettier than you are. Do you think I don't know that?)
My husband's fed career has plateaued and we're kind of doing time until we retire, and my son at one point referred to my husband's "Dead end job" and it was just so gloriously hurtful.
This is the stage where it's really hard to have to be the adult and not yell back.

[Anonymous]

Go watch Euphoria on HBO

[Anonymous]

Do you have amnesia of your teen years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read something that said that they often define themselves in opposition to things -- namely, you. In thinking about what they DO want for a career, where they will want to live someday, what kinds of romantic relationships they will have -- mostly what they express is:
a. I will not never dress like you, because you dress like a dork.
b. I will never have the kind of boring job that YOU have where you . . . go to an office, have a boss, wake up early, etc.
c. I will never live in some boring suburan hellscape like you chose to
d. I will never major in something boring like accounting, like you did

It's a legitimate developmental stage, apparently, but it mostly comes across as ingratitude. YOu want to say : We left our cool, funky apartment to live in the boring suburban hellscape so YOU would have good schools, and now you're judging us for it?
It's like when they were toddlers and they pushed all your buttons, only now they REALLY have your number, and a lot of the things they say can be fairly hurtful because they're actually true. (i.e. You never go to the gym and Cheryl's mother is much prettier than you are. Do you think I don't know that?)
My husband's fed career has plateaued and we're kind of doing time until we retire, and my son at one point referred to my husband's "Dead end job" and it was just so gloriously hurtful.
This is the stage where it's really hard to have to be the adult and not yell back.

Thanks, PP, I laughed and cried simultaneously when I read that. My child is a preteen but I can sense her 'tude headed in the same direction as your described.
But "Cheryl's mother is much prettier than you are"? Ouch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read something that said that they often define themselves in opposition to things -- namely, you. In thinking about what they DO want for a career, where they will want to live someday, what kinds of romantic relationships they will have -- mostly what they express is:
a. I will not never dress like you, because you dress like a dork.
b. I will never have the kind of boring job that YOU have where you . . . go to an office, have a boss, wake up early, etc.
c. I will never live in some boring suburan hellscape like you chose to
d. I will never major in something boring like accounting, like you did

It's a legitimate developmental stage, apparently, but it mostly comes across as ingratitude. YOu want to say : We left our cool, funky apartment to live in the boring suburban hellscape so YOU would have good schools, and now you're judging us for it?
It's like when they were toddlers and they pushed all your buttons, only now they REALLY have your number, and a lot of the things they say can be fairly hurtful because they're actually true. (i.e. You never go to the gym and Cheryl's mother is much prettier than you are. Do you think I don't know that?)
My husband's fed career has plateaued and we're kind of doing time until we retire, and my son at one point referred to my husband's "Dead end job" and it was just so gloriously hurtful.
This is the stage where it's really hard to have to be the adult and not yell back.

Yes! They are looking to set themselves apart from you (which is a perfectly normal and healthy developmental phase) but it often seems like a rejection of everything you are. You absolutely cannot take it personally or you'll destroy the relationship you could have with them as an adult.

[Anonymous]

This is probably the most insightful perspective I’ve had on the matter. Thank you both for articulating it. Taking a front row seat to the mishaps, immaturity and sometimes personal attacks sounds difficult from your child. All the work earlier is so they build up to this wonderful character - it’s understandably frustrating to see the stops and starts when most of us do everything for our child’s success.

I heard things get normal again after college, like 20-22?

-Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have amnesia of your teen years?

Do you remember yours from your mom’s perspective?

[Anonymous]

I have two pretty easy going, so far not rebellious teens. The most annoying thing is, as PP noted, the complete shut down of communication by teen DS. His entire life has become a closely guarded secret and it's very frustrating but I'm trying not to take it personally. I know he'll outgrow it.

[Anonymous]

My son likes to play the trust card anytime I question anything.

Me: Standard questions about where he’s going, with whom, etc.

Him: Why don’t you trust me? (Confrontational tone)

Me: lists all the times he has broken my trust (big ticket issues)

Him: Yes, but I have been trustworthy for two weeks!

[Anonymous]

-vaping/weed
-praying he uses the condoms I bought
-cutting class
-driving
-talking back
-constant worry
-follow through and punishment for breaking rules
-general laziness

It’s like parenting a toddler through life altering situations, every day with no break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is probably the most insightful perspective I’ve had on the matter. Thank you both for articulating it. Taking a front row seat to the mishaps, immaturity and sometimes personal attacks sounds difficult from your child. All the work earlier is so they build up to this wonderful character - it’s understandably frustrating to see the stops and starts when most of us do everything for our child’s success.

I heard things get normal again after college, like 20-22?

-Op

I was a very very difficult teen, and I would say that my relationship with my parents got much better in my 30s. (SORRY!!!) It def improved after college. Now in my 40s it's a great relationship. I talk to my mom on the phone every day, I genuinely look forward to seeing my folks when I visit or they visit - wish we all lived closer together.

Just 20 more years!

(It's funny - when I was at my worst my mom used to say she hoped I one day had a daughter just like me....I decided not to have kids.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two teen boys, so I can answer from that perspective.

Teen boys tend to stop communicating. Their default responses are grunts and shrugs. Example: At dinner last night, I asked my youngest how his sports practice was. I got a shrug and a grunt. I could have yelled at home for being rude, but then I've changed dinnertime chat into a confrontation. So I approached with specific questions that required answers: "Who was there? How is the new coach, etc..." It worked.

They look like "grown ups" but their brains are not mature. This leads to a lot of frustration. We think they can handle situations, they think they can handle situations, but really they aren't ready. Example: My oldest got my car towed a few months back. The sign RIGHT there said no parking, but he didn't see it. He had no idea how to get the car back and called me in a panic. If he's old enough to be able to drive, he should be able to park properly and figure out what to do if he gets towed, right? No...it's a learning experience and he called me when he didn't know what do to. I should be happy about that. I talked him through it (he paid to get the car back, though) and what could have been a shitty day turned out okay.

They are trying out new personalities/looks. This is the time in their lives they a figuring out who they are and they do that by trying different things and it can be tough to watch. Example: "You're wearing THAT?" I remind myself that hair grows and fashion trends come and go. I used to wear three Swatches at once because it was "cool." My mom scandalized her town with a miniskirt and thigh-highs in the early 1960s.

Basically, it's difficult because they are transitioning to adulthood and that is a bumpy process and we have a front row seat to the mishaps. We want to intervene to make sure it goes okay, but intervening doesn't allow for growth and learning. And when something goes wrong, the instinct it to tell them they are idiots, but that's not helpful. It's more productive to help them look for a solution. So it's a constant balancing act that we don't always get right. I try to say something kind and hug them once a day (whether they want to or not).

hit the nail on the head!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-vaping/weed
-praying he uses the condoms I bought
-cutting class
-driving
-talking back
-constant worry
-follow through and punishment for breaking rules
-general laziness

It’s like parenting a toddler through life altering situations, every day with no break.

LOL!!!!!!!

You are living my life !!!!!!!!!