What makes teens so annoying to parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have amnesia of your teen years?

Do you remember yours from your mom’s perspective?

I don't need to because I have the gift of insight. It's not hard to reflect on my actions and realize why they would have been annoying to the adults in my life.

[Anonymous]

Mine is on the verge of being a teen:

Honestly, you just start losing your grip on them. For instance, I am trying to keep a routine this summer that doesn't include constant video games, screen, etc. It's been one confrontation after another.

Communication:

Me: How was school?
DS: Fine.
Me: What did you enjoy the most at school today?
DS: Stop interrogating me.

Me (calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute.
Me (a minute later, calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS ignoring me
Me (calmly): You've been watching tv for three solid hours. Turn it off and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute
Me: (a few minutes later, raising my voice): find something else to do or something will be found.
DS: Why are you yelling? I was doing what you wanted. You don't have to be so crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the time you are parenting a teen, you are middle aged, and have likely worked hard at giving your kids as good a life as you can. You have devoted lots of attention and energy to parenting, their education, etc. The journey has been long, maybe your energy is lagging a bit. Just at that point, they become the most self-centered that they will ever be. at the same time, they may start making mistakes that can have serious consequences for their health, safety and future.
They also become hella expensive.

Many have, many haven’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son likes to play the trust card anytime I question anything.

Me: Standard questions about where he’s going, with whom, etc.

Him: Why don’t you trust me? (Confrontational tone)

Me: lists all the times he has broken my trust (big ticket issues)

Him: Yes, but I have been trustworthy for two weeks!

Yup. Another pp here, all of these responses are so dead on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is on the verge of being a teen:

Honestly, you just start losing your grip on them. For instance, I am trying to keep a routine this summer that doesn't include constant video games, screen, etc. It's been one confrontation after another.

Communication:

Me: How was school?
DS: Fine.
Me: What did you enjoy the most at school today?
DS: Stop interrogating me.

Me (calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute.
Me (a minute later, calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS ignoring me
Me (calmly): You've been watching tv for three solid hours. Turn it off and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute
Me: (a few minutes later, raising my voice): find something else to do or something will be found.
DS: Why are you yelling? I was doing what you wanted. You don't have to be so crazy.

some gentle advice:

instead of "turn off the tv and find something else to do" why not try...

"hon, can you push pause a second?"

"you've watched a lot of tv today. how much longer is this episode? please don't start another one."

you get to the same place (within a few minutes) but you show respect, you model polite discourse, and you don't make them feel quite so ordered around.

no one likes to be interrupted in the middle of something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is on the verge of being a teen:

Honestly, you just start losing your grip on them. For instance, I am trying to keep a routine this summer that doesn't include constant video games, screen, etc. It's been one confrontation after another.

Communication:

Me: How was school?
DS: Fine.
Me: What did you enjoy the most at school today?
DS: Stop interrogating me.

Me (calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute.
Me (a minute later, calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS ignoring me
Me (calmly): You've been watching tv for three solid hours. Turn it off and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute
Me: (a few minutes later, raising my voice): find something else to do or something will be found.
DS: Why are you yelling? I was doing what you wanted. You don't have to be so crazy.

some gentle advice:

instead of "turn off the tv and find something else to do" why not try...

"hon, can you push pause a second?"

"you've watched a lot of tv today. how much longer is this episode? please don't start another one."

you get to the same place (within a few minutes) but you show respect, you model polite discourse, and you don't make them feel quite so ordered around.

no one likes to be interrupted in the middle of something.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is on the verge of being a teen:

Honestly, you just start losing your grip on them. For instance, I am trying to keep a routine this summer that doesn't include constant video games, screen, etc. It's been one confrontation after another.

Communication:

Me: How was school?
DS: Fine.
Me: What did you enjoy the most at school today?
DS: Stop interrogating me.

Me (calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute.
Me (a minute later, calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS ignoring me
Me (calmly): You've been watching tv for three solid hours. Turn it off and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute
Me: (a few minutes later, raising my voice): find something else to do or something will be found.
DS: Why are you yelling? I was doing what you wanted. You don't have to be so crazy.

In the first case, you just asked open-ended generic questions. You could try to find out what they are learning about, especially in the child's favorite subject. You didn't put in much effort. Why should the child?

In the second case you did some repetitive nagging. You told the child to do "something else" but you didn't provide any ideas.
Instead you just did repetitive nagging. You didn't put in much effort. Why should the child?

No surprises here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is on the verge of being a teen:

Honestly, you just start losing your grip on them. For instance, I am trying to keep a routine this summer that doesn't include constant video games, screen, etc. It's been one confrontation after another.

Communication:

Me: How was school?
DS: Fine.
Me: What did you enjoy the most at school today?
DS: Stop interrogating me.

Me (calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute.
Me (a minute later, calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS ignoring me
Me (calmly): You've been watching tv for three solid hours. Turn it off and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute
Me: (a few minutes later, raising my voice): find something else to do or something will be found.
DS: Why are you yelling? I was doing what you wanted. You don't have to be so crazy.

In the first case, you just asked open-ended generic questions. You could try to find out what they are learning about, especially in the child's favorite subject. You didn't put in much effort. Why should the child?

In the second case you did some repetitive nagging. You told the child to do "something else" but you didn't provide any ideas.
Instead you just did repetitive nagging. You didn't put in much effort. Why should the child?

No surprises here.

Th thing is you can say the “right” things and you will still get pushback somewhere else. The majority of teens do exactly as PPs describe. You may get lucky, but that’s more personality than parenting.

Spent all of my patience with my own obnoxious DD who finally grew into a delightful 21 year old that I love having around.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. But unless you are imaginative and work hard at it, you can't move the needle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. But unless you are imaginative and work hard at it, you can't move the needle.

what do you mean?

It doesn't take that much to be imaginative, or commit to working hard. Living with a teen who wants nothing to do with you, and the fear he'd never come back to me (all normal) was all the motivation I needed to be imaginative and hardworking.

I did get changes and improvements, but no magic.

[Anonymous]

STRONGLY recommend "How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk."

[Anonymous]

After many years of smooth sailing, my DS hit the brakes and now has become difficult again like when he was a toddler/preschooler. What happened? That behavior looks ridiculous on a 14 yr old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is on the verge of being a teen:

Honestly, you just start losing your grip on them. For instance, I am trying to keep a routine this summer that doesn't include constant video games, screen, etc. It's been one confrontation after another.

Communication:

Me: How was school?
DS: Fine.
Me: What did you enjoy the most at school today?
DS: Stop interrogating me.

Me (calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute.
Me (a minute later, calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS ignoring me
Me (calmly): You've been watching tv for three solid hours. Turn it off and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute
Me: (a few minutes later, raising my voice): find something else to do or something will be found.
DS: Why are you yelling? I was doing what you wanted. You don't have to be so crazy.

some gentle advice:

instead of "turn off the tv and find something else to do" why not try...

"hon, can you push pause a second?"

"you've watched a lot of tv today. how much longer is this episode? please don't start another one."

you get to the same place (within a few minutes) but you show respect, you model polite discourse, and you don't make them feel quite so ordered around.

no one likes to be interrupted in the middle of something.

Agree. They aren't fully formed adults, but its good to model respect if you want to receive it yourself. I've actually found that the techniques I used on dc as a toddler work now. DH will interrupt a video game (or whatever) and say "do x now" and is frustrated when he gets a grumpy response. Just like with a smaller child, I give options, both of which are acceptable:

"I'm going to the gym in 30 minutes. Do you want to come with me, or do you want to take the dog for a walk?"
If he says walk the dog, we agree on when he's going to do it.

This is the teenage version of "Do you want to take a bath first and then read a book, or read a book and then take a bath?"

It gives them at least an illusion of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is probably the most insightful perspective I’ve had on the matter. Thank you both for articulating it. Taking a front row seat to the mishaps, immaturity and sometimes personal attacks sounds difficult from your child. All the work earlier is so they build up to this wonderful character - it’s understandably frustrating to see the stops and starts when most of us do everything for our child’s success.

I heard things get normal again after college, like 20-22?

-Op

NP here. Yes, thanks to PPs for the excellent, insightful posts. This thread is fascinating ( parents of elementary schoolers).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs have nailed it so just want to add: When they rebel, it makes you think you did not do a good job of translating your values. It's hard to listen to them dismiss things you've tried to instill in them.

And something else: the culture is against you. The culture is trying to cultivate a consumer. So to get that consumer, they encourage short term decisions vs. long term investment. The culture is "you'll be happy if you engage in sex, drugs, shopping, basically you'll be happy by INDULGING, and you will be all alone and scorned if you don't go with the herd." It's designed with their developmental stage in mind. It's rough.

And basically you lose a lot of control. You can't just sign them up for a tennis class and expect them to go. You can't physically restrain them...you can't do really anything but hope that they will make good choices when they are doing things without your supervision.

And you have to come to terms with that the kid you have is not the kid you envisioned. Example: The athlete's son hates sports, or is uncoordinated, or likes acting instead. My friend, who is a doctor, had to wrap her head around the fact that her kid sucks at math, which is my friend's strong point. I love to hike and I've got one teen that will spend zero time outdoors, and I live in a state with beautiful weather. You want to give your kid your values, and you assume your kid will inherit your talents, and then you have to recognize them as someone unique from your dreams and wishes. It's a weaning process, and weaning takes years and involves both sides.

Amazing post