What makes teens so annoying to parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs have nailed it so just want to add: When they rebel, it makes you think you did not do a good job of translating your values. It's hard to listen to them dismiss things you've tried to instill in them.

And something else: the culture is against you. The culture is trying to cultivate a consumer. So to get that consumer, they encourage short term decisions vs. long term investment. The culture is "you'll be happy if you engage in sex, drugs, shopping, basically you'll be happy by INDULGING, and you will be all alone and scorned if you don't go with the herd." It's designed with their developmental stage in mind. It's rough.

And basically you lose a lot of control. You can't just sign them up for a tennis class and expect them to go. You can't physically restrain them...you can't do really anything but hope that they will make good choices when they are doing things without your supervision.

And you have to come to terms with that the kid you have is not the kid you envisioned. Example: The athlete's son hates sports, or is uncoordinated, or likes acting instead. My friend, who is a doctor, had to wrap her head around the fact that her kid sucks at math, which is my friend's strong point. I love to hike and I've got one teen that will spend zero time outdoors, and I live in a state with beautiful weather. You want to give your kid your values, and you assume your kid will inherit your talents, and then you have to recognize them as someone unique from your dreams and wishes. It's a weaning process, and weaning takes years and involves both sides.

Amazing post

Yes - I needed to read that.

[Anonymous]

^^ the best part about this post is that it focuses on things besides the crap the kids do.

Sure, teens really are annoying because they behave in annoying ways, but we parents are contributors to the dynamic. Sometimes we throw oil on the flames. Sometimes we are just struggling with our own crap about the emerging adults.

[Anonymous]

They lie, they drink, they tell you how to drive, they tell you not to miss your turn(really!), they act like everything is the end of the world! They use the stupid word triggered, they are messy, they have no idea how to manage time(but think they do, as in playing ball at 5pm in Rockcreek park and planing a 6pm movie in Laurel!) I thought is was just mine that is missing a few, but nope all of them. Thinking that you are cruel that they can't camp in Ocean City all summer and you keep sending money. Talking all night with their friends.

But, ok, for real? They need to tear us down, so they can become independent. Breaking away. It is all normal. One minute they are awesome mature grown ups, and the next my little whiny babies. I wouldn't change it for the world!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have amnesia of your teen years?

Haven’t read this thread but this was my first thought. My kids are young but I was a teen. And my siblings were teens. And our friends. So odd to me that anyone would not understand ad this.

[Anonymous]

It's an evolutionary adaptation to get them out of our lives, so we can have more children. Your feelings have evolved to get your genes in the next generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an evolutionary adaptation to get them out of our lives, so we can have more children. Your feelings have evolved to get your genes in the next generation.

Interesting. At least in theory, it makes more sense than the previous explanations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs have nailed it so just want to add: When they rebel, it makes you think you did not do a good job of translating your values. It's hard to listen to them dismiss things you've tried to instill in them.

And something else: the culture is against you. The culture is trying to cultivate a consumer. So to get that consumer, they encourage short term decisions vs. long term investment. The culture is "you'll be happy if you engage in sex, drugs, shopping, basically you'll be happy by INDULGING, and you will be all alone and scorned if you don't go with the herd." It's designed with their developmental stage in mind. It's rough.

And basically you lose a lot of control. You can't just sign them up for a tennis class and expect them to go. You can't physically restrain them...you can't do really anything but hope that they will make good choices when they are doing things without your supervision.

And you have to come to terms with that the kid you have is not the kid you envisioned. Example: The athlete's son hates sports, or is uncoordinated, or likes acting instead. My friend, who is a doctor, had to wrap her head around the fact that her kid sucks at math, which is my friend's strong point. I love to hike and I've got one teen that will spend zero time outdoors, and I live in a state with beautiful weather. You want to give your kid your values, and you assume your kid will inherit your talents, and then you have to recognize them as someone unique from your dreams and wishes. It's a weaning process, and weaning takes years and involves both sides.

Amazing post

Yes - I needed to read that.

Me, too. Thank you, PP!

[Anonymous]

My former boss, in his 80s, said that his family of 4 were so close growing up, it was lovely, but his daughters never really left, never married, and in hindsight it might have been better if they had broken away and started their own families.

[Anonymous]

God makes teenagers and old people mean because otherwise we'd never be able to let them go.

[Anonymous]

Teens reject the choices of the parents. It can be annoying, but baby birds would never leave the nest if they didn’t think they could build a better nest. Rejection is a healthy part of growing into their own selves, but it isn’t without some pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My former boss, in his 80s, said that his family of 4 were so close growing up, it was lovely, but his daughters never really left, never married, and in hindsight it might have been better if they had broken away and started their own families.

I know a few women like your boss’ daughters. Always *very* close to their parents, look back so fondly on their teen years with Mom and Dad, never rebelled, never fought, argued... And they never really left that, never married, no kids, were very late to move out of their family homes (if at all, one still lives in it). Sometimes I think that I am grateful for the normal teen turmoil I experienced at home, if it had been lovely, would I have ever left?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God makes teenagers and old people mean because otherwise we'd never be able to let them go.

The timing is kinda perfect....when your kids are little you can’t imagine ever sending them off to college, or out on their own, and then by the time college comes around, you are SO ready to send them.

The old people, LOL. Kinda true too!

[Anonymous]

Just to thank you all for thoughtful and thought-provoking posts. I miss my sweet, joyful little girl so much. There are flashes of her in this sullen, body-obsessed 14-year old she's become, but only occasionally, and usually after I've given her a lot of money.
And another painful truth about her saying I'm not as pretty or as fit as Cheryl's mom: Even in my prime, which was too many years ago, I was not as pretty or as fit as Cheryl's mom. Thanks for pointing that out, DD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is on the verge of being a teen:

Honestly, you just start losing your grip on them. For instance, I am trying to keep a routine this summer that doesn't include constant video games, screen, etc. It's been one confrontation after another.

Communication:

Me: How was school?
DS: Fine.
Me: What did you enjoy the most at school today?
DS: Stop interrogating me.

Me (calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute.
Me (a minute later, calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS ignoring me
Me (calmly): You've been watching tv for three solid hours. Turn it off and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute
Me: (a few minutes later, raising my voice): find something else to do or something will be found.
DS: Why are you yelling? I was doing what you wanted. You don't have to be so crazy.

some gentle advice:

instead of "turn off the tv and find something else to do" why not try...

"hon, can you push pause a second?"

"you've watched a lot of tv today. how much longer is this episode? please don't start another one."

you get to the same place (within a few minutes) but you show respect, you model polite discourse, and you don't make them feel quite so ordered around.

no one likes to be interrupted in the middle of something.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is on the verge of being a teen:

Honestly, you just start losing your grip on them. For instance, I am trying to keep a routine this summer that doesn't include constant video games, screen, etc. It's been one confrontation after another.

Communication:

Me: How was school?
DS: Fine.
Me: What did you enjoy the most at school today?
DS: Stop interrogating me.

Me (calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute.
Me (a minute later, calmly): turn off the tv and find something else to do.
DS ignoring me
Me (calmly): You've been watching tv for three solid hours. Turn it off and find something else to do.
DS: In a minute
Me: (a few minutes later, raising my voice): find something else to do or something will be found.
DS: Why are you yelling? I was doing what you wanted. You don't have to be so crazy.

In the first case, you just asked open-ended generic questions. You could try to find out what they are learning about, especially in the child's favorite subject. You didn't put in much effort. Why should the child?

In the second case you did some repetitive nagging. You told the child to do "something else" but you didn't provide any ideas.
Instead you just did repetitive nagging. You didn't put in much effort. Why should the child?

No surprises here.

I understand that all teens are different, so there is no one answer, but I really don't understand your comment. Why should the parents have provided options for the kids as entertainment? Parents of youngers kids do this all the time, and kids figure it out just fine. You really think a 13 or 14 year old can't come up with other ways to entertain themselves with something other than a screen?