She’s so beautiful!

[Anonymous]

I have 8 year old mixed race (I say that for a reason that will become clear) twin girls. One of them is objectively very very strikingly beautiful with a tall lean frame and very long fine hair down to her bottom. The other one is very pretty too-also with very long fine hair in ringlets, tall and slim though she is more solidly built.

People’s reactions to them have always been the same whether they hold back on commenting or not. They are magnetically drawn to one - they stare and stare and even if they say “they’re so so beautiful” or refrain from saying anything they stare at the one child. This happens with adults mainly of all colors-black, white, make, female.
I feel wretched about my other daughter who is very pretty but is always on the shadow of her striking sister looks-wise and she knows it and feels bad about it. Always looking for reassurance and affirmation on her looks. Since they were very young I would notice her look at the commenters and turn to look at her sister because invariably the commenter’s eyes would be on her sister.
The very worst are those who say outright about the one daughter-“she is so so beautiful!” right in front of her same age sister. Why? I cringe and pray that my other daughter has not heard but most of the time she has. The very worst culprits are Black people. Why why why do they do that? They go on and on and touch her hair as my other daughter stands and watches. Sometimes they catch themselves and comment on her too but it’s always an afterthought. It makes bile rise up in me. Even though I have always told them and their siblings together and very consciously that they are all lovely, she always reacts negatively and says “no I’m not”. She and her sister are the best of friends but I am noticing jealousy and mean remarks creeping in. I’m so sad because I want them to always be each other’s best friend as they are now.
Then there are the twits -one black friend recently said, in front of them, that she thinks of one as the “whiter” twin because she is lean with Caucasian features and the other as the “blacker” because, while slim, she is “thicker”? What does that even mean? They both have the exact same complexion and I don’t see one as having more Caucasian features than the other. Why are those thoughts even occurring to anyone? I was so surprised that my friend had thought this way all along and she seemed shocked that I did not see my daughters that way. I had a stern word with her because we are very close and asked her never to mention their looks in their hearing again. I was so exasperated!
Another friend -a white male and the only white person that has ever said anything -asked me why one was lean and the other “stockier”. But they were both right there!! And how, pray tell, would I know the answer to that question?
My daughter, has started to say that browner skin and curly hair are ugly and she is ugly and that she hates herself. No amount of reassurance seems to hold because before long someone will open their big mouth and comment.
I am writing because today we went for an ice cream and were having a lovely tone. As we were leaving, met an Ethiopian lady from the Hair Cuttery my son goes to and I stopped and said hello. She suddenly pointed at one daughter and exclaimed “she’s so beautiful!” I saw the downcast look on my other daughter’s face and my heart sank. From having a lovely day out, my daughter was sad and silent all the way home.
Why do people do this? Is it because they are young and they think the children will not notice? I just don’t get how people can be so insensitive. My daughter has been saying she is sad all evening and that she hates herself but will not say why but I know and it breaks my heart.
I don’t even know why I am writing. There’s nothing anyone can do. Why are people so focused on looks? Looks fade and it’s what inside that ultimately matters. They are both kind lovely girls and the one that attracts attention never seems to think of herself as better than. She never even mentions her looks. I just worry that these comments will eventually start getting to her head, about how this will affect her sister’s self esteem and their relationship as they enter their teens when emotions are so volatile. I’m so sad right now for my beautiful little girl inside and out who may forever think she is somehow inferior.

[Anonymous]

That is so rough, OP. I think you’re doing all that you can, and both your girls will be OK as a result. You are clearly very observant and caring, and you’re keeping the communication lines open with both kids.

[Anonymous]

I really hope this is a troll. People should know not to say such things in front of two kids. Also, people should know not to perpetuate such a Eurocentric idea of beauty.

If this isn’t a troll, I’m truly sorry for you and your daughters. Most of us learn at some point we aren’t as pretty as other people, but it shouldn’t be young and it shouldn’t be tied to racial characteristics (though I’m sure it often is). Hopefully your daughter will learn that physical beauty and value as a human being are not the same.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. I have two daughters too. That hurts my heart. It sounds like you have two beautiful daughters. One may be a slightly later bloomer than the other. Maybe the one who is overlooking now will hone an amazing talent- sense of humor, intellect, skill— in time. Underdogs like us often do. It gives me no happiness to say so, but my brother was the child prodigy who went to Stanford at 16. I was the normal one. He has not succeeded in life or career, and I have. I was always compared when younger and worked hard for my parents and teachers attention. I feel my mother at least never truly recognized me for it. She favored my brother in subtle but clear ways.

[Anonymous]

Troll

[Anonymous]

Meh. Your are making too much of this. Sit them both down and tell them there is always going to be someone prettier out there in the world, and help them build their self worth on things beyond their looks. Don’t emphasize shopping and hair and makeup- encourage and praise athletics and academics and the arts. Don’t praise looks. Hug them tight and tell them you are blessed to have two kids who are beautiful INSIDE and out. And if the pretty one starts to lord it over her sister, tell her sharply that pretty is as pretty does. And perspective- you have two beautiful kids.

And for when she gets older- To the one who is less beautiful, get real! She might not get as many comments as the sister but she’s still blessed to be good looking! Ask her -would she rather be unattractive?” Then quit moaning and thank god for what he gave you!”

[Anonymous]

Those of you calling troll have definitely not experienced this sort of behavior. It is very, very real.

I identify as AA but come from a multiracial family. in my family, I am the "whiter" presenting sibling, with fairer skin and slightly less coarse hair. I am shorter and fatter than my sister, but she is darker, with kinkier hair. Our whole lives I was given special treatment because I have fairer skin. OP, talk to you girls about this, make sure they know that people are terrible and stupid and that these external opinions are not true value judgments on who they are as people.

OP, the less desirable daughter needs to be taken care of and given extra special treatment. My parents did not do this with my sister and she struggled badly. Low self esteem, depression, the works. She and I had a tough relationship in the teen years and we are ok now because we're able to talk openly about how we were treated and how wrong it is.

You are already on the right track by being hyper aware of this and knowing that it is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 8 year old mixed race (I say that for a reason that will become clear) twin girls. One of them is objectively very very strikingly beautiful with a tall lean frame and very long fine hair down to her bottom. The other one is very pretty too-also with very long fine hair in ringlets, tall and slim though she is more solidly built.

People’s reactions to them have always been the same whether they hold back on commenting or not. They are magnetically drawn to one - they stare and stare and even if they say “they’re so so beautiful” or refrain from saying anything they stare at the one child. This happens with adults mainly of all colors-black, white, make, female.
I feel wretched about my other daughter who is very pretty but is always on the shadow of her striking sister looks-wise and she knows it and feels bad about it. Always looking for reassurance and affirmation on her looks. Since they were very young I would notice her look at the commenters and turn to look at her sister because invariably the commenter’s eyes would be on her sister.
The very worst are those who say outright about the one daughter-“she is so so beautiful!” right in front of her same age sister. Why? I cringe and pray that my other daughter has not heard but most of the time she has. The very worst culprits are Black people. Why why why do they do that? They go on and on and touch her hair as my other daughter stands and watches. Sometimes they catch themselves and comment on her too but it’s always an afterthought. It makes bile rise up in me. Even though I have always told them and their siblings together and very consciously that they are all lovely, she always reacts negatively and says “no I’m not”. She and her sister are the best of friends but I am noticing jealousy and mean remarks creeping in. I’m so sad because I want them to always be each other’s best friend as they are now.
Then there are the twits -one black friend recently said, in front of them, that she thinks of one as the “whiter” twin because she is lean with Caucasian features and the other as the “blacker” because, while slim, she is “thicker”? What does that even mean? They both have the exact same complexion and I don’t see one as having more Caucasian features than the other. Why are those thoughts even occurring to anyone? I was so surprised that my friend had thought this way all along and she seemed shocked that I did not see my daughters that way. I had a stern word with her because we are very close and asked her never to mention their looks in their hearing again. I was so exasperated!
Another friend -a white male and the only white person that has ever said anything -asked me why one was lean and the other “stockier”. But they were both right there!! And how, pray tell, would I know the answer to that question?
My daughter, has started to say that browner skin and curly hair are ugly and she is ugly and that she hates herself. No amount of reassurance seems to hold because before long someone will open their big mouth and comment.
I am writing because today we went for an ice cream and were having a lovely tone. As we were leaving, met an Ethiopian lady from the Hair Cuttery my son goes to and I stopped and said hello. She suddenly pointed at one daughter and exclaimed “she’s so beautiful!” I saw the downcast look on my other daughter’s face and my heart sank. From having a lovely day out, my daughter was sad and silent all the way home.
Why do people do this? Is it because they are young and they think the children will not notice? I just don’t get how people can be so insensitive. My daughter has been saying she is sad all evening and that she hates herself but will not say why but I know and it breaks my heart.
I don’t even know why I am writing. There’s nothing anyone can do. Why are people so focused on looks? Looks fade and it’s what inside that ultimately matters. They are both kind lovely girls and the one that attracts attention never seems to think of herself as better than. She never even mentions her looks. I just worry that these comments will eventually start getting to her head, about how this will affect her sister’s self esteem and their relationship as they enter their teens when emotions are so volatile. I’m so sad right now for my beautiful little girl inside and out who may forever think she is somehow inferior.

I would actually try to deemphasize appearance. I have a multiracial AA daughter around the same age. I basically never mention looks. When I do, I say that it’s okay to want to look nice, but what’s inside and how you treat people matters a lot more. I also don’t spend a lot of time on my own appearance (rarely wear makeup, etc.), and so I hope I’m setting that example that looks matter to some extent, but it’s not the most important thing.

As for handling ignorant comments, I might try to come up with some sort of comeback that emphasizes other qualities (you can have a few handy to deploy) about both girls. It won’t solve it, but might help a little if it’s genuine praise from you about other traits.

“Yes, and what I really love is that she’s also a great reader. And [the other twin] is awesome at math/soccer/ballet. They both work really hard and I’m proud of them.”
“Yes, and my girls are big bookworms—can you tell Mrs. Smith what you’re reading right now?
Etc.

[Anonymous]

omg mom of two girls here (2 years apart) and OP is definitely not a troll!

Yes, it's women who do this! Horrible!

I will tell you something, though, OP...my kids are teens now and there is a big difference between teens and 8 year olds. My girls, at 8 and 6 (and 10 and 8) were similar, but then they went totally opposite ways and now at 16 and 14 are so different you would not know they are sisters!

Girls will do this on purpose (not conciously) to differentiate from each other, so no one is stepping on the other's territory. So one gets into makeup, the other won't touch makeup. Both played basketball, the younger one was better and the older one dropped basketball and got into dance. One fancies herself as the academic and one is the sporty one.

Your worry, OP, might not be a worry...because the one you may have to worry about is the one that gets all the compliments on her looks. (Let's call her Larla). When developmentally she is differentiating from her sister, she may embrace all that and be "the pretty one" while her sister is "the smart one."

While "the smart one" may start differentiating by wearing old sweats and glasses, she is more likely to be "ok" in life, than Larla who may invest in her looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those of you calling troll have definitely not experienced this sort of behavior. It is very, very real.

I identify as AA but come from a multiracial family. in my family, I am the "whiter" presenting sibling, with fairer skin and slightly less coarse hair. I am shorter and fatter than my sister, but she is darker, with kinkier hair. Our whole lives I was given special treatment because I have fairer skin. OP, talk to you girls about this, make sure they know that people are terrible and stupid and that these external opinions are not true value judgments on who they are as people.

OP, the less desirable daughter needs to be taken care of and given extra special treatment. My parents did not do this with my sister and she struggled badly. Low self esteem, depression, the works. She and I had a tough relationship in the teen years and we are ok now because we're able to talk openly about how we were treated and how wrong it is.

You are already on the right track by being hyper aware of this and knowing that it is wrong.

OP here. Thank you for understanding!! Unless you have lived this it’s hard to comprehend so this is a case, to some, of fact being stranger than fiction. I could not make this stuff up.
I have always been hesitant about addressing this head on because I don’t want to actually say those words to her already fragile self esteem. I just affirm and reaffirm rather than addressing the actual comments.
To those who say just talk to her about it, how do you look at your sweet sad 8 year old daughter and say get over it?
We build her up in many ways. She’s a great sportswoman and a funny and fun loving little girl. She cracks everyone up with her jokes. But to see her sad over something out of her control yet which comes up again and again and, while we do not emphasize looks at home, they are certainly emphasized by others, is very very sad. She’s my daughter. Her pain is my pain. Perhaps I am not articulating well enough how heartbreaking it is to watch. She’s not an adult -she’s 8- and can’t rationalize like we can. And it’s been happening all her life. It’s hard to explain but PP gets it.
It’s also hard to strike a balance. It’s not her sister’s fault this is happening so I cannot over do the special treatment because that will bring about an imbalance in the way I treat them. The twin relationship is a delicate balance which adds to the problem.

To the poster who said stop complaining, I was just venting after seeing my daughter sad all evening. I don’t talk about it to anyone except my husband. He was out so I came here. Thanks for the encouragement.

Anyway I appreciate those who gave advice and the perspective of those who really understand.

[Anonymous]

I would address it head on with your daughters - both daughters- and point out the issues with commenters annoyingly and shallowly commenting about looks so much. Talk about your values, and that should not include appearances.

Also I would decide the message you want both daughters to hear and then say that every time someone comments to them. Such as, "thanks and I'm sure you mean well, but in our family we value ___ more than outer appearances."

[Anonymous]

The only thing you can do is make your home a safe place where none of that shit goes down and you value what’s important.

But even if you didn’t it will be ok. I’m one of four girls and my dad was very toxic in this way. We all survived. We have our issues, but that’s life.

People won’t stop. If one sibling is strikingly good looking people will comment.

[Anonymous]

I think you do need to address it head-on. Because the problem isn’t that only one of them is pretty. The problem is that only one of them is pretty in a way that is highly valued by society. You don’t have to say, “well your sister is prettier than you” but you can say, “There will always be people comparing you and a lot of people will talk about your looks because it is the only thing they can see, but the reality is that you are BOTH pretty in your own ways and beyond that it doesn’t really matter how you look.” And I agree that overall the answer is to divert attention away from looks altogether.

[Anonymous]

I'd say something to her. Say you noticed her reaction when someone says X, and you've heard her make comments that she's ugly, and you know it hurts. Let her talk about it, honestly. Give her a safe place to deal with those feelings. Because you can't change other people, but you can make clear that you think they are rude and unkind, and also that they are commenting on the most superficial thing about her and her sister. They are so much more than their looks, and talk about the qualities they have that make you genuinely proud. And that they are both pretty, but they need to make sure they don't buy into the comparisons that others are making between them.

[Anonymous]

I find it weird that’s people would stare at one of the children merely because of the body type. “Tall and slender with long hair” does not attract attention at age 8. A stunning face, yes.