She’s so beautiful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are stupid.

One way to address this is to thank people and immediately say: I know, I won the lottery with my girls, they're both so kind/smart/beautiful.

The other is to teach your kid to value herself regardless of how the world views her. This is the most important thing to teach a woman. Beautiful or not.

+1 great advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are stupid.

One way to address this is to thank people and immediately say: I know, I won the lottery with my girls, they're both so kind/smart/beautiful.

The other is to teach your kid to value herself regardless of how the world views her. This is the most important thing to teach a woman. Beautiful or not.

+1 great advice

OP you need to say something like this or something else to brush off the comments about their looks. You being silent or nodding & saying thanks might work socially but it reenforces the negative comments to your other child. Also, it might be painful to talk but try to talk to your other daughter and let her open up (if you aren't doing this already). You know she is hurting, she knows that you know, you need to talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids, a boy and a girl. My dd is lighter and strikingly beautiful. People cannot help themselves. And my son is stung by it. Because my children are (part) black, I continue to them that they are beautiful because society will be hard on them as adults. I maintain that not talking about looks is white privilege.

All girls feel bad about their looks at some point, regardless of race. (Maybe boys do too, I don't know.) White girls may not get the same messages in the same context as black girls, but it is the rare white girl who doesn't "know" by the age of 9 or 10 that blond hair and blue eyes are "better," that skinnier is "better," that taller but not too tall is "better," that everyone measures them by how pretty they are. And that the standard of prettiness is blond hair, blue eyes, and slenderness.

[Anonymous]

I want to address the staring... I have 2 friends that are so incredibly beautiful... people admit they have a hard time "not staring".

It's like you are trying to figure out what it is... they definitely have je ne sais quoi.

From my personal experience the people that end up with the self esteem issues are these girls. Girls are mean to them and nice guys are afraid to talk to them. They are like the kicker on the football team, they are on the team but not really "part of the team". Nobody can relate to them.

I have literally seen guys lose their voice when my friend from HS would say hi to a male friend of mine.

Clearly some girls are just amazingly beautiful. You can't deny it. If you try your other daughter will think you are being unauthentic.

I agree people are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:here is the thing - one of your daughters won the genetic lottery and the other didn't. they are now old enough to notice it, and it's only going to become more glaringly obvious. i mean, almost every boy your less beautiful daughter likes will prefer her sister. and you can't really do anything about that.

stop lying to your daughter that this doesn't matter. she won't believe you and you will only lose credibility. you need to make sure that

1) your less beautiful daughter needs to make the most of her appearance. teach her to dress and use make up. consider plastic surgery (e.g. a nose, or a chin) if it would make sense. make sure her teeth look good.
2) make sure your stunning daughter takes advantage of it. i know several extremely beautiful women who ended up singled and childless after having their pick of men for some 20 years.

i have a sister with a movie start looks that had men stop their cars and jump out to beg her for her numbers. i was cute but nowhere close to that level. it sucked, but we have a solid relationship. i wish my mother taught me or at least encouraged me to look my best as opposed to lying to me that looks didn't matter. i was in my thirties when i learned very basic tips on how to dress my body.

What tragic advice. Plastic surgery? What kind of parent would propose that to a child?

somebody with a firmer grasp of reality than you seem to have. a properly indicated nose job can tremendously improve appearance. there is nothing sacred about a nose lump or a weak chin. it's so much more effective than bullshitting all day long how things that clearly matter and are observed within seconds do not matter.

Her child is EIGHT. And there is nothing wrong with her face. Jesus, you are vapid. I hope you’re not raising girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:here is the thing - one of your daughters won the genetic lottery and the other didn't. they are now old enough to notice it, and it's only going to become more glaringly obvious. i mean, almost every boy your less beautiful daughter likes will prefer her sister. and you can't really do anything about that.

stop lying to your daughter that this doesn't matter. she won't believe you and you will only lose credibility. you need to make sure that

1) your less beautiful daughter needs to make the most of her appearance. teach her to dress and use make up. consider plastic surgery (e.g. a nose, or a chin) if it would make sense. make sure her teeth look good.
2) make sure your stunning daughter takes advantage of it. i know several extremely beautiful women who ended up singled and childless after having their pick of men for some 20 years.

i have a sister with a movie start looks that had men stop their cars and jump out to beg her for her numbers. i was cute but nowhere close to that level. it sucked, but we have a solid relationship. i wish my mother taught me or at least encouraged me to look my best as opposed to lying to me that looks didn't matter. i was in my thirties when i learned very basic tips on how to dress my body.

What tragic advice. Plastic surgery? What kind of parent would propose that to a child?

somebody with a firmer grasp of reality than you seem to have. a properly indicated nose job can tremendously improve appearance. there is nothing sacred about a nose lump or a weak chin. it's so much more effective than bullshitting all day long how things that clearly matter and are observed within seconds do not matter.

Her child is EIGHT. And there is nothing wrong with her face. Jesus, you are vapid. I hope you’re not raising girls.

my husband and i, both phds, are raising girls. i didn't say that OP should bring up plastic surgery now - just to keep the option open in own her mind if it's something that could help her DD as opposed to being prejudiced and forcing her to love her big nose or whatever. surgery is far from a magic bullet and is certainly in not advisable in many cases but it has helped tremendous number of people.

there is way too much denial going on here. you can't talk your way into being beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:here is the thing - one of your daughters won the genetic lottery and the other didn't. they are now old enough to notice it, and it's only going to become more glaringly obvious. i mean, almost every boy your less beautiful daughter likes will prefer her sister. and you can't really do anything about that.

stop lying to your daughter that this doesn't matter. she won't believe you and you will only lose credibility. you need to make sure that

1) your less beautiful daughter needs to make the most of her appearance. teach her to dress and use make up. consider plastic surgery (e.g. a nose, or a chin) if it would make sense. make sure her teeth look good.
2) make sure your stunning daughter takes advantage of it. i know several extremely beautiful women who ended up singled and childless after having their pick of men for some 20 years.

i have a sister with a movie start looks that had men stop their cars and jump out to beg her for her numbers. i was cute but nowhere close to that level. it sucked, but we have a solid relationship. i wish my mother taught me or at least encouraged me to look my best as opposed to lying to me that looks didn't matter. i was in my thirties when i learned very basic tips on how to dress my body.

What tragic advice. Plastic surgery? What kind of parent would propose that to a child?

somebody with a firmer grasp of reality than you seem to have. a properly indicated nose job can tremendously improve appearance. there is nothing sacred about a nose lump or a weak chin. it's so much more effective than bullshitting all day long how things that clearly matter and are observed within seconds do not matter.

Her child is EIGHT. And there is nothing wrong with her face. Jesus, you are vapid. I hope you’re not raising girls.

Let's pretend the PP thought they were 18 not 8, in the interest of maintaining lower blood pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:here is the thing - one of your daughters won the genetic lottery and the other didn't. they are now old enough to notice it, and it's only going to become more glaringly obvious. i mean, almost every boy your less beautiful daughter likes will prefer her sister. and you can't really do anything about that.

stop lying to your daughter that this doesn't matter. she won't believe you and you will only lose credibility. you need to make sure that

1) your less beautiful daughter needs to make the most of her appearance. teach her to dress and use make up. consider plastic surgery (e.g. a nose, or a chin) if it would make sense. make sure her teeth look good.
2) make sure your stunning daughter takes advantage of it. i know several extremely beautiful women who ended up singled and childless after having their pick of men for some 20 years.

i have a sister with a movie start looks that had men stop their cars and jump out to beg her for her numbers. i was cute but nowhere close to that level. it sucked, but we have a solid relationship. i wish my mother taught me or at least encouraged me to look my best as opposed to lying to me that looks didn't matter. i was in my thirties when i learned very basic tips on how to dress my body.

What tragic advice. Plastic surgery? What kind of parent would propose that to a child?

somebody with a firmer grasp of reality than you seem to have. a properly indicated nose job can tremendously improve appearance. there is nothing sacred about a nose lump or a weak chin. it's so much more effective than bullshitting all day long how things that clearly matter and are observed within seconds do not matter.

Her child is EIGHT. And there is nothing wrong with her face. Jesus, you are vapid. I hope you’re not raising girls.

Let's pretend the PP thought they were 18 not 8, in the interest of maintaining lower blood pressure.

If PP’s reading comprehension is that poor, perhaps she should keep her advice under her hat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What tragic advice. Plastic surgery? What kind of parent would propose that to a child?

somebody with a firmer grasp of reality than you seem to have. a properly indicated nose job can tremendously improve appearance. there is nothing sacred about a nose lump or a weak chin. it's so much more effective than bullshitting all day long how things that clearly matter and are observed within seconds do not matter.

Her child is EIGHT. And there is nothing wrong with her face. Jesus, you are vapid. I hope you’re not raising girls.

my husband and i, both phds, are raising girls. i didn't say that OP should bring up plastic surgery now - just to keep the option open in own her mind if it's something that could help her DD as opposed to being prejudiced and forcing her to love her big nose or whatever. surgery is far from a magic bullet and is certainly in not advisable in many cases but it has helped tremendous number of people.

there is way too much denial going on here. you can't talk your way into being beautiful.

Congratulations on wedging the completely irrelevant PhDs into your reply. Do you mention them to supermarket checkers and your garbagemen, too?

There's just no indication that ANYTHING IS WRONG with the kid's face. She's perfectly fine the way she is. Just because you evidently could not cope with your own features does not mean plastic surgery should be part of the "solution" to other people treating her as somehow lesser than her sister.

Unless you're interested in raising another Ivanka Trump, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What tragic advice. Plastic surgery? What kind of parent would propose that to a child?

somebody with a firmer grasp of reality than you seem to have. a properly indicated nose job can tremendously improve appearance. there is nothing sacred about a nose lump or a weak chin. it's so much more effective than bullshitting all day long how things that clearly matter and are observed within seconds do not matter.

Her child is EIGHT. And there is nothing wrong with her face. Jesus, you are vapid. I hope you’re not raising girls.

my husband and i, both phds, are raising girls. i didn't say that OP should bring up plastic surgery now - just to keep the option open in own her mind if it's something that could help her DD as opposed to being prejudiced and forcing her to love her big nose or whatever. surgery is far from a magic bullet and is certainly in not advisable in many cases but it has helped tremendous number of people.

there is way too much denial going on here. you can't talk your way into being beautiful.

Congratulations on wedging the completely irrelevant PhDs into your reply. Do you mention them to supermarket checkers and your garbagemen, too?

There's just no indication that ANYTHING IS WRONG with the kid's face. She's perfectly fine the way she is. Just because you evidently could not cope with your own features does not mean plastic surgery should be part of the "solution" to other people treating her as somehow lesser than her sister.

Unless you're interested in raising another Ivanka Trump, I guess.



you don’t know that “there is nothing wrong with her face”. in fact that won’t be completely clear for approximately 10 more years. which is why I said to her mom to keep that option open in her own mind when the time comes. my own features are fine and i personally wouldn’t have benefited from plastic surgery.

yes I had to throw in my PhD into the discussion to lower the odds of the thread derailing into claims that I was a thrash and duckface.

The bottom line is that we are not all equally beautiful and appearance is pretty important. not the most important thing in the world but one of the more important ones. you are doing your daughters no favor by pretending otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What tragic advice. Plastic surgery? What kind of parent would propose that to a child?

somebody with a firmer grasp of reality than you seem to have. a properly indicated nose job can tremendously improve appearance. there is nothing sacred about a nose lump or a weak chin. it's so much more effective than bullshitting all day long how things that clearly matter and are observed within seconds do not matter.

Her child is EIGHT. And there is nothing wrong with her face. Jesus, you are vapid. I hope you’re not raising girls.

my husband and i, both phds, are raising girls. i didn't say that OP should bring up plastic surgery now - just to keep the option open in own her mind if it's something that could help her DD as opposed to being prejudiced and forcing her to love her big nose or whatever. surgery is far from a magic bullet and is certainly in not advisable in many cases but it has helped tremendous number of people.

there is way too much denial going on here. you can't talk your way into being beautiful.

Congratulations on wedging the completely irrelevant PhDs into your reply. Do you mention them to supermarket checkers and your garbagemen, too?

There's just no indication that ANYTHING IS WRONG with the kid's face. She's perfectly fine the way she is. Just because you evidently could not cope with your own features does not mean plastic surgery should be part of the "solution" to other people treating her as somehow lesser than her sister.

Unless you're interested in raising another Ivanka Trump, I guess.

you don’t know that “there is nothing wrong with her face”. in fact that won’t be completely clear for approximately 10 more years. which is why I said to her mom to keep that option open in her own mind when the time comes. my own features are fine and i personally wouldn’t have benefited from plastic surgery.

yes I had to throw in my PhD into the discussion to lower the odds of the thread derailing into claims that I was a thrash and duckface.

The bottom line is that we are not all equally beautiful and appearance is pretty important. not the most important thing in the world but one of the more important ones. you are doing your daughters no favor by pretending otherwise.

I'm unsure what a "thrash" might be, and a PhD does not fix duckface. I also operate under the happy illusion that the vast majority of small kids are inherently beautiful.

But hell, you're right! OP should just bring on the scalpels and the Botox. It's never too early to start internalizing misogyny, after all! Self-hatred FTW! The lady with the doctorate says so.

[Anonymous]

Aw, this is sad. Make sure your less-complimented daughter understands the negative side of getting compliments for looks as opposed to talent or personality.

[Anonymous]

I think this is tough. If I were you, OP, I might sit the girls down and say that there is a problem... one of them is always getting stared at for the way she looks. And then say that it is really nice to be as lovely as they both are, but sometimes people get kind of fixated on the looks of someone and that can cause problems for everyone... if you let it. Then tell them they both need to find good ways to deal with this, because the way they look is really not what is most important (and then list some things you find delightful about each of them - maybe they can think of some, too).

Then, each of them has a job to do. Daughter who gets stared at has to make sure that she doesn’t let people control how she thinks about herself and has to keep remembering that how she looks is an outside thing while how she acts and thinks are what make her really herself.

And then tell her sister that she needs to find good ways to not obsess about other people’s opinions either, because it just lets weird people ruin your whole day when the comments or staring of strangers can control how happy she feels. She is perfectly wonderful looking but being sulky and sad about how people treat her sister is only going to make life less wonderful than it should be. So she needs to take her power of happy back for herself and ignore all those people who forget that people are much more than a face.

And then, OP, you need to check your girls with a very firm look if they start to get sucked into what others say about their looks. Don’t let your daughters feed into the drama of it and don’t let your less-stared-at daughter wallow in a victim complex about it. Show them that what people say does not matter by not allowing them to make it matter. Maybe you can have a funny word or code you and the girls invent for when it is happening, so that there can be a secret family joke uniting you all together about weird stares and comments.

Anyway, that’s what I’d try, but with the acknowledgement that you know those girls best and it is a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing you can do about other people. You can't control other people. Being all upset about something you can't control is a waste of energy and emotion. I lived through it. My younger sister is a stunning beauty. I am far from ugly duckling, but that didn't matter. What made the difference is that I was also confident in myself. I think a child that has proper emotional attachments growing up tends to grow up confident. And that is something you can do, as you are a parent and can practice secure attachment parenting. In the end that will benefit both your DDs much more than stupid comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird that’s people would stare at one of the children merely because of the body type. “Tall and slender with long hair” does not attract attention at age 8. A stunning face, yes.

I have a tall and slender tween boy with striking features. People comment, usually older ladies. Occasionally they go on an on and it's really embarrassing for DS.