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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have 8 year old mixed race (I say that for a reason that will become clear) twin girls. One of them is objectively very very strikingly beautiful with a tall lean frame and very long fine hair down to her bottom. The other one is very pretty too-also with very long fine hair in ringlets, tall and slim though she is more solidly built.

People’s reactions to them have always been the same whether they hold back on commenting or not. They are magnetically drawn to one - they stare and stare and even if they say “they’re so so beautiful”  or refrain from saying anything they stare at the one child. This happens with adults mainly of all colors-black, white, make, female.
I feel wretched about my other daughter who is very pretty  but is always on the shadow of her striking sister looks-wise and she knows it and feels bad about it. Always looking for reassurance and affirmation on her looks. Since they were very young I would notice her look at the commenters and turn to look at her sister because invariably the commenter’s eyes would be on her sister. 
The very worst are those who say outright about the one daughter-“she is so so beautiful!” right in front of her same age sister. Why? I cringe and pray that my other daughter has not heard but most of the time she has. The very worst culprits are Black people. Why why why do they do that? They go on and on and touch her hair as my other daughter stands and watches. Sometimes they catch themselves and comment on her too but it’s always an afterthought. It makes bile rise up in me.[b] Even though I have always told them and their siblings together and very consciously that they are all  lovely, she always reacts negatively and says “no I’m not”. [/b]She and her sister are the best of friends but I am noticing jealousy and mean remarks creeping in. I’m so sad because I want them to always be each other’s best friend as they are now.
Then there are the twits -one black friend recently said, in front of them, that she thinks of one as the “whiter” twin because she is lean with Caucasian features and the other as the “blacker” because, while slim, she is “thicker”? What does that even mean? They both have the exact same complexion and I don’t see one as having more Caucasian features than the other. Why are those thoughts even occurring to anyone? I was so surprised that my friend had thought this way all along and she seemed shocked that I did not see my daughters that way. I had a stern word with her because we are very close and asked her never to mention their looks in their hearing again. I was so exasperated!
Another friend -a white male and the only white person that has ever said anything -asked me why one was lean and the other “stockier”. But they were both right there!! And how, pray tell, would I know the answer to that question? 
My daughter, has started to say that browner skin and curly hair are ugly and she is ugly and that she hates herself. No amount of reassurance seems to hold because before long someone will open their big mouth and comment.
I am writing because today we went for an ice cream and were having a lovely tone.  As we were leaving,  met an Ethiopian lady from the Hair Cuttery my son goes to and I stopped and said hello. She suddenly pointed  at one daughter and exclaimed  “she’s so beautiful!” I saw the downcast look on my other daughter’s face and my heart sank. From having a lovely day out, my daughter was sad and silent all the way home.
Why do people do this? Is it because they are young and they think the children will not notice? I just don’t get how people can be so insensitive. My daughter has been saying she is sad all evening and that she hates herself but will not say why but I know and it breaks my heart. 
I don’t even know why I am writing. There’s nothing anyone can do. Why are people so focused on looks? Looks fade and it’s what inside that ultimately matters. They are both kind lovely girls and the one that attracts attention never seems to think of herself as better than. She never even mentions her looks. I just worry that these comments will eventually start getting to her head, about how this will affect her sister’s self esteem and their relationship  as they enter their teens when emotions are so volatile. I’m so sad right now for my beautiful little girl inside and out who may  forever think she is somehow inferior.

[/quote]

I would actually try to deemphasize appearance.  I have a multiracial AA daughter around the same age.  I basically never mention looks.  When I do, I say that it’s okay to want to look nice, but what’s inside and how you treat people matters a lot more.  I also don’t spend a lot of time on my own appearance (rarely wear makeup, etc.), and so I hope I’m setting that example that looks matter to some extent, but it’s not the most important thing.

As for handling ignorant comments, I might try to come up with some sort of comeback that emphasizes other qualities (you can have a few handy to deploy) about both girls.  It won’t solve it, but might help a little if it’s genuine praise from you about other traits.

“Yes, and what I really love is that she’s also a great reader.  And [the other twin] is awesome at math/soccer/ballet.  They both work really hard and I’m proud of them.”
“Yes, and my girls are big bookworms—can you tell Mrs. Smith what you’re reading right now?  
Etc.[/quote]

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