She’s so beautiful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds SO hard OP - I’m so sorry people can be really thoughtless sometimes. I second everyone else that I really recommend you tackle this head on. I know that probably sounds impossible and so hard, but I really think your daughter’s feelings need to be validated and she needs to know you see what’s happening too, that it’s not okay, that it’s normal for her to have feelings about it etc. I also think since it sounds like a lot of these comments like you said, are rooted in some very difficult societal assumptions - the focus on how pretty one twin is based on very stereotypical body standards etc and lthe focus on one twins whiter features as positive. I’ll avoid the ism words because I don’t want to risk trolls taking this off the rails, but those are things you can teach your daughters about. What are assumptions people make and where do they come from? Understanding how people are impacted by historical discrimination, power etc. yes this concepts are big for an 8 year old but in small bits and age appropriately think of how you could empower her to recognize the assumptions people are making, learn where they come from, and feel empowered to push against them. She should not have to be in that role, but the reality is that this is going to keep coming up. By teaching her, validating her, and helping her understand, you give her power. If they are old enough to be feeling the hurt of this happening around them, they are old enough to start learning about it. Avoiding will not heal.

I completely completely understand your approach until now, but I want to tell you kindly because you seem like a wonderful mother that I don’t think it’s enough. Your daughters are 8 and they both need help navigating these responses and they need you to take the lead. Take some time in the next week to think through how you might feel comfortable having these discussions and what would work best for your family - is it both of them together? Or it might be best to have conversations with both but separately. You could start with what you noticed and how it made you feel - “I noticed last week that woman at Hair cuttery made comments about how x looks. It made me feel really mad and sad, how did you feel?” You can ask questions about why she thinks that happens and then help her navigate some of the perceptions of the world others have from their experience and why you think it is happening. Unfortunately one conversation won’t be enough, it will have to be ongoing as these incidents happen. And after some time you might be able to have the twins work together on this - instead of it being something that divides them it’s something they feel empowered on together - that they are both more than their looks and the assumptions others make and they’re a team in making sure others know that!

I couldn't agree more. Just listening and affirming is so powerful for kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I just wanted to comment that this is very much a real phenomenon and I hate the comments on my daughter's looks (she has striking red hair) even without the comparison aspect. I do have another daughter, but their ages are far enough apart that they're not compared. I can completely imagine the heartbreak if they were.

I tend to agree with the posters suggesting that you figure out a message to convey to the people commenting that both indicates that their comments are way out of line and reinforces (to them and to both your daughters) that looks aren't everything.

[Anonymous]

Whenever people talk about physical things about my kids I immediately steer the conversation to non-physical attributes. For example, if they say "he's so tall", I'll say "he's a lot of fun and so sweet with his sister and today he was learning about space" or something like that. When your girls hear you focusing on the non-physical attributes, I think that will ring louder than what a stranger says. Although some of the comments you outlined are over-the-top, a stranger can only relate to your kids by physical attributes because they don't know them personally. So just steer the conversation to build them up with where they excel.

My mom was so sensitive to criticism or compliments on looks and her dialogue to me over-rode anything I heard elsewhere. It sounds like you're a caring, observant mom. I'm sorry that happens to your girls.