She’s so beautiful!

[Anonymous]

It does a great disservice to girls when people put their value on how beautiful they are. Inevitably looks fade, aging happens, and women who had put their worth on their beauty often go plastic surgery and botox crazy and become very insecure.
Your daughter who doesn't get the same comments as her twin will build more strength of character and end up finding her worth that's not tied into how she looks. It's hard now, but she'll be better for it in the end.
I'd be more concerned about the twin who gets a disproportionate amount of attention for her looks rather than internal qualities.

[Anonymous]

People are stupid.

One way to address this is to thank people and immediately say: I know, I won the lottery with my girls, they're both so kind/smart/beautiful.

The other is to teach your kid to value herself regardless of how the world views her. This is the most important thing to teach a woman. Beautiful or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are stupid.

One way to address this is to thank people and immediately say: I know, I won the lottery with my girls, they're both so kind/smart/beautiful.

The other is to teach your kid to value herself regardless of how the world views her. This is the most important thing to teach a woman. Beautiful or not.

I like this response because while it acknowledges that one dd beautiful it also acknowledges the other girls beauty ( and hopefully the person giving the compliment gets the point that they are two girls standing in front of him her ).

I also like the advice that you should acknowledge this issue head on with your girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does a great disservice to girls when people put their value on how beautiful they are. Inevitably looks fade, aging happens, and women who had put their worth on their beauty often go plastic surgery and botox crazy and become very insecure.
Your daughter who doesn't get the same comments as her twin will build more strength of character and end up finding her worth that's not tied into how she looks. It's hard now, but she'll be better for it in the end.
I'd be more concerned about the twin who gets a disproportionate amount of attention for her looks rather than internal qualities.

yeah, looks fade eventually but stunning people have like 3 decades to take advantage of them. and they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are stupid.

One way to address this is to thank people and immediately say: I know, I won the lottery with my girls, they're both so kind/smart/beautiful.

The other is to teach your kid to value herself regardless of how the world views her. This is the most important thing to teach a woman. Beautiful or not.

I like this response because while it acknowledges that one dd beautiful it also acknowledges the other girls beauty ( and hopefully the person giving the compliment gets the point that they are two girls standing in front of him her ).

I also like the advice that you should acknowledge this issue head on with your girls.

Right. I believe you, OP, because I've seen variations on this with some families I know. I think your best bet is to deflect the compliment in some way that reminds the speaker that you have two daughters AND ONE OF THEM IS RIGHT THERE, and they should be valued for things other than their looks.

Some other ideas …

Thank you; they are both wonderful girls.

Thank you; it's so much fun having twins.

Thank you; I'm so fortunate, they're pretty on the inside, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird that’s people would stare at one of the children merely because of the body type. “Tall and slender with long hair” does not attract attention at age 8. A stunning face, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird that’s people would stare at one of the children merely because of the body type. “Tall and slender with long hair” does not attract attention at age 8. A stunning face, yes.

+1. Strangers do not know how old your child is, so they have no way of even knowing if s/he is tall. Plus LOTS of little kids are slender as elementary schoolers.

My child is mixed race (Nordic/Asian), and has Asian-shaped eyes that are green and gets a ton of attention because those eyes are so unusual. My child is actually super-tall but this isn't noticed by strangers because they don't know the child's age.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have twins and one of them is more striking looking, although they are both beautiful. The more striking looking one is also the more slender, while the other is way more muscular. I haven't experienced the level of commentary you have, and your situation is different than mine in that my children are not biracial, but what we do is emphasize beauty in so many ways. We talk about how being strong is beautiful, about how being sweaty and gross after working out or playing outside is beautiful, about how having a beaming smile on your face is beautiful, about how being a kind friend/sister/daughter is beautiful, about how thinking about others is beautiful, etc., etc. Not that you don't do that already - but keep it up. Talk about all the ways in which people can be beautiful, inside and out. In the end, I imagine this will help your daughter have thick skin and be able to tune out the noise, but that's a hard thing for an eight-year old to grasp.

[Anonymous]

This sounds SO hard OP - I’m so sorry people can be really thoughtless sometimes. I second everyone else that I really recommend you tackle this head on. I know that probably sounds impossible and so hard, but I really think your daughter’s feelings need to be validated and she needs to know you see what’s happening too, that it’s not okay, that it’s normal for her to have feelings about it etc. I also think since it sounds like a lot of these comments like you said, are rooted in some very difficult societal assumptions - the focus on how pretty one twin is based on very stereotypical body standards etc and lthe focus on one twins whiter features as positive. I’ll avoid the ism words because I don’t want to risk trolls taking this off the rails, but those are things you can teach your daughters about. What are assumptions people make and where do they come from? Understanding how people are impacted by historical discrimination, power etc. yes this concepts are big for an 8 year old but in small bits and age appropriately think of how you could empower her to recognize the assumptions people are making, learn where they come from, and feel empowered to push against them. She should not have to be in that role, but the reality is that this is going to keep coming up. By teaching her, validating her, and helping her understand, you give her power. If they are old enough to be feeling the hurt of this happening around them, they are old enough to start learning about it. Avoiding will not heal.

I completely completely understand your approach until now, but I want to tell you kindly because you seem like a wonderful mother that I don’t think it’s enough. Your daughters are 8 and they both need help navigating these responses and they need you to take the lead. Take some time in the next week to think through how you might feel comfortable having these discussions and what would work best for your family - is it both of them together? Or it might be best to have conversations with both but separately. You could start with what you noticed and how it made you feel - “I noticed last week that woman at Hair cuttery made comments about how x looks. It made me feel really mad and sad, how did you feel?” You can ask questions about why she thinks that happens and then help her navigate some of the perceptions of the world others have from their experience and why you think it is happening. Unfortunately one conversation won’t be enough, it will have to be ongoing as these incidents happen. And after some time you might be able to have the twins work together on this - instead of it being something that divides them it’s something they feel empowered on together - that they are both more than their looks and the assumptions others make and they’re a team in making sure others know that!

[Anonymous]

OP- put this poem on your fridge or somewhere your daughters will be reminded of it regularly:

i want to apologize to all the women
i have called pretty.
before i've called them intelligent or brave.
i am sorry i made it sound as though
something as simple as what you're born with
is the most you have to be proud of
when your spirit has crushed mountains
from now on i will say things like, you are resilient
or, you are extraordinary.
not because i don't think you're pretty.
but because you are so much more than that

-rupi kaur

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird that’s people would stare at one of the children merely because of the body type. “Tall and slender with long hair” does not attract attention at age 8. A stunning face, yes.

OP here. It’s her face that’s strikingly beautiful. She is also tall and lean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird that’s people would stare at one of the children merely because of the body type. “Tall and slender with long hair” does not attract attention at age 8. A stunning face, yes.

OP here. It’s her face that’s strikingly beautiful. She is also tall and lean

why are you then focusing the body type, then? it's unlikely that that's what is driving the comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would address it head on with your daughters - both daughters- and point out the issues with commenters annoyingly and shallowly commenting about looks so much. Talk about your values, and that should not include appearances.

Also I would decide the message you want both daughters to hear and then say that every time someone comments to them. Such as, "thanks and I'm sure you mean well, but in our family we value ___ more than outer appearances."

I agree you have to say something directly to both of them (maybe separately to give Twin 2 an opportunity to cry, vent, etc without her sister). Just ignoring or papering it over won't help. If you don't counter the comments, they will assume you agree with them and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it weird that’s people would stare at one of the children merely because of the body type. “Tall and slender with long hair” does not attract attention at age 8. A stunning face, yes.

OP here. It’s her face that’s strikingly beautiful. She is also tall and lean

Honestly, OP - you sound like you are hyper-focused on their looks and it is rubbing off on them. Who describes their 8 yo as "all and lean"?

[Anonymous]

here is the thing - one of your daughters won the genetic lottery and the other didn't. they are now old enough to notice it, and it's only going to become more glaringly obvious. i mean, almost every boy your less beautiful daughter likes will prefer her sister. and you can't really do anything about that.

stop lying to your daughter that this doesn't matter. she won't believe you and you will only lose credibility. you need to make sure that

1) your less beautiful daughter needs to make the most of her appearance. teach her to dress and use make up. consider plastic surgery (e.g. a nose, or a chin) if it would make sense. make sure her teeth look good.
2) make sure your stunning daughter takes advantage of it. i know several extremely beautiful women who ended up singled and childless after having their pick of men for some 20 years.

i have a sister with a movie start looks that had men stop their cars and jump out to beg her for her numbers. i was cute but nowhere close to that level. it sucked, but we have a solid relationship. i wish my mother taught me or at least encouraged me to look my best as opposed to lying to me that looks didn't matter. i was in my thirties when i learned very basic tips on how to dress my body.