Being the spouse of an educator

[Anonymous]

DH is an educator and is very involved at his school. We have two small children and I am starting to resent the time he spends at work, after hours. We both work out of the house full time, but I feel the need to rush home and see my family after work. He coaches one team, works with another intramural team, and plays games with alumni. That’s three days per week that he’s at work for 14+ hours per day. There are also dances, Saturday detentions, fundraisers and other school things that come up. Then when he’s home, he’s emailing, taking parent calls, analyzing data, etc.

To be honest, and this is terrible to admit, I would mind less if he made more money. Then we could use the money for a house cleaner or other outsourced help to make life easier. But for $70K per year at a private in DC, I feel like his employer is taking advantage of him. (On top of this, he’s an administrator, so does not get summers off. He lets his PTO hours expire. I’m tired of this.)

Can spouses of educators chime in here with what you think are feasible, after-work extracurricular hours that your spouse volunteers for?

[Anonymous]

The thing is that you aren’t really volunteering. It’s unpaid labor that you are expected to do. Especially when you’re at a private and are on a yearly contract, they will replace you with someone else willing to do that unpaid labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is an educator and is very involved at his school. We have two small children and I am starting to resent the time he spends at work, after hours. We both work out of the house full time, but I feel the need to rush home and see my family after work. He coaches one team, works with another intramural team, and plays games with alumni. That’s three days per week that he’s at work for 14+ hours per day. There are also dances, Saturday detentions, fundraisers and other school things that come up. Then when he’s home, he’s emailing, taking parent calls, analyzing data, etc.

To be honest, and this is terrible to admit, I would mind less if he made more money. Then we could use the money for a house cleaner or other outsourced help to make life easier. But for $70K per year at a private in DC, I feel like his employer is taking advantage of him. (On top of this, he’s an administrator, so does not get summers off. He lets his PTO hours expire. I’m tired of this.)

Can spouses of educators chime in here with what you think are feasible, after-work extracurricular hours that your spouse volunteers for?

I think it is hard when your spouse is the administrator of a school. I know of a person who is principal in a public school in MD. Its not a whole lot of money (around $175K?), but there is very little time for home. If you have kids it becomes harder and if you have more than 1-2 kids, its exponentially difficult. Can you get an AuPair for some time? He needs to use his PTO - probably by taking a day off each week. I have a friend who takes Fridays off, just to maintain her PTO and prevent days from expiring.

[Anonymous]

Does some of this like Saturday detentions go away with seniority? I am surprised he has coaching, administrative, teaching, AND Saturday detentions. Is this typical for the other educators at his school? What I’m trying to figure out is did he have to take on these things and was he being compensated enough to make it worth it when he said yes. Like would he be making 50K if he just had one job of teaching and maybe said yes to all these other things to make 20K more and you guys didn’t discuss what this would mean with kids? Or maybe pre-kids it didn’t matter and he just hasn’t thought about adjusting. I have a friend who is an educator/administrator and she eventually left for a higher paying private school job because they were straight up taking advantage. Like she was supposed to get grants and run summer camps during the summer with no additional compensation on top of her salaried work for the summer. Yet anyone else they would have to gotten to do the same thing they were going to pay that person. It’s one of those things where they had to split out her job when she left because no one that knew better would take all that on for what she was making.

Anyway, I think it’s fair to have a conversation that with 2 small kids something has to give. That you have to budget so you can cut back on your hours (and pay) if you have to do the bulk of the childcare, he has to cut back what he does with the school (even if that meets a cut in pay), or you need some increase in salary enough to get some kind of help. I’m assuming you don’t live close enough for family to help out.

[Anonymous]

I’m an elementary school principal and work long hours. But none of that matters because my spouse and I have much older kids. When the kids were younger, I definitely came home by dinner.

You have to sit down and talk this through. His hours are not working for your family. Period. He has to give some activities up and set some boundaries around the time he will be home. You won’t get all the time you’d like to have because in a compromise you don’t get everything.

Good luck to you. The issue you’re describing is not a new one between couples and certainly not just about being married to educators.

[Anonymous]

Is he getting a stipend for coaching and Saturday School?

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't he teach public? He would make a lot more money and would have more rights.

[Anonymous]

To clarify is he an administrator, classroom teacher or in a hybrid position?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an elementary school principal and work long hours. But none of that matters because my spouse and I have much older kids. When the kids were younger, I definitely came home by dinner.

You have to sit down and talk this through. His hours are not working for your family. Period. He has to give some activities up and set some boundaries around the time he will be home. You won’t get all the time you’d like to have because in a compromise you don’t get everything.

Good luck to you. The issue you’re describing is not a new one between couples and certainly not just about being married to educators.

True. I was just having this conversation with my partner. You both need to have an open conversation about things that you want to do and what needs to be done. Do you feel like your husband is avoiding responsibilities at home or does he just love his job? Are people above him volatile and punishing if he doesn't do something? There are a lot of variables

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH is an admin, but it’s a small school so he occasionally subs if no one else is available. He started at the school as a teacher (at $60K/yr) and became an admin after a few years there. This means his hourly pay rate is less than when he was a FT teacher. He thinks, wrongly IMHO, that it’s “an honor” to have his position, but he’s been in this admin role for a few years with no raises and more duties than ever. Saturday detention isn’t every week; staff at the school rotate the duty.

I think he loves his job. I don’t love my job one bit, and have a much longer commute than he does, which breeds more resentment on my part because I feel like I am the primary breadwinner and default parent so that he can have his “passion” job plus spend hours playing sports with kids that aren’t his.

I’ve bugged him a few times about trying to find a more flexible position, or a better paid one, but he’s not motivated to do so.

You’re right that this can be true for all couples. It seems, though, that education is a particularly inflexible and poorly paid field that requires sacrifice on a family’s part. I guess the sacrifice is for some sort of greater good, but god I’m tired. And sad that he chooses his job over us.

[Anonymous]

Educators can also be “saviors” - acting like their extra unpaid hours are for the kids.

My DH works at a private in DC, and he is very careful about what he agrees to, even in exchange for a striped (which is usually paltry per hour of actual work involved). But we have had conversations about whose kids are really his - ours or his students - and where his loyalties should lie in the final analysi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Educators can also be “saviors” - acting like their extra unpaid hours are for the kids.

My DH works at a private in DC, and he is very careful about what he agrees to, even in exchange for a striped (which is usually paltry per hour of actual work involved). But we have had conversations about whose kids are really his - ours or his students - and where his loyalties should lie in the final analysi.

Yes, there are plenty of teachers who are not just saviors but also martyrs. I had a few years of being that way myself, but I snapped out of it once I had my own child. I had to decide if I was going to spend extra time volunteering (unpaid) for the sake of other people's children or spend that time with my own child and family. I already give plenty to the school (time and money), so I had to stop feeling guilty about not giving even more. Teachers are constantly made to feel guilty that they aren't doing enough for the kids, and that's how schools get away with having teachers do things like sponsor after school clubs unpaid. Plenty of people drink the Kool Aid, and once you're on the other side you realize how much administrators prey on your sense of guilt. The only way to stop the cycle is to stop the guilt. Your DH can't have it all and he needs to prioritize his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is an admin, but it’s a small school so he occasionally subs if no one else is available. He started at the school as a teacher (at $60K/yr) and became an admin after a few years there. This means his hourly pay rate is less than when he was a FT teacher. He thinks, wrongly IMHO, that it’s “an honor” to have his position, but he’s been in this admin role for a few years with no raises and more duties than ever. Saturday detention isn’t every week; staff at the school rotate the duty.

I think he loves his job. I don’t love my job one bit, and have a much longer commute than he does, which breeds more resentment on my part because I feel like I am the primary breadwinner and default parent so that he can have his “passion” job plus spend hours playing sports with kids that aren’t his.

I’ve bugged him a few times about trying to find a more flexible position, or a better paid one, but he’s not motivated to do so.

You’re right that this can be true for all couples. It seems, though, that education is a particularly inflexible and poorly paid field that requires sacrifice on a family’s part. I guess the sacrifice is for some sort of greater good, but god I’m tired. And sad that he chooses his job over us.

OP, stop conflating issues. You keep coming back to this problem being related to education. It’s really about your last paragraph. He’s putting his family second. You feel dismissed. You feel like second string. It doesn’t matter whether you love your job or have a 5 minute commute. He’s not available, and he’s continuing to disregard your requests. Again, it’s time for a serious sit down.

[Anonymous]

This is not an educator issue. This is a workaholic issue. It just so happens that his work benefits society, children, etc. That's wonderful but once he had children, his children should be the priority. If OP is the primary breadwinner, then he should be the default parent.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a public school teacher and expected to put in a lot of extra-curricular time.