Being the spouse of an educator

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a public school teacher and expected to put in a lot of extra-curricular time.

This is my husband too. After 18 years we just deal with it. At times our kids felt like the work kids come first. Dh had to pull back on the volunteer hours at that point. His own kids need him, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a public school teacher and expected to put in a lot of extra-curricular time.

This is my husband too. After 18 years we just deal with it. At times our kids felt like the work kids come first. Dh had to pull back on the volunteer hours at that point. His own kids need him, too.

As an educator, I think that this is part of the problem.

I grew up with a parent who worked long hours for the state department. I missed my dad, I wished he was home, but I didn't feel like he was "choosing trade agreements over me", or that "American economic security came first." I just thought "my dad is so important he has to work long hours." or "Dad's boss is so mean, he makes him work long hours."

But when a teacher or administrator is putting in long hours, and their kids miss them, they're also dealing with the fact that they're imagining their parent being with other kids. Telling your kid you can't walk them to the first day of Kindergarten, because you need to be greeting kids in your classroom, or not coming to your kid's soccer game because you're coaching other kids feels different to the kids. In addition, there is this societal message that teachers don't really have an important job, or that they don't really have a lot of work to do, that gives your kid the idea that you're choosing to leave them, as opposed to "having to leave them" for the job.

The reality is that what OP is describing is the job of an administrator. Being there for evening events, stepping in when there's a gap, reviewing data on your hours since your day is taken up with operations, that's the job. And in smaller private schools, coaching can be a part of the job too.

So, the way I see it, there's three issues here.

One is that OP's husband has a really demanding job, time wise, that only pays 70K, and she resents that. That's understandable, although not necessarily easily fixed. People here talk like jumping to public is the answer, but school systems often prefer new hires due to salary scales, and it might also involve extra grad school classes. Plus learning a new curriculum means that the first year in public would likely have even understandable hours.

The other issue is that OP's husband is in a field that doesn't get a lot of respect, so people assume that what he's doing isn't important, and he should just do it less. Strangely, I think that the same people would have a fit if they put in a call to their administrator and didn't get a call back; or if their kid's classroom didn't have a sub; or if their school cut a sport their kid loved; or if the kid bullying theirs didn't get a consequences because there was no one to do Saturday detention.

The third issue is that the kids feel hurt because having your dad be with other kids when you wish he was with you is hard.

[Anonymous]

Does his contract require him to be at certain events? I live in a small K-12 district in PA and our high school principals are required to attend a lot of evening activities (sporting events, plays, concerts, etc.). Our female asst principal actually transferred to the middle school when a position opened up bc she needed to be able to spend more time with her family. It’s really tough when the board places these demands on the administration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other issue is that OP's husband is in a field that doesn't get a lot of respect, so people assume that what he's doing isn't important, and he should just do it less. Strangely, I think that the same people would have a fit if they put in a call to their administrator and didn't get a call back; or if their kid's classroom didn't have a sub; or if their school cut a sport their kid loved; or if the kid bullying theirs didn't get a consequences because there was no one to do Saturday detention.

No, I would say no matter what the field, you wouldn’t expect the mom to take on all that with young children and de facto expect her partner to both work full time and be the default parent without a discussion. Definitely not if they couldn’t afford to outsource some of the extra burden on spouse. I’ve seen women either take a step back and go part-time or take a break for that reason (including educators) or go full speed ahead/lean in but with husband taking a step back or having substantial assistance like a nanny or au pair and/or family willing to help out.

[Anonymous]

I'm a teacher and I see this crap all the time. Sure I work at night grading sometimes, but for the most part I work from 7:30-3:15. If your working 10-12 hours a day you are doing something wrong. My kids pass the SOL and do fine. They don't need a savior. I think most teacher who work long hours have either 1. No life so they spend it with the kids or 2. Hate their lives at home and would rather spend it with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and I see this crap all the time. Sure I work at night grading sometimes, but for the most part I work from 7:30-3:15. If your working 10-12 hours a day you are doing something wrong. My kids pass the SOL and do fine. They don't need a savior. I think most teacher who work long hours have either 1. No life so they spend it with the kids or 2. Hate their lives at home and would rather spend it with the kids.

What do you teach?? Your post is rife with grammatical errors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and I see this crap all the time. Sure I work at night grading sometimes, but for the most part I work from 7:30-3:15. If your working 10-12 hours a day you are doing something wrong. My kids pass the SOL and do fine. They don't need a savior. I think most teacher who work long hours have either 1. No life so they spend it with the kids or 2. Hate their lives at home and would rather spend it with the kids.

What do you teach?? Your post is rife with grammatical errors.

Oh stop. I'm a Np and I'm an English teacher but when I post here I'm often doing it quickly on my phone and errors happen from time to time. It's not indicative of anything at all, nobody needs a copy editor to post on freaking DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and I see this crap all the time. Sure I work at night grading sometimes, but for the most part I work from 7:30-3:15. If your working 10-12 hours a day you are doing something wrong. My kids pass the SOL and do fine. They don't need a savior. I think most teacher who work long hours have either 1. No life so they spend it with the kids or 2. Hate their lives at home and would rather spend it with the kids.

He’s not a teacher though.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I am a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I am a teacher.

I get that, but saying "Oh, I get home at 4:00, so if he can't get home at 4:00 he's doing something wrong" doesn't make sense given that he doesn't have the same job as you do.

Administrators and coaches have a lot of evening responsibilities. It's the nature of the jobs. Their jobs are different from teachers.

This sense that if an administrator needs to chaperone a dance, or an evening event, they're "doing something wrong" is absurd. Those things are core functions of their job. You can argue that this guy should pick a different job, but to say that he should just stop doing things that are the backbone of his job isn't realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I am a teacher.

I get that, but saying "Oh, I get home at 4:00, so if he can't get home at 4:00 he's doing something wrong" doesn't make sense given that he doesn't have the same job as you do.

Administrators and coaches have a lot of evening responsibilities. It's the nature of the jobs. Their jobs are different from teachers.

This sense that if an administrator needs to chaperone a dance, or an evening event, they're "doing something wrong" is absurd. Those things are core functions of their job. You can argue that this guy should pick a different job, but to say that he should just stop doing things that are the backbone of his job isn't realistic.

Op says he makes 70 a year. I am a teacher and make 93. He is doing something wrong if that is all he makes. Leave private and go public. He would make tons more.

I think he just wants to escape from his family.

[Anonymous]

Is OP's husband a good teacher? If he is a good teacher, he can charge $125/hr and he does not work until after 3pm in the afternoon and before 8pm. He can work a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. Very good job with flexible hours.

I have three kids age 17, 16 and 10 and they are being tutored by a retired former TJ English teacher and he charges us $125/hr and I have to take my kids to his house. My kids go there twice a week for 90 minutes session. He is in such high demand that there is a waiting list to be his students. I have to sign a minimum one year contract and pay 60% of the cost upfront. He is a very good English teacher and he really makes my kids better since we're immigrants.

That's something worth looking into for OP's husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and I see this crap all the time. Sure I work at night grading sometimes, but for the most part I work from 7:30-3:15. If your working 10-12 hours a day you are doing something wrong. My kids pass the SOL and do fine. They don't need a savior. I think most teacher who work long hours have either 1. No life so they spend it with the kids or 2. Hate their lives at home and would rather spend it with the kids.

Or you put in what is required, not more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is OP's husband a good teacher? If he is a good teacher, he can charge $125/hr and he does not work until after 3pm in the afternoon and before 8pm. He can work a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. Very good job with flexible hours.

I have three kids age 17, 16 and 10 and they are being tutored by a retired former TJ English teacher and he charges us $125/hr and I have to take my kids to his house. My kids go there twice a week for 90 minutes session. He is in such high demand that there is a waiting list to be his students. I have to sign a minimum one year contract and pay 60% of the cost upfront. He is a very good English teacher and he really makes my kids better since we're immigrants.

That's something worth looking into for OP's husband.

Ok, wait. $125 hr is $187.50 for 90 minutes, times 3 kids is $562.50 per week. Assuming only during the school year and not when they are on spring or winter break, that's about 40 weeks a year, which is $22500 per year, of which you pay $13500 in advance. My mind is blown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is OP's husband a good teacher? If he is a good teacher, he can charge $125/hr and he does not work until after 3pm in the afternoon and before 8pm. He can work a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. Very good job with flexible hours.

I have three kids age 17, 16 and 10 and they are being tutored by a retired former TJ English teacher and he charges us $125/hr and I have to take my kids to his house. My kids go there twice a week for 90 minutes session. He is in such high demand that there is a waiting list to be his students. I have to sign a minimum one year contract and pay 60% of the cost upfront. He is a very good English teacher and he really makes my kids better since we're immigrants.

That's something worth looking into for OP's husband.

Ok, wait. $125 hr is $187.50 for 90 minutes, times 3 kids is $562.50 per week. Assuming only during the school year and not when they are on spring or winter break, that's about 40 weeks a year, which is $22500 per year, of which you pay $13500 in advance. My mind is blown.

Your math is a little bit off. My kids go there twice a week 90 minutes each time. Therefore, $125 x 1.5 hours x 2 times per week x 3 kids x 40 weeks = $45,000/yr. I have to pay the former TJ English teacher $27,000 upfront. Last year, we spent about $8,000 for my son SAT prep in the summer. My daughter will be doing SAT prep this year, same price. My son could have gone to Sidwell Friends, about 43k/yr, but we decided that he will do fine at Langley HS and use the money to supplement with tutoring. No one told me that having kids can be very expensive

Back to OP's question, tutoring can be a very lucrative business, especially if you're really good at it and produce good results. People will find you. There are tutors who graduated from Harvard and they charge $200/hr and they also have a students waiting list too.