Being the spouse of an educator

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is an admin, but it’s a small school so he occasionally subs if no one else is available. He started at the school as a teacher (at $60K/yr) and became an admin after a few years there. This means his hourly pay rate is less than when he was a FT teacher. He thinks, wrongly IMHO, that it’s “an honor” to have his position, but he’s been in this admin role for a few years with no raises and more duties than ever. Saturday detention isn’t every week; staff at the school rotate the duty.

I think he loves his job. I don’t love my job one bit, and have a much longer commute than he does, which breeds more resentment on my part because I feel like I am the primary breadwinner and default parent so that he can have his “passion” job plus spend hours playing sports with kids that aren’t his.

I’ve bugged him a few times about trying to find a more flexible position, or a better paid one, but he’s not motivated to do so.

You’re right that this can be true for all couples. It seems, though, that education is a particularly inflexible and poorly paid field that requires sacrifice on a family’s part. I guess the sacrifice is for some sort of greater good, but god I’m tired. And sad that he chooses his job over us.

OP, stop conflating issues. You keep coming back to this problem being related to education. It’s really about your last paragraph. He’s putting his family second. You feel dismissed. You feel like second string. It doesn’t matter whether you love your job or have a 5 minute commute. He’s not available, and he’s continuing to disregard your requests. Again, it’s time for a serious sit down.

I agree with OP. Your husband is an admin so the pressure is internal. It would be very reasonable to ask him to give up one day of activities and to put a time limit on responding to emails in the evenings. He should absolutely be using his PTO. If it's difficult for him to not go in he can take half days occasionally so that he can pick up the kids and be home for a relaxing evening. There should be some vacation time in the summer.
Every school has a few people like your husband who are tirelessly devoted to their "kiddos" often at the expense of their own personal life and families. I have found that these individuals are usually good teachers, but not the best, their lives lack balance. I don't see how it is worth it. It sounds like he is being taken advantage of. That is a low salary increase for a title change, especially with no salary increase. Can you afford to step back or find a new job? My husband works very long hours, including a weekend day. I was a teacher who stepped down to an assistant to have more time and energy at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is an admin, but it’s a small school so he occasionally subs if no one else is available. He started at the school as a teacher (at $60K/yr) and became an admin after a few years there. This means his hourly pay rate is less than when he was a FT teacher. He thinks, wrongly IMHO, that it’s “an honor” to have his position, but he’s been in this admin role for a few years with no raises and more duties than ever. Saturday detention isn’t every week; staff at the school rotate the duty.

I think he loves his job. I don’t love my job one bit, and have a much longer commute than he does, which breeds more resentment on my part because I feel like I am the primary breadwinner and default parent so that he can have his “passion” job plus spend hours playing sports with kids that aren’t his.

I’ve bugged him a few times about trying to find a more flexible position, or a better paid one, but he’s not motivated to do so.

You’re right that this can be true for all couples. It seems, though, that education is a particularly inflexible and poorly paid field that requires sacrifice on a family’s part. I guess the sacrifice is for some sort of greater good, but god I’m tired. And sad that he chooses his job over us.

OP, stop conflating issues. You keep coming back to this problem being related to education. It’s really about your last paragraph. He’s putting his family second. You feel dismissed. You feel like second string. It doesn’t matter whether you love your job or have a 5 minute commute. He’s not available, and he’s continuing to disregard your requests. Again, it’s time for a serious sit down.

I agree with OP. Your husband is an admin so the pressure is internal. It would be very reasonable to ask him to give up one day of activities and to put a time limit on responding to emails in the evenings. He should absolutely be using his PTO. If it's difficult for him to not go in he can take half days occasionally so that he can pick up the kids and be home for a relaxing evening. There should be some vacation time in the summer.
Every school has a few people like your husband who are tirelessly devoted to their "kiddos" often at the expense of their own personal life and families. I have found that these individuals are usually good teachers, but not the best, their lives lack balance. I don't see how it is worth it. It sounds like he is being taken advantage of. That is a low salary increase for a title change, especially with no salary increase. Can you afford to step back or find a new job? My husband works very long hours, including a weekend day. I was a teacher who stepped down to an assistant to have more time and energy at home.

*I mean that I agree with PP. Also, was your husband like this as a teacher as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, stop conflating issues. You keep coming back to this problem being related to education. It’s really about your last paragraph. He’s putting his family second. You feel dismissed. You feel like second string. It doesn’t matter whether you love your job or have a 5 minute commute. He’s not available, and he’s continuing to disregard your requests. Again, it’s time for a serious sit down.

+1

Remember, you can’t force him to change jobs, cut back hours, or ask for raise. However, he can’t force you to keep a job you hate with a long commute and be the default parent. Be upfront and say this isn’t working and it’s not fair. You can’t give your all to your job, like he does, because you have the bulk of childcare and long commute. You want to the opportunity to be equally as passionate about your job or at a minimum have more enjoyment. If he isn’t able to free up some of the pressure on you, then the other option is for you to look for something closer that you would still enjoy - but that pay cut. So let’s run the numbers and see the wiggle room. Also, when you start a new job, you will need him to be more hands on with the kids because you can’t necessarily take off time or leave early as you are settling in and learning the new job.

Also if you haven’t already, carve out time for yourself on the weekend - even if it’s Sunday mornings or afternoons. He is on deck with the kids and in the beginning make yourself scarce whether it’s the library, coffee, working out, errands whatever. Let him know ahead of time as in “do you want Sunday morning or afternoon as your time and I’ll get the other half.” So you ensure you both get free time.

[Anonymous]

70K a year to be a principal is not worth it. Most principals make at least 2x that amount.
Part of being in education, especially being in admin, means your evenings are often not your own. However the fact that he's doing all that coaching and not making a shit ton more money makes me wonder if he's actually coaching. Is it possible he's having an affair? The only way he's making that much money working that many hours is if he's at a parochial schools which are known for taking total advantage of people, even more so than public schools.
Tell your husband to a) prioritize your family and or b) get a job in a real school. He could make at least 120K working full time as a teacher doing all that additional coaching in any public school system.

[Anonymous]

Why in the world is not doing public school? I make 10 grand more than him at a public and I only a teacher. Administration is making double him at public schools

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like he is making bad decisions. As many people above posted, he would make significantly more money in public school. If he has a martyr complex, why private? That doesn't make sense.

I think this isn't just an educator problem. Maybe he doesn't enjoy time with you and is making up reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like he is making bad decisions. As many people above posted, he would make significantly more money in public school. If he has a martyr complex, why private? That doesn't make sense.

I think this isn't just an educator problem. Maybe he doesn't enjoy time with you and is making up reasons.

It’s an educator problem because it’s easier for people to convince themselves that the time they’re spending at work is meaningful and for the greater good. In my experience the people who act this way are doing it to avoid something in their home life but blame all of the time spent on work as doing it for the kids and the kids/school needing them. Kids needing them sounds more compelling and important than TPS reports needing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like he is making bad decisions. As many people above posted, he would make significantly more money in public school. If he has a martyr complex, why private? That doesn't make sense.

I think this isn't just an educator problem. Maybe he doesn't enjoy time with you and is making up reasons.

It’s an educator problem because it’s easier for people to convince themselves that the time they’re spending at work is meaningful and for the greater good. In my experience the people who act this way are doing it to avoid something in their home life but blame all of the time spent on work as doing it for the kids and the kids/school needing them. Kids needing them sounds more compelling and important than TPS reports needing them.

As a teacher, I agree it's an educator problem. Teachers are constantly being told that teaching is a "calling". Do accountants here that? Administrators, parents, and quite frankly even other teachers constantly make you feel like a crappy teacher if you're not willing to give up you're free time for the good of your students. The entire system is dependent on teachers being willing to work far beyond their contract hours. And the way they get teachers to do it is by guilt and indoctrination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like he is making bad decisions. As many people above posted, he would make significantly more money in public school. If he has a martyr complex, why private? That doesn't make sense.

I think this isn't just an educator problem. Maybe he doesn't enjoy time with you and is making up reasons.

It’s an educator problem because it’s easier for people to convince themselves that the time they’re spending at work is meaningful and for the greater good. In my experience the people who act this way are doing it to avoid something in their home life but blame all of the time spent on work as doing it for the kids and the kids/school needing them. Kids needing them sounds more compelling and important than TPS reports needing them.

As a teacher, I agree it's an educator problem. Teachers are constantly being told that teaching is a "calling". Do accountants here that? Administrators, parents, and quite frankly even other teachers constantly make you feel like a crappy teacher if you're not willing to give up you're free time for the good of your students. The entire system is dependent on teachers being willing to work far beyond their contract hours. And the way they get teachers to do it is by guilt and indoctrination.

Before anyone feels the need to call it out, I realize that the above has many typos.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a teacher, but I’m related to a bunch of them and what I mainly see is that they are ALWAYS on vacation. It’s a part time job. Even with all the “work at home” they all work significantly less than any other professional job. And the pay reflects that. Your husband should do less unpaid work for his school. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a teacher, but I’m related to a bunch of them and what I mainly see is that they are ALWAYS on vacation. It’s a part time job. Even with all the “work at home” they all work significantly less than any other professional job. And the pay reflects that. Your husband should do less unpaid work for his school. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a teacher, but I’m related to a bunch of them and what I mainly see is that they are ALWAYS on vacation. It’s a part time job. Even with all the “work at home” they all work significantly less than any other professional job. And the pay reflects that. Your husband should do less unpaid work for his school. Period. [/quote

This is actually a genuine question: Can you find out what districts they are in and what general subject or age range they teach and get back to us? I'm asking because I am quitting teaching at the end of this year because I cannot figure out how to work less than 60-70 hours per week anytime other than the summer. If I could find a district where it really was a part time job, I'd apply there and if offered, move to that area. Thanks for your help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why in the world is not doing public school? I make 10 grand more than him at a public and I only a teacher. Administration is making double him at public schools

Not the kind of admin position he's in. It's clear that he's not a principal or the AP of a school that would be large enough to have an AP in public, because those people aren't also coaching, or stepping in for a teacher when there's no sub. So, he's something like a dean, or a curriculum coordinator. The people with similar roles in public are paid teacher scale.

MCPS's maximum entry level step for a teacher with a master's degree is less than 70K. He might get a little more for being 11 months, but he'd also likely have to go back to school at night before transferring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:70K a year to be a principal is not worth it. Most principals make at least 2x that amount.
Part of being in education, especially being in admin, means your evenings are often not your own. However the fact that he's doing all that coaching and not making a shit ton more money makes me wonder if he's actually coaching. Is it possible he's having an affair? The only way he's making that much money working that many hours is if he's at a parochial schools which are known for taking total advantage of people, even more so than public schools.
Tell your husband to a) prioritize your family and or b) get a job in a real school. He could make at least 120K working full time as a teacher doing all that additional coaching in any public school system.

He's not a principal.

If he transferred to public, given that he's not a principal, the most he'd make, unless he has more than 1 advanced degree, is about $68K. There's no way that coaching 1 sport (he's not coaching 1 sport a season, just one sport in all), and 1 intramural, would pay him $52K. This isn't Friday Night Lights. Coaches make a few thousand a season.

And BTW, private schools are "real schools".

[Anonymous]

Yes, it’s reasonable to talk about boundaries and defending time for your family life. If it’s affecting your relationship negatively, it’s ok to be honest that you resent the way that your DH’s job encroaches on your free time.

On the flip side, I was a DC private teacher who did not put in the hours for clubs and sports. I felt like my curriculum and parent communications needed all my time, which was usually 11-13 hrs/day. My contract didn’t get renewed. It’s a difficult position to be in, and it doesn’t afford one much time to think about good solutions.