DC Urban Moms Farce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you managed to weave in swinging, guns, husbands who smoke pot, and the joys of natural childbirth, it would have been PERFECT!

Okay this was funny for a while but now I am really offended. Just because you don't smoke up in place of an epidural to pop out the baby you're having with your best friend's husband doesn't mean that most of us on this board don't do it. Don't like our lifestyle? Shoot me!

Don't you know that epidurals aren't a laughing matter? The male-dominated medical community is conspiring to rob women of their right to have a painful, awful birthing experience that we can brag about on the DCUM board for the rest of our lives.

OMGosh that is hilarious! lol How dare they take that away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a job in mind but don't know what to call this position? The ideal person would take care of my 3 mo. old twins and 3 year old, plus 3 other children under the age of 5 in a nanny share situation -- 7:30 a.m. to 7 pm. Unless we're late, which we are. Then it's later.

But several of these six infant/toddlers nap sometimes, and so I'm thinking that Nanny could make herself useful during naps by, it goes without saying, doing the children's laundry, switching out six sets of clothes and toys, and doing all the dishes related to the six of them. Plus me and my husband.

What I was also wondering is, do you ever have Nanny mow the lawn and edge the grass while the babies -- who are the most important job, I'll tell her -- sit in their high chairs with Cheerios? On days that the lawn is fine, I was also thinking of having her take all the kids with her in her iffy car to the grocery store, because that would help me a lot.

I've never actually taken my own babies with me to the grocery store myself, but I imagine it's pretty easy and so I was thinking of not paying Nanny to do this extra thing. Same for the lawn. And the oil change. And then I was thinking if she didn't want to do any of these things -- which is fine -- I could cut back her pay approx. $2 an hour (which would take it down to $13 an hour for six kids, some of whom WILL be napping).

Does this sound right? Am I missing anything?

You should definitely not make her lift a finger! After all, she has upteen degrees that help her handle the naps, feeding the children and changing diapers! How dare you think she do anything extra to earn her pay! What do you think she is... a housewife?!!

[Anonymous]

Daycare parents are never going to change. They are all ungrateful bitches who never pay on time and always pick up late. Don't they know that we in-home providers parent their children better than they ever could? After all, we raised our own two kids and that means we are vastly more qualified to care for children and know everything there is to know about parenting. Why don't they get it that we deserve to be treated like professionals/business people when it is convenient for us but that the rules of being a professional don't really apply to us whenever they are inconvenient because we care for their most precious gift? Daycare parents are just jealous of us. Jealous that their children would rather be at our houses watching Disney princess movies on a continuous loop than at home with them prepping for pre-school entry exams. Jealous that we can work in our pajamas. Why don't that respect us? Why, why, why? Well, we'll show them. We have all the power and control. It's in our contract.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. My name is Ashley and I am looking for a doctor for my family. I just need to be sure that I have a doctor that is aware of different cultures and growth charts and things. To give a little background:

DH was born and raised in Asia (and is actually Asian)
I am White (Euro Mutt) and American born.
DH and I met and married in Germany where our two children were eventually born.
We need to find a doctor that knows how to treat an intact penis (Please no comments for the Intactavists or the Circ'emallavists).
We also need someone who will not judge us on our cultural immersion that happened in Germany. DH, the kids, and I all love wearing brown shorts, brown sandals, and black socks. We also don't wish to be mocked for our black framed glasses and our bum bags (fanny packs).

Please advise.

Ash


*Side note not sure why it went on the wrong thread before*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daycare parents are never going to change. They are all ungrateful bitches who never pay on time and always pick up late. Don't they know that we in-home providers parent their children better than they ever could? After all, we raised our own two kids and that means we are vastly more qualified to care for children and know everything there is to know about parenting. Why don't they get it that we deserve to be treated like professionals/business people when it is convenient for us but that the rules of being a professional don't really apply to us whenever they are inconvenient because we care for their most precious gift? Daycare parents are just jealous of us. Jealous that their children would rather be at our houses watching Disney princess movies on a continuous loop than at home with them prepping for pre-school entry exams. Jealous that we can work in our pajamas. Why don't that respect us? Why, why, why? Well, we'll show them. We have all the power and control. It's in our contract.

Just a weee bit too bitter. Someone having a hard time making it to pickup on time?

[Anonymous]

I'm 75 and DH is 92. We've been petitioning for our health coverage (free, through the government) to pay for our IVF. They say we are too old. I say bullsh*t. Besides, if I don't carry the baby, one of the nannies could easily get pregnant by DH, if they have not already. Why shouldn't DC be carried by the nanny that will raise them, anyway? This is our 16th child (but no fear, we have 32 nannies - one each child for day shift and one each child for night shift). We wean from the bottle at age 13, so the nannies are perfectly justified. DH is the owner of a certain company that shows funny commercials ("what's in your purse?"), so I think we should be able to do WTF we please with your 32% a month interest. Why shouldn't you, you, and you be expected to pay? This is America, isn't it? Bumbling underlings, you are. I spit on you.

[Anonymous]

I plunked myself down on the couch with a bag of licorice, Dairy Queen, and sushi (sprinkled with crumbled blue cheese) and watched Jersey Shore. Now, I'm afraid I've damaged my baby in utero. Did I?

I'm such a horrible parent. Please tell me I'm just like every other person.

Oh by the way, I'm selecting the name for my child based only on what DCUM strangers think so please give me your kids' names so I can use them.

[Anonymous]

Schyuler Skylar Lobotomy Wentworth (the first two are treasured surnames from my side of the family, the last two, my husband's).

[Anonymous]

Please ignore this thread if I'm so f*in annoying. Oh wait, I am.

Okay, so what about monogramming for this name? My family originated monogramming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a weee bit too bitter. Someone having a hard time making it to pickup on time?

Farce: n. (1) a play marked by broadly satirical comedy and improbable plot, (2) the broad humor characteristic of farce or pretense, (3) a ridiculous action, display or pretense

Satire: n. biting wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose vice or folly

(Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

[Anonymous]

I thought we were only citing Wikipedia here? F*ck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm 75 and DH is 92. We've been petitioning for our health coverage (free, through the government) to pay for our IVF. They say we are too old. I say bullsh*t. Besides, if I don't carry the baby, one of the nannies could easily get pregnant by DH, if they have not already. Why shouldn't DC be carried by the nanny that will raise them, anyway? This is our 16th child (but no fear, we have 32 nannies - one each child for day shift and one each child for night shift). We wean from the bottle at age 13, so the nannies are perfectly justified. DH is the owner of a certain company that shows funny commercials ("what's in your purse?"), so I think we should be able to do WTF we please with your 32% a month interest. Why shouldn't you, you, and you be expected to pay? This is America, isn't it? Bumbling underlings, you are. I spit on you.

h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Please ignore this thread if I'm so f*in annoying. Oh wait, I am.

Okay, so what about monogramming for this name? My family originated monogramming.

It can be done-for a price.

[Anonymous]

I'm sooo confused! Should I be trying to get my kid into Sidwell, or Beauvoir? Lots of people here mock the anxiety about getting into Beauvoir, but I'm starting to suspect that's just Sidwell parents mocking the admissions process, and they don't want to mock their own school.

[Anonymous]

I'm a really, really, really, educated nanny. 16 online degrees in all. The lady of the house keeps asking me to do my job. She only pays me $25. an hour. What does she expect, babysitting?

Good lord, what will she ask for next? I'm just so jealous of her. What I really want is to steal her husband and live her life. But her husband thinks I'm trailer trash. He told me so. He told me not to look at him, apparently he is afraid of catching an STD. Gosh, can you really catch an STD from someone looking at you?

I wear really skimpy outfits. I don't know why my employers hurl when they see it. I mean really, violently vomit while saying something like "act professional......more clothes....please....BARF!" Gosh, they are so annoying.

Do you think it's my nipple rings?