Dealing with friends who are overwhelmed and/or inconsiderate?

[Anonymous]

I’ll start this by saying that deep down this is not a complaint about borrowing or material things, but rather a question about socializing with other parents and families who have children. This is a specific situation but surely others have had similar feelings and can talk me down. My family has a lot going on, but DH and I are both people who work hard to overcome our inclination towards disorganization now that we’re responsible for setting an example for our kids. We’re very organized and keep our things and house tidy, and we’re so relieved to be able to afford fun activities. We enjoy the company of old friends and their little kids, but are increasingly baffled by behavior that is maybe a product of being overwhelmed and disprganized but is feeling downright rude.

Our friends will frequently show up to a pre-planned activity that requires certain items (a warm jacket for a fall hike, mittens for a ski trip, towels for the beach) without bringing the aforementioned critical clothing/items for their children. We usually have an extra of something and will loan it out rather than bring an all-day activity for 6-8 people to a screeching halt for lack of proper gear. Here’s the weird thing: I’ll say “please just wash it and bring it back next time we see you” and they’ll agree to the plan. Easy, no big deal, right? But multiple times we’ve done a repeat of a similar activity a week or two later, and the borrowers will show up wearing or actively using the items as if they’re their own! In other words, I’ll loan out a pair of very distinct ski mittens with my kid’s name on them in Sharpie to my friend’s son who forgot his, and when we see his brother at ski school the next week, he’ll be wearing them. Or I’ll see a beach towel that we loaned out pop up on Instagram during my friend’s beach vacation. And more! They were the kind of people who often forgot diapers or formula when we all had babies and would meet up for outings, which is making me question the innocence of all this “borrowing”.

I can’t figure out if my friends are disorganize and so overwhelmed that they genuinely have no idea what’s going on, or if I’m saying the wrong thing when these situations come up. For the record, the family I’ve lent stuff to is much financially better off than we are, which makes me feel less like a generous superhero who saves the day and more like a chump. But I also feel so strange and grabby trying to chase down stuff. Are people just overwhelmed and I’m being a jerk? I honestly can’t imagine not realizing if something in my house didn’t belong to me, but maybe someone could chime in and tell me that I’m too strict and this is typical. I genuinely want to feel less annoyed and move on but am stuck on this. New friends are harder to come by than stuff, but at some point I’m going to run out of supplies!

[Anonymous]

Honestly this sounds kind of like my SIL. I can’t say that I’ve known her to do this exact thing, and certainly not with the diapers, but I could see her doing the towel or glove thing. I don’t think she intentionally rude, or even flaky, I think some things just don’t register for her. She also sees stuff as not a big deal, so if she had an extra towel she’d lend it out and not be concerned if it never came back. I don’t know if she’d even notice. It’s funny, she’s an engineer and extremely detail oriented about some things, but other stuff just... doesn’t register.

Drives me crazy though.

[Anonymous]

I would honestly stop providing the extras.

It sounds like this happens with one family? Next time they forget, let natural consequences take care of it. If they need to cancel the outing after they get there, then that’s that. Not your problem. If it happens again, then stop making complicated plans with this family. Only meet up at restaurants or places where no preparation is needed. If they “forget” their wallet, then you know you’re being taken advantage of...

Somehow, they manage to remember the towels when they vacation alone....

[Anonymous]

You’re right, I do need to just stop helping and/or socializing in this context. Ugh. It’s really difficult and awkward to drive 2 hours to go ski, meet up with people who drove up separately, and have them saying “oops, we don’t have gloves” and not let them borrow the extra pair (which I keep for the afternoon once my son soaks his mittens in the morning) that they can literally see in the trunk. Once at the pumpkin patch I tried to not get involved with helping while the couple argued with each other about who packed what, told their kids they’d have to go home, kids were crying, etc. I finally dig up an old sweatshirt because the alternative seemed heartless.

And to the PP who mentioned her SIL, you just reminded me that mine does this, too. She’s less of a mystery: her excuse is that since she’s a doctor and helps other people, everyone else should help her. She’s so transparent about her rudeness that it doesn’t bug me in the same way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re right, I do need to just stop helping and/or socializing in this context. Ugh. It’s really difficult and awkward to drive 2 hours to go ski, meet up with people who drove up separately, and have them saying “oops, we don’t have gloves” and not let them borrow the extra pair (which I keep for the afternoon once my son soaks his mittens in the morning) that they can literally see in the trunk. Once at the pumpkin patch I tried to not get involved with helping while the couple argued with each other about who packed what, told their kids they’d have to go home, kids were crying, etc. I finally dig up an old sweatshirt because the alternative seemed heartless.

And to the PP who mentioned her SIL, you just reminded me that mine does this, too. She’s less of a mystery: her excuse is that since she’s a doctor and helps other people, everyone else should help her. She’s so transparent about her rudeness that it doesn’t bug me in the same way!

It sounds like when they get stressed, you get very uncomfortable and immediately try to step in and fix it.

You need to stop.

When they’re yelling at the pumpkin patch your family needs to step away and let them handle it. Most places sell branded sweatshirts. Same for skii resorts. If they get up there with no gloves let them figure it out. They can buy anything they need at the resort. The markup is enormous, but again, not your problem. If you can’t handle stepping back, take a break from hanging out with them.

Oh yeah, it’s winter, ask for your kids gloves back!

[Anonymous]

I do need to step back. Thank you for the advice.

My problem solving skills aren’t as weak as they sound. I’m on the west coast in an area where our closest pumpkin patch and ski are both kind of mom-and-pop and don’t have gift shops, or else I’d have hustled everyone to on! But I promise I don’t step in immediately. Ultimately the kids are 2-6 so a tiny bit young to pack their own stuff or tough it out.

I held back on explaining the rest of the mitten thing because I didn’t want to sound petty. After we saw them in use, I asked if they could bring them by when they had a chance and the mom said she had already left them at our place. So I guess could have said “no you didn’t we saw them on Larlo” but I let it go. Not quite ready for Mittengate to take down our friendship.

[Anonymous]

Stop loaning or get it back before you leave. Not everyone is as perfect as you.

[Anonymous]

I too would have a hard time with extra gloves and saying no. If the family is saying they would drive home rather than buy new gloves which they totally sell on the mountain, loan it out but get it back. “ don’t worry about washing those. I will throw it in with our run” that way no one needs to remember where they came from or return them to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do need to step back. Thank you for the advice.

My problem solving skills aren’t as weak as they sound. I’m on the west coast in an area where our closest pumpkin patch and ski are both kind of mom-and-pop and don’t have gift shops, or else I’d have hustled everyone to on! But I promise I don’t step in immediately. Ultimately the kids are 2-6 so a tiny bit young to pack their own stuff or tough it out.

I held back on explaining the rest of the mitten thing because I didn’t want to sound petty. After we saw them in use, I asked if they could bring them by when they had a chance and the mom said she had already left them at our place. So I guess could have said “no you didn’t we saw them on Larlo” but I let it go. Not quite ready for Mittengate to take down our friendship.

Well that’s just nutty. They sound like bad people. I’d do one of two things. 1) never lend them anything again despite the circumstances (bc clearly they are relying on your goodwill to take advantage of you); 2) call them out specifically on the loaned items they have never returned. That’s seriously ridiculous for them to say they returned them when their kids are *actively* wearing them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don't own ski gloves/mittens, maybe they're not as organized as you and are overwhelmed with life (my money is on this - so hard to get out of the house with everything if you are not an organized person!).

If you're at a ski place and someone forgot gloves, go to Lost and Found and borrow a pair - they have zillions.

To get upset over this (or diapers or whatever you are freely lending because - lucky you that organization IS one of your skills - is really silly. When ski season's over ask for the gloves back.

I'm not clear why you get stressed over people borrowing your things when you lent them out in the first place.

[Anonymous]

I honestly have never had any experience with this. It sounds truly bizarre. Plenty of my friends are disorganized and tired, but they don’t steal my stuff.

[Anonymous]

Just take the items home with you and wash them yourself. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would honestly stop providing the extras.

It sounds like this happens with one family? Next time they forget, let natural consequences take care of it. If they need to cancel the outing after they get there, then that’s that. Not your problem. If it happens again, then stop making complicated plans with this family. Only meet up at restaurants or places where no preparation is needed. If they “forget” their wallet, then you know you’re being taken advantage of...

Somehow, they manage to remember the towels when they vacation alone....

This. Don’t loan to them again. Next time they forget their towel, or gloves, or anything else you loaned them, just say “I’d give you our extra, but you still have it from last time.” This would annoy me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have never had any experience with this. It sounds truly bizarre. Plenty of my friends are disorganized and tired, but they don’t steal my stuff.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds kind of like my SIL. I can’t say that I’ve known her to do this exact thing, and certainly not with the diapers, but I could see her doing the towel or glove thing. I don’t think she intentionally rude, or even flaky, I think some things just don’t register for her. She also sees stuff as not a big deal, so if she had an extra towel she’d lend it out and not be concerned if it never came back. I don’t know if she’d even notice. It’s funny, she’s an engineer and extremely detail oriented about some things, but other stuff just... doesn’t register.

Drives me crazy though.

I think there is the most truth here. And it definitely comes from a place of privilege. They have so much stuff and the means to replace stuff (borrow from friends who seem to always have extras or buy brand new things to replace forgotten stuff) that it literally doesn’t occur to them that other people keep track of their stuff. Always having more than you need means you’ve set yourself up to also be seen as people with all the stuff. Stop doing this.