Dealing with friends who are overwhelmed and/or inconsiderate?

[Anonymous]

Always ask for it back before you leave!

I am a black hole kind of friend. I have ADD and am so disorganized and scatterbrained. I always have extra stuff though, like twice as many coats and mittens and towels than kids, because I forget what I packed and always lose things and don’t want to risk not having anough towelsnor giggles or whatever. Which is why my house is a mess because we have too much stuff!

But if someone leaves something in my house that they want back, sorry. It gets swallowed up. People brought food when our third was born and someone brought a glass Pyrex baking dish. It took me like 6 months to return that sucker. I would wash it and leave it out and my husband, thinking it was ours, would put it away. And then I need to bake brownies for the bake sale and it’s just right there so I might as well use it and then that’s another week. Then I moved it to the car to return at school drop off, but I’m always late and the other mom would be gone on the one day I would remember to bring it inside. I just cannot get it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I could totally be this person. Although I'd never be posting pictures using it on vacation! I can keep track of what we have borrowed but I'm terrible about like, remembering at the time when doing something about it is possible, if that makes sense. Like a great example, I have a friend's cooler right now because we had to transport dry ice for an event we were running together and I took the cooler home to clean it out. I know its hers, I haven't been using it, and I am constantly trying to remember to bring it with me but I just keep forgetting. I will be seeing her at dinner and I will be mentally reminding myself all day but then will forget when I'm walking out the door.

I would echo what PPs said, never let them leave the event with the the thing. Everyone is way happier in this scenario.

Then why did you take the cooler home? And why are you mentally reminding yourself and making mental lists (next post)? That clearly isn't working for you. Set a phone alert/reminder!

Most of the time I avoid this type of behavior! This one time I let myself bring the cooler home and viola it was the bad decision. Mostly because I wanted what was in the cooler at the time. But it has been another reminder that I just shouldn't do this. Every once in awhile something like this happens where I am reminded.

I actually do set a lot of reminders with Alexa but this one has for some reason escaped the tools I try to set up to combat this. Like right now I am thinking about it but my husband is on a coference call right there so I'm thinking, 'I will set an alarm right now, but oh DH is on the phone so I can't do it right now I'll do it when his call ends.' But then I will have forgotten by then and the next time I remember it will be something else.

I'm not really making excuses just explaining how it happens. I know it is not my best quality. Like other PP I try to make up for it by just being extremely generous whenever I am asked for anything at all. For example the reason we had the coolers is because we were getting dry ice for a kids party which I bought and acquired myself along with a bunch of other stuff and put together a whole table for the kids to interact with it and stuff.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why they would need to take items home. You should take towel after beach, mittens after ski, etc.

I am a horrible returner. I don’t think I’m terribly disorganized or inconsiderate.

I have run out of a diaper. I have gone to the beach without towels. (Am used to getting towel service) my children have lost mittens, forgot face mask at home. Sometimes a friend may lend or give or more often, we BUY item that is usually sold right there for convenience.

So I have a friend who is horribly unpunctual but super prepared for anything and everything. I’m always punctual but always take the minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound petty, sorry. Are you planning this stuff and inviting people? It sounds like you are. If so, some of this is a bit of hosting. The rest of it, I could care less is omelne takes my old towel. I always bring extra stuff b/c that’s my deal, another friend pays more often, and others are fun and we like having them, my kids are easier, etc. Overall, it all evens out. I don’t think you feel that way at all - you sound like a principal. Wby don’t you send some reminder texts or something? Really, you’re already halfway there so go whole hog.

Newsflash, defensive moocher: asking your friends if they want to meet up to go skiing does NOT mean you then need to outfit them in ski gear for the occasion. FFS.

Yeah, no. I clearly stated that I always bring extra stuff. Learn to slow down and read. But if I was going to get as worked up and bent out of shape as easily as you and OP do, I would A. stop inviting people to casually do stuff I did not trust to have all their items ready themselves, or B. do stuff alone because I am a raging control freak. If you really go around ruminating about your extra mittens for years, you just aren't the lets all go skiing type unless you have pre-vetted the situation. Know who you are and work with that. Not everyone is like you, with a super clean house and it all organized, and seriously, thank goodness because you sound like a massive PITA.

NP, but you started this by calling the OP petty, then doubled-down by calling PP a massive PITA. I am not in the business of buying friends with bar tabs and beach towels. I've worked hard for the money I have, and when I decide to spend some of it I do so deliberately. I buy what I need and keep track of those things. It's called being responsible. I'll gladly throw my credit card down to split dinner without a second thought of who ate what, but I'm not buying everyone's drinks at a bar if I've long stopped drinking myself because you think that pays for the fact I went home with your beach towel once (which, BTW, I would never do). This is not friendship. If you (or others in this thread who take peoples' things and then don't give them back) are so rich that you have total disregard for the fact that these things you take cost your friends money, then count your blessings...and trudge over to the ski shop to pay for your foolishness in the form of mittens at a ridiculous mark up just so your kid can go ski.

Now watch, you're probably going to call ME cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend in college like this. I remember we traveled together in Europe for a summer and at some point we separated for a week to see friends in different countries. I lent him a big beach towel that I happened to like. He "got rid of it" at some point because he didn't have enough space in his bag. To this day, 15 years later, I'm shocked someone could just throw out something they borrowed. He also frequently forgot his wallet at home when it was time to pay for drinks, and would offer to pay "next time," but never did. We got along really well but eventually stopped hanging out because of this entitled attitude that caused him to not be bothered by such insignificant thinks as other people's things and money... OP, you need to decide what you want and adjust your behavior accordingly. These people aren't going to change.

x10000

Nailed it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If they are well off and busy, then I think they don't place as much value on who owns what. It's rude and not socially acceptable, but it's how people with more money than time may start to operate...

Honestly, I wouldn't have the time to stay friends with such people, unless they have other really kind and generous traits going for them!!!

How about let's stop making excuses for moochers? Really, someone is counting someone else's money her, and that is BS. OP, stop being so generous. You can "forget" to offer it to them.

[Anonymous]

Learn the lesson: people who borrow your things and fail to return them do not deserve to borrow anything ever again.

Borrowing something without returning it is a form of stealing. Yes, stealing.

I've dealt with one or two friends like this, and I shut it down after the first or second item wasn't returned. They weren't getting anything else from me after that. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they don't own ski gloves/mittens, maybe they're not as organized as you and are overwhelmed with life (my money is on this - so hard to get out of the house with everything if you are not an organized person!).

If you're at a ski place and someone forgot gloves, go to Lost and Found and borrow a pair - they have zillions.

To get upset over this (or diapers or whatever you are freely lending because - lucky you that organization IS one of your skills - is really silly. When ski season's over ask for the gloves back.

I'm not clear why you get stressed over people borrowing your things when you lent them out in the first place.

Um, they didn't borrow them, they stole them. OP was fine with them borrowing, which implies returning. But they didn't return. I'm not clear why you can't understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound petty, sorry. Are you planning this stuff and inviting people? It sounds like you are. If so, some of this is a bit of hosting. The rest of it, I could care less is omelne takes my old towel. I always bring extra stuff b/c that’s my deal, another friend pays more often, and others are fun and we like having them, my kids are easier, etc. Overall, it all evens out. I don’t think you feel that way at all - you sound like a principal. Wby don’t you send some reminder texts or something? Really, you’re already halfway there so go whole hog.

Newsflash, defensive moocher: asking your friends if they want to meet up to go skiing does NOT mean you then need to outfit them in ski gear for the occasion. FFS.

Yeah, no. I clearly stated that I always bring extra stuff. Learn to slow down and read. But if I was going to get as worked up and bent out of shape as easily as you and OP do, I would A. stop inviting people to casually do stuff I did not trust to have all their items ready themselves, or B. do stuff alone because I am a raging control freak. If you really go around ruminating about your extra mittens for years, you just aren't the lets all go skiing type unless you have pre-vetted the situation. Know who you are and work with that. Not everyone is like you, with a super clean house and it all organized, and seriously, thank goodness because you sound like a massive PITA.

NP, but you started this by calling the OP petty, then doubled-down by calling PP a massive PITA. I am not in the business of buying friends with bar tabs and beach towels. I've worked hard for the money I have, and when I decide to spend some of it I do so deliberately. I buy what I need and keep track of those things. It's called being responsible. I'll gladly throw my credit card down to split dinner without a second thought of who ate what, but I'm not buying everyone's drinks at a bar if I've long stopped drinking myself because you think that pays for the fact I went home with your beach towel once (which, BTW, I would never do). This is not friendship. If you (or others in this thread who take peoples' things and then don't give them back) are so rich that you have total disregard for the fact that these things you take cost your friends money, then count your blessings...and trudge over to the ski shop to pay for your foolishness in the form of mittens at a ridiculous mark up just so your kid can go ski.

Now watch, you're probably going to call ME cheap.

I am not PP. I don't think PP is being nice about it but I don't think they are necessarily saying who you are is bad, just to know who you are and act accordingly. If you're the kind of person that is going to be really stressed out and anxious if you invite another family to go skiing and they forget their mittens then you should probably just go skiing just with your family or with a family you know won't do this. It is about setting yourself up for success and no bad feelings.

I am a scatterbrained person and I feel stressed out when I vacation with or do an activity with someone who is a level 10 organized person and who gets anxious if I lose something or can't find something. It just isn't a good match. My dad is super super organized and whenever I slip up on something he will say something like, 'typical larla, are you ever going to get organized??' and the answer is kind of, of course not. I am not a successful adult with kids and I run my house and meet my obligations just fine, I'm probably never going to make it those extra 20 yards to a perfectly organized house and a never forgotten wallet. But that is fine, I just need to make sure I don't do things with people who find that stressful or who will exacerbate that stress in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound petty, sorry. Are you planning this stuff and inviting people? It sounds like you are. If so, some of this is a bit of hosting. The rest of it, I could care less is omelne takes my old towel. I always bring extra stuff b/c that’s my deal, another friend pays more often, and others are fun and we like having them, my kids are easier, etc. Overall, it all evens out. I don’t think you feel that way at all - you sound like a principal. Wby don’t you send some reminder texts or something? Really, you’re already halfway there so go whole hog.

Newsflash, defensive moocher: asking your friends if they want to meet up to go skiing does NOT mean you then need to outfit them in ski gear for the occasion. FFS.

Yeah, no. I clearly stated that I always bring extra stuff. Learn to slow down and read. But if I was going to get as worked up and bent out of shape as easily as you and OP do, I would A. stop inviting people to casually do stuff I did not trust to have all their items ready themselves, or B. do stuff alone because I am a raging control freak. If you really go around ruminating about your extra mittens for years, you just aren't the lets all go skiing type unless you have pre-vetted the situation. Know who you are and work with that. Not everyone is like you, with a super clean house and it all organized, and seriously, thank goodness because you sound like a massive PITA.

NP, but you started this by calling the OP petty, then doubled-down by calling PP a massive PITA. I am not in the business of buying friends with bar tabs and beach towels. I've worked hard for the money I have, and when I decide to spend some of it I do so deliberately. I buy what I need and keep track of those things. It's called being responsible. I'll gladly throw my credit card down to split dinner without a second thought of who ate what, but I'm not buying everyone's drinks at a bar if I've long stopped drinking myself because you think that pays for the fact I went home with your beach towel once (which, BTW, I would never do). This is not friendship. If you (or others in this thread who take peoples' things and then don't give them back) are so rich that you have total disregard for the fact that these things you take cost your friends money, then count your blessings...and trudge over to the ski shop to pay for your foolishness in the form of mittens at a ridiculous mark up just so your kid can go ski.

Now watch, you're probably going to call ME cheap.

I am not PP. I don't think PP is being nice about it but I don't think they are necessarily saying who you are is bad, just to know who you are and act accordingly. If you're the kind of person that is going to be really stressed out and anxious if you invite another family to go skiing and they forget their mittens then you should probably just go skiing just with your family or with a family you know won't do this. It is about setting yourself up for success and no bad feelings.

I am a scatterbrained person and I feel stressed out when I vacation with or do an activity with someone who is a level 10 organized person and who gets anxious if I lose something or can't find something. It just isn't a good match. My dad is super super organized and whenever I slip up on something he will say something like, 'typical larla, are you ever going to get organized??' and the answer is kind of, of course not. I am not a successful adult with kids and I run my house and meet my obligations just fine, I'm probably never going to make it those extra 20 yards to a perfectly organized house and a never forgotten wallet. But that is fine, I just need to make sure I don't do things with people who find that stressful or who will exacerbate that stress in me.

EXACTLY to all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound petty, sorry. Are you planning this stuff and inviting people? It sounds like you are. If so, some of this is a bit of hosting. The rest of it, I could care less is omelne takes my old towel. I always bring extra stuff b/c that’s my deal, another friend pays more often, and others are fun and we like having them, my kids are easier, etc. Overall, it all evens out. I don’t think you feel that way at all - you sound like a principal. Wby don’t you send some reminder texts or something? Really, you’re already halfway there so go whole hog.

Newsflash, defensive moocher: asking your friends if they want to meet up to go skiing does NOT mean you then need to outfit them in ski gear for the occasion. FFS.

Yeah, no. I clearly stated that I always bring extra stuff. Learn to slow down and read. But if I was going to get as worked up and bent out of shape as easily as you and OP do, I would A. stop inviting people to casually do stuff I did not trust to have all their items ready themselves, or B. do stuff alone because I am a raging control freak. If you really go around ruminating about your extra mittens for years, you just aren't the lets all go skiing type unless you have pre-vetted the situation. Know who you are and work with that. Not everyone is like you, with a super clean house and it all organized, and seriously, thank goodness because you sound like a massive PITA.

NP, but you started this by calling the OP petty, then doubled-down by calling PP a massive PITA. I am not in the business of buying friends with bar tabs and beach towels. I've worked hard for the money I have, and when I decide to spend some of it I do so deliberately. I buy what I need and keep track of those things. It's called being responsible. I'll gladly throw my credit card down to split dinner without a second thought of who ate what, but I'm not buying everyone's drinks at a bar if I've long stopped drinking myself because you think that pays for the fact I went home with your beach towel once (which, BTW, I would never do). This is not friendship. If you (or others in this thread who take peoples' things and then don't give them back) are so rich that you have total disregard for the fact that these things you take cost your friends money, then count your blessings...and trudge over to the ski shop to pay for your foolishness in the form of mittens at a ridiculous mark up just so your kid can go ski.

Now watch, you're probably going to call ME cheap.

I am not PP. I don't think PP is being nice about it but I don't think they are necessarily saying who you are is bad, just to know who you are and act accordingly. If you're the kind of person that is going to be really stressed out and anxious if you invite another family to go skiing and they forget their mittens then you should probably just go skiing just with your family or with a family you know won't do this. It is about setting yourself up for success and no bad feelings.

I am a scatterbrained person and I feel stressed out when I vacation with or do an activity with someone who is a level 10 organized person and who gets anxious if I lose something or can't find something. It just isn't a good match. My dad is super super organized and whenever I slip up on something he will say something like, 'typical larla, are you ever going to get organized??' and the answer is kind of, of course not. I am not a successful adult with kids and I run my house and meet my obligations just fine, I'm probably never going to make it those extra 20 yards to a perfectly organized house and a never forgotten wallet. But that is fine, I just need to make sure I don't do things with people who find that stressful or who will exacerbate that stress in me.

PP here, I can't speak for OP but personally I don't care if you are not organized--it means nothing to me that, working in this example, you need to go buy some mittens (though, yes, I might silently judge you for a minute). I still find you fun and want to hang out. I would not say the same if you consistently "borrowed" my stuff without giving it back and then justified it in your head because you think somewhere along the line you paid for something to make up for it.

I think maybe there are 2 things at play here. OP, if you let others' forgetfulness stress you out/make you anxious then that's on you. Don't fix their problems for them. It's probably in your head that you think they were eyeing your spare mittens in your car. The discussion I was responding to is a different topic--one of entitlement and tit for tat friendship.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this. It was mostly an issue when the kids were really little. She hated carrying around a bag, so she would never have diapers, wipes, snacks etc with her. I hate being unprepared in a situation where I may need something so I always had a bag with me. If she needed something she'd just ask me for it. I started to feel resentful because she never brought things with her that she knew she'd need because she would assume I would just give her stuff out of my bag. It mostly ended when we got out of the diaper bag phase, but even on a night out she hates to bring a purse so she'll ask me to carry her keys or wallet or whatever and I do resent it because it makes my bag heavier (I have to bring medication everywhere I go). Some people just don't think beyond themselves and their own needs/preferences.

[Anonymous]

Get your items back before you leave, make a point to pick them up yourself if you are concerned about them. Use your words, honey!

Yes, people are more disorganized than you.

Seriously, you may be more organized, but I bet they are way less drama! Chill out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound petty, sorry. Are you planning this stuff and inviting people? It sounds like you are. If so, some of this is a bit of hosting. The rest of it, I could care less is omelne takes my old towel. I always bring extra stuff b/c that’s my deal, another friend pays more often, and others are fun and we like having them, my kids are easier, etc. Overall, it all evens out. I don’t think you feel that way at all - you sound like a principal. Wby don’t you send some reminder texts or something? Really, you’re already halfway there so go whole hog.

Newsflash, defensive moocher: asking your friends if they want to meet up to go skiing does NOT mean you then need to outfit them in ski gear for the occasion. FFS.

Yeah, no. I clearly stated that I always bring extra stuff. Learn to slow down and read. But if I was going to get as worked up and bent out of shape as easily as you and OP do, I would A. stop inviting people to casually do stuff I did not trust to have all their items ready themselves, or B. do stuff alone because I am a raging control freak. If you really go around ruminating about your extra mittens for years, you just aren't the lets all go skiing type unless you have pre-vetted the situation. Know who you are and work with that. Not everyone is like you, with a super clean house and it all organized, and seriously, thank goodness because you sound like a massive PITA.

NP, but you started this by calling the OP petty, then doubled-down by calling PP a massive PITA. I am not in the business of buying friends with bar tabs and beach towels. I've worked hard for the money I have, and when I decide to spend some of it I do so deliberately. I buy what I need and keep track of those things. It's called being responsible. I'll gladly throw my credit card down to split dinner without a second thought of who ate what, but I'm not buying everyone's drinks at a bar if I've long stopped drinking myself because you think that pays for the fact I went home with your beach towel once (which, BTW, I would never do). This is not friendship. If you (or others in this thread who take peoples' things and then don't give them back) are so rich that you have total disregard for the fact that these things you take cost your friends money, then count your blessings...and trudge over to the ski shop to pay for your foolishness in the form of mittens at a ridiculous mark up just so your kid can go ski.

Now watch, you're probably going to call ME cheap.

I am not PP. I don't think PP is being nice about it but I don't think they are necessarily saying who you are is bad, just to know who you are and act accordingly. If you're the kind of person that is going to be really stressed out and anxious if you invite another family to go skiing and they forget their mittens then you should probably just go skiing just with your family or with a family you know won't do this. It is about setting yourself up for success and no bad feelings.

I am a scatterbrained person and I feel stressed out when I vacation with or do an activity with someone who is a level 10 organized person and who gets anxious if I lose something or can't find something. It just isn't a good match. My dad is super super organized and whenever I slip up on something he will say something like, 'typical larla, are you ever going to get organized??' and the answer is kind of, of course not. I am not a successful adult with kids and I run my house and meet my obligations just fine, I'm probably never going to make it those extra 20 yards to a perfectly organized house and a never forgotten wallet. But that is fine, I just need to make sure I don't do things with people who find that stressful or who will exacerbate that stress in me.

PP here, I can't speak for OP but personally I don't care if you are not organized--it means nothing to me that, working in this example, you need to go buy some mittens (though, yes, I might silently judge you for a minute). I still find you fun and want to hang out. I would not say the same if you consistently "borrowed" my stuff without giving it back and then justified it in your head because you think somewhere along the line you paid for something to make up for it.

I think maybe there are 2 things at play here. OP, if you let others' forgetfulness stress you out/make you anxious then that's on you. Don't fix their problems for them. It's probably in your head that you think they were eyeing your spare mittens in your car. The discussion I was responding to is a different topic--one of entitlement and tit for tat friendship.

Yes two issues. I find people get stressed out FOR me when I am not stressed out. I forgot my ID so couldn't buy wine at target the other day and the person behind me in line looked mortified for me hahaha. I literally thought she might buy the bottles and follow me into the parking lot. But I really didn't care. I had forgotten the ID, it was 100% my fault and I'd forgotten about it by the time I paid. OP you need to let them face consequences for their own life, trust me it is the only way that results in change! Or at least, results in learning how to not get flustered by it!

I would also add though, at this point OP knows who the friends are. So she should not let them borrow anything that she is attached to. For the same kind of philosophy, they are who they are and she can only control herself. If you lend something out to them tomorrow and they don't return it, that is a self inflicted wound OP. And I'm not defending them they sound rude, ESPECIALLY the not only continuing to use it but to use it in ways where you and your family will see them using it. But they are who they are and you now are fully aware of who they are. So don't set yourself up to be annoyed and give them things. Draw a line in the sand or be very very picky about getting things back that day at the end of the event.

[Anonymous]

I'm still trying to wrap my head around so many "pre-planned" activities. Especially ones that require specific gear. Op, are you sure they want to do these things?