Dealing with friends who are overwhelmed and/or inconsiderate?

[Anonymous]

The people who do this won't chime in on here that they do it because they have no idea. They don't keep track of their own stuff or yours. They have no idea what's in their house. They don't think like us. I had one in college I called the black hole...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just take the items home with you and wash them yourself. Done.

This. You already know they’re forgetful or careless or whatever. Loan your shit but get it back. How hard is it for you to wash a towel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have never had any experience with this. It sounds truly bizarre. Plenty of my friends are disorganized and tired, but they don’t steal my stuff.

+1

+100

And instead of telling them to wash and return it, just get the item back at the end of the gathering. "Johnny uses this towel for swim class, so I need to take it back now".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have never had any experience with this. It sounds truly bizarre. Plenty of my friends are disorganized and tired, but they don’t steal my stuff.

+1

+2. They sound annoying. Don’t invite them to outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would honestly stop providing the extras.

It sounds like this happens with one family? Next time they forget, let natural consequences take care of it. If they need to cancel the outing after they get there, then that’s that. Not your problem. If it happens again, then stop making complicated plans with this family. Only meet up at restaurants or places where no preparation is needed. If they “forget” their wallet, then you know you’re being taken advantage of...

Somehow, they manage to remember the towels when they vacation alone....

This. Don’t loan to them again. Next time they forget their towel, or gloves, or anything else you loaned them, just say “I’d give you our extra, but you still have it from last time.” This would annoy me too.

+1

Or ask for things back at the end of the activity. Don't let them take them home. Unless these people are just as flaky when they are on their own and routinely have to cancel activities because they didn't pack stuff when there was no one to back them up, they are, intentionally or not, mooching. Another option is just not to bring extra stuff with you when you meet up with them, or make sure that it is isn't visible. If you really have loaned them that item before, I'd use the PP's line. Say it cheerfully and matter-of-factly, not snidely or rudely. It's just a fact...they borrow stuff, don't return it, and now you don't have it to lend to them.

[Anonymous]

I have a work friend like this. I've learned not to loan her things. I've had to ask for things back - when I do and they're right there she does return them. As for motivation, I think it's a matter of priorities (it's not important to her to use her time/energy to track things like this), some level of physical and mental disorganization (although, like PP, she is organized to a fault regarding her work), and privilege.

[Anonymous]

Like others have said, your mistake is not asking for them back at the end of the day. If it's a loan, you ask for it back. If it's a gift, you don't.

[Anonymous]

Ask for them back at the end of the activity.

If you brought a change of clothes, or gloves, keep them in a back pack or a bag so that they are no clearly visible. That way they can't say "We forgot gloves" while staring at yours. or if they do, you are free to reply "I know that DS will get his gloves wet while skiing/sledding/playing in the snow. Those are his gloves for the after lunch so he can enjoy the entire day."

Your friends have learned that they can count on you to provide everything. Either you need to stop providing everything or bring even more extras so their mooching doesn't hurt your family and insist that they return the items at the end of they day. You can add the extra towels/sweaters or whatever to your laundry pile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have never had any experience with this. It sounds truly bizarre. Plenty of my friends are disorganized and tired, but they don’t steal my stuff.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just take the items home with you and wash them yourself. Done.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who do this won't chime in on here that they do it because they have no idea. They don't keep track of their own stuff or yours. They have no idea what's in their house. They don't think like us. I had one in college I called the black hole...

+1. I keep track of my stuff. I do not have the privilege of having lots of stuff to loan out and not get back. This would drive me crazy. I would send a message saying you need to pick up the ski mittens and beach towel this weekend. No good deed goes unpunished.

[Anonymous]

Ask for the things back before you leave and wash them yourself. It’s going to be less awkward than trying to get them back later.

[Anonymous]

If they are well off and busy, then I think they don't place as much value on who owns what. It's rude and not socially acceptable, but it's how people with more money than time may start to operate...

Honestly, I wouldn't have the time to stay friends with such people, unless they have other really kind and generous traits going for them!!!

[Anonymous]

The people who do this won't chime in on here that they do it because they have no idea. They don't keep track of their own stuff or yours. They have no idea what's in their house. They don't think like us. I had one in college I called the black hole...

Well I'll take up your invitation and cop to being one of those people that have a black hole of a house. But that actually doesn't explain the OP's friend's behavior. I would never *use* the lent items. That implies I have kept track of them! If I actually knew where they were, then I would put them on the mantel. And then forgot again and let them collect dust for another month. And then 3 mos later, when you likely have little use for them anymore, finally remember and return. Then feel bad. Lunch on me (again).

There is also privilege going on, as another PP pointed out... I lend stuff out all the time and it is a PITA to keep track of so I never follow up myself either.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I could totally be this person. Although I'd never be posting pictures using it on vacation! I can keep track of what we have borrowed but I'm terrible about like, remembering at the time when doing something about it is possible, if that makes sense. Like a great example, I have a friend's cooler right now because we had to transport dry ice for an event we were running together and I took the cooler home to clean it out. I know its hers, I haven't been using it, and I am constantly trying to remember to bring it with me but I just keep forgetting. I will be seeing her at dinner and I will be mentally reminding myself all day but then will forget when I'm walking out the door.

I am just absentminded and have been my whole life. I actually fight it by trying to NEVER be in this situation so I would never borrow your gloves, I would buy some because I would dread this happening hahaha.

But if I loaned you something I honestly would forget about it entirely and likely never care if I saw it again because I dunno, some acknowledgement of karma for my own scatterbrained-ness and also stuff is just stuff I really deal with what is in front of me at any moment in time. Which I know sounds privileged but really we just like...operate that way. DD stepped in a frozen puddle today and her boots were wet and we couldn't find her other ones. So DH put on new socks and wrapped them in saran wrap and put her back in the wet boots. I would never spend time getting mad about not being able to find the backup boots. I think that is totally a personality thing and no one is right or wrong there just like...explaining how its just a different way of thinking that results in this.

I would echo what PPs said, never let them leave the event with the the thing. Everyone is way happier in this scenario.