Dealing with friends who are overwhelmed and/or inconsiderate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The people who do this won't chime in on here that they do it because they have no idea. They don't keep track of their own stuff or yours. They have no idea what's in their house. They don't think like us. I had one in college I called the black hole...

Well I'll take up your invitation and cop to being one of those people that have a black hole of a house. But that actually doesn't explain the OP's friend's behavior. I would never *use* the lent items. That implies I have kept track of them! If I actually knew where they were, then I would put them on the mantel. And then forgot again and let them collect dust for another month. And then 3 mos later, when you likely have little use for them anymore, finally remember and return. Then feel bad. Lunch on me (again).

There is also privilege going on, as another PP pointed out... I lend stuff out all the time and it is a PITA to keep track of so I never follow up myself either.

Hahaha, I posted right after you and YES totally this! The using it and posting pictures of a towel on vacay is crazy to me. I am a black hole but have a mental list of things I'm SUPPOSED to be doing and have kind of a perpetual low level of guilt about it!

[Anonymous]

I used to do this kind of thing pre kids, and yes it was because I was kind of selfish. I figured- well,I love this shirt she let me borrow, and she hasn’t asked for it back, so I’m going to keep wearing it on and off. That being said if my friend was like “can I have that back now?” I’d return it. No real excuse besides selfishness, which I have since grown out of now that I’m 10 years older and wiser, and that is why I would not excuse away this behavior in someone else.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend in college like this. I remember we traveled together in Europe for a summer and at some point we separated for a week to see friends in different countries. I lent him a big beach towel that I happened to like. He "got rid of it" at some point because he didn't have enough space in his bag. To this day, 15 years later, I'm shocked someone could just throw out something they borrowed. He also frequently forgot his wallet at home when it was time to pay for drinks, and would offer to pay "next time," but never did. We got along really well but eventually stopped hanging out because of this entitled attitude that caused him to not be bothered by such insignificant thinks as other people's things and money... OP, you need to decide what you want and adjust your behavior accordingly. These people aren't going to change.

[Anonymous]

You sound petty, sorry. Are you planning this stuff and inviting people? It sounds like you are. If so, some of this is a bit of hosting. The rest of it, I could care less is omelne takes my old towel. I always bring extra stuff b/c that’s my deal, another friend pays more often, and others are fun and we like having them, my kids are easier, etc. Overall, it all evens out. I don’t think you feel that way at all - you sound like a principal. Wby don’t you send some reminder texts or something? Really, you’re already halfway there so go whole hog.

[Anonymous]

I was one of those people before kids. Its not that I didn't want to return things, I just forgot all about them. Often times I'd put them in a "safe place" and forget where said safe place was. And i'd lend out things all the time and never think to ask for it back. There's an element of selfishness/privilege surely in there, but also (at least for me) just distractedness/absent-mindedness. In fact, I remember clearly constantly using my roommate's sanitary napkins stash she kept under the sink - because I just kept forgetting to buy some myself from the store. Finally, after months of this, I found a sticky note stuck to the pack saying "Once or twice or three times is fine! But you need to buy your own pads!!". I was kind of offended at the time, but now I find it really amusing. It stuck with me, because after that I was SUPER CAREFUL about returning things that I'd borrowed (and actually just avoided borrowing altogether since my memory is bad). I'm still not great about keeping track of what I lend out though.

[Anonymous]

I'd honestly just stop inviting those friends. Whatever the underlying cause, they're too much trouble. It's not the cost of the loaned out items, it's the breakdown in civility.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of these people are classic moochers. Most of us prepare for trips but your friends count on the fact that you will do the work for them. Who cares if we don't have enough gloves/mittens, op will have extras. They are moochers, takers, entitled, etc.

I dealt with this with a neighbor. She sent her kid over to play in the snow with no gloves, and get this, no coat. It was her way of forcing the issue since we had already loaned the kid a lot of other clothes, movies. I finally sent her kid home. When I stopped fixing things, the mom became more direct and would call and demand things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of these people are classic moochers. Most of us prepare for trips but your friends count on the fact that you will do the work for them. Who cares if we don't have enough gloves/mittens, op will have extras. They are moochers, takers, entitled, etc.

I dealt with this with a neighbor. She sent her kid over to play in the snow with no gloves, and get this, no coat. It was her way of forcing the issue since we had already loaned the kid a lot of other clothes, movies. I finally sent her kid home. When I stopped fixing things, the mom became more direct and would call and demand things.

If she is not properly dressed then send her home and say no. Simple.

[Anonymous]

OP is offering, ask that it be washed and returned. Stop offering and take it back after use and wash yourself.

[Anonymous]

I would stop providing these things and ask for them back when you see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I could totally be this person. Although I'd never be posting pictures using it on vacation! I can keep track of what we have borrowed but I'm terrible about like, remembering at the time when doing something about it is possible, if that makes sense. Like a great example, I have a friend's cooler right now because we had to transport dry ice for an event we were running together and I took the cooler home to clean it out. I know its hers, I haven't been using it, and I am constantly trying to remember to bring it with me but I just keep forgetting. I will be seeing her at dinner and I will be mentally reminding myself all day but then will forget when I'm walking out the door.

I am just absentminded and have been my whole life. I actually fight it by trying to NEVER be in this situation so I would never borrow your gloves, I would buy some because I would dread this happening hahaha.

But if I loaned you something I honestly would forget about it entirely and likely never care if I saw it again because I dunno, some acknowledgement of karma for my own scatterbrained-ness and also stuff is just stuff I really deal with what is in front of me at any moment in time. Which I know sounds privileged but really we just like...operate that way. DD stepped in a frozen puddle today and her boots were wet and we couldn't find her other ones. So DH put on new socks and wrapped them in saran wrap and put her back in the wet boots. I would never spend time getting mad about not being able to find the backup boots. I think that is totally a personality thing and no one is right or wrong there just like...explaining how its just a different way of thinking that results in this.

I would echo what PPs said, never let them leave the event with the the thing. Everyone is way happier in this scenario.

This me, exactly. I’m also someone who steps up to help or do favors without a second thought or expectation of reciprocity.

[Anonymous]

OP - your problem is that you think people are as considerate and mindful as you. They are not. Now you know that.

Stop covering for them and either let them suffer their own consequences for their own ineptitude, or take things back from them before they leave that very day.

People are lazy. Some people are users. Let me guess, you might have nicer stuff than them? Do they think you can spare it, for some reason? If so, they are judgy and not good friends (maybe not good people). It is a sign of bigger problems for them. That is not your problem.

I know someone whose daughter used to have sleepovers almost every weekend. Always her house. After a while, she started noticing the same group, and clothes were often missing. Always some excuse for "borrowing" (really, stealing) stuff. That was the end of that. Some people have sticky fingers, OP - or somehow think you have something they don't. Now you know. Act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound petty, sorry. Are you planning this stuff and inviting people? It sounds like you are. If so, some of this is a bit of hosting. The rest of it, I could care less is omelne takes my old towel. I always bring extra stuff b/c that’s my deal, another friend pays more often, and others are fun and we like having them, my kids are easier, etc. Overall, it all evens out. I don’t think you feel that way at all - you sound like a principal. Wby don’t you send some reminder texts or something? Really, you’re already halfway there so go whole hog.

Newsflash, defensive moocher: asking your friends if they want to meet up to go skiing does NOT mean you then need to outfit them in ski gear for the occasion. FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I could totally be this person. Although I'd never be posting pictures using it on vacation! I can keep track of what we have borrowed but I'm terrible about like, remembering at the time when doing something about it is possible, if that makes sense. Like a great example, I have a friend's cooler right now because we had to transport dry ice for an event we were running together and I took the cooler home to clean it out. I know its hers, I haven't been using it, and I am constantly trying to remember to bring it with me but I just keep forgetting. I will be seeing her at dinner and I will be mentally reminding myself all day but then will forget when I'm walking out the door.

I would echo what PPs said, never let them leave the event with the the thing. Everyone is way happier in this scenario.

Then why did you take the cooler home? And why are you mentally reminding yourself and making mental lists (next post)? That clearly isn't working for you. Set a phone alert/reminder!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound petty, sorry. Are you planning this stuff and inviting people? It sounds like you are. If so, some of this is a bit of hosting. The rest of it, I could care less is omelne takes my old towel. I always bring extra stuff b/c that’s my deal, another friend pays more often, and others are fun and we like having them, my kids are easier, etc. Overall, it all evens out. I don’t think you feel that way at all - you sound like a principal. Wby don’t you send some reminder texts or something? Really, you’re already halfway there so go whole hog.

Newsflash, defensive moocher: asking your friends if they want to meet up to go skiing does NOT mean you then need to outfit them in ski gear for the occasion. FFS.

Yeah, no. I clearly stated that I always bring extra stuff. Learn to slow down and read. But if I was going to get as worked up and bent out of shape as easily as you and OP do, I would A. stop inviting people to casually do stuff I did not trust to have all their items ready themselves, or B. do stuff alone because I am a raging control freak. If you really go around ruminating about your extra mittens for years, you just aren't the lets all go skiing type unless you have pre-vetted the situation. Know who you are and work with that. Not everyone is like you, with a super clean house and it all organized, and seriously, thank goodness because you sound like a massive PITA.