Do I have a husband problem or a money problem?
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Anonymous
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I feel that my DH and I are not on the same page about things that I wish was a priority for both of us. I find that I am unable to live and do things I want because my DH is always so discouraging and does so by citing our financial limitations. I think with creativity and prioritizing we can live frugally hit also do things that make me happy. He thinks since we aren’t rich we should essentially live like hermits.
- id like to prioritize health. Since we aren’t rich I choose to use my paychecks to buy organic produce and meats with a wide variety of fresh greens and fruit. I choose cheaper options such as canned salmon and frozen vegetables to save on cost. DH says this is luxurious and that we should instead “eat plainly” meaning have a plate or rice with grilled chicken or pork for dinner with a bag of iceberg lettuce. I obviously disagree so our compromise is that he buys his pork and rice and I buy veggies and fish. - I want to pursue higher education as I feel doing so will bring me personal fulfillment and may make me more competitive on the job market. It’s been one of my forever goals. DH however has always shot it down. He says further education wouldn’t help with my job prospects and I’d pnly wind up with 200k in student debt which would crush us. I understand his point but...I’m happy to pay them off as I continue working throughout my life. He worries once children come and since I already have a low paid job, I’ll leave the job market and he’ll end up with loans he won’t be able to cover on his salary. - I’d like to live in a more “grown up space.” We currently live like college kids with random furniture that doesn’t go together or old hand me downs. The rest of our place is empty with things lining corners of walls as they have no place else to go. I hate it it’s depressing. He doesn’t bat and eyelash. I am too embarrassed to invite anyone over as a 31 year old woman my living arrangememt is embarrassing. He thinks I want to “waste our money on luxuries” when I bring up wanting to buy art for our bare walls or buy a mirror which we don’t have in our apt! It’s become so painful I don’t even bring it up and as such I live in a house that’s not really mine. - I’d like for us to travel more since we don’t have kids. He says a yearly trip to the beach is sufficient. I scoff and say we are you g and healthy we should be exploring the world.He says we aren’t rich kids so we shouldn’t act like we are. I feel bitter and jealous of our friends who take 3-4 trips a year and make less money than us! Financials- HHI 100k-150k (depending on how much I bring in with my unstable contracting gigs) Rent: $1650 Car: $265 Insurance:$75 DH loans: $900 Groceries: $400 Are my requests unreasonable? |
Anonymous
| You have a husband problem. |
Anonymous
| Didn’t you post already about how you have no furniture and your husband is fine with free finds? If so, just leave him. You’re perpetually unhappy and looking for people to side with you. |
Anonymous
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It’s still unclear - I think you’re both a little bit right here. What are your savings? Your retirement fund? Do you have an emergency fund? Are you saving to buy a house? I think he may have fears about money and views a lot of things as throwing money away, but I have no idea about your ultimate financial situation to know what is justified. You read like someone for whom money burns a whole in your pocket and wants to spend, spend, spend. I didn’t see you exhibit any concern for your long term financial goals.
The food one is the easiest thing. You need a food budget. I think he just doesn’t like the things you do, so he doesnt want to eat them. So determine what is fair to spend per month for two people. If you can’t find meals you both enjoy, a third of the budget goes for staples, he gets a third to get main courses he will cook and eat, and you get a third to get your things. You need a budget for home improvements, and then pick the things that make the most impact. You’re not going to fix this overnight. The school thing is trickier. Since we don’t know the field, I can’t say whether your husband is right or wrong, but many advanced degrees are a trap that you never get out of. 200k is a LOT of debt, and if it’s in many fields it’s a total waste. You also would,not be contributing to the finances while you’re doing it. You all be in terrible financial footing when the children come. You’re 31 years old - just when do you think you’re going to have these children? OP, collectively, you want to spend a lot of money and live like someone in this area who makes a lot more money than you do. So you don’t have to,live like a hermit, but you can’t have a full cart at Whole Foods, and go to school, and travel three times a year internationally, and get a whole house of new expensive furniture all at the same time. |
Anonymous
This. Honestly, pick two. |
Anonymous
| Travel and good food are reasonable. School, it depends what you want to study and where. It can be a good or bad investment. A useless subject in a shitty institution can bea financial disaster. |
Anonymous
| How much is left on his student loans? Honestly, I’d buckle down and get Dave Ramsey “gazelle intense” and pay those off. You’d have a lot more financial freedom to do the things you want to do with that $900 a month instead of paying loans. |
Anonymous
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Get a better ft job.
Do not have kids. You will never have time or money for your dreams if you do. You and your dh will fight constantly about kids and money. You will end up divorced. Please believe me. |
Anonymous
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If I were your mediator I’d say:
-Buy your organic food/vegetables. -Don’t take out any student loans unless it increases your earning potential and you can commit to staying in the workforce. Take some online classes on coursera instead. You want to contribute to the financial health of the relationship and student loans could make that very difficult. -Buy some used art. -Try to travel affordably. Visit friends/family in other cities. Drive instead of fly. Convince him to go on one trip rather than making it about keeping up with friends who travel often. Your DH sounds reasonable to me honestly. Have you considered finding more stable work to bring in a more consistent income? It’s alot easier to win this argument with your DH if you start bringing in more money. |
Anonymous
| I think you’re looking at this the wrong way because all of your talk is about what you want without any consideration of your short- and long-term needs. You guys need to sit down, figure out your financial priorities, and then build a budget that start with the short- and long-term needs and ends with figuring out how you’d like to spend any discretionary money left over. |
Anonymous
Trust me I am working on it. I had immigration issues for the few years so I worked as a nanny. I finally have a work permit so I have been applying to work full time.. |
Anonymous
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What is your level of education? His?
What type of work do you both do? |
Anonymous
| I don’t understand how you didn’t discuss these priorities and life goals before you got married. |
Anonymous
Me: BA Liberal arts DH: masters liberal arts I work as an admin, him as a consultant |
Anonymous
This is the way I look at it, too. Perhaps if you demonstrated an ability to work with what you've got and improve it, you'd get more traction with your DH. Definitely see a financial planner to ensure you at least agree on some common goals - like retirement. Until I was 35, the only 'new' furniture we had in our house was the mattress we slept on. Everything in our home was hand-me-down or purchased used. When I was 35, we bought a new couch to replace my grandmother's couch from the 70s (it had a horrid turquoise plaid material which I covered with a couch cover I had painted/dyed). Even now, my boys (MS/HS) are sleeping in the bunk beds my brother and I slept in (we shared a room) and my DD is sleeping in a loft bed we bought off Craigslist and repainted. We have a lot of art but not 'conventional' works. They are inherited pieces, made by me or the kids or from yard sales. I'm now in my 50s and am not in the least ashamed of what we have in our home - neither are my DH or my teenagers. |