STBXW has moved out and has her AP visiting with our kids
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Anonymous
| I am over it with my STBXW. We have been separated physically for 8 months now. The custodial is clear on the do's and do not's. However, my STBXW is now bringing her former AP/Boyfriend to her house and the kids are calling me to say they feel scared around him. I tried to address it with my STBXW but she says they kids are find and we have 50/50 custody so you have no say on who I bring over my house. Is it wrong to tell my kids that if at any time you feel that way, call me and I will pick you up. We live close by so the kids can walk to my house. Before I get lawyers involved or the police to make sure my kids are ok, any guidance would be helpful. I know there is still a transition time for the kids to adapt to two homes but I know my oldest who is 14 is very clear he does not want anything to do with the person my STBXW brought over. I tried talking to him and even took him to see a therapist and he still does not want to discuss. As to my two youngest boys (5/8), they are doing better but they keep saying a stranger spends a lot of time at the house. I just need to make sure all my kids feel secure when they are not with me. |
Anonymous
| Why do you think they are scared? Or are they upset because they see him as the reason they no longer have an intact family? What did the therapist say? |
Anonymous
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Another post on this??!
Not trying to be snarky OP. I sincerely understand your pain in all of this. But posting over + over about your cheating wife is not healthy. It is wasted time as well as useless energy. Stop letting these four walls make you crazy. Take a stroll. Buy yourself a coffee at your local coffee cafe. Speak to others at the grocery store. In other words, focus on yourself ONLY right now. And on doing things that bring you joy + are very healthy for you. But get out, moving & distract yourself from this current issue..... If even for part of the day. Remember to be kind/gentle w/yourself too. No self-destructing or self-medicating. Only constructive actions going forward. Wish you only the best!! |
Anonymous
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Ask your lawyer but I think she’s right that there’s nothing you can do about who she has in her house on her time. It might not be good for the kids, but sadly she can let any boyfriends meet them if she chooses.
You can’t go pick up the kids during her time without her permission. The kids need to talk to their mom. It might not help, but it’ll mean more coming from them than from you. When they complain, you can tell them that you’re there to listen anytime, but their mom gets them half the time and she’s in charge during that time. You don’t get to set the rules or the guest list during that time, so they need to discuss problems with her directly as well. What are they afraid of? If they just don’t like the guy, and you’re making a big deal about it, you may be feeding their anxiety. Be careful about that. As painful as it is, encouraging harmony is better for the kids, unless the guy is abusive in some way. It sucks when parents intentionally choose not to put their kids’ best interests at heart, but it’s also bad when it’s done unintentionally. |
Anonymous
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What does your agreement say about the “dos and don’ts” to which you refer? If she’s violating something in your agreement, talk to your lawyer. It’s lrobably not enforceable but she can at least be put on notice. If your agreement doesn’t say anything about partners during custody time, she is right in that you have no say.
Why are your kids scared of him? You didn’t address that. |
Anonymous
' the bold above is true; however -- the oldest child, at 14, might have some say with the court. Kids that age and older sometimes do have the opportunity to tell a family court judge their preferences, usually in the case of deciding where the teen will live. OP, I would first talk to your teen about advocating for him/herself with mom (though it sounds as if mom isn't going to listen, if the BF is around as much as the kids say). Have you worked with the therapist yourself? I'd be especially concerned if your teen is insisting on not feeling safe but feels he can't say why--maybe something happened, in which case I hope the therapist would tell you if something police-worthy might be going on. If your ex flatly refuses to listen to the older child, talk to your lawyer about whether your teen can tell a judge he does not want to see this other adult who is in mom's home, or whether the teen can ask to live only with you and have visitation with mom only at "third places" like at school events, coffee shops, etc. The larger issue then would be what happens with the two younger kids who are not old enough that a court would listen to their preferences. Not sure about how to handle that part, OP. I really think you need to (a) talk to your lawyer and (b) try to find out why the kids are scared of this guy. If they really are scared and not just resentful of him -- I would absolutely want to know what's frightening them. |
Anonymous
Is there a morality clause that she is violating? What I would say to them is, if they are scared, they should walk over to your house, and be damned to what XW thinks about it. |
Anonymous
| I’d also want to know more about why they are scared. Do you have any more details about that? |
Anonymous
| Keep in mind that her AP doesn't want her kids around either. That guy will be perfectly happy if they leave and come over to your place anytime he shows up. Now he can bang her in peace, yay! |
Anonymous
| It doesn't even matter why they are scared. If they say they are, believe them. |
Anonymous
Dude. Your excessive postings on here indicate that you are FAR from “over it.” You need to focus on rebuilding yourself and having a healthy relationship with your kids. Give the bullshit a rest. Look I’m sorry that you have been hurt but you have to man up and grow up. If your kids are in danger they should call 911. What is the purpose of creating all of this drama? |
Anonymous
| How old are each of the children? |
Anonymous
Stupidest Advice Ever. 
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Anonymous
Why? |
Anonymous
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1. Talk to your lawyer.
2. Have you had a background check run on the AP? 3. Make sure the children understand it was mommy who broke up the marriage, not the AP. Generally, there isn't much you can do other than being a good parent when the children are with you. |