Brief (?) Emotional Affair

[Anonymous]

I have a demanding career that can result in me being distant physically and emotionally. The last few months were particularly bad. After realizing the effect this was having, I have been purposely focusing on my spouse and our home life. My home life has improved greatly.

During this rough stretch, my spouse’s friendship with an opposite sex friend, also married, evolved to where they expressed to each other levels of attraction. For legitimate professional reasons, they work and will continue to work closely together. They also spend time together socially during the work day and in group settings immediately after. The friend’s marriage sounds irreparable.

I was aware of the friendship and, before confronting my spouse, suspected something more than only an emotional affair. After a belated discussion of our marriage, my spouse informed me of the shared feelings; after my refocusing on my spouse and family, my spouse tells me with confidence that the feelings/attraction for the friend are no more; however, their friendship remains special. I have no doubt that the friend’s attraction remains and will likely grow. I also believe my spouse.

The spouse refuses to inform the friend that the previously communicated attraction is gone but had communicated (as was represented to me) that our marriage had rebounded. I am not in a position to confirm independently any aspect of the relationship between my spouse and the friend.

I will not tell my spouse to stop socializing with the friend. But I stuck in constant trepidation as to what is happening/being said between them.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Advice: have sex every single day for at least a month. That'll drive thoughts of her out of his mind. And, since with men, emotions follow the dick, it will also refocus his emotions on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice: have sex every single day for at least a month. That'll drive thoughts of her out of his mind. And, since with men, emotions follow the dick, it will also refocus his emotions on you.

Oddly solid advice from DCUM!

Also, send him fun, flirty texts during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice: have sex every single day for at least a month. That'll drive thoughts of her out of his mind. And, since with men, emotions follow the dick, it will also refocus his emotions on you.

Oddly solid advice from DCUM!

Also, send him fun, flirty texts during the day.

Or you could just tell him to help more around the house and tell him that he's not entitled to sex. That always makes a husband appreciate you more. Make sure you throw in some comments about the mental load you're carrying and how you're just so tired all the time and you can't even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a demanding career that can result in me being distant physically and emotionally. The last few months were particularly bad. After realizing the effect this was having, I have been purposely focusing on my spouse and our home life. My home life has improved greatly.

During this rough stretch, my spouse’s friendship with an opposite sex friend, also married, evolved to where they expressed to each other levels of attraction. For legitimate professional reasons, they work and will continue to work closely together. They also spend time together socially during the work day and in group settings immediately after. The friend’s marriage sounds irreparable.

I was aware of the friendship and, before confronting my spouse, suspected something more than only an emotional affair. After a belated discussion of our marriage, my spouse informed me of the shared feelings; after my refocusing on my spouse and family, my spouse tells me with confidence that the feelings/attraction for the friend are no more; however, their friendship remains special. I have no doubt that the friend’s attraction remains and will likely grow. I also believe my spouse.

The spouse refuses to inform the friend that the previously communicated attraction is gone but had communicated (as was represented to me) that our marriage had rebounded. I am not in a position to confirm independently any aspect of the relationship between my spouse and the friend.

I will not tell my spouse to stop socializing with the friend. But I stuck in constant trepidation as to what is happening/being said between them.

Any advice?

He needs to stop socializing with her. What happens if you hit another rough patch in your marriage? You know you will. Do you really want to worry about him running back to her each time? It sounds like you need couples therapy, stat.

[Anonymous]

I read the OP as though it was written by a man who is concerned about his wife’s attraction to a coworker, probably because my husband has a demanding career and is emotionally distant, so I pictured someone like him as the OP. I feel like the sex every day for a month strategy would be less effective if OP is a man married to a woman. If you are a man, OP, devote more time and energy to the things that you know your wife really appreciates. Maybe it’s flowers and gifts; maybe it’s a love note detailing what she and your marriage mean to you and what attracts you to her; maybe it’s planning a special romantic trip; maybe it’s your finding some activity you can do together that you’ll both enjoy, to show her that you’re willing to carve out time from your busy schedule for her. In my own case, it would be very powerful for me if my husband would just give me 10-15 minutes a day of really engaging with me: putting down his phone, looking me in the eye, sharing one thing about his day or life with me, and really listening to me without looking like he’s thinking about something else while I talk.

Also, your spouse needs to create some polite distance between him/herself and work colleague. When you’ve already confessed mutual attraction, anything less than politely distancing yourself is playing with fire. They should not socialize without being in the company of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice: have sex every single day for at least a month. That'll drive thoughts of her out of his mind. And, since with men, emotions follow the dick, it will also refocus his emotions on you.

Oddly solid advice from DCUM!

Also, send him fun, flirty texts during the day.

No, this is not the solution to things. People don't cheat because of sex. My ex and I had regular/daily sex, he was never denied it, and he still cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice: have sex every single day for at least a month. That'll drive thoughts of her out of his mind. And, since with men, emotions follow the dick, it will also refocus his emotions on you.

Oddly solid advice from DCUM!

Also, send him fun, flirty texts during the day.

No, this is not the solution to things. People don't cheat because of sex. My ex and I had regular/daily sex, he was never denied it, and he still cheated.

Some people cheat just because they get off on cheating. Sorry you married one of those guys. This is not true for most men who cheat. Most married men just want their wives. They only turn to other women when their wives reject them one time too many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read the OP as though it was written by a man who is concerned about his wife’s attraction to a coworker, probably because my husband has a demanding career and is emotionally distant, so I pictured someone like him as the OP. I feel like the sex every day for a month strategy would be less effective if OP is a man married to a woman. If you are a man, OP, devote more time and energy to the things that you know your wife really appreciates. Maybe it’s flowers and gifts; maybe it’s a love note detailing what she and your marriage mean to you and what attracts you to her; maybe it’s planning a special romantic trip; maybe it’s your finding some activity you can do together that you’ll both enjoy, to show her that you’re willing to carve out time from your busy schedule for her. In my own case, it would be very powerful for me if my husband would just give me 10-15 minutes a day of really engaging with me: putting down his phone, looking me in the eye, sharing one thing about his day or life with me, and really listening to me without looking like he’s thinking about something else while I talk.

Also, your spouse needs to create some polite distance between him/herself and work colleague. When you’ve already confessed mutual attraction, anything less than politely distancing yourself is playing with fire. They should not socialize without being in the company of others.

My tact since refocusing on my family has been consistent with what you suggested; it has been a great boon to the marriage and I kick myself for not realizing/implementing this earlier. My issue is that when we’re together, I have, at most, only lingering concerns. It is during the work day that my concerns really bubble. This reduces productivity which increases stress which I will eventually again bring home.

My spouse has agreed-without disagreement-not to socialize alone after work as I believe that was rarely done. It’s the legitimate work time they will spend together that continues to bother/worry me; and my concern is the friends’s inability to move on.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been focusing on your home life, and would your spouse say it's enough?

Your spouse figures your efforts are going to be short lived, then you'll revert back to your old ways. So they are hedging their bets by keeping the other person around for when that happens. You need to give it time to prove to spouse that things are going to stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been focusing on your home life, and would your spouse say it's enough?

Your spouse figures your efforts are going to be short lived, then you'll revert back to your old ways. So they are hedging their bets by keeping the other person around for when that happens. You need to give it time to prove to spouse that things are going to stay that way.

Not long enough but it has been acknowledged that this time my turnaround has been deeper and more sustained than before. I have communicated my fear that there will be a relapse by me and what effect that will have on the friendship. We’ve talked about ways to mitigate the effect of my eventual return to my professional funk.

I don’t think the spouse is keeping the friend around for that reason but acknowledge the friend could see it that way.

[Anonymous]

I read it and thought OP was the DH.

I think the sex every day thing is a good option. Use your jealousy in a constructive manner in and out of the bedroom. If you trust your wife, that's all you can do and its the best thing to do. A rival is not the worst thing psychologically.

[Anonymous]

I also read it as OP being the DH.

OP -- it is actually helpful to know genders.

If you are the wife, F'ing your DH every night is a good strategy.

OP, if you are the husband, woo'ing your wife, taking her out, taking time to do the dishes (or whatever) and let her relax a little extra and THEN snuggling up with her on the couch to watch TV (or whatever it is you like to do together) will help. And yes to the sex, but read that carefully. She may not want it every night for a month.

Recap:

Women, F your husbands.

Men, do some cleaning, cooking, snuggling, woo'ing, and once in a while, sexing. Oh, sexting is good, too. I love that shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice: have sex every single day for at least a month. That'll drive thoughts of her out of his mind. And, since with men, emotions follow the dick, it will also refocus his emotions on you.

Oddly solid advice from DCUM!

Also, send him fun, flirty texts during the day.

No, this is not the solution to things. People don't cheat because of sex. My ex and I had regular/daily sex, he was never denied it, and he still cheated.

Not all people cheat because of a lack of sex. But some do. And sex is intimacy. Especially for men. So it doesn't hurt. But no sex DOES hurt.

[Anonymous]

I wrote pretty much this exact post 3 years ago. Turned out he didn't stop spending as much emotional energy on her, he just hid it better.

If I could go back in time, I would have told her husband and insisted my DH find a way to avoid working with her. As it was, 3 years later, we just finalized the divorce. 2 families destroyed, 5 children involved. And shockingly.... They broke up about 6 months after the shit hit the fan. Affairs are a while lot less sexy when you can't avoid the destruction they bring.