Brief (?) Emotional Affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised anyone still believes that choreplay does anything more than get more chores done.

It may make the wife much happier when her husband takes on a bigger share of the housework but it sure won't lead to more or better sex. Just gives her more time to waste on Facebook or binge watching Netflix.

You just said it right there. It may make the wife happier. Wife isn't asking for more sex. the OP is asking how to strengthen his/her marriage. Happy wife, happy life ...got it folks? How to make your man happier? More sex. How you make your woman happier? More snuggling, woo'ing, sexting, and doing the chores without being asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always works. No man chores, no marriage, dufous.
You’rexa very dumb man.

Choreplay doesn't work.

Calling someone dumb when your short response contains two gross spelling errors also doesn't work.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/03/guys-who-do-housework-get-less-sex.html

a new study in the American Sociological Review casts doubt on the truth of this happy feminist idyll. Men routinely doing “female” chores appear to have less—not more—sex. According to the authors, Sabino Kornrich (Center for Advanced Studies in the Social Sciences, Madrid), Julie Brines (University of Washington), and Katrina Leupp (University of Washington): Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks—such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance—report higher sexual frequency.

Too bad most men nowadays....don't act like men. I know very few men who do traditional male chores, or if they do, they have to be nagged and then they complain the whole time.

Among other things, I do the trash, the yard, anything involving cars, the litter box, anything that involves lifting heavy things or climbing ladders. I kill bugs. I do the vacuuming. I load and unload the d/w. I do my laundry and kid laundry. I make kid meals and my own. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done.

I don't know any men who get away with not doing anything around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - they have each expressed attraction to each other. It's now out there and it's hard to dial it back.

But you know what? Your spouse can certainly tell this friend that boundaries were crossed, it was, and is, inappropriate and s/he needs to step back. But the fact that your spouse refuses to do so is a major problem and a sign of disrespect to your and your marriage.

This is OP. I do not know if my spouse has or has not said those things. All I know is that there is an unwillingness to tell the friend what was represented to me: that the feelings previously expressed are no more. (I have purposely not asked for the extent of those feelings (ie, mere physical attraction, love). I feel my spouse was simply neglected by me, lonely, and enjoyed having someone devote attention.)

I do wish my spouse would tell the friend all the things you outlined. If my trepidation continues, I am considereding making that request. However, we’ve had so many tears the last few weeks and I’m tired of being sad. I’m also exhausted from being suspicious and nervous.

Responding to others in this thread: even at the worst of times, our sex has been great and the best we’ve probably ever had, which masked for me how upset my spouse was with our relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, seeing a marriage counselor helped my DH and I learn to communicate with and listen to each other better. Sometimes we think we are hearing each other but often were not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always works. No man chores, no marriage, dufous.
You’rexa very dumb man.

Choreplay doesn't work.

Calling someone dumb when your short response contains two gross spelling errors also doesn't work.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/03/guys-who-do-housework-get-less-sex.html

a new study in the American Sociological Review casts doubt on the truth of this happy feminist idyll. Men routinely doing “female” chores appear to have less—not more—sex. According to the authors, Sabino Kornrich (Center for Advanced Studies in the Social Sciences, Madrid), Julie Brines (University of Washington), and Katrina Leupp (University of Washington): Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks—such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance—report higher sexual frequency.

Confusing correlation with causation again.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html

A study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year, surprised many, precisely because it went against the logical assumption that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex in these marriages will improve, too. Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. It wasn’t just the frequency that was affected, either — at least for the wives. The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - they have each expressed attraction to each other. It's now out there and it's hard to dial it back.

But you know what? Your spouse can certainly tell this friend that boundaries were crossed, it was, and is, inappropriate and s/he needs to step back. But the fact that your spouse refuses to do so is a major problem and a sign of disrespect to your and your marriage.

This is OP. I do not know if my spouse has or has not said those things. All I know is that there is an unwillingness to tell the friend what was represented to me: that the feelings previously expressed are no more. (I have purposely not asked for the extent of those feelings (ie, mere physical attraction, love). I feel my spouse was simply neglected by me, lonely, and enjoyed having someone devote attention.)

I do wish my spouse would tell the friend all the things you outlined. If my trepidation continues, I am considereding making that request. However, we’ve had so many tears the last few weeks and I’m tired of being sad. I’m also exhausted from being suspicious and nervous.

Responding to others in this thread: even at the worst of times, our sex has been great and the best we’ve probably ever had, which masked for me how upset my spouse was with our relationship.

OP, I agree with seeing a therapist/counselor together, because it's important that your spouse voice these feelings to the work colleague. I had an emotional affair with a work colleague while married to my first husband. It was a result of being ignored (although certainly not because he was working too hard!), and it felt good to have someone give a shit about me. We didn't have kids and got divorced shortly thereafter because I realized I shouldn't be married to him. My work colleague remained at work, and we flirted a bit for a while when I was single but then when I met my current husband and started dating I realized I needed to make clear that my relationship with my work colleague had to change. I told him I was fully invested in my new relationship and that I didn't want to make the same mistake I had before. We're still friends to this day because we somehow miraculously managed to get our relationship back on track to just being a friendship, but it was crucial that I tell him that things had changed. Your spouse isn't with someone new - they're still with you, so it stands to reason that this work colleague assumes everything is the same. Your spouse not being willing to voice that something has changed to the work colleague is a huge red flag. It means they're not willing to let go of it, which means that you will never be able to either. I would hope that a good therapist would make that clear and make your spouse decide if they really are ready to commit to the new you or not.