Brief (?) Emotional Affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Advice: have sex every single day for at least a month. That'll drive thoughts of her out of his mind. And, since with men, emotions follow the dick, it will also refocus his emotions on you.

Oddly solid advice from DCUM!

Also, send him fun, flirty texts during the day.

No, this is not the solution to things. People don't cheat because of sex. My ex and I had regular/daily sex, he was never denied it, and he still cheated.

Um..... yes. People (men) most definitely DO cheat because of sex.
Not all men who cheat aren't getting sex at home. (witness: your exH). But ALL men who don't get it at home cheat.

[Anonymous]

OP - they have each expressed attraction to each other. It's now out there and it's hard to dial it back.

But you know what? Your spouse can certainly tell this friend that boundaries were crossed, it was, and is, inappropriate and s/he needs to step back. But the fact that your spouse refuses to do so is a major problem and a sign of disrespect to your and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a demanding career that can result in me being distant physically and emotionally. The last few months were particularly bad. After realizing the effect this was having, I have been purposely focusing on my spouse and our home life. My home life has improved greatly.

During this rough stretch, my spouse’s friendship with an opposite sex friend, also married, evolved to where they expressed to each other levels of attraction. For legitimate professional reasons, they work and will continue to work closely together. They also spend time together socially during the work day and in group settings immediately after. The friend’s marriage sounds irreparable.

I was aware of the friendship and, before confronting my spouse, suspected something more than only an emotional affair. After a belated discussion of our marriage, my spouse informed me of the shared feelings; after my refocusing on my spouse and family, my spouse tells me with confidence that the feelings/attraction for the friend are no more; however, their friendship remains special. I have no doubt that the friend’s attraction remains and will likely grow. I also believe my spouse.

The spouse refuses to inform the friend that the previously communicated attraction is gone but had communicated (as was represented to me) that our marriage had rebounded. I am not in a position to confirm independently any aspect of the relationship between my spouse and the friend.

I will not tell my spouse to stop socializing with the friend. But I stuck in constant trepidation as to what is happening/being said between them.

Any advice?

He needs to stop socializing with her. What happens if you hit another rough patch in your marriage? You know you will. Do you really want to worry about him running back to her each time? It sounds like you need couples therapy, stat.

You can’t control someone like this. You can’t plan to ‘hit a rough patch’ and imprison your spouse while doing it.

[Anonymous]

I'd normally say that the advice for having sex more would be helpful, but OP says that this was an emotional affair - if OP's DH truly feels that this woman is more attentive, more caring, less demanding, etc etc, then his motivation is more than just sex.

[Anonymous]

IF you're the DH and your DW expressed her feeling to this other man, good luck. The other man is still going to give her the butterflies/tingles and he will most likely still pursue her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd normally say that the advice for having sex more would be helpful, but OP says that this was an emotional affair - if OP's DH truly feels that this woman is more attentive, more caring, less demanding, etc etc, then his motivation is more than just sex.

The larger point of the sex recommendation is that for a man, more sex will strengthen his emotional attachment to the wife and decrease his emotional attachment to this other woman. The number one way a woman can signal to a man that she is "attentive and caring" to him... is to initiate sex with him frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also read it as OP being the DH.

OP -- it is actually helpful to know genders.

If you are the wife, F'ing your DH every night is a good strategy.

OP, if you are the husband, woo'ing your wife, taking her out, taking time to do the dishes (or whatever) and let her relax a little extra and THEN snuggling up with her on the couch to watch TV (or whatever it is you like to do together) will help. And yes to the sex, but read that carefully. She may not want it every night for a month.

Recap:

Women, F your husbands.

Men, do some cleaning, cooking, snuggling, woo'ing, and once in a while, sexing. Oh, sexting is good, too. I love that shit.

Disagree on the advice for men. That beta choreplay shit never works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also read it as OP being the DH.

OP -- it is actually helpful to know genders.

If you are the wife, F'ing your DH every night is a good strategy.

OP, if you are the husband, woo'ing your wife, taking her out, taking time to do the dishes (or whatever) and let her relax a little extra and THEN snuggling up with her on the couch to watch TV (or whatever it is you like to do together) will help. And yes to the sex, but read that carefully. She may not want it every night for a month.

Recap:

Women, F your husbands.

Men, do some cleaning, cooking, snuggling, woo'ing, and once in a while, sexing. Oh, sexting is good, too. I love that shit.

Disagree on the advice for men. That beta choreplay shit never works.

It always works. No man chores, no marriage, dufous.
You’rexa very dumb man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It always works. No man chores, no marriage, dufous.
You’rexa very dumb man.

Choreplay doesn't work.

Calling someone dumb when your short response contains two gross spelling errors also doesn't work.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/03/guys-who-do-housework-get-less-sex.html

a new study in the American Sociological Review casts doubt on the truth of this happy feminist idyll. Men routinely doing “female” chores appear to have less—not more—sex. According to the authors, Sabino Kornrich (Center for Advanced Studies in the Social Sciences, Madrid), Julie Brines (University of Washington), and Katrina Leupp (University of Washington): Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks—such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance—report higher sexual frequency.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html

A study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year, surprised many, precisely because it went against the logical assumption that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex in these marriages will improve, too. Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. It wasn’t just the frequency that was affected, either — at least for the wives. The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It always works. No man chores, no marriage, dufous.
You’rexa very dumb man.

Choreplay doesn't work.

Calling someone dumb when your short response contains two gross spelling errors also doesn't work.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/03/guys-who-do-housework-get-less-sex.html

a new study in the American Sociological Review casts doubt on the truth of this happy feminist idyll. Men routinely doing “female” chores appear to have less—not more—sex. According to the authors, Sabino Kornrich (Center for Advanced Studies in the Social Sciences, Madrid), Julie Brines (University of Washington), and Katrina Leupp (University of Washington): Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks—such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance—report higher sexual frequency.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html

A study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year, surprised many, precisely because it went against the logical assumption that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex in these marriages will improve, too. Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. It wasn’t just the frequency that was affected, either — at least for the wives. The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised anyone still believes that choreplay does anything more than get more chores done.

It may make the wife much happier when her husband takes on a bigger share of the housework but it sure won't lead to more or better sex. Just gives her more time to waste on Facebook or binge watching Netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always works. No man chores, no marriage, dufous.
You’rexa very dumb man.

Choreplay doesn't work.

Calling someone dumb when your short response contains two gross spelling errors also doesn't work.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/03/guys-who-do-housework-get-less-sex.html

a new study in the American Sociological Review casts doubt on the truth of this happy feminist idyll. Men routinely doing “female” chores appear to have less—not more—sex. According to the authors, Sabino Kornrich (Center for Advanced Studies in the Social Sciences, Madrid), Julie Brines (University of Washington), and Katrina Leupp (University of Washington): Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks—such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance—report higher sexual frequency.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html

A study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year, surprised many, precisely because it went against the logical assumption that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex in these marriages will improve, too. Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. It wasn’t just the frequency that was affected, either — at least for the wives. The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.

I think it’s important to recognize that the study highlights men doing more *masculine* chores get more sex. Many men don’t do these chores anymore and either ignore them or outsource them. So then you have a wife still doing the bulk of the feminine chores while the husband does nothing, and that breeds resentment.

The conclusion isn’t that choreplay doesn’t work at all, it’s that you need the correct choreplay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always works. No man chores, no marriage, dufous.
You’rexa very dumb man.

Choreplay doesn't work.

Calling someone dumb when your short response contains two gross spelling errors also doesn't work.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/03/guys-who-do-housework-get-less-sex.html

a new study in the American Sociological Review casts doubt on the truth of this happy feminist idyll. Men routinely doing “female” chores appear to have less—not more—sex. According to the authors, Sabino Kornrich (Center for Advanced Studies in the Social Sciences, Madrid), Julie Brines (University of Washington), and Katrina Leupp (University of Washington): Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks—such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance—report higher sexual frequency.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html

A study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year, surprised many, precisely because it went against the logical assumption that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex in these marriages will improve, too. Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. It wasn’t just the frequency that was affected, either — at least for the wives. The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.

I think it’s important to recognize that the study highlights men doing more *masculine* chores get more sex. Many men don’t do these chores anymore and either ignore them or outsource them. So then you have a wife still doing the bulk of the feminine chores while the husband does nothing, and that breeds resentment.

The conclusion isn’t that choreplay doesn’t work at all, it’s that you need the correct choreplay.

Except that's not choreplay. That's just men acting like men. Good old fashioned gender role stuff. Who woulda thunk it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s important to recognize that the study highlights men doing more *masculine* chores get more sex. Many men don’t do these chores anymore and either ignore them or outsource them. So then you have a wife still doing the bulk of the feminine chores while the husband does nothing, and that breeds resentment.

The conclusion isn’t that choreplay doesn’t work at all, it’s that you need the correct choreplay.

"Choreplay" is the idea that he should do feminine chores in order to get sex. It doesn't work. Him doing masculine chores is not choreplay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always works. No man chores, no marriage, dufous.
You’rexa very dumb man.

Choreplay doesn't work.

Calling someone dumb when your short response contains two gross spelling errors also doesn't work.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/03/guys-who-do-housework-get-less-sex.html

a new study in the American Sociological Review casts doubt on the truth of this happy feminist idyll. Men routinely doing “female” chores appear to have less—not more—sex. According to the authors, Sabino Kornrich (Center for Advanced Studies in the Social Sciences, Madrid), Julie Brines (University of Washington), and Katrina Leupp (University of Washington): Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently. Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks—such as yard work, paying bills, and auto maintenance—report higher sexual frequency.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html

A study called “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which appeared in The American Sociological Review last year, surprised many, precisely because it went against the logical assumption that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex in these marriages will improve, too. Instead, it found that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car. It wasn’t just the frequency that was affected, either — at least for the wives. The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.

I think it’s important to recognize that the study highlights men doing more *masculine* chores get more sex. Many men don’t do these chores anymore and either ignore them or outsource them. So then you have a wife still doing the bulk of the feminine chores while the husband does nothing, and that breeds resentment.

The conclusion isn’t that choreplay doesn’t work at all, it’s that you need the correct choreplay.

Except that's not choreplay. That's just men acting like men. Good old fashioned gender role stuff. Who woulda thunk it?

Too bad most men nowadays....don't act like men. I know very few men who do traditional male chores, or if they do, they have to be nagged and then they complain the whole time.