Punishment: No Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Kid is in high school. Sub par grades, late to class on a regular basis, leaves class for extended periods. We have talked to her no less than 20 times about not being late to class, but she gabs in the hallways and is late anyway. Its to the point that we get emails from teachers about her being late.

We have taken her phone and eliminated all social activities for the past month and moving forward until her choices improve.

Spouse now says we should get her no gifts for Christmas since nothing else seems to be working.

How would you deal with this if it were your kid?

[Anonymous]

Too big in my opinion but my kids are younger. Have you had her screened for ADHD? Doesn't sound like she is a bad kid. She is just losing track of time.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like taking things away isn’t working.

I’d try something else. Maybe do something like a reward chart (childish I know, but it’s worth a shot)

For everyday or week you don’t get an email $1-$5 goes into a jar. After a certain amount of time she has access to the jar to either spend or save it. The dollar amount can vary depending on your finances.

I wouldn’t go all out for Christmas but I also wouldn’t take it away, it will ruin your time, too

[Anonymous]

Don't do this. It is extreme and will back fire on you.

[Anonymous]

If it were my kid, I'd talk about options for improving grades. I'd also talk about what the future looks like and help her map it out. I'd talk about employment options and which ones require a college degree. Kid needs a plan, not punishment. Also, Christmas is unrelated to school performance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too big in my opinion but my kids are younger. Have you had her screened for ADHD? Doesn't sound like she is a bad kid. She is just losing track of time.

+1
Get her a watch with a timer.

Given the title of your post, I thought you were going to say your kid did something horrific, like commit a crime, but taking away Christmas bc she loses track of time?

[Anonymous]

That won't solve the issue and it will just strain your relationship. I agree that it's likely an executive functioning issue; try to help her instead of punishing her.

[Anonymous]

A time management and lack of focus on schoolwork problem can be symptoms of ADHD.
Do you want to punish your child for having a disorder that she can't help?

Why don't you do the right thing and get her evaluated but a reputable psychologist. Tell her it's non-negotiable considering her low grades and tardiness.

Don't nix Christmas - she'll justifiably hate you forever.

[Anonymous]

No way, honestly it sounds like you have been taking the easy way out.

Taking her phone? EASY
No social activities? EASY
No Christmas presents? EASY

Parenting teens is hard. You need to do the hard work of talking to your child and asking them what is going on. Why is she being late to class all the time? Why is she leaving class for extended amounts of time?

Why are you only addressing the symptoms that something is wrong as behaviorial issues instead of looking for the causes?

Does your dd have low grades because she isn't in class, or is she not in class because she has low grades and is struggling?

20% of people have learning disabilities or attention issues. 1 in 8 kids have anxiety.

You have tried taking a rigid approach, how is that working for you? Is it working so well you really want to double down on it?

[Anonymous]

Have you given her the tools to succeed? If so, then natural consequences. If not then you have work to do.

Things to consider are whether she has a disability and whether something else is going on, such as a mental health issue.

Nothing good will come from taking away Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the kid needs some counseling of some sort. What do the school counselors say? Being late for class is one thing but the leaving class for extended periods sounds more serious. Do you think she's got a drinking/drug issue? Eating disorder?

Are the subpar grades a new thing or has she always struggled with school? If the latter then it may be that she is being a rebel in order to avoid being labeled the dumb kid.

No Christmas sounds like a completely inappropriate, and probably ineffective, solution.

[Anonymous]

I would not punish with no Christmas and I wouldn't take the phone - I might take features off the phone but I'd want her to have it for safety and my convience. There is a balance and doing all or nothing/extremes is going to make the situation worse.

Are the classes to hard? Does she have trouble memorizing or reading? I'd offer a tutor. Is she happy at the school? If no, maybe a school change.

Sometime is going on, so the question is what? Taking away Christmas, especially if you have other kids is just cruel.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she needs to be evaluated for issues, not punished. If she can't concentrate now, she will not be able to hold a decent job later. No amount of punishment can make changes stick if she doesn't learn how to deal with the problems she is having. And if you don't get her tested and treated now, it's going to be much worse when she gets older.

[Anonymous]

You are a Grinch.

This is executive functioning/organization/time management issues/anxiety/ and possibly smoking weed. For the love of it all help her instead of punishing her.

[Anonymous]

A family member and his parents went through this; they said he was just unmotivated. He barely graduated from high school and joined the army, where they were able to determine he has learning problems. After serving his enlistment, he's gotten more support from the VA than he's ever gotten from his parents, who are UMC and still in denial.

If he had been evaluated, tested, and the problem figured out ... he would be doing so much better now.

She is the child and you are the parent OP. Get her help and figure out what the problem is, instead of punishing her. If she doesn't know how to fix what's wrong, punishment will do no good.