How did you wrap your head around donor egg?

[Anonymous]

Donor egg may be in the cards for us. We were first adamantly opposed but I'm coming to terms that there may be no other way we can have another child with my eggs (bad bad DOR and 35yo).

How did you wrap your head around this option? Did it meet your expectations? Was it super expensive? How did others treat you when you told them? What will you tell your child about his/her genetics? THank you in advance.

[Anonymous]

I just did it for my second (first was not DE), 14 weeks along now after first transfer of PGS tested blast. I used an agency and didn't share the eggs (we had MF and were advised not to), plus the donor had some significant travel, so it was very expensive. There are ways to make it less expensive, e.g., shared cycle or frozen eggs.

I never had an issue with the concept generally. I would also have adopted, but this was more appealing to us for various reasons. The realities of all the details did take some time to get used to. E.g., how to pick a donor. Donor sibling registry has some good info (but also info from people opposed to DE, so be prepared if you go there) and there are counselors that specialize in helping people explore whether DE is appropriate for them. I've been open with friends and family and will be open with the child (highly recommended by counselors). I do feel a tinge of failure, so it took a bit of pride swallowing, but I don't think it's something that needs to be or should be kept secret (it's family info, so somewhat private, but it's not bad or negative). I will not be open at work - couldn't really explain why, other than while I like the people I work with, I also like a division between work and my personal life.

After researching for a while, we decided to use a proven, known donor and to go with an agency so we would get as much medical info as possible for medical history. Based on a call with the donor and her profile, we also believe that she wasn't just in it for the $ and had a good understanding of what she was doing. We do know that there is at least one other DE child from this donor and will provide that info to our child (along with all the info about the donor we have).

No regrets (other than sometimes the time and $ spent on OE cycles).

[Anonymous]

OP if you don't mind sharing, how have you come to the conclusion that you might be at that point? How many cycles have you done? What are your numbers? Curious to know more about your experience, as I'm relatively new to this process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't mind sharing, how have you come to the conclusion that you might be at that point? How many cycles have you done? What are your numbers? Curious to know more about your experience, as I'm relatively new to this process.

The biggest thing is my RE brought it up as a possible next step.

I've done two cycles, one of which resulted in a success. But that was when I was 32.

Numbers now: I am 35yo with a 0.28 amh. I'm a poor responder which is my biggest concern-- just won't produce enough follies. In 2 cycles I've produced 4 and 3 follicles, respectively, on maximum stims.

A part of me knows there MUST be at least one good egg left in me (husband has no issues) but just trying to be realistic here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't mind sharing, how have you come to the conclusion that you might be at that point? How many cycles have you done? What are your numbers? Curious to know more about your experience, as I'm relatively new to this process.

The biggest thing is my RE brought it up as a possible next step.

I've done two cycles, one of which resulted in a success. But that was when I was 32.

Numbers now: I am 35yo with a 0.28 amh. I'm a poor responder which is my biggest concern-- just won't produce enough follies. In 2 cycles I've produced 4 and 3 follicles, respectively, on maximum stims.

A part of me knows there MUST be at least one good egg left in me (husband has no issues) but just trying to be realistic here.

Thanks for replying and sharing. I appreciate it. This is such a scary process for all of us. Wishing you all the best on your journey and hope you get some more replies in answer to your question

[Anonymous]

I was also on the DE track (same age as you, DOR but with worse stats) and here's how I wrapped my head around it:
- I thought of all of the people I truly love, but who I share no genetic connection to (and also all of the people who I'm ambivalent about but do share a genetic connection to)
- I thought about what matters most to me when I think about passing things on to the next generation. I'm extremely close to my parents and grandparents (all genetically related), but what I value most about them is not a shared eye color, nose, height, whatever, but our values and culture. Things that can be passed on to any child you raise.
- families come in so many styles today. I have family members who have used donors because they're in single sex relationships. Family members who adopted, who are single moms by choice. I live in a big city where no kid really is the odd one out because they're surrounded by kids in all sorts of family arrangements. Knowing I wasn't burdening my kid with a social stigma (if people even knew about the DE) helped.

The decision to do DE was relatively easy for me. We'd had multiple losses and I was really really ready to have a child through whatever means would be physically, logistically, and financially easiest (i.e. not a thousand rounds of IVF, not a drawn out adoption process, etc). I loved the fact that I'd still get to carry the baby. I loved the fact that I could potentially carry 100% genetic siblings for the baby. I get the hypocrisy of my first 2 points in downplaying genetics but then wanting a genetic sibling for my DE, but that's where my head was.

In the end, I conceived "naturally" while on lupron during my mock/prep cycle for a DE and now have a 2 year old. Then, 17 weeks ago I got pregnant on a random IUI cycle that DH and I tried on a whim (we were contentedly one and done after what we'd been through but figured "why not" since insurance covered it). I'm 36, I have an AFC of 1-2, high FSH and undetectable AMH. I've posted a lot about my various experiences on here, and I know my situation is extraordinary and atypical and lucky, but it is worth repeating that you just never know with DOR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't mind sharing, how have you come to the conclusion that you might be at that point? How many cycles have you done? What are your numbers? Curious to know more about your experience, as I'm relatively new to this process.

The biggest thing is my RE brought it up as a possible next step.

I've done two cycles, one of which resulted in a success. But that was when I was 32.

Numbers now: I am 35yo with a 0.28 amh. I'm a poor responder which is my biggest concern-- just won't produce enough follies. In 2 cycles I've produced 4 and 3 follicles, respectively, on maximum stims.

A part of me knows there MUST be at least one good egg left in me (husband has no issues) but just trying to be realistic here.

Max stims with DOR might be part of the problem. You should investigate mini IVF.

[Anonymous]

I did donor egg. My first was IVF with my own egg. It was a pretty easy decision for us. My first pregnancy was a disaster so I wasn’t surprised when my numbers came back bad. I was actually the one who suggested it to RE. I would have adopted, but that comes with its own challenges. It is nice that I got to be pregnant and breastfeed. This was also a much better pregnancy!

I do sometimes wonder what it will be like when baby is older and is interested in genetics. But like poster said above - there are all kinds of families these days. I love my baby and they are perfect and all mine. I barely think about it.

I went through a couple donors and loses before success. So I had other issues beside egg quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't mind sharing, how have you come to the conclusion that you might be at that point? How many cycles have you done? What are your numbers? Curious to know more about your experience, as I'm relatively new to this process.

The biggest thing is my RE brought it up as a possible next step.

I've done two cycles, one of which resulted in a success. But that was when I was 32.

Numbers now: I am 35yo with a 0.28 amh. I'm a poor responder which is my biggest concern-- just won't produce enough follies. In 2 cycles I've produced 4 and 3 follicles, respectively, on maximum stims.

A part of me knows there MUST be at least one good egg left in me (husband has no issues) but just trying to be realistic here.

I was much older than you with similar amh and 3 failed cycles with very few eggs on max stims. I was admonished for not doing DE yet I had 2 more children (no more ivf) . I am not trying to persuade you for or against DE but IVF and stimming might not be all that helpful for poor respondents

[Anonymous]

You ovulate once a period? you can still get pregnant, egg quantity does not equal egg quality. you should consider NCIVF @ dominion fertility before donor eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was also on the DE track (same age as you, DOR but with worse stats) and here's how I wrapped my head around it:
- I thought of all of the people I truly love, but who I share no genetic connection to (and also all of the people who I'm ambivalent about but do share a genetic connection to)
- I thought about what matters most to me when I think about passing things on to the next generation. I'm extremely close to my parents and grandparents (all genetically related), but what I value most about them is not a shared eye color, nose, height, whatever, but our values and culture. Things that can be passed on to any child you raise.
- families come in so many styles today. I have family members who have used donors because they're in single sex relationships. Family members who adopted, who are single moms by choice. I live in a big city where no kid really is the odd one out because they're surrounded by kids in all sorts of family arrangements. Knowing I wasn't burdening my kid with a social stigma (if people even knew about the DE) helped.

The decision to do DE was relatively easy for me. We'd had multiple losses and I was really really ready to have a child through whatever means would be physically, logistically, and financially easiest (i.e. not a thousand rounds of IVF, not a drawn out adoption process, etc). I loved the fact that I'd still get to carry the baby. I loved the fact that I could potentially carry 100% genetic siblings for the baby. I get the hypocrisy of my first 2 points in downplaying genetics but then wanting a genetic sibling for my DE, but that's where my head was.

In the end, I conceived "naturally" while on lupron during my mock/prep cycle for a DE and now have a 2 year old. Then, 17 weeks ago I got pregnant on a random IUI cycle that DH and I tried on a whim (we were contentedly one and done after what we'd been through but figured "why not" since insurance covered it). I'm 36, I have an AFC of 1-2, high FSH and undetectable AMH. I've posted a lot about my various experiences on here, and I know my situation is extraordinary and atypical and lucky, but it is worth repeating that you just never know with DOR.

I am not the op but wanted to thank you for sharing your story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't mind sharing, how have you come to the conclusion that you might be at that point? How many cycles have you done? What are your numbers? Curious to know more about your experience, as I'm relatively new to this process.

The biggest thing is my RE brought it up as a possible next step.

I've done two cycles, one of which resulted in a success. But that was when I was 32.

Numbers now: I am 35yo with a 0.28 amh. I'm a poor responder which is my biggest concern-- just won't produce enough follies. In 2 cycles I've produced 4 and 3 follicles, respectively, on maximum stims.

A part of me knows there MUST be at least one good egg left in me (husband has no issues) but just trying to be realistic here.

I was much older than you with similar amh and 3 failed cycles with very few eggs on max stims. I was admonished for not doing DE yet I had 2 more children (no more ivf) . I am not trying to persuade you for or against DE but IVF and stimming might not be all that helpful for poor respondents

wow. May I ask if you were actively trying and for how long after the ivf cycles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was also on the DE track (same age as you, DOR but with worse stats) and here's how I wrapped my head around it:
- I thought of all of the people I truly love, but who I share no genetic connection to (and also all of the people who I'm ambivalent about but do share a genetic connection to)
- I thought about what matters most to me when I think about passing things on to the next generation. I'm extremely close to my parents and grandparents (all genetically related), but what I value most about them is not a shared eye color, nose, height, whatever, but our values and culture. Things that can be passed on to any child you raise.
- families come in so many styles today. I have family members who have used donors because they're in single sex relationships. Family members who adopted, who are single moms by choice. I live in a big city where no kid really is the odd one out because they're surrounded by kids in all sorts of family arrangements. Knowing I wasn't burdening my kid with a social stigma (if people even knew about the DE) helped.

The decision to do DE was relatively easy for me. We'd had multiple losses and I was really really ready to have a child through whatever means would be physically, logistically, and financially easiest (i.e. not a thousand rounds of IVF, not a drawn out adoption process, etc). I loved the fact that I'd still get to carry the baby. I loved the fact that I could potentially carry 100% genetic siblings for the baby. I get the hypocrisy of my first 2 points in downplaying genetics but then wanting a genetic sibling for my DE, but that's where my head was.

In the end, I conceived "naturally" while on lupron during my mock/prep cycle for a DE and now have a 2 year old. Then, 17 weeks ago I got pregnant on a random IUI cycle that DH and I tried on a whim (we were contentedly one and done after what we'd been through but figured "why not" since insurance covered it). I'm 36, I have an AFC of 1-2, high FSH and undetectable AMH. I've posted a lot about my various experiences on here, and I know my situation is extraordinary and atypical and lucky, but it is worth repeating that you just never know with DOR.

Thank you for sharing-- this is so helpful and I'm so happy for you and your story!! May I ask if you did clomid, letrozole or injectibles for the IUI cycle and how many follicles you had when triggering?

[Anonymous]

I got pregnant right away with my son and then when he was 10 months old we started TTC again. I thought I would have an easy time around the second time since I got pregnant right away the first time but it's now been 5 years trying everything to get pregnant and I've never been pregnant again. I have unexplained secondary infertility and we tried IUIs and IVFs, nothing worked. I am now 40.

I seriously considered DE, I did a ton of research, talked to REs, and even chose a donor I was interested in, but then just decided it wasn't right for me. It just seemed too complicated and I didn't like the idea of the child being biologically related to DH but not to me. I also didn't like the idea of carrying someone else's egg. Also my son looks exactly like me and knowing that this child wouldn't look like me at all really bothered me. I could just imagine in the future that my DE child in the teen years could be saying things like, "you like bio son better because he's your real son and I'm not" or "you're not my real mother so I don't have to listen to you" and it would be just heartbreaking. I could also imagine my son wondering why I had to go to such great efforts to give him a sibling and saying something like, "why wasn't I enough? You should have just had one kid."

Anyhow, after thinking about this for about a year we decided to just be content with an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant right away with my son and then when he was 10 months old we started TTC again. I thought I would have an easy time around the second time since I got pregnant right away the first time but it's now been 5 years trying everything to get pregnant and I've never been pregnant again. I have unexplained secondary infertility and we tried IUIs and IVFs, nothing worked. I am now 40.

I seriously considered DE, I did a ton of research, talked to REs, and even chose a donor I was interested in, but then just decided it wasn't right for me. It just seemed too complicated and I didn't like the idea of the child being biologically related to DH but not to me. I also didn't like the idea of carrying someone else's egg. Also my son looks exactly like me and knowing that this child wouldn't look like me at all really bothered me. I could just imagine in the future that my DE child in the teen years could be saying things like, "you like bio son better because he's your real son and I'm not" or "you're not my real mother so I don't have to listen to you" and it would be just heartbreaking. I could also imagine my son wondering why I had to go to such great efforts to give him a sibling and saying something like, "why wasn't I enough? You should have just had one kid."

Anyhow, after thinking about this for about a year we decided to just be content with an only child.

Thank you for your honest thoughts. Did you and your husband ever consider donor embryo?