How did you wrap your head around donor egg?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:42-year-old. 3 years of struggle. Will not consider donor eggs, would rather be childless.

Why are you so against it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had our first DE child when I was 32. I think it took me almost a year to come to terms with the fact that an OE child wasn't in the books for me. Then it took me 3 months looking at profiles before I found a donor I was satisfied. That all being said, I love my child more than I could have ever imagined. I occasionally have a slight ping of sadness that she doesn't look like me (which could happen with a genetic child) but I have more joy than anything else.

how much all told did it cost? even if i get past the emotional part, i'm worried that it will be cost-prohibitive

We used a frozen egg bank affiliated with the RE. I believe we spent ~17000 and that included 1 transfer (we ended up needing a second transfer and that was an additional $1,000).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think at 35, you still potentially have a good egg in there. We went through approx 50 eggs before we got my son. I was 29 at the time when I got the DE speech after 2 horrible rounds of IVF (no blasts) and got pregnant 2 months later spontaneously. That speech was almost 4 years ago and I just found out I'm pregnant again spontaneously. My AMH was 0.36 in Nov so low AMH and multiple IVF failures isn't necessarily a death sentence.

I also know someone who had a similar diagnosis as me- endo, DOR who chose to use DE several years ago when she was 31 after 1 bad round of IVF. 3 months after she delivered that baby, she found out she was pregnant, spontaneously.

I personally wouldn't use DE until you are absolutely sure your eggs are worthless and/or 37+.

Congrats!! What did you do after the 2 IVF cycles? You just tried naturally?

Thank you, yes tried naturally. I aimed to walk several miles a day and drink 100+ oz of water to improve blood flow to my ovaries after coming across a research study finding better embryos developed from better perfused follicles. I suspected this is what helped me get pregnant the first time so I started it again on month 4 of TFAS and it worked again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:42-year-old. 3 years of struggle. Will not consider donor eggs, would rather be childless.

Why are you so against it?

Not PP here, but I was willing to be childless rather than try donor egg, mostly because there are basically zero egg donors of my ethnicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any donor egg mothers have children that are now teenagers or older? I’m interested in how older children process the news that they are not genetically related to their mother.

My understanding is that a lot of it depends on how the news is delivered and when. Most encourage early, open discussion with DE children. I also understand from the counselor that DE isn't like adoption, in that the child won't feel a loss of their birth parents or abandonment, and that the tendency is for DE children to be more curious about possible siblings than feeling disconnected to their birth parents, assuming they don't feel betrayed by the fact that DE was kept secret from them.

Unfortunately, the only teen DE kids I know personally don't know that they're DE (at least I think that's the case) so I can't talk to them about it.

Yes, that is what the counselor provided from the clinic would want you to believe now isn’t it? There are many websites with donor conceived children who have known the truth their whole lives and still have major resentment over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:42-year-old. 3 years of struggle. Will not consider donor eggs, would rather be childless.

Why are you so against it?

Not pp, but one reason that I would be against it is because it’s unethical to deliberately create a child who is half adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:42-year-old. 3 years of struggle. Will not consider donor eggs, would rather be childless.

Why are you so against it?

Not pp, but one reason that I would be against it is because it’s unethical to deliberately create a child who is half adopted.

Child isn't adopted. Guess you also think that not having an abortion of a child that you intend to put up for adoption is unethical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any donor egg mothers have children that are now teenagers or older? I’m interested in how older children process the news that they are not genetically related to their mother.

My understanding is that a lot of it depends on how the news is delivered and when. Most encourage early, open discussion with DE children. I also understand from the counselor that DE isn't like adoption, in that the child won't feel a loss of their birth parents or abandonment, and that the tendency is for DE children to be more curious about possible siblings than feeling disconnected to their birth parents, assuming they don't feel betrayed by the fact that DE was kept secret from them.

Unfortunately, the only teen DE kids I know personally don't know that they're DE (at least I think that's the case) so I can't talk to them about it.

Yes, that is what the counselor provided from the clinic would want you to believe now isn’t it? There are many websites with donor conceived children who have known the truth their whole lives and still have major resentment over it.

Nope. Counselor wasn't from the clinic, she's an independent counselor that has written books about DE and is not associated with any clinic. I also did independent research. Further, I used a known donor, so identity of donor isn't an issue either. Are there some exceptions, sure. But there are also depressed/miserable people who aren't from DE. Some people will be unhappy no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:42-year-old. 3 years of struggle. Will not consider donor eggs, would rather be childless.

Why are you so against it?

Not pp, but one reason that I would be against it is because it’s unethical to deliberately create a child who is half adopted.

Child isn't adopted. Guess you also think that not having an abortion of a child that you intend to put up for adoption is unethical?

Faulty comparison. No one intentionally gets pregnant to give their child away. Adoption is a sad necessity. You don't intentionally create a child who doesn't get to be raised by one of his or her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any donor egg mothers have children that are now teenagers or older? I’m interested in how older children process the news that they are not genetically related to their mother.

I can't directly answer your question but I know of similar circumstances. A friend of mine was a GC using her own eggs two times for two different families. Those children are now a pre-teen and a young teen. Both the children know the truth of their origins and are happy and well-adjusted. My friend is on friendly, but not super close, terms with the families. She is fond of the children but on a friendly aunt level. She might FaceTime with them a couple times a year and sends birthday cards. She does not see herself as their mother but she is open to answering any questions they might have about their genetic history. Her view is that she fortunate enough to have healthy eggs that she wasn't doing anything with and there are great people out there desperately trying to have children so why not help out. She does have a child of her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any donor egg mothers have children that are now teenagers or older? I’m interested in how older children process the news that they are not genetically related to their mother.

I can't directly answer your question but I know of similar circumstances. A friend of mine was a GC using her own eggs two times for two different families. Those children are now a pre-teen and a young teen. Both the children know the truth of their origins and are happy and well-adjusted. My friend is on friendly, but not super close, terms with the families. She is fond of the children but on a friendly aunt level. She might FaceTime with them a couple times a year and sends birthday cards. She does not see herself as their mother but she is open to answering any questions they might have about their genetic history. Her view is that she fortunate enough to have healthy eggs that she wasn't doing anything with and there are great people out there desperately trying to have children so why not help out. She does have a child of her own.

A Gestational Carrier using her own eggs? You mean she agreed to conceive, carry and give away her own biological child to someone else for money!? That's baby selling!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any donor egg mothers have children that are now teenagers or older? I’m interested in how older children process the news that they are not genetically related to their mother.

I can't directly answer your question but I know of similar circumstances. A friend of mine was a GC using her own eggs two times for two different families. Those children are now a pre-teen and a young teen. Both the children know the truth of their origins and are happy and well-adjusted. My friend is on friendly, but not super close, terms with the families. She is fond of the children but on a friendly aunt level. She might FaceTime with them a couple times a year and sends birthday cards. She does not see herself as their mother but she is open to answering any questions they might have about their genetic history. Her view is that she fortunate enough to have healthy eggs that she wasn't doing anything with and there are great people out there desperately trying to have children so why not help out. She does have a child of her own.

A Gestational Carrier using her own eggs? You mean she agreed to conceive, carry and give away her own biological child to someone else for money!? That's baby selling!

I guess you can call it what you want but it doesn't matter. The question was how older children of DE process it. These two particular children have processed it fine.

I have another friend who used a GC and the GC's egg with her husband sperm. She views the child as her daughter and didn't "buy" her baby (actually, her baby is 10 yrs old now). They have a second child through adoption. Families are formed in all sorts of ways.

[Anonymous]

Ppl (or maybe one poster) on this thread seem to be equating DE with creating a child to "sell" and calling it dangerious and unethical. If so why is it so much worse than sperm donated created babies? Personally I dont see a difference between the two (eggs and sperm are microscopic elements necessary to create a baby.

Sperm donor babies have existed for decades now and we dont see waves and waves of maladjusted kids. Why would DE be different? If anything I think its terribly compelling to show the child pictures of the mother carrying the pregnancy, pictures of mother and baby at birth, and the knowledge that they have been together since the beginning. This child grows inside them, is part of them. -- signed infertility survivor finally coming around to DE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ppl (or maybe one poster) on this thread seem to be equating DE with creating a child to "sell" and calling it dangerious and unethical. If so why is it so much worse than sperm donated created babies? Personally I dont see a difference between the two (eggs and sperm are microscopic elements necessary to create a baby.

Sperm donor babies have existed for decades now and we dont see waves and waves of maladjusted kids. Why would DE be different? If anything I think its terribly compelling to show the child pictures of the mother carrying the pregnancy, pictures of mother and baby at birth, and the knowledge that they have been together since the beginning. This child grows inside them, is part of them. -- signed infertility survivor finally coming around to DE

Couldn't agree with this more.

There are a lot of very narrow perspectives on how families are made, but a lot of very very expansive examples of family living out in the world these days. I posted way up thread about wrapping my head around DE by thinking of all of the people in my life who I consider to be family, and all of the acquaintances in my life who are, traditionally speaking, my family.

[Anonymous]

I used a DE. It was the only possible route for us as I was in my late 40s at the time and had basically no egg reserve. We got pregnant with the first transfer of the first cycle and now are the parents of a beautiful, smart, silly, boy who is the total joy of our lives. I became comfortable with the DE concept after looking through the SGF donor database and realizing there were many quality donors to choose from, that before selecting a donor we could see the results of donor genetic tests and thus select or steer around donors on that basis, and we would be provided with a lot of additional information, including pictures of them as kids and adults, nationality, etc., such that I could select someone like me. When I someday tell my son (who is not quite 2 yet) that he was conceived with a DE, I have a story to tell about how we selected the perfect donor, who like me, is from a family with XYZ nationality, studied XYZ in college, played xYZ instrument or played XYZ sports. (You may need to wait several months to find the perfect match, but, study the database, and pounce as soon as the perfect donor appears.) I should add that, once your child is born, the DE issue that so occupies your mind right now will fade into the background. At no point during any day do I think, oh, you’re not genetically related to me, I just just think, oh, man, do I love you!