Husband has started berating me over small things

[Anonymous]

things and then trying to escalate when I don't respond in a matter that he deems sufficient.

Over the past 18 months or so, my husband has been basically jumping at any opportunity to give me a thorough takedown over perceived slights. This morning, for example, his floss was in my drawer. He couldn't find it so I mentioned it could be in my drawer. I run on autopilot sometimes, especially in the am and must have just grabbed the wrong one and tossed it in my drawer and indeed, that's where it was. Anyway, when I didn't seem to think it was that big a deal, he took that as "Me never taking responsibility for anything".

I work full time and do ALL of the housework, cooking, shopping, laundry that isn't explicitly his and was trying to get ready to leave for work. Frankly, I just don't feel like little mistakes here and there are worthy of his reaction and given their increasing propensity, and a compensating mechanism (I really don't want to have the churning stomach or be on the verge of tears this early in the am, because I AM ON MY WAY TO WORK) have yes, just kind of laughed it off and said "You're right. I am a horrible wife and person in general". Yes, this is not productive, but what am I supposed to do? My life is so full of stress already and I just don't know why he feels it's okay to treat me like this. I can certainly be snide but berating someone for these small things? How should I respond productively but in a way that won't make me upset or late? I'm long past trying to defend myself or argue. Perhaps divorce in my future, but I just need to deal with this in the interim.

[Anonymous]

Ask him. Say you noticed he seems stressed out and unhappy (give examples) and ask if everything is ok..is work ok, is the marriage ok, what’s bothering him. Be compassionate and helpful. Tell him you care about him and want to help. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar situation. Not necessarily berating but I’m pretty much always wrong. Sometimes we can’t even agree on something as simple as what jacket DS should wear or pizza toppings. I just always feel like I’m off base, like I just can’t hit the mark no matter how hard I try or how informed my decisions are. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Maybe I just need to be honest already and tell him how I feel.

Other than blatant honestly and counseling, I don’t know how to fix feeling like you are never right or, worse, just not good enough. Life is too short to spend it feeling inadequate.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long have you been married? I take it from your post you don't gave kids yet? I'd strongly advise you to work on this issue before you do, because parenting will leave him no shortage of opportunities to berate you over small things.

[Anonymous]

Not putting thing back where they belong- for whatever reason.

Has this sort of thing happened before? In what kind of frequency?
Does it happen at work or before when in school or w roommates?

[Anonymous]

Once safely home, I would read him the riot act tonight and tell him he's being verbally abusive and that you won't stand for that kind of disrespect.

And then don't lift a finger for him until he gets it. None of his laundry, no cooking for him, just take care of your own self. Go out with your friends. Ignore him for a while.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this. My husband recently gave me a list of things I do wrong. They included things like “screw lids on properly or ask for help”. I spoke to a friend about it, and she suggested that 1). I don’t take it personally. 2). He is feeling lonely and ineffective and this is his way of dealing with it. 3). Reminding him that he has no control over me, and 4). Tell him he has to talk to his AA sponsor before this can be resolved.

I liked this. The idea of forcing him to take responsibility for this, and not letting him frame the argument as how bad it is that I screwed on the jar lid incorrectly, putting me on the defensive.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him. Say you noticed he seems stressed out and unhappy (give examples) and ask if everything is ok..is work ok, is the marriage ok, what’s bothering him. Be compassionate and helpful. Tell him you care about him and want to help. See what happens.

But OP didn't say he seemed stressed out and unhappy - he's berating her and being obnoxious and mean.

Why can't people call out their spouse plainly?

"Spouse, you have ramped up your complaints and are berating me for minor annoyances - real or perceived. I don't like it and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore and I certainly won't engage on my way to work. If you want to talk about some real issues, I'm here but I'm not here to be your verbal punching bag".

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, just remember that this isn’t your problem, this is his problem, and it is not your job to fix him. It is your job to love and support him, but he has to fix his anger issues on his own or with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

He sounds angry about something.

What is it? What actually made him angry to now overrreact here for this one-time (?) thing where he cannot find his dental flood?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you need to sprinkle dental flood packages all over the bathroom if this is such a touchpoint. Or is this a pattern of stuff missing and he is now beyond frustrated and is now angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him. Say you noticed he seems stressed out and unhappy (give examples) and ask if everything is ok..is work ok, is the marriage ok, what’s bothering him. Be compassionate and helpful. Tell him you care about him and want to help. See what happens.

But OP didn't say he seemed stressed out and unhappy - he's berating her and being obnoxious and mean.

Why can't people call out their spouse plainly?

"Spouse, you have ramped up your complaints and are berating me for minor annoyances - real or perceived. I don't like it and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore and I certainly won't engage on my way to work. If you want to talk about some real issues, I'm here but I'm not here to be your verbal punching bag".

Exactly. Get to the real issue here OP, maybe even use a couples coach or therapist.

Btw, constantly misplacing things can be AD/HD and that absolutely affects trust and reliability in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him. Say you noticed he seems stressed out and unhappy (give examples) and ask if everything is ok..is work ok, is the marriage ok, what’s bothering him. Be compassionate and helpful. Tell him you care about him and want to help. See what happens.

But OP didn't say he seemed stressed out and unhappy - he's berating her and being obnoxious and mean.

Why can't people call out their spouse plainly?

"Spouse, you have ramped up your complaints and are berating me for minor annoyances - real or perceived. I don't like it and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore and I certainly won't engage on my way to work. If you want to talk about some real issues, I'm here but I'm not here to be your verbal punching bag".

Two reasons:
1). This isn’t my style. I am more passive aggressive. This is part of the reason DH and I found each other.
2). This doesn’t end the argument. This escalates the argument. My husbands typical response to this would be, “so now you do something wrong, and here *I* am apologizing AGAIN.”

[Anonymous]

Conflict resolution needed.

Is you taking his dental floss the actual issue here or is something else the issue?

Everyone should want to work together, solve this in an adult manner, and move on.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this when he's anxious, mostly work related. Now that I've found the pattern, I point it out to him when he's doing it but it also helps me take it less personally because I know it's more about him than about me. When he starts doing it to our son I take a harder line.