Husband has started berating me over small things
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Funny, my husband is the absent minded professor when he is under work stress. Thus if you ask where something lost is he lashes out at you for asking! Then the next day he is all normal — like having a monthly abusive temper tantrum is the only way he can function. And he totally baits me— I can tell his temper tantrum is building since he get so argumentative and defensive, then, usually Sunday night he just goes into abusive lecture mode. |
Anonymous
|
I would have thought stress or something easy, but the way he is speaking to you - and the feelings you are having make it sound like abuse. Your mind already went right to divorce...
If it's not mental illness (or maybe even if), you might want to get into counseling and give real thought to if this is a safe/healthy relationship for you. I wish you luck! This must be really hard! |
Anonymous
|
OP here: Married 11 years. One kid. I don't misplace things. In fact, I'm kind of stickler for organization. It was just a human-based accident. Shit happens.
You want another example that doesn't include misplacing things? The other day, my daughter came downstairs dressed for school in a pair of leggings that had rainbows and a long-sleeved shirt that had clouds. He said "OMG. You can't let her go to school in pajamas. What's wrong with you"? Me: "They're not pajamas. I don't know if she has time to change. It's first grade; they've seen worse". Then he proceeds to berate me while she's changing (out of earshot, fortunately) that "How is he supposed to know what's pajamas and what's not? Maybe if her drawers were organized (They are. I literally don't think he has put anything in them (since I do her laundry) nor taken anything out of them for her since she was an infant (DD can dress herself) and he was just making an angry assumption. I mean, literally what is happening? It's insane. I think I just rolled my eyes. Insanity! Is there a hormonal thing going on? It's almost like he's being a pms-ey bitch! |
Anonymous
|
16:55a. Interesting! Yeah, work stress could be it. His last position was waaaay more low-key (as was mine) but he was miserable in that he knew he needed to move on.
16:55b. He's not really the abusive type, but this is weird. I don't feel unsafe. I just need a way to diffuse things as with the amount of stress I am already under at work, it feels patently unhealthy to never have my cortisol levels return to normal. Middle-age onset mental illness? Hmm. |
Anonymous
It could be as simple as work stress, or it could be him picking fights for another reason. Sometimes partners do this when they have someone else on the side--almost as a way to reinforce that what they're doing is OK since their partner is so hard to live with. Kind of a way of justifying their choice. I'm not saying this is what it is--but since it has seemed to kind of come out of nowhere I'd be suspicious. |
Anonymous
| He sounds really unpleasant to be around and actually pretty mean. Who gets that upset about floss?? Or your daughter coming down in what he thought were PJs? He needs to absolutely figure out how to respect you and everything you do. I assume you've talked to him about his behavior already? If not, these examples are a good place to start. You can then try couples therapy. Hopefully after that he's willing to be respectful and loving towards you, because if not, you need to get out of this marriage. |
Anonymous
That sucks. No two ways about it. He needs to find a way to deal with his stress in a more productive way, if that's the cause. (I have a super stressful job, so I know what I'm talking about here.) It could be lowering testosterone (normal as you age, and can cause moodiness/grumpiness). It could be some other biochemical issue -- depression, anxiety. Both examples you give sound pretty extreme, and if they are a major change from his prior behavior, I might be looking for a medical explanation. |
Anonymous
|
I don't understand why people are so quick to justify treating someone badly with the cover of "stress".
Stress is a killer - it is horrible. All of that I get - but it doesn't excuse you and give you the right to be mean and nasty to those around you for long engaged periods. A bad day and a one-off? Yes I get that. But we're talking about over a year? It may be depression and they may need a therapist - but again, why would I have to be on the receiving end day in and day out because you are "stressed" and don't know how to communicate effectively or deal with your stress/depression? It seems unfair to me that people go around and dump on others and say "well I'm stressed out" as if that's just automatically forgivable. Sorry to derail the thread - but really. I'm sick of giving people passes for being shitty just because they can't seem to manage life. Illness/loss of job and things of that nature I get - but just on and on? I would not be able to deal with that toxic energy everyday nor would I feel like it's my duty as a spouse to keep on taking it. |
Anonymous
| Sorry OP, but it’s possible he’s having an affair. He needs to find fault with you in order to justify it and not feel guilty. It’s one of the telltale signs. |
Anonymous
if my DH said something ike that, Id say "There is nothing wrong with me at all, I'm not sure I understand the question, but if DD's wardrobe choices or drawer disorganization concern you, you are free to assume responsibility for them from now on. agree that this is bad. DH gets like this at times--but not all the time--and I call him on it and he usually apologizes. I suggest in a calm moment you have a talk. Some combination of "you seem stressed, what's wrong" and "your constant criticism is unjustified, hurtful and eroding any trust between us. If you want to end this marriage, let's do it directly. If not, then you need to figure out why this is happening, either in counseling on your own or with me." |
Anonymous
|
This is classic behavior when having an affair or planning to leave, or otherwise emotionally harm you. They either become overly nice or cruel like this. He is hoping you will leave him so he does not have to go out of his way to do it himself.
Small-minded and weak, narcissistic behavior. Easier said than done but run run run. You will be so much better off without him. |
Anonymous
| Is he having an affair? Making you the bad guy to justify it ... |
Anonymous
He sounds awful. Like he’s criticizing you for everything. Could he be having an affair? |
Anonymous
|
Add me to the affair camp.
A cheater doesn't want to think that he is a bad person, so he has to turn the betrayed spouse into someone who deserves betrayal. The spouse must be doing things wrong, or he wouldn't be cheating on her. Therefore, he will act as if she is causing all kinds of problems, and they are such a hassle to him. www.survivinginfidelity.com has a Healing Library. You can read more about this phenomenon. |
Anonymous
|
He's either spending $$$ on the sly, having an affair or thinking about it and running you down to justify his own behavior.
|