Husband has started berating me over small things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:58, seems to me you're a moron. Good luck with that! If there was ever a time in our history to thrive as one, you've certainly chosen well!

No affair. Picks up our kid from aftercare and is home with her all when I get home a couple hours later. He goes to the gym a few times a week, but I can see that that is true because the account keeps a record of card scans, purchases, etc. We work at the same institution and I see him in all the places at all the times he should be. Don't have access to his phone (nor does he to mine; the institution we work for makes us keep our phones locked to use outlook and all the other crap we need) but he doesn't seem cagey with it or anything.

HOWEVER, it does seem as though he doesn't like me anymore on a fundamental basis and I can't figure out why. I'd like to stay married because he's always been the better person, but this middle-aged bullshit that seems to have sprouted has got to go! The more I think about it, the more I think it 's a biochemical/neurological problem.

So his affair is his workout partner.

[Anonymous]

Ha! So he's gay or shtipping the one woman who takes that class who also takes my class and shit her pants once. That's some type.

[Anonymous]

I also thought affair (or planning affair) or brain tumor.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s someone who works at the gym. Or at a coffee shop he occasionally goes to. Or the checker at the supermarket. Affair partners aren’t always younger and hotter. Sometimes it’s just someone who’s flirtatious and different than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Married 11 years. One kid. I don't misplace things. In fact, I'm kind of stickler for organization. It was just a human-based accident. Shit happens.

You want another example that doesn't include misplacing things? The other day, my daughter came downstairs dressed for school in a pair of leggings that had rainbows and a long-sleeved shirt that had clouds. He said "OMG. You can't let her go to school in pajamas. What's wrong with you"? Me: "They're not pajamas. I don't know if she has time to change. It's first grade; they've seen worse". Then he proceeds to berate me while she's changing (out of earshot, fortunately) that "How is he supposed to know what's pajamas and what's not? Maybe if her drawers were organized (They are. I literally don't think he has put anything in them (since I do her laundry) nor taken anything out of them for her since she was an infant (DD can dress herself) and he was just making an angry assumption.

I mean, literally what is happening? It's insane. I think I just rolled my eyes. Insanity! Is there a hormonal thing going on? It's almost like he's being a pms-ey bitch!

There is literally nothing that's not over-the-top crazy about this incident. If this weren't a totally new behavior, I would say they are red flags for an abusive, controlling personality. But given that this is new (is it really?), then I think it needs to be addressed...but couples therapy or talking about it directly is a reasonable first step. (I don't think couples therapy is a good step for someone who is really an abuser.)

And you say in a different post that you don't feel unsafe, but I would argue that your OP is entirely about how emotionally vulnerable and unsafe you feel around him. You don't physically feel unsafe, but you are walking on eggshells to avoid being verbally attacked. That means you feel unsafe emotionally, and it's directly impacting your life and behavior. I point this out because it can be really hard to see the toxicity of this. I know there are a lot of differences, but I had a bully boss (bullying = emotional/verbal violence, I think) who picked me as her favorite target. She would yell at me in front of the whole team and also cut down my work in private. It was almost a year after leaving that position before I recognized how truly awful I felt all of the time when I worked there, how much it made me question myself, and even that no matter what excuse her behavior was totally out-of-line.

This situation is not okay and should not continue. I think you can address it with him, but if he's totally unwilling you need to find a way to get out. The fact that he was so unhappy with your first-grader's choice of clothing he made her go back and change (reasons don't matter, really, unless it's something like she put on a swimsuit and shorts in December) means that it's going to affect your DD too.