Husband has started berating me over small things

[Anonymous]

Are you taking care of his manly needs?

[Anonymous]

This isn’t normal behavior? I’ve been dealing with this on steroids, getting increasingly worse over 10 years.

Get therapy or get out, OP. It doesn’t get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t normal behavior? I’ve been dealing with this on steroids, getting increasingly worse over 10 years.

Get therapy or get out, OP. It doesn’t get better.

My husband is like this at times. It's like he's fuming mad over the most ridiculous things. There's usually something that actually set him off: he has a cold, our teenager got a bad grade, the neighbors' kids are over at the house. And then he just lashes out or gives me daggers. Kids' clothes are a trigger - one of our kids is always hot and hates to wear heavy clothes. I seriously have to regulate my HS son's wardrobe decisions to try to keep my husband from freaking out.

I'm a successful person, came from a nice happy family, and sometimes I can't believe this is happening to me. I could leave, in theory. But I don't have much confidence that would make my life easier. And when my husband isn't fuming, we get along well. As long as I don't talk about the fuming or try to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.

And no, it's not infidelity. It's angry middle-aged man syndrome (AMS) - very very common. My husband actually jokes about it when he's in an okay mood. I see it in the workplace as well. Brett Kavanaugh's testimony - that was AMS. I wish I knew the cure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Add me to the affair camp.

A cheater doesn't want to think that he is a bad person, so he has to turn the betrayed spouse into someone who deserves betrayal. The spouse must be doing things wrong, or he wouldn't be cheating on her. Therefore, he will act as if she is causing all kinds of problems, and they are such a hassle to him.

www.survivinginfidelity.com has a Healing Library. You can read more about this phenomenon.

Agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, but it’s possible he’s having an affair. He needs to find fault with you in order to justify it and not feel guilty. It’s one of the telltale signs.

+1 Are there any signs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. My husband recently gave me a list of things I do wrong. They included things like “screw lids on properly or ask for help”. I spoke to a friend about it, and she suggested that 1). I don’t take it personally. 2). He is feeling lonely and ineffective and this is his way of dealing with it. 3). Reminding him that he has no control over me, and 4). Tell him he has to talk to his AA sponsor before this can be resolved.

I liked this. The idea of forcing him to take responsibility for this, and not letting him frame the argument as how bad it is that I screwed on the jar lid incorrectly, putting me on the defensive.

Good luck!

Write a list of your own! What an a-hole. Does he really think he's such a prize that there aren't things he does that bother you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you taking care of his manly needs?

I can tell you that a guy bitching about tooth floss is definitely not getting it from me that night. What a little jerk.

[Anonymous]

OP: nice to see that your husband is finally standing up for himself. Maybe he is seeing a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: nice to see that your husband is finally standing up for himself. Maybe he is seeing a therapist.

Yes, sooo glad he's taking a stand about cloud and rainbow pajamas...oh wait, they weren't pajamas. He doesn't know jack shit and is a shitty father since he doesn't even know his own daughter's clothes. Real big man, there.

[Anonymous]

He’s having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Demonizing you to justify an affair. Oldest trick in the book.

[Anonymous]

OP: nice to see that your husband is finally standing up for himself. Maybe he is seeing a therapist.

yes, he is standing up for himself by yelling at his wife "what is wrong with you" and blaming her household management skills when his preschooler comes down in clothe he doesnt recognize, because he's never done her laundry, clothes shopping or put anything away. Yeah you go! Stand up for yourself against all those oppressive women stealing your dental floss and those stupid kids wearing rainbow leggings! That will teach them!

[Anonymous]

7:58, seems to me you're a moron. Good luck with that! If there was ever a time in our history to thrive as one, you've certainly chosen well!

No affair. Picks up our kid from aftercare and is home with her all when I get home a couple hours later. He goes to the gym a few times a week, but I can see that that is true because the account keeps a record of card scans, purchases, etc. We work at the same institution and I see him in all the places at all the times he should be. Don't have access to his phone (nor does he to mine; the institution we work for makes us keep our phones locked to use outlook and all the other crap we need) but he doesn't seem cagey with it or anything.

HOWEVER, it does seem as though he doesn't like me anymore on a fundamental basis and I can't figure out why. I'd like to stay married because he's always been the better person, but this middle-aged bullshit that seems to have sprouted has got to go! The more I think about it, the more I think it 's a biochemical/neurological problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this. My husband recently gave me a list of things I do wrong. They included things like “screw lids on properly or ask for help”. I spoke to a friend about it, and she suggested that 1). I don’t take it personally. 2). He is feeling lonely and ineffective and this is his way of dealing with it. 3). Reminding him that he has no control over me, and 4). Tell him he has to talk to his AA sponsor before this can be resolved.

I liked this. The idea of forcing him to take responsibility for this, and not letting him frame the argument as how bad it is that I screwed on the jar lid incorrectly, putting me on the defensive.

Good luck!

Really? Have you ever removed something from the fridge only to have fluid spill everywhere because your adult spouse was too slap-dash to bother to close the container properly? How about if it happens repeatedly?

Or looked for something you've provided for the house -- say, a head-lamp or micro screw drivers -- only to discover someone used it and left it in a random, utterly non-sensical place? How about if this happens weekly or more?

People trying to lead organized and efficient lives are driven crazy by this sloppy, thoughtless stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:58, seems to me you're a moron. Good luck with that! If there was ever a time in our history to thrive as one, you've certainly chosen well!

No affair. Picks up our kid from aftercare and is home with her all when I get home a couple hours later. He goes to the gym a few times a week, but I can see that that is true because the account keeps a record of card scans, purchases, etc. We work at the same institution and I see him in all the places at all the times he should be. Don't have access to his phone (nor does he to mine; the institution we work for makes us keep our phones locked to use outlook and all the other crap we need) but he doesn't seem cagey with it or anything.

HOWEVER, [b]it does seem as though he doesn't like me anymore on a fundamental basis and I can't figure out why. I'd like to stay married because he's always been the better person, but this middle-aged bullshit that seems to have sprouted has got to go! The more I think about it, the more I think it 's a biochemical/neurological problem.

Ask him. Maybe he’s struck up a friendship/has an attraction at the gym, or maybe looking at the ladies there has him wishing he was single again.