DH issue, advice please

[Anonymous]

Hi, I hope it's ok to ask for help here. I'm 32F, regular periods, doctors exam shows I should have no obvious issues conceiving. My DH is my concern. He is 35 and we are both so ready to be parents. The problem is he has ed (at least, that is what I am classifying it as) and will not go to a doctor due to embarrassment. We try and try but can't make it happen on our own. He can make it happen on his own, but not inside. He immediately "loses it" once inside. Is this classified as infertility? I've been googling and researching ways to get around this and am at a loss. He said that he feels a huge amount of pressure and it's performance anxiety. He says it will pass and that's why he won't see a doctor. We've been married for 4 years and have been trying for the last 2.5 years. It's causing an immense amount of stress. I feel like it's my fault and that I'm not doing something right even though I am willing to try anything. I just feel like it's slowly pulling us further apart and I'm not sure what to do. I'm 32 and don't want time to run out. I brought up going to the doctor and that there are ways around this (IUI) and he says that he can get past this make a baby the natural way. I haven't been on birth control for 3 years. I'm crying as I type this as I feel like my future was so bright with a wonderful husband and family to be, and now everything is falling apart more and more each day.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible he doesn't really want children? I'm sorry, OP. This sounds tough. I suggest couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

This is fairly common when there is a lot of pressure to perform. You are still pretty young. Can you tell him that you want to stop "trying" for now? Has this been an issue for the whole 2.5 years? Have you considered that maybe he doesn't actually want a child? It is not your fault!

[Anonymous]

How was your sex life for the first year and a half of your marriage, before you were TTC? Was he able to ejaculate inside of you then?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a job for Big Jim Slade!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was your sex life for the first year and a half of your marriage, before you were TTC? Was he able to ejaculate inside of you then?

+1 this is the real question

[Anonymous]

An iui us fairly straightforward and not that expensive. Also, you could try the "turkey baster" route, which is basically an insemination at home. It's not unheard of for lesbian couples with a willing donor to go this route, and I'm sure there's advice out there online on how to best go about it. Maybe he'd be open to something like that?

[Anonymous]

Wow. I would NOT have put up with this patiently for 2.5 years...not the issue itself, but the fact that he refuses to get checked out. Are you sure he wants kids?

[Anonymous]

Buy some Instead Soft Cups. Pop some sperm in there and insert.

[Anonymous]

Male/husband here: Yes, I can see why he would feel embarrassed to see a doc, but if he really wanted children, he would suck it up and seek help. I agree that stress ruins our ability to get and stay hard, but still. Does he have a stressful job? Does he mbate when you're not around?

Sorry that you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Op speaking. We had a long talk last night. He definitely wants kids, he was very emotional in speaking about it. He said that he wants to keep trying on his (our) own until the end of this year and if he can't get it to work he will see a doctor. That made me feel better, but then he said something that worried me. He said, "maybe we can watch porn to lighten the mood while we're trying" He's NEVER mentioned this before. When I questioned why on earth that would be needed he said that it often helps him. I didn't know what to say. It sounds like he's been watching it all along and it's what he's "used to". I don't know if I feel better or worse. And I don't know why porn now coming up after years of marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male/husband here: Yes, I can see why he would feel embarrassed to see a doc, but if he really wanted children, he would suck it up and seek help. I agree that stress ruins our ability to get and stay hard, but still. Does he have a stressful job? He works in education, he's a 3rd grade teacher Does he mbate when you're not around? I think yes, and I think to porn

Sorry that you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was your sex life for the first year and a half of your marriage, before you were TTC? Was he able to ejaculate inside of you then?

It was fine and yes he was, but off and on. I didn't think anything of it if he didn't finish before, he would pull out and finish, but over the years it seemed to be more often and now, it's the standard it seems

[Anonymous]

Proceed with caution. Mine took to porn during my pregnancy. No longer responded to me. After birth of child, still could not respond to me. Eventually he explored outside the marriage to see if he responded to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I would NOT have put up with this patiently for 2.5 years...not the issue itself, but the fact that he refuses to get checked out. Are you sure he wants kids?

I know, it's been challenging and it's just such a sensitive topic that if I broached it he would redirect the conversation or shut down, so I stopped bringing it up and just tried to be as patient as I could