DH issue, advice please

[Anonymous]

This is Op. Based on a physical exam by the doctor, bloodwork to check his testosterone levels and the responses to his questions. The doctor ended up asking him if he mastersates and he said yes. He was asked how often and he said everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. The doctor told him to stop doing this. We got home after the appointment and talked about it, I asked him why and when he does this (we work very similar schedules so neither of us are home alone often). He said he does it a lot after I go to bed, he gets up and watches porn, then in the morning he gets up first and watches porn. He sometimes just goes into the bathroom with his phone and watches porn. He also had been apparently subscribing to some porn website and has been spending close to $200 a month on porn. He’s going to see a sex therapist, but I honestly feel lied to and betrayed. I think my marriage is over. I haven’t talked to anyone about this. I appreciate this forum for the feedback and for allowing me to work through this in my head before I move forward and figure out what to do and how to move forward. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Proceed with caution. Mine took to porn during my pregnancy. No longer responded to me. After birth of child, still could not respond to me. Eventually he explored outside the marriage to see if he responded to someone else.

Something tells me there is more to this story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s got a porn problem. People gloss over it left and right these days but porn can destroy relationships and (real) sex drives. It’s got the same addictive effects on the brain as substances, leads to performance problems and intimacy issues. They are starting to see ED problems in young men(!) which was almost an unheard of issue in the past before easy-access internet porn became a thing. Men can’t stay aroused unless there’s porn playing, or a magazine open next to them, etc. It’s the new age scourge.

This. I never had a problem with my DH watching porn, but since he stopped our sex life and his performance issues have improved remarkably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is Op. Based on a physical exam by the doctor, bloodwork to check his testosterone levels and the responses to his questions. The doctor ended up asking him if he mastersates and he said yes. He was asked how often and he said everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. The doctor told him to stop doing this. We got home after the appointment and talked about it, I asked him why and when he does this (we work very similar schedules so neither of us are home alone often). He said he does it a lot after I go to bed, he gets up and watches porn, then in the morning he gets up first and watches porn. He sometimes just goes into the bathroom with his phone and watches porn. He also had been apparently subscribing to some porn website and has been spending close to $200 a month on porn. He’s going to see a sex therapist, but I honestly feel lied to and betrayed. I think my marriage is over. I haven’t talked to anyone about this. I appreciate this forum for the feedback and for allowing me to work through this in my head before I move forward and figure out what to do and how to move forward. Thank you.

Every man (and many women) watches porn. My DH watches porn... I think your DH does it too much. When my DH travels he does it twice a day. If he knows we won’t have sex, he might do it at home as well. Now I am pregnant and things aren’t as fun (many positions are uncomfortable and he travels to Zika countries so we have to use a condom) so he does it occasionally. I would not break up over this Op. I know it’s worst in your case, but I think he can do something about it

[Anonymous]

If he’s going to see a sex therapist then maybe this is something he wants to change.
I would recommend seeing a therapist on your own before deciding to divorce. And definitely don’t get pregnant until you’ve figured out your situation. How old are you?

[Anonymous]

He probably is masterbating at work as well.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear about this, OP. I'll pray for you and him.

[Anonymous]

I’d leave. Being in a sexless marriage is no fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is Op. Based on a physical exam by the doctor, bloodwork to check his testosterone levels and the responses to his questions. The doctor ended up asking him if he mastersates and he said yes. He was asked how often and he said everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. The doctor told him to stop doing this. We got home after the appointment and talked about it, I asked him why and when he does this (we work very similar schedules so neither of us are home alone often). He said he does it a lot after I go to bed, he gets up and watches porn, then in the morning he gets up first and watches porn. He sometimes just goes into the bathroom with his phone and watches porn. He also had been apparently subscribing to some porn website and has been spending close to $200 a month on porn. He’s going to see a sex therapist, but I honestly feel lied to and betrayed. I think my marriage is over. I haven’t talked to anyone about this. I appreciate this forum for the feedback and for allowing me to work through this in my head before I move forward and figure out what to do and how to move forward. Thank you.

Heya- I know this is difficult. I'd just want to put forward a few anecdotal things from my life. In my first marriage I got married at 21 and had no idea how to talk about sex or porn. So the fact that I found out my husband was watching a lot of porn felt like a huge betrayal that I couldn't overcome. There were a bunch of other issues in our marriage but to my sheltered-raised-catholic-self the porn felt shocking and deviant.

I watched some porn with subsequent boyfriends, especially porn made by and for women, and I found some of it arousing. My current spouse is a lot younger than me, so grew up with the internet and had been watching a lot of porn for a long time. when we first started dating he couldn't come from having sex. then, he'd only stay hard if we were doing it doggie style. gradually he stopped watching so much porn, though, and if i started with oral that would allow him to stay hard enough for face-to-face sex. Nowadays it is possible for him to be aroused enough to have sex with ejaculation without even any oral foreplay.

all of this is to say, culturally most of us haven't been given tools to talk about this. your husband probably got addicted to hard-core porn as a teen and no one ever told him that it wasn't healthy or normal or would interfere with adult human intimacy. especially the first generation to come of age with the internet-- their parents wouldnt have been able to comprehend just how much porn is out there and how bombarded their teens would be. and, of course, if religion that declares *all* masturbation bad is involved, then it's impossible for people to have the conversation that masturbating once a week is normal, masturbating three times a day is not, and the line for unhealthy is somewhere in between. if he is otherwise a good person and you have a good partnership, this *can* be worked through especially with professional help. i'm sorry you are going through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is Op. Based on a physical exam by the doctor, bloodwork to check his testosterone levels and the responses to his questions. The doctor ended up asking him if he mastersates and he said yes. He was asked how often and he said everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. The doctor told him to stop doing this. We got home after the appointment and talked about it, I asked him why and when he does this (we work very similar schedules so neither of us are home alone often). He said he does it a lot after I go to bed, he gets up and watches porn, then in the morning he gets up first and watches porn. He sometimes just goes into the bathroom with his phone and watches porn. He also had been apparently subscribing to some porn website and has been spending close to $200 a month on porn. He’s going to see a sex therapist, but I honestly feel lied to and betrayed. I think my marriage is over. I haven’t talked to anyone about this. I appreciate this forum for the feedback and for allowing me to work through this in my head before I move forward and figure out what to do and how to move forward. Thank you.

You’ll be fine once you find the right guy to marry who will happily give you the kids you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is Op. Based on a physical exam by the doctor, bloodwork to check his testosterone levels and the responses to his questions. The doctor ended up asking him if he mastersates and he said yes. He was asked how often and he said everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. The doctor told him to stop doing this. We got home after the appointment and talked about it, I asked him why and when he does this (we work very similar schedules so neither of us are home alone often). He said he does it a lot after I go to bed, he gets up and watches porn, then in the morning he gets up first and watches porn. He sometimes just goes into the bathroom with his phone and watches porn. He also had been apparently subscribing to some porn website and has been spending close to $200 a month on porn. He’s going to see a sex therapist, but I honestly feel lied to and betrayed. I think my marriage is over. I haven’t talked to anyone about this. I appreciate this forum for the feedback and for allowing me to work through this in my head before I move forward and figure out what to do and how to move forward. Thank you.

As we suspected, it's porn and masturbation. Some porn and masturbation is normal. $200 a month is kind of nuts. I think he needs to see a clinical psychologist who practices cognitive behavior therapy.

[Anonymous]

Have we affirmatively ruled out that he may be gay? I don’t think so.

[Anonymous]

I divorced my first husband over an addiction. Alcohol in his case but it was still an addiction that had taken over his life and created huge distance between us. It took me many years to figure out that I needed to leave, and during those years my ex went to AA and therapy (it helped but he continued to spiral downward). The stress on me was incredible.

Through my own support group I met many people who had partners who healed and marriages that stayed together. So I’m not preaching divorce by any stretch. I want to urge you to take steps to take care of yourself. And not the pedicure and yoga version (although go for those, too, if it helps). Give yourself space to think. See your own therapist. Sleep enough, eat well, keep your blood moving (walks and regular exercise, not time to train for a marathon). Remember at all times that your main job is to take care of yourself. Your decisions will flow from there if you listen to yourself. Hugs to you.