Neighbor kid keeps coming over to play

[Anonymous]

I had to close the door repeatedly on a very talkative, energetic and independent 5 year old, because he disrupted our home life to an unacceptable degree, through no fault of his own. I like him and I like his parents, who are very nice people but from a "let kids wander around "culture. Eventually he got it and found occupations elsewhere.

I treated another child differently a few years ago, because he was absolutely maintenance-free. He would walk in quietly, sit on the couch and listen to my daughter practice her violin. It was lovely. He would compliment her on her play, then join her in whatever she was doing. I would offer him a snack, or dinner, since he was so sweet and undemanding, but he hardly ever ate at our house and would just slip quietly away. Now they've moved and I actually miss him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Walk him home. Exchange numbers with the parents. Ask them to text before they send him over.

This. Let parents know they need to ASK prior to sending their child over. And accept when you say "now is not a good time." You don't owe any further explanation. Also say "I'm busy right now but if the kids want to play I can walk my little Larlo down to your place and drop him off."

[Anonymous]

OP I have no idea what this kid's situation is, but I had a friend whose parents offloaded her wherever they could all the time. She used to actually phone my mom when she was sick because her own mom was "too busy at work" (as a museum curator!) to pick her up from school.

This was a close friend of mine all throughout my childhood and young adulthood, and my mom tried to include her as much as possible. It didn't work, my friend turned shy and withdrawn, and finally committed suicide when she turned 30. Prior to that, she had been a straight-A student, very successful competitive tennis player, and the absolute nicest person you could know.

I hope this kid is very resilient and is able to overcome what sounds like borderline neglect from his family. Whatever you decide to do, please consider his situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have no idea what this kid's situation is, but I had a friend whose parents offloaded her wherever they could all the time. She used to actually phone my mom when she was sick because her own mom was "too busy at work" (as a museum curator!) to pick her up from school.

This was a close friend of mine all throughout my childhood and young adulthood, and my mom tried to include her as much as possible. It didn't work, my friend turned shy and withdrawn, and finally committed suicide when she turned 30. Prior to that, she had been a straight-A student, very successful competitive tennis player, and the absolute nicest person you could know.

I hope this kid is very resilient and is able to overcome what sounds like borderline neglect from his family. Whatever you decide to do, please consider his situation.

I'm sorry for your loss, pp. At the same time, your message about helping out a kid whose home life may be neglecting is fine without the gratuitous mention of the suicide. Do not put the burden on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have no idea what this kid's situation is, but I had a friend whose parents offloaded her wherever they could all the time. She used to actually phone my mom when she was sick because her own mom was "too busy at work" (as a museum curator!) to pick her up from school.

This was a close friend of mine all throughout my childhood and young adulthood, and my mom tried to include her as much as possible. It didn't work, my friend turned shy and withdrawn, and finally committed suicide when she turned 30. Prior to that, she had been a straight-A student, very successful competitive tennis player, and the absolute nicest person you could know.

I hope this kid is very resilient and is able to overcome what sounds like borderline neglect from his family. Whatever you decide to do, please consider his situation.

I'm sorry for your loss, pp. At the same time, your message about helping out a kid whose home life may be neglecting is fine without the gratuitous mention of the suicide. Do not put the burden on OP.

It's not gratuitous. Suicide happens. We should discuss it. I'm not saying this neighborhood kid is going to suffer terrible mental illness as a result of his home life, but he MIGHT. It's something to think about.

OP, or we, collectively, don't owe this kid anything, but you might think about him differently if you stop to observe instead of immediately judging.

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old does this daily - runs down a couple houses to see if a friend has time to play. If they say no or don’t answer, he comes right back. I’ve dropped him at their house on my way home many times. About half the time he meets me there because friend is busy or not home.

His friend who is a couple years older doesn’t even knock, just comes in. We are always happy to have playmates for our kids come over! Less work for me honestly.

If your kid wants a friend to come play just tell her that she has to clean up at the end? Lots of good advice on this thread to choose from.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can't establish boundaries w/a child -- who's not even your own -- I'm not sure we can help you.

Neighbor across the street had a 10AM rule on Saturdays. The parents were not happy, and expressed it, if you knocked looking to play w/their kid before 10AM. they only had to open their door once and "express" for their rule to be remembered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is totally the parents' fault. You need to have a talk with your 4 yr old that some days (or afternoons or weekends) are Family Time and not Playing With Friends Time.

Kid: Can DD Play?
You: Nope, we're busy. She might be able to play on Tuesday afternoon.
Kid: Why?
You: Because I said so. You need to go home now. Bye bye!

Kid: Hi what are you doing?
You: I don't answer questions like that from kids
Kid: Why?
You: Because I'm an adult and I don't have to
Kid: Can I have a snack?
You: You need to go home and ask your parents for a snack. We're not doing indoor playdates anymore because of the rising Covid cases (this, I'm willing to explain). But DD can't play now, so you need to go home.
Kid: can she play later?
You: No sorry, if she's playing outside tomorrow morning you can play outside with her.

Just keep setting boundaries. It's YOUR house, YOUR kid.

Yes, you sound VERY adult-like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have neighbors (and an entire street) like that. Multiple houses have kids that come out, knock on doors, and hang around to see if kids can play. When kid(s) can play, parents say yes. When kid(s) can't, we say no. It's not super difficult. We know the jam.

The main rule for all of us neighbors is that the kids stay outside. They wander from one backyard to the next. They don't go inside so no one has to clean anything up. And no kids on screens. If it's raining, they don't play together. But mainly their on swings, bikes, sandpits or whatever is outside.

Honestly, OP, it's great babysitting if you can send them outside. If love this setup. Our kids get so much unplanned, free range play. Yay, childhood.

Same here, but I think the parents dropping the kid off and taking off is the crux of the issue. And OP isn't comfortable with them playing in her yard unsupervised (although I don't think she needs to be watching the entire time, just check in every so often).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if I’m just being super uptight or if this is in the realm of normal..

I have a 4 yr old (and other children too) and our 5 yr old neighbor a few houses down will knock on our door wanting to play nearly every day. The parents will even drop him out of the car on the way home from somewhere and just keep driving home before I even open the door. He is a nice child, but sometimes I’m busy with other things and don’t want to be cleaning up after them, getting snacks, finding activities for them to do, etc. - or we need to be leaving. If I tell her my child isn’t available I got a million questions, and why not, what is he doing, when are you coming back, what are you doing tomorrow. Plus my child gets disappointed that someone came over to play and I’m saying no.

I don’t know the parents, beyond knowing one of the parents’ first names, which makes it even more bizarre. I find it pretty inconsiderate to send your child to other people’s houses, especially if you don’t know them beyond a name, and not even ask if it is a good time or if your child up for playing..something. I could see if the kids were older..but they are young to be roaming houses, I don’t let my 4 yr old do this. Plus I’m starting to get uncomfortable with indoor unmasked play dates.

The first time it happened, you should have walked him home and told parents this was not acceptable and if it happened again you would call police. Stop letting people use you.

[Anonymous]

This was how it was when I was growing up, we would just knock on neighbors' doors and ask if they could play. If the answer was no it was fine. Now the expectation is I have to text the next door neighbors when my kids want to play. So annoying. If you don't want the kid over just tell him no, we don't like people coming over to play. How hard is it to tell a 5 yo to go away.

[Anonymous]

We have this with a five year old neighbor. She is pushy and doesn't get along with my kids and everything is a big ordeal when she's here. We've tried the garden flag idea, I tried telling her parents that I work from home and their kid was ringing the doorbell a zillion times while I was on calls and my kids were at camp, everything. If I open the door, she pushes her way in. If I try to ignore the doorbell, she rings it a hundred times.

No good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have this with a five year old neighbor. She is pushy and doesn't get along with my kids and everything is a big ordeal when she's here. We've tried the garden flag idea, I tried telling her parents that I work from home and their kid was ringing the doorbell a zillion times while I was on calls and my kids were at camp, everything. If I open the door, she pushes her way in. If I try to ignore the doorbell, she rings it a hundred times.

No good advice.

How is it possible that a five-year-old can push their way past An adult?

In general I think sometimes adults feel like saying no or establishing boundaries is somehow mean or bad. It is not. You can be firm without being nasty and I think that is the approach some of you need to take with your neighbor kids. For some of your neighbor kids it might take once or twice for others it might take a little longer but I cannot imagine being intimidated or being unable to in affectively interact with a young child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have this with a five year old neighbor. She is pushy and doesn't get along with my kids and everything is a big ordeal when she's here. We've tried the garden flag idea, I tried telling her parents that I work from home and their kid was ringing the doorbell a zillion times while I was on calls and my kids were at camp, everything. If I open the door, she pushes her way in. If I try to ignore the doorbell, she rings it a hundred times.

No good advice.

How is it possible that a five-year-old can push their way past An adult?

In general I think sometimes adults feel like saying no or establishing boundaries is somehow mean or bad. It is not. You can be firm without being nasty and I think that is the approach some of you need to take with your neighbor kids. For some of your neighbor kids it might take once or twice for others it might take a little longer but I cannot imagine being intimidated or being unable to in affectively interact with a young child.

Its easy to do if you aren't interesting in touching someone else's kid, or slamming a door on her foot. There is no amount of firmness that turns this kid away. She does not care. Her parents do not care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have this with a five year old neighbor. She is pushy and doesn't get along with my kids and everything is a big ordeal when she's here. We've tried the garden flag idea, I tried telling her parents that I work from home and their kid was ringing the doorbell a zillion times while I was on calls and my kids were at camp, everything. If I open the door, she pushes her way in. If I try to ignore the doorbell, she rings it a hundred times.

No good advice.

How is it possible that a five-year-old can push their way past An adult?

In general I think sometimes adults feel like saying no or establishing boundaries is somehow mean or bad. It is not. You can be firm without being nasty and I think that is the approach some of you need to take with your neighbor kids. For some of your neighbor kids it might take once or twice for others it might take a little longer but I cannot imagine being intimidated or being unable to in affectively interact with a young child.

Its easy to do if you aren't interesting in touching someone else's kid, or slamming a door on her foot. There is no amount of firmness that turns this kid away. She does not care. Her parents do not care.

At some point you’ll have to put your hands on her shoulder and turn her right around or put your hand up to her and say stop. You can’t let this go on it’s not good for you. You might have to even you stronger language like stop coming over or stop ringing the bell or you may not come in. Let me come over and do it for you.