Neighbor kid keeps coming over to play

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if I’m just being super uptight or if this is in the realm of normal..

I have a 4 yr old (and other children too) and our 5 yr old neighbor a few houses down will knock on our door wanting to play nearly every day. The parents will even drop him out of the car on the way home from somewhere and just keep driving home before I even open the door. He is a nice child, but sometimes I’m busy with other things and don’t want to be cleaning up after them, getting snacks, finding activities for them to do, etc. - or we need to be leaving. If I tell her my child isn’t available I got a million questions, and why not, what is he doing, when are you coming back, what are you doing tomorrow. Plus my child gets disappointed that someone came over to play and I’m saying no.

I don’t know the parents, beyond knowing one of the parents’ first names, which makes it even more bizarre. I find it pretty inconsiderate to send your child to other people’s houses, especially if you don’t know them beyond a name, and not even ask if it is a good time or if your child up for playing..something. I could see if the kids were older..but they are young to be roaming houses, I don’t let my 4 yr old do this. Plus I’m starting to get uncomfortable with indoor unmasked play dates.

Send them outside. Don't do snacks, except water. Don't plan activities. They can figure out something to do. If you are leaving or have something else going on, send the kid home.

[Anonymous]

Tell him no and send him home. Better yet take him home. Give the parents your number and tell them to ask first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if I’m just being super uptight or if this is in the realm of normal..

I have a 4 yr old (and other children too) and our 5 yr old neighbor a few houses down will knock on our door wanting to play nearly every day. The parents will even drop him out of the car on the way home from somewhere and just keep driving home before I even open the door. He is a nice child, but sometimes I’m busy with other things and don’t want to be cleaning up after them, getting snacks, finding activities for them to do, etc. - or we need to be leaving. If I tell her my child isn’t available I got a million questions, and why not, what is he doing, when are you coming back, what are you doing tomorrow. Plus my child gets disappointed that someone came over to play and I’m saying no.

I don’t know the parents, beyond knowing one of the parents’ first names, which makes it even more bizarre. I find it pretty inconsiderate to send your child to other people’s houses, especially if you don’t know them beyond a name, and not even ask if it is a good time or if your child up for playing..something. I could see if the kids were older..but they are young to be roaming houses, I don’t let my 4 yr old do this. Plus I’m starting to get uncomfortable with indoor unmasked play dates.

Send them outside. Don't do snacks, except water. Don't plan activities. They can figure out something to do. If you are leaving or have something else going on, send the kid home.

If you DO want them to play +1 to ^. You don't need to do all of that. Less is more. No snacks, don't do planned activities. If you can't or don't want to babysit (because this is what it is), then you say no. If he asks a million questions don't answer them! Why not? Because I said no and it's time to go and CLOSE THE DOOR.

[Anonymous]

It would be helpful if you were able to go over to that child's house to talk about which days are good- you could set up regular playdates and tell the parents those are the only days your DC will be able to play, whether or not you prefer they're masked and if they'll only be allowed to play outside. Also, and this is the most important thing IMHO, they need to give you their information. First and last names and phone numbers of both parents are essential and not only for emergencies. If they drop the child off from their car, you will be able to call their cell and tell them to please come back and pick up their DC, that it isn't a good day for a playdate.
I think you're doing a really nice thing and it's clear you need to set up some boundries as they don't seem to have any limits. Some of these responses are overly harsh. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if I’m just being super uptight or if this is in the realm of normal..

I have a 4 yr old (and other children too) and our 5 yr old neighbor a few houses down will knock on our door wanting to play nearly every day. The parents will even drop him out of the car on the way home from somewhere and just keep driving home before I even open the door. He is a nice child, but sometimes I’m busy with other things and don’t want to be cleaning up after them, getting snacks, finding activities for them to do, etc. - or we need to be leaving. If I tell her my child isn’t available I got a million questions, and why not, what is he doing, when are you coming back, what are you doing tomorrow. Plus my child gets disappointed that someone came over to play and I’m saying no.

I don’t know the parents, beyond knowing one of the parents’ first names, which makes it even more bizarre. I find it pretty inconsiderate to send your child to other people’s houses, especially if you don’t know them beyond a name, and not even ask if it is a good time or if your child up for playing..something. I could see if the kids were older..but they are young to be roaming houses, I don’t let my 4 yr old do this. Plus I’m starting to get uncomfortable with indoor unmasked play dates.

It's completely normal. Kids play with the neighborhood kids. If you don't want the kid there, tell the parents that you prefer they call first.

I'd think you were kind of being high strung, but I'd honor it.

Are you also in the habit of dropping your kid off at stranger’s homes? Bizarre.

[Anonymous]

The parents will even drop him out of the car on the way home from somewhere and just keep driving home before I even open the door.

No, not okay. Send him home when he knocks on your door in these circumstances. No, not today. You are allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Set clear boundaries. When I lived in a townhome and had neighbors like this (it's hard to hide when your walls are connected) I got in the habit of taking my kids places and signing them up for swimming lessons (in non-pandemic times, of course). We also picnicked at the local playground, went on a hike, etc. etc. so we were gone for 2-5 hours every day doing something outside the house. Then when that kid showed up, my kids were too tired to play.

Get busy, become more unpredictable in your schedule, wear your kids out doing fun stuff elsewhere, and most of all: say "no, not today."

[Anonymous]

^^ Forgot to add: when you start making yourself absent and more unavailable, these types of parents look for another mom in the neighborhood to foist their kid on. There's always another sucker on the same street. It just won't be you anymore.

[Anonymous]

I get the annoyance of this occurring everyday, but sheesh unplanned play used to be the definition of of childhood. Not everything has to be a planned play date.

[Anonymous]

That's a tough situation. I love the garden flag idea personally. It establishes clear cut boundaries. How do this child's parents even know that you're home to host? I'm wondering if it would be possible to be less available so that they don't feel comfortable just dropping him off (not that this is your fault). Would they really be willing to risk dropping the child off if they weren't sure you were home and willing to take him/her in? I think you're being very kind by letting this child over so much to play but other families aren't free babysitters just because they are physically at home with their own kids. I know that in my family we are on the move a lot even though I don't work. I would never have time to randomly host children showing up at my door that often. It would be a lot of "Oh, nice to see you Larla. Sorry but we're leaving for the grocery store/swim class/grandma's/etc in 30 minutes and can't play today. Please ask your parents to text me to set up the next play date."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the annoyance of this occurring everyday, but sheesh unplanned play used to be the definition of of childhood. Not everything has to be a planned play date.

I was born in 1976 and never had unplanned play time with neighborhood kids. It was always a phone call to the girl around the block or down the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend growing up who did this. Now that we’re adults she’s told me what was going on in her home life and I’m appalled. And so glad my parents welcomed her to our house with open arms any time she wanted. She views my parents now as her second family, still stopping by to say hello, etc.

My DH had a family who did this too. One day when he was about 12 a second twin bed just showed up in his friends bedroom (his friend was the only boy of the family) and no one said a word about it. But that bed was always there for him for his entire life through his 20s. He could show up at 6 no warning and another plate would appear at the table and the father would ask about homework. Well now I’m tearing up and we’ve gotten a little off topic from boundary pushing 5 year olds for sure.

OP here. This is sad. I have no idea about parents or home life, but he does have siblings. It isn't the 5 year old pushing boundaries, it is more the lack of coordination and communication from parents. If they don't even have the sense to know he is over my house or ask if he can come over, how do I know someone in their house isn't feeling well, or maybe if this child has been under the weather. I feel like being 5 and in covid times, roaming the neighborhood house to house is a terrible idea.

Wait this is a little different. She's 5 and he's is their youngest? By the time you get to you last kid you are over scheduling playtime. You realize kids just play. The flag idea would probably bworknbetter in this situation. Let the kid and his parents know. They are likely just treating his relationshils the same way they now treat their older kids relationships.

I have a toddler and a late elementary. I'm close to the parents of my late elementary school kid bc he's my oldest and we went through this. By the time my younger child came along the friendships were established and I was at max capacity for new friends. While I just make my younger play with my older and his friends I can also see why the parents don't interfere in the playtime at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend growing up who did this. Now that we’re adults she’s told me what was going on in her home life and I’m appalled. And so glad my parents welcomed her to our house with open arms any time she wanted. She views my parents now as her second family, still stopping by to say hello, etc.

My DH had a family who did this too. One day when he was about 12 a second twin bed just showed up in his friends bedroom (his friend was the only boy of the family) and no one said a word about it. But that bed was always there for him for his entire life through his 20s. He could show up at 6 no warning and another plate would appear at the table and the father would ask about homework. Well now I’m tearing up and we’ve gotten a little off topic from boundary pushing 5 year olds for sure.

OP here. This is sad. I have no idea about parents or home life, but he does have siblings. It isn't the 5 year old pushing boundaries, it is more the lack of coordination and communication from parents. If they don't even have the sense to know he is over my house or ask if he can come over, how do I know someone in their house isn't feeling well, or maybe if this child has been under the weather. I feel like being 5 and in covid times, roaming the neighborhood house to house is a terrible idea.

Wait this is a little different. She's 5 and he's is their youngest? By the time you get to you last kid you are over scheduling playtime. You realize kids just play. The flag idea would probably bworknbetter in this situation. Let the kid and his parents know. They are likely just treating his relationshils the same way they now treat their older kids relationships.

I have a toddler and a late elementary. I'm close to the parents of my late elementary school kid bc he's my oldest and we went through this. By the time my younger child came along the friendships were established and I was at max capacity for new friends. While I just make my younger play with my older and his friends I can also see why the parents don't interfere in the playtime at your house.

Actually he is oldest with a toddler sibling

[Anonymous]

OP, good for you for recognizing that boundaries are being crossed. Set them now, because there’s so much more to come as your children gets older ( can you take them to practice, can you pick them up from rehearsal…the list is endless)

Do what”s best for you and your family….

[Anonymous]

OP, I do not think you are being uptight. I think it is both strange and inconsiderate. Children knocking to see if Joe can play outside, at a certain age (not 4),is normal. But parents that do not know your dropping their child off outside of your house and driving away, strange.

Next time the child comes over, I would take him back home and speak with his parents. If you don’t mind outdoor play with the child, try exchanging phone numbers or setting something up. But exposure to everyone they are involved with during COVID, and you do not know them, you are not being uptight. But please don’t be harsh with the child. This is a parent issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a tough situation. I love the garden flag idea personally. It establishes clear cut boundaries. How do this child's parents even know that you're home to host? I'm wondering if it would be possible to be less available so that they don't feel comfortable just dropping him off (not that this is your fault). Would they really be willing to risk dropping the child off if they weren't sure you were home and willing to take him/her in? I think you're being very kind by letting this child over so much to play but other families aren't free babysitters just because they are physically at home with their own kids. I know that in my family we are on the move a lot even though I don't work. I would never have time to randomly host children showing up at my door that often. It would be a lot of "Oh, nice to see you Larla. Sorry but we're leaving for the grocery store/swim class/grandma's/etc in 30 minutes and can't play today. Please ask your parents to text me to set up the next play date."

I think the garden flag idea is beyond bizarre. What if you forget to put it out or it's displaying out of date information. Just talk to the poor little kid. Or better yet, use this as an opportunity to get to know your neighbors rather than venting on an anonymous forum. You may be pleasantly surprised.