Neighbor kid keeps coming over to play

[Anonymous]

Op, is the kid an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want him to come at all? If so, one of the days that you say no, walk back and talk to his parents and tell them your kids are free on Mondays after 4, or you could give your number and ask for a call first before he comes. If you don’t want him to come at all, walk him back and tell his family that you aren’t doing play dates right now due to covid and you’ll let them know when that changes. Either way, though, you’ll have to go tell them. Since you haven’t; they assume the status quo is fine with you.

This-for a 4yo, parents should be coordinating. And it's sad/harsh if the 4yo has to take the brunt of his lazy/clueless parents' misbehavior.
I do also like the idea of a garden flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

but sometimes I’m busy with other things and don’t want to be cleaning up after them, getting snacks, finding activities for them to do, etc. - or we need to be leaving

I get that there is some parent time. But it sounds like you are over involved. Send them home for snacks. If you’re leaving send them home. They can clean up after themselves and find their own activities.

Whether it’s normal depends on your background and where you live. Normal for me and my kids. But apparently not for you. You have to decide what you want your kids’ experience to be both now and when they get older. I have been happy to be the fun house.

At ages 9 and 10 sure, but ages 4 and 5, expecting them to clean up after themselves and find their own activities is not so realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

but sometimes I’m busy with other things and don’t want to be cleaning up after them, getting snacks, finding activities for them to do, etc. - or we need to be leaving

I get that there is some parent time. But it sounds like you are over involved. Send them home for snacks. If you’re leaving send them home. They can clean up after themselves and find their own activities.

Whether it’s normal depends on your background and where you live. Normal for me and my kids. But apparently not for you. You have to decide what you want your kids’ experience to be both now and when they get older. I have been happy to be the fun house.

Me too. It’s fine with me. But I don’t let my kids go to other neighbors for this reason.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend growing up who did this. Now that we’re adults she’s told me what was going on in her home life and I’m appalled. And so glad my parents welcomed her to our house with open arms any time she wanted. She views my parents now as her second family, still stopping by to say hello, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend growing up who did this. Now that we’re adults she’s told me what was going on in her home life and I’m appalled. And so glad my parents welcomed her to our house with open arms any time she wanted. She views my parents now as her second family, still stopping by to say hello, etc.

My DH had a family who did this too. One day when he was about 12 a second twin bed just showed up in his friends bedroom (his friend was the only boy of the family) and no one said a word about it. But that bed was always there for him for his entire life through his 20s. He could show up at 6 no warning and another plate would appear at the table and the father would ask about homework. Well now I’m tearing up and we’ve gotten a little off topic from boundary pushing 5 year olds for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend growing up who did this. Now that we’re adults she’s told me what was going on in her home life and I’m appalled. And so glad my parents welcomed her to our house with open arms any time she wanted. She views my parents now as her second family, still stopping by to say hello, etc.

My DH had a family who did this too. One day when he was about 12 a second twin bed just showed up in his friends bedroom (his friend was the only boy of the family) and no one said a word about it. But that bed was always there for him for his entire life through his 20s. He could show up at 6 no warning and another plate would appear at the table and the father would ask about homework. Well now I’m tearing up and we’ve gotten a little off topic from boundary pushing 5 year olds for sure.

OP here. This is sad. I have no idea about parents or home life, but he does have siblings. It isn't the 5 year old pushing boundaries, it is more the lack of coordination and communication from parents. If they don't even have the sense to know he is over my house or ask if he can come over, how do I know someone in their house isn't feeling well, or maybe if this child has been under the weather. I feel like being 5 and in covid times, roaming the neighborhood house to house is a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is per se inconsiderate (my son and other kids in the neighborhood have gone to each other's houses without prior arrangements since they were 5 or so). The issue seems to be that, in your case, the kids don't play well enough together that it requires little supervision from you (even not being able to find things to do together on their own qualifies as an issue to me). That's ok, maybe these kids are not a great match. Send the kid home unless you have time to supervise.

[Anonymous]

I think you should switch to an outdoors-only play rule and put up the garden flag. Don't answer the door when the flag isn't up, or just do it once to explain the flag and let the child know you won't be answering going forward. Be kind, the child's persistence is a reflective of the parenting. And remember that when your child is older and able to play with less supervision, having neighborhood friends is a positive.

[Anonymous]

Say "have your parents call me next time to see if Larlo can play"

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the PPs who have raised the possibility of a non-idyllic home life. I was that kid, too, sometimes relying on friends' homes as a bit of a refuge.

But I wouldn't assume that yet, and don't let that gnaw on your conscience, OP. What sounds far more likely is that this kid likes to play and likes your kid, and his parents love being able to be like, "cool! run on down and see if Larla down the block can play! bye!"

Personally, I'd treat it like a friend who tries to keep making plans, in that it's totally fine to say "no," but at some point it's on you to propose an alternative. "Larla can't play right now, but her soccer camp is finished, so she should be available on Wednesday afternoon if you want to come by."

I'd also stop by and chat with the parents. Nothing accusatory or mean, just a friendly chat. "Hey! I know our kids love playing so I wanted to say hi and re-introduce myself!" And give them the gist of the schedule that you're willing to tolerate, too. "Billy is welcome to stop by on Wednesdays and weekend afternoons. Sometimes we have something going on, so I don't want him to take it personally if Larla can't play, but she appreciates him stopping by to check."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend growing up who did this. Now that we’re adults she’s told me what was going on in her home life and I’m appalled. And so glad my parents welcomed her to our house with open arms any time she wanted. She views my parents now as her second family, still stopping by to say hello, etc.

My DH had a family who did this too. One day when he was about 12 a second twin bed just showed up in his friends bedroom (his friend was the only boy of the family) and no one said a word about it. But that bed was always there for him for his entire life through his 20s. He could show up at 6 no warning and another plate would appear at the table and the father would ask about homework. Well now I’m tearing up and we’ve gotten a little off topic from boundary pushing 5 year olds for sure.

OP here. This is sad. I have no idea about parents or home life, but he does have siblings. It isn't the 5 year old pushing boundaries, it is more the lack of coordination and communication from parents. If they don't even have the sense to know he is over my house or ask if he can come over, how do I know someone in their house isn't feeling well, or maybe if this child has been under the weather. I feel like being 5 and in covid times, roaming the neighborhood house to house is a terrible idea.

I have no idea if this is a “home-life” situation or not but god help us if we’ve let a illness that *does*not*severely*affect*children* allow us an excuse to forego compassion on kids. This is demented history-books kind of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Why not ask the parents over for coffee and talk though your expectations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend growing up who did this. Now that we’re adults she’s told me what was going on in her home life and I’m appalled. And so glad my parents welcomed her to our house with open arms any time she wanted. She views my parents now as her second family, still stopping by to say hello, etc.

My DH had a family who did this too. One day when he was about 12 a second twin bed just showed up in his friends bedroom (his friend was the only boy of the family) and no one said a word about it. But that bed was always there for him for his entire life through his 20s. He could show up at 6 no warning and another plate would appear at the table and the father would ask about homework. Well now I’m tearing up and we’ve gotten a little off topic from boundary pushing 5 year olds for sure.

OP here. This is sad. I have no idea about parents or home life, but he does have siblings. It isn't the 5 year old pushing boundaries, it is more the lack of coordination and communication from parents. If they don't even have the sense to know he is over my house or ask if he can come over, how do I know someone in their house isn't feeling well, or maybe if this child has been under the weather. I feel like being 5 and in covid times, roaming the neighborhood house to house is a terrible idea.

I have no idea if this is a “home-life” situation or not but god help us if we’ve let a illness that *does*not*severely*affect*children* allow us an excuse to forego compassion on kids. This is demented history-books kind of thinking.

Regardless of your opinion on covid, if your child is exposed or gets it, it isn’t “no big deal.” Even in bast case scenario, it is a huge inconvenience as now they cannot go to school, camps, activities for 2 weeks and have to quarantine. And that is assuming they don’t get very sick...which they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if I’m just being super uptight or if this is in the realm of normal..

I have a 4 yr old (and other children too) and our 5 yr old neighbor a few houses down will knock on our door wanting to play nearly every day. The parents will even drop him out of the car on the way home from somewhere and just keep driving home before I even open the door. He is a nice child, but sometimes I’m busy with other things and don’t want to be cleaning up after them, getting snacks, finding activities for them to do, etc. - or we need to be leaving. If I tell her my child isn’t available I got a million questions, and why not, what is he doing, when are you coming back, what are you doing tomorrow. Plus my child gets disappointed that someone came over to play and I’m saying no.

I don’t know the parents, beyond knowing one of the parents’ first names, which makes it even more bizarre. I find it pretty inconsiderate to send your child to other people’s houses, especially if you don’t know them beyond a name, and not even ask if it is a good time or if your child up for playing..something. I could see if the kids were older..but they are young to be roaming houses, I don’t let my 4 yr old do this. Plus I’m starting to get uncomfortable with indoor unmasked play dates.

It's completely normal. Kids play with the neighborhood kids. If you don't want the kid there, tell the parents that you prefer they call first.

I'd think you were kind of being high strung, but I'd honor it.