I seemed to have missed the memo to "marry rich"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. My family is not like this, but I have friends who are. Honestly, I don’t care who people marry or what the prioritize when they look for a mate. None of my business.

What is my business is when some of these women who married rich on purpose want to lecture me or anyone about feminism. Do what you want ladies, but hitching your wagon to some rich guy so that you don’t have to worry about money is not a feminist choice. It perpetuates a lot of structures that hold women back. Oh, and if that dude is white and you’re white and your kids are white… congrats, you are also helping perpetuate white supremacy. So maybe to e down the Facebook posts about what a devout feminist you are?

None of it is your business. Who people marry, their views on feminism…not your business. Nothing about this promotes white supremacy either. Your should really try to become a more intelligent person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a feminist and marrying someone rich are not mutually exclusive.

Being self-sufficinent and marrying someone rich are not mutually exclusive.

Yeah leave us SAHM’s (by choice it’s a joy!) with well to do husbands alone. Sorry I’m happy AF. (And so is he

[Anonymous]

If you can't make it, marry it. That's seems pretty progressive to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM mom to a high earner (whom I married when we were in college) but it was a total fluke. I dated lots of men who never had high earning potential and was even engaged to one of them.

I never wanted to be a SAHM but then health issues made working really hard for me, and DH never wanted to be a big law partner, but he found that the work really suits his abilities.

I am so glad I didn't try to marry for money. My husband is awesome.

I’m sorry you married a lawyer. Him being wealthy is hardly a shock. Most lawyers are in it for the money, let’s be real. You would have known early own if he was planning to be a hair shirt environmental or law enforcement lawyer, and I’m sure you would have bailed.

Are you under the impression that most lawyers earn lots of money? They typically don’t. Median is like 120. Solid but that’s about it. DH and I knew this when he applied to law school so we definitely didn’t imagine he would ever hit his current salary (575). Plus, he started in 2009, right as all my friends were losing jobs and offers. He didn’t go to a top law school so he was just hoping for a decent-paying job.

Your comment is just obnoxious so I probably shoot just ignore it but I do think that my experience shows that it’s all just luck unless you’re born into wealth.

Also I was (or am, I suppose) a lawyer too so you should feel at least as sorry for my husband.

This is freaking tone deaf. First off, your median includes those hair shirt mission lawyers, public defenders, and DA.

Second, that’s more then a pediatrician earns.

Finally, all those “poor” big law refugees going Fed end up at non supv GS15, hardly a teachers salary.

You KNEW that marrying lawyer had a median chance of being quite comfortable, and good chance of being more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I NT don’t think you missed the memo. You have to fit in with that crowd to begin with. They must likely know each other or are friends of friends through private school and frats and vacationing in the same places. It’s not like Jordyn from po dunk western PA is going to fit in with the hedge fund crowd that grew up in Darien.

if Jordyn goes to Swathmore or Amherst and makes friends and then moves to NYC or Boston or San Francisco, they will. Likewise, the UMC kid going to Rye Country day who flunks out of some random SEC school isn't going to be doing much mingling with young professionals for long unless his parents underwrite his existence

Haha. No. Because she you can date and F rich guys, but once he goes and visit her folks some Thanksgiving, and imagines the wedding reception, the long game is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For real. I make 3x as much as my husband. We're happy but I'd love to quit my job and volunteer at the school and stuff. I've honestly decided that I'm going to talk to my girls about this when they get older. They need to marry someone that allows them to have options.

volunteer at what? Kindergarten or middle/high school?

Go sit on the HS fund board or something, meets at 7am coffee breakfast before heading in to the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh look another hypergamy thread! Yeah all the cool girls are doing it!

+1, I swear these threads pop up every few months and it's annoying. FWIW, I'm a highly educated attorney and in my circle, there is literally only 1 SAHM married to a high earner. The rest are high earners themselves (i.e. biglaw partners), Feds, tenured law professors, or in house. In fact, at my 15 year law school reunion a few years ago, almost every single woman was still working, the vast majority in a full time capacity, and many of them outearned their husbands (including a few with SAHDs). I went to a "top" law school, so maybe that's why, but this phenomenon just hasn't played out in my friend circle. AFM, I work full time, make 300K+, and while my DH makes slightly more, I never even contemplated quitting to be a SAHM. Different strokes.

Absolutely this -- describes our social circle as well and same re top law schools. We earn less than your HHI by choice. But we and all our friends are dual income families even with little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM mom to a high earner (whom I married when we were in college) but it was a total fluke. I dated lots of men who never had high earning potential and was even engaged to one of them.

I never wanted to be a SAHM but then health issues made working really hard for me, and DH never wanted to be a big law partner, but he found that the work really suits his abilities.

I am so glad I didn't try to marry for money. My husband is awesome.

I’m sorry you married a lawyer. Him being wealthy is hardly a shock. Most lawyers are in it for the money, let’s be real. You would have known early own if he was planning to be a hair shirt environmental or law enforcement lawyer, and I’m sure you would have bailed.

Are you under the impression that most lawyers earn lots of money? They typically don’t. Median is like 120. Solid but that’s about it. DH and I knew this when he applied to law school so we definitely didn’t imagine he would ever hit his current salary (575). Plus, he started in 2009, right as all my friends were losing jobs and offers. He didn’t go to a top law school so he was just hoping for a decent-paying job.

Your comment is just obnoxious so I probably shoot just ignore it but I do think that my experience shows that it’s all just luck unless you’re born into wealth.

Also I was (or am, I suppose) a lawyer too so you should feel at least as sorry for my husband.

This is freaking tone deaf. First off, your median includes those hair shirt mission lawyers, public defenders, and DA.

Second, that’s more then a pediatrician earns.

Finally, all those “poor” big law refugees going Fed end up at non supv GS15, hardly a teachers salary.

You KNEW that marrying lawyer had a median chance of being quite comfortable, and good chance of being more.

First, we married when he was in undergrad, before he had even decided to go to law school. Second, I was a prosecutor and then a public defender. Those were my attorney peers, not big law. So of course median includes the salary I made. This is not news to me. Third, if somebody is marrying for money, it’s a terrible idea to pick a spouse who is in school to get a job where half the graduates make less than 120K. To me that’s marrying for stability, but the kind of money the OP is talking about.

So if you are hell bent on proving that I married for money you can just take a break from the internet because it’s not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

How did you miss the memo? Of course everyone should “marry rich” regardless of your own career aspirations. It isn’t the only quality to look for, but it is important. Rich and poor and everything in between get divorced. Money doesn’t mean happy marriage but it makes everything easier

[Anonymous]

My grandmother told me when I was like 10 (and many times after) “it’s just as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor one.”

My mom (her daughter) dropped out of college and married someone blue collar and my parents always struggled. I made up my mind early I wasn’t doing that. We aren’t rich, but are more than comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. My family is not like this, but I have friends who are. Honestly, I don’t care who people marry or what the prioritize when they look for a mate. None of my business.

What is my business is when some of these women who married rich on purpose want to lecture me or anyone about feminism. Do what you want ladies, but hitching your wagon to some rich guy so that you don’t have to worry about money is not a feminist choice. It perpetuates a lot of structures that hold women back. Oh, and if that dude is white and you’re white and your kids are white… congrats, you are also helping perpetuate white supremacy. So maybe to e down the Facebook posts about what a devout feminist you are?

None of it is your business. Who people marry, their views on feminism…not your business. Nothing about this promotes white supremacy either. Your should really try to become a more intelligent person.

1) Feminism is political, and politics are everyone's business.
2) Anyone who goes around being vocal about their views on feminism should be ready to account for their own choices, but especially wealthy white women. It is so common for rich white laides to be very ra-ra feminist when they want people to be nice to them or they want to claim victimhood.

The person who quote Mikki Kendall upthread is spot on. You can claim you're a feminist all you want, but if your entire lifestyle and the well being of your children relies on your white husband's high income and the cheap labor of women of color, your feminism is nothing but a social media brand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somebody mentioned race above and it reminded me of one of my favorite books on feminism: Mikki Kendal’s Hood Feminism. This is in the intro, just giving background about the author, but I love these quotes.

“ Feminism

“My grandmother would not have described herself as a feminist. Born in 1924, after white women won the right to vote, but raised in the height of Jim Crow America, she did not think of white women as allies or sisters. She held firmly to her belief in certain gender roles, and had no patience for debates over whether women should work when that conversation arose after World War II. She always worked, like her foremothers before her, and when my grandfather wanted her to stop working outside their home, and let him be the primary breadwinner, well, that seemed like the most logical thing in the world to her. Because she was tired, and working at home to care for their children was no different to her from working outside the home. To her mind, all women had to work. It was just a question of how much, and where you were doing it.”

And then a little later:


“She taught me that being able to survive, to take care of myself and those I loved, was arguably more important than being concerned with respectability. Feminism as defined by the priorities of white women hinged on the availability of cheap labor in the home from women of color. Going into a white woman’s kitchen did nothing to help other women. Those jobs had always been available, always paid poorly, always been dangerous. Freedom was not to be found in doing the same labor with a thin veneer of access to opportunities that would most likely never come. A better deal for white women could not be, would not be, the road to freedom for Black women.”

— Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot by Mikki Kendall

+1 to ALL of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. My family is not like this, but I have friends who are. Honestly, I don’t care who people marry or what the prioritize when they look for a mate. None of my business.

What is my business is when some of these women who married rich on purpose want to lecture me or anyone about feminism. Do what you want ladies, but hitching your wagon to some rich guy so that you don’t have to worry about money is not a feminist choice. It perpetuates a lot of structures that hold women back. Oh, and if that dude is white and you’re white and your kids are white… congrats, you are also helping perpetuate white supremacy. So maybe to e down the Facebook posts about what a devout feminist you are?

None of it is your business. Who people marry, their views on feminism…not your business. Nothing about this promotes white supremacy either. Your should really try to become a more intelligent person.

1) Feminism is political, and politics are everyone's business.
2) Anyone who goes around being vocal about their views on feminism should be ready to account for their own choices, but especially wealthy white women. It is so common for rich white laides to be very ra-ra feminist when they want people to be nice to them or they want to claim victimhood.

The person who quote Mikki Kendall upthread is spot on. You can claim you're a feminist all you want, but if your entire lifestyle and the well being of your children relies on your white husband's high income and the cheap labor of women of color, your feminism is nothing but a social media brand.

I’m sure you’re a barrel of fun to listen to at parties and other social gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every woman I know, in my immediate family and friends has married someone who makes substantially more than her. As a result, many years in, she lives a wonderful life where she is financially better off even if she is not working or a SAHM.

It can't really be a coincidence that...everyone I know did this. I would have had no idea how to, as I never screened dates for how much money they made or something.

Whatever happed to feminism and self-sufficiency?

When you marry for money, you earn every nickel.

You be your independent self. Don't worry about what other women do, or have to do. Do find some more friends on your level though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. My family is not like this, but I have friends who are. Honestly, I don’t care who people marry or what the prioritize when they look for a mate. None of my business.

What is my business is when some of these women who married rich on purpose want to lecture me or anyone about feminism. Do what you want ladies, but hitching your wagon to some rich guy so that you don’t have to worry about money is not a feminist choice. It perpetuates a lot of structures that hold women back. Oh, and if that dude is white and you’re white and your kids are white… congrats, you are also helping perpetuate white supremacy. So maybe to e down the Facebook posts about what a devout feminist you are?

None of it is your business. Who people marry, their views on feminism…not your business. Nothing about this promotes white supremacy either. Your should really try to become a more intelligent person.

1) Feminism is political, and politics are everyone's business.
2) Anyone who goes around being vocal about their views on feminism should be ready to account for their own choices, but especially wealthy white women. It is so common for rich white laides to be very ra-ra feminist when they want people to be nice to them or they want to claim victimhood.

The person who quote Mikki Kendall upthread is spot on. You can claim you're a feminist all you want, but if your entire lifestyle and the well being of your children relies on your white husband's high income and the cheap labor of women of color, your feminism is nothing but a social media brand.

I’m sure you’re a barrel of fun to listen to at parties and other social gatherings.

Ohhh, the PP hit a sensitive spot lol.