I seemed to have missed the memo to "marry rich"

[Anonymous]

Every woman I know, in my immediate family and friends has married someone who makes substantially more than her. As a result, many years in, she lives a wonderful life where she is financially better off even if she is not working or a SAHM.

It can't really be a coincidence that...everyone I know did this. I would have had no idea how to, as I never screened dates for how much money they made or something.

Whatever happed to feminism and self-sufficiency?

[Anonymous]

Why do you only know people like this? Maybe you need to broaden your social circle.

[Anonymous]

I was out of college working and a woman in the cube next to me was talking all day everyday about her investment banker boyfriend and his lavish gifts and dinners.
I said girl I’m going to get me one of those. And I did. Like you, my mom never told me what was up. Thank goodness for that gold digger years ago that showed me the way.

[Anonymous]

I didn't marry rich, and still, many years in, I live a wonderful life where I am financially better off even if I am not working.

Still I chose to work, contribute to our HHI, which enables my spouse to also be financially better off. Maybe you need a bigger circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every woman I know, in my immediate family and friends has married someone who makes substantially more than her. As a result, many years in, she lives a wonderful life where she is financially better off even if she is not working or a SAHM.

It can't really be a coincidence that...everyone I know did this. I would have had no idea how to, as I never screened dates for how much money they made or something.

Whatever happed to feminism and self-sufficiency?

I am a self sufficient feminist and my husband also does quite well. The fact is that two sources of income are generally better than one. Most of the couples I know are like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was out of college working and a woman in the cube next to me was talking all day everyday about her investment banker boyfriend and his lavish gifts and dinners.
I said girl I’m going to get me one of those. And I did. Like you, my mom never told me what was up. Thank goodness for that gold digger years ago that showed me the way.

I am pretty surprised to hear self described feminist women brag about husband or boyfriends who have food jobs or how much they spent on their engagement rings.

I really naively thought we were beyond this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. My family is not like this, but I have friends who are. Honestly, I don’t care who people marry or what the prioritize when they look for a mate. None of my business.

What is my business is when some of these women who married rich on purpose want to lecture me or anyone about feminism. Do what you want ladies, but hitching your wagon to some rich guy so that you don’t have to worry about money is not a feminist choice. It perpetuates a lot of structures that hold women back. Oh, and if that dude is white and you’re white and your kids are white… congrats, you are also helping perpetuate white supremacy. So maybe to e down the Facebook posts about what a devout feminist you are?

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM mom to a high earner (whom I married when we were in college) but it was a total fluke. I dated lots of men who never had high earning potential and was even engaged to one of them.

I never wanted to be a SAHM but then health issues made working really hard for me, and DH never wanted to be a big law partner, but he found that the work really suits his abilities.

I am so glad I didn't try to marry for money. My husband is awesome.

[Anonymous]

I was the same way, OP. My friends and I would date pretty typical guys: engineers, teachers, project managers. Then suddenly they all started dating hedge fund dudes and lawyers and within a year they were engaged and whisked away into rich people life. I’ve since made new friends but it really did seem like they got a memo that I didn’t!

[Anonymous]

I met DH in grad school. On paper, I probably had higher earning potential just based on prestige of schools. But life happened. I made some choices like not taking the low work-life balance job that paid extremely well, and I do feel that I have hit a glass ceiling professionally even in the roles I have taken. In addition, DH graduated about a year before me, which meant he established his career first, and I sort of needed to fit around that (sort of, because we could have made other choices, but that's how it worked out).

I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of well-educated, self-sufficient, feminist women are like me.

[Anonymous]

Oh look another hypergamy thread! Yeah all the cool girls are doing it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman I know, in my immediate family and friends has married someone who makes substantially more than her. As a result, many years in, she lives a wonderful life where she is financially better off even if she is not working or a SAHM.

It can't really be a coincidence that...everyone I know did this. I would have had no idea how to, as I never screened dates for how much money they made or something.

Whatever happed to feminism and self-sufficiency?

I am a self sufficient feminist and my husband also does quite well. The fact is that two sources of income are generally better than one. Most of the couples I know are like this.

Same here. I married the guy I met in my graduate program. We were both dirt poor at that time. We are in our early 40s now and while not really rich, I think we are doing more than fine with our combined ~500k income. I would be miserable as a SAHM plus I hate to be dependent, so I really do not feel like I am missing out by not marrying someone who could make the 500k himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh look another hypergamy thread! Yeah all the cool girls are doing it!

+1, I swear these threads pop up every few months and it's annoying. FWIW, I'm a highly educated attorney and in my circle, there is literally only 1 SAHM married to a high earner. The rest are high earners themselves (i.e. biglaw partners), Feds, tenured law professors, or in house. In fact, at my 15 year law school reunion a few years ago, almost every single woman was still working, the vast majority in a full time capacity, and many of them outearned their husbands (including a few with SAHDs). I went to a "top" law school, so maybe that's why, but this phenomenon just hasn't played out in my friend circle. AFM, I work full time, make 300K+, and while my DH makes slightly more, I never even contemplated quitting to be a SAHM. Different strokes.

[Anonymous]

I didn't marry rich. When we met we were both college students and right out of college I actually made $5k more than my then BF. 25 years in he makes 7x as much as I do. (I am in education, so I work because I love it and it helps me mentally.)

My advice to my DD is "just go with the flow and follow your dreams. Chances are on the way you will meet and fall in love with someone who has the same drive and goals as you do. You both can grow and reach your dreams together. If that dream for him is to be rich and for you to take it easy, you may end up like your dad and me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every woman I know, in my immediate family and friends has married someone who makes substantially more than her. As a result, many years in, she lives a wonderful life where she is financially better off even if she is not working or a SAHM.

It can't really be a coincidence that...everyone I know did this. I would have had no idea how to, as I never screened dates for how much money they made or something.

Whatever happed to feminism and self-sufficiency?

LOL, wow. Did they choose their mate based on income? Or is that just what you assume because you are petty and jealous and insecure?

My DH makes a decent amount and I SAH for 8 years. When we met he was in grad school and I paid for most dates until he moved in and then I paid for everything: rent, utilities, trips, all of it for 4 years. I had no idea if he'd even get a job when he was done or if it would be high-paying because he had other ambitions. But I married him because I love him and it's a happy accident he makes lots of money. Am I not a feminist according to you? Am I not self sufficient because I am taking advantage of our privilege to live my life the way we choose? WTH, OP.