Parents raised red flag about S/O...

[Anonymous]

I recently divorced an alcoholic who could have fit your description of your boyfriend when we met in our mid 20s. In hindsight, his drinking was always a coping mechanism but it only got really bad when we had our first child and I was not available to keep him happy all the time. It has been a disastrous 15 years, with multiple rehabs, hospitalizations, traumatized children and more.

I am in no way saying that this describes your boyfriend, but your parents have done you a favor by asking you to take a close look at this. I highly recommend you do it, perhaps in the presence of a counselor with substance abuse expertise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume that the non-drinking hosts did not continue offering him beers, and I assume he did not walk in the door with a six pack, so how did he get his hands on 4-5 beers. Did you bring it for him in your purse? Or did your boyfriend rummage through their fridge and help himself? Beer run in the middle of dinner?

This was at a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that the non-drinking hosts did not continue offering him beers, and I assume he did not walk in the door with a six pack, so how did he get his hands on 4-5 beers. Did you bring it for him in your purse? Or did your boyfriend rummage through their fridge and help himself? Beer run in the middle of dinner?

This was at a restaurant.

Op you said it was the third time they met him but you’ve been dating for a long time. How long ago was this dinner? How has he acted/ handled himself at other occasions? If they have two episodes to point to in three years, let’s say two for how long it took to introduce him, and one was a sporting event that seems pretty flimsy evidence on their part

[Anonymous]

There are a LOT of alcoholics in both sides of my family, but your boyfriend isn’t raising any red flags with me. He is able to hold down a job, isn’t angry when he drinks, doesn’t drive after drinking, doesn’t drink alone…he sounds like every guy I knew in my 20s. Beer doesn’t have that much alcohol, 5 beers for a 185 pound guy over the course of why was probably a long dinner, maybe it was outside someplace warm? It sounds a lucky tacky since your parents clearly have their own issues with alcohol, but it seems pretty normal to me.

DH and I used to drink a lot when we were in our 20s before kids. 40s with 3 kids and we don’t really drink much anymore. DH will have a few beers while manning the grill on the weekends when we have friends over, I have wine nights with the neighborhood moms, and occasionally we will get a sitter and an uber for date nights, but the drinking has mostly gone away. Even friends who were a total mess managed to pull it together in their 30s - the types that puked in alleys, lost phones all over the place, falling down drunk on weekends…they are all married professionals with jobs and kids now.

[Anonymous]

4-5 beers in one sitting would concern me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

+1. You should be looking into facts instead of advice from random strangers. And don’t be mad at your parents.

+2. Go with the facts. Everyone will say their drinking/or lack of was the best scenario. Almost no one will they were a hot mess express having 4-5 beers and it was a problem nor will they say their 1-2 beers made them a teetotaler prude and looking back they should have had 4-5 beers - whatever choice made for themselves is the “right choice” so reading what the experts say is more objective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a LOT of alcoholics in both sides of my family, but your boyfriend isn’t raising any red flags with me. He is able to hold down a job, isn’t angry when he drinks, doesn’t drive after drinking, doesn’t drink alone…he sounds like every guy I knew in my 20s. Beer doesn’t have that much alcohol, 5 beers for a 185 pound guy over the course of why was probably a long dinner, maybe it was outside someplace warm? It sounds a lucky tacky since your parents clearly have their own issues with alcohol, but it seems pretty normal to me.

DH and I used to drink a lot when we were in our 20s before kids. 40s with 3 kids and we don’t really drink much anymore. DH will have a few beers while manning the grill on the weekends when we have friends over, I have wine nights with the neighborhood moms, and occasionally we will get a sitter and an uber for date nights, but the drinking has mostly gone away. Even friends who were a total mess managed to pull it together in their 30s - the types that puked in alleys, lost phones all over the place, falling down drunk on weekends…they are all married professionals with jobs and kids now.

This makes me feel better, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a LOT of alcoholics in both sides of my family, but your boyfriend isn’t raising any red flags with me. He is able to hold down a job, isn’t angry when he drinks, doesn’t drive after drinking, doesn’t drink alone…he sounds like every guy I knew in my 20s. Beer doesn’t have that much alcohol, 5 beers for a 185 pound guy over the course of why was probably a long dinner, maybe it was outside someplace warm? It sounds a lucky tacky since your parents clearly have their own issues with alcohol, but it seems pretty normal to me.

DH and I used to drink a lot when we were in our 20s before kids. 40s with 3 kids and we don’t really drink much anymore. DH will have a few beers while manning the grill on the weekends when we have friends over, I have wine nights with the neighborhood moms, and occasionally we will get a sitter and an uber for date nights, but the drinking has mostly gone away. Even friends who were a total mess managed to pull it together in their 30s - the types that puked in alleys, lost phones all over the place, falling down drunk on weekends…they are all married professionals with jobs and kids now.

This makes me feel better, thank you.

Of course, it makes you feel better, it's telling you what you want to here. But pp is a problem drinker according to the experts. Both problem drinkers and alcoholics can pull it together and hold down jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a LOT of alcoholics in both sides of my family, but your boyfriend isn’t raising any red flags with me. He is able to hold down a job, isn’t angry when he drinks, doesn’t drive after drinking, doesn’t drink alone…he sounds like every guy I knew in my 20s.

My grandfather was a happy drunk who held down a job, wasn't angry when he drank (except for those few times that he terrorized his kids), didn't drive after drinking (making other people in his life be his designated driver), didn't drink alone... He even quit for a few years along the way. Sadly, I don't remember him, because he died young of alcoholism.

OP, you said you were already concerned about his drinking. If I were you, I would go to Al-Anon. There's a quiz to take to take to see if it would be helpful to you: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

Good luck OP. I wish you the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

Op was it really just two events over a long time? I asked above, wondering why this specifically you won’t answer. Two times over the course of years seems like your parents being crazy and picky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

Op was it really just two events over a long time? I asked above, wondering why this specifically you won’t answer. Two times over the course of years seems like your parents being crazy and picky

I'm sorry, it was not intentional. You're correct!

[Anonymous]

OP, how many days per week does your BF drink, what’s his average consumption, and what are the extremes?