Parents raised red flag about S/O...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your parents. You are blinded by love and can't see straight. It's easier for him to turn abusive than stop drinking. Him being not abusive today doesn't mean it won't start tomorrow. Address the issue before you move forward. And thank your parents.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is it fixable though? I don’t even know how to confront it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They know that people from families with alcoholics are likely to marry alcoholics.

4-5 drinks at an Irish wedding isn’t much. But at a dinner with fiancée’s parents where no one else is? Definitely questionable.

Absolutely this. Someone drinking 4-5 beers when everyone else is either not drinking or having a single glass of wine is noticeable. Being able to read a room and act accordingly is an important life skill. It sounds like this is not a one-off occurrence, so he is either disinclined or unable to moderate his drinking depending on the setting – both are potentially problematic.

And OP recognizes that he drinks too much, but isn't seeing any repercussions now. I also wonder if OP's parents think she drinks too much, too?

[Anonymous]

I think your parents have given you a gift (especially assuming they drop it now that they've said their piece).

You have similar concerns. So, it's time to take a serious look at your boyfriend's drinking, and make an educated assessment of whether or not he has a problem. Here's what I'd be looking for:

1) Does he ever sneak drinks or try to hide/downplay his drinking?
2) Does he say he's not going to drink, or only have one or two drinks, but end up drunk anyway?
3) How much is alcohol part of his routine? Does his drinking ebb and flow with special events, or just his general preferences? (healthier, IMO) Or are there situations where he ALWAYS drinks that are a routine part of life (ex: does he always have to drink if he's upset about something?)
4) What's his total amount of drinking? In a typical month, how much is he drinking?
5) If you ask him about his drinking, or express concern, how does he respond? Thoughtfully or dismissively (oh, nah, I never worry about it) might both be okay - but angrily or defensively would be a big problem.

Do some research, maybe even talk to someone who specializes in alcohol issues. It's worth figuring out if he's just a 20/30 something who likes his boozy young adult life, or whether he's on a path to a problem, and I think there are well established signs that will help you tease out the difference.

FWIW, 4-5 drinks when those around him are not drinking at all is a red flag to me, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your parents. You are blinded by love and can't see straight. It's easier for him to turn abusive than stop drinking. Him being not abusive today doesn't mean it won't start tomorrow. Address the issue before you move forward. And thank your parents.

This is a tough one. On the one hand it sounds like there is no real problem. On the other hand 4-5 beers when no one else is drinking. 4-5 drinks at dinner at my family would be more than others but only by a drink or two. But with people that do not drink? Social cues are being missed. My DW's family did not drink at all and I never had a drink at dinner at their house or somewhere else. Seems the real issue is the missed social cues.

To the poster above that brings abuse in, what are you talking about? What you say is true but it would apply to anyone. Thanks Captain Obvious.

[Anonymous]

Even a single drink is too many, if he is an alcoholic.

This is basic AA, 101.

[Anonymous]

My fiancé had a drinking problem when we met. I didn’t think it was a problem initially since he only drank wine or beer weekends or evenings and was never aggressive or embarrassing. However, with time it became clear he had a problem and we both talked about it. It took time but we started doing dry January and then started substituting tea at night for wine. We did it together and both felt healthier. You should have that conversation as your suggested and see where it goes from there. I too was concerned about marrying him but since he’s acknowledged it was a problem and had shown he can go months without alcohol, I feel like it’s no longer a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your parents. You are blinded by love and can't see straight. It's easier for him to turn abusive than stop drinking. Him being not abusive today doesn't mean it won't start tomorrow. Address the issue before you move forward. And thank your parents.

This is a tough one. On the one hand it sounds like there is no real problem. On the other hand 4-5 beers when no one else is drinking. 4-5 drinks at dinner at my family would be more than others but only by a drink or two. But with people that do not drink? Social cues are being missed. My DW's family did not drink at all and I never had a drink at dinner at their house or somewhere else. Seems the real issue is the missed social cues.

To the poster above that brings abuse in, what are you talking about? What you say is true but it would apply to anyone. Thanks Captain Obvious.

Don't be an idiot. Read OP. OP introduced "abuse" (or lack thereof) in her post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not consider this excessive drinking. 4-5 beers socially at once is not a big deal in my opinion as long as that is not several days a week. My ex would occasionally have 5-8 socially but never drank otherwise. Not even at home. Not an issue. Occasional tipsy-ness is ok.

+1 My husband and I were big drinkers in our 20s and 30s. 4-5 drinks with each other, or our friends, or even his family wouldn’t have been a big deal. But her never, ever would have consumed that much around my teetotaling family.

[Anonymous]

I can see both sides. My family and my inlaws don't drink. And so they think someone drinking "omg half a bottle!" of wine to be a huge deal, when really it's just 2 glasses. Their lack of alcohol makes holidays feel un-celebratory sometimes. Like no champagne on NYE, no margarita/beer/rose on the 4th of July and no wine with a lovely Christmas dinner. I don't drink to excess but it's kind of boring. Some people also drink a bit more to put up with inlaws (or in your case, future inlaws).

But I will say that drinking goes way up when you have kids and a million stressors in your 30s. It's hard to imagine when you're single and live in apartments how much stress there is. I would watch your boyfriend and stop going to events with drinking. Can he deal with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it fixable though? I don’t even know how to confront it.

If he's interested in fixing it, then it's probably fixable. "I'm concerned about how much you drink. If you continue drinking as much as you do, although I love you, I won't want to continue moving forward in this relationship. You drank twice as much as everyone else at my Aunt Susan's dinner. You drink multiple nights each week, and drink more than most people when you DO drink. Are you open to dialing back, permanently?"

[Anonymous]

Don't be mad at your parents for raising what is a potential red flag. They're not wrong to be concerned and to raise the question.

What's his family history of alcohol use? What family members of his do you know, and how much do they drink? Any signs of alcoholism?

[Anonymous]

A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be mad at your parents for raising what is a potential red flag. They're not wrong to be concerned and to raise the question.

What's his family history of alcohol use? What family members of his do you know, and how much do they drink? Any signs of alcoholism?

OP - I’ve met his immediate family and none drink that much, 1-3 drinks at dinner would be normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.