Parents raised red flag about S/O...

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for close to three years. We are talking about getting engaged. He is truly a wonderful guy - kind, extremely hard working, considerate of me/my friends and family, and helpful and kind to others, even people he doesn't know. My family really likes him. However, last week my parents sat me down and raised an issue. They told me they love S/O, but thinks he drinks too much and asked if I thought he had a drinking issue. My parents/family in general don't drink AT ALL (several alcoholics in the family) and were concerned that (for example) at a family dinner, the vast majority of people weren't drinking or were having one glass of wine and he had 4-5 beers. Another time, we met up with them after a sporting event and in fairness he was pretty tipsy, although not aggressive or otherwise embarrassing.

I was so upset and taken aback by this, and really disappointed my parents (whose approve means a lot to me) feel this way. On one hand - I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons. On the other hand - he has NEVER been abusive, aggressive, or unkind to me (or anyone) when drinking; would never drive drunk; doesn't drink alone (unless he is extremely good at hiding it; we live together in a studio apt and I WFH full time); he works a very demanding (sometimes physical) job that requires him to leave for work around 3 AM and the drinking has never impacted that. In his mid-20s, he went several years without drinking due to a health problem (not alcohol related). I also blame myself in that I also like to drink and frequently WILL suggest happy hours, brunch, etc. as activities.

I guess I'm not sure how to proceed. My first thought is to frame it as "hey I think we've been drinking too much - can we make an effort to have some alcohol free date nights?" and see how it goes. I would be devastated to end this relationship but at the same time, don't want a lifelong commitment with someone who may have an issue with alcohol.

[Anonymous]

I do not consider this excessive drinking. 4-5 beers socially at once is not a big deal in my opinion as long as that is not several days a week. My ex would occasionally have 5-8 socially but never drank otherwise. Not even at home. Not an issue. Occasional tipsy-ness is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been with my boyfriend for close to three years. We are talking about getting engaged. He is truly a wonderful guy - kind, extremely hard working, considerate of me/my friends and family, and helpful and kind to others, even people he doesn't know. My family really likes him. However, last week my parents sat me down and raised an issue. They told me they love S/O, but thinks he drinks too much and asked if I thought he had a drinking issue. My parents/family in general don't drink AT ALL (several alcoholics in the family) and were concerned that (for example) at a family dinner, the vast majority of people weren't drinking or were having one glass of wine and he had 4-5 beers. Another time, we met up with them after a sporting event and in fairness he was pretty tipsy, although not aggressive or otherwise embarrassing.

I was so upset and taken aback by this, and really disappointed my parents (whose approve means a lot to me) feel this way. On one hand - I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons. On the other hand - he has NEVER been abusive, aggressive, or unkind to me (or anyone) when drinking; would never drive drunk; doesn't drink alone (unless he is extremely good at hiding it; we live together in a studio apt and I WFH full time); he works a very demanding (sometimes physical) job that requires him to leave for work around 3 AM and the drinking has never impacted that. In his mid-20s, he went several years without drinking due to a health problem (not alcohol related). I also blame myself in that I also like to drink and frequently WILL suggest happy hours, brunch, etc. as activities.

I guess I'm not sure how to proceed. My first thought is to frame it as "hey I think we've been drinking too much - can we make an effort to have some alcohol free date nights?" and see how it goes. I would be devastated to end this relationship but at the same time, don't want a lifelong commitment with someone who may have an issue with alcohol.

To me this seems like a lot to drink at your prospective fiancé’s house when no one else is drinking that much and there is no need to do so.

[Anonymous]

Alcohol abuse is no longer just alcoholics or not. "Problem drinking" is the new term. And it can get worse as time goes by.

I would experiment with him being the DD for a few events. See if he can do it.

[Anonymous]

4-5 drinks at a dinner IS a lot. Generally, people's alcohol tolerance goes up over time. Now he needs 4-5 drinks to be happy. In five years it might take 8 drinks. He isn't abusive to you NOW. That might change.

I agree with your parents.

[Anonymous]

This guy has a drinking problem and you should run. Imagine you get married and have an 18 month old and 3 year old and you have to do all the parenting while he downs 5 beers watching football every weekend. He doesn’t have to be an abuser to be a problem drinker.

[Anonymous]

I can sort of understand their concern. Often drinking problems don’t seem like a big deal, but they get worse with age and with kids. You don’t want to be raising kids alone at 40 because dad is a drunk.

[Anonymous]

They know that people from families with alcoholics are likely to marry alcoholics.

4-5 drinks at an Irish wedding isn’t much. But at a dinner with fiancée’s parents where no one else is? Definitely questionable.

[Anonymous]

It does not sound to me like he has a drinking problem at all. Since your family doesn’t drink, 4-5 beers sounds like a lot, but for an adult male it is really not a big deal. I would tell your parents to lighten up, and tell your boyfriend not to drink as much around them because they are judgmental tetotalers.

[Anonymous]

My parents never liked my ex-DH, but they never told me, so I had no idea till we divorced. I don't know if I'd have listened to them had they told me their grievances, but part of me wonders, had they come forward, would I still have gotten married to what turned out to be an abusive jerk who ruined a good part of my life. I'm not saying your SO will turn out to be that way, but instead of being hurt by your parents observations, appreciate them and look at your life with a more objective lens. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Listen to your parents. You are blinded by love and can't see straight. It's easier for him to turn abusive than stop drinking. Him being not abusive today doesn't mean it won't start tomorrow. Address the issue before you move forward. And thank your parents.

[Anonymous]

Someone who cannot read the room well enough to know not to get buzzed with teetotaler in-laws also really is either unable to control their drinking or has limited emotional intelligence.

I married a man whose parents never, ever drink. In 17 years, I have never had a drink around them even though my husband and I enjoy a drink now and then.

[Anonymous]

OP, 4-5 beers at your parents' house when others aren't drinking is a lot.

Mid-20s, he might simply not have learned that you need to adjust your drinking to the situation you find yourself in. Would he drink 4-5 beers if he was out with his boss and boss has one beer and the spouse had nothing?

If he hasn't learned that, then help him learn that. If he can't adjust, then it's a problem. As has already been stated, if it's a problem now it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

That's definitely red flag. I'd have done the same as your parents.

[Anonymous]

Even you know deep down that this guy is a problem drinker whether you tell yourself it is only for “health reasons” or not. People don’t drink less once they have the stress of marriage and kids typically.