Parents raised red flag about S/O...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

Are you OP? Because you need to examine your own drinking and thinking about drinking if you think this.

OP that was not me!

To be honest, I had a Come to Jesus moment with my own drinking several years back. I went to a party school but unfortunately let that continue on post college. It was affecting my health and my relationships (I also had unresolved mental health issues and was self medicating). Luckily, I was able to significantly cut back and feel happier and healthier today.

Do you realize that being in a relationship with a problem drinker can drag you into unhealthy drinking patterns as well? I drink and so does DH, but we don’t around friends and relatives who struggle with drinking.

[Anonymous]

It’s a problem he’s getting drunk at this age wth by this time we were done getting “tipsy” listen to your parents break it off. Or try no alcohol for a few months and he won’t be able to make it through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

If you need to drink to “take the edge off” then that in itself is a red flag. Alcohol should never be a coping mechanism.

And OP, yes that is a lot to drink in that setting. I’d be embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok well I feel like my takeaway from this is totally different from other posters, perhaps because of my family.

But OP, you have been dating this guy for three years and sounds like you think you would marry him. Your parents sat you down to have a 'serious talk' about your SO. But here's the thing, when you get married, you and your SO are on a team. And they become your primary nuclear family. And you can't allow anyone to be able to poison you against one another.

Relevant things about your boyfriend:

1) You didn't think anything was wrong before
2) Even upon examination, you can't think of any event where he mistreated you because of his drinking, you can't think of him making poor decisions because of his drinking
3) In his 20s, which I think probably is not that long ago?, he quit for years with no issue
4) You acknowledge that you instigate many of the drinking events ie happy hours and brunch
5) It is VERY normal to be drunk at a sporting event and have a few drinks at an extended dinner, especially if you were not in the know about the family

Relevant things about you and your parents
1) Your parents bring up a criticism and your takeaway is not to wonder if there is a problem, but to accept that there is a problem and move towards fixing it
2) Your parents are citing behavior at two events, one of which is a dinner the THIRD time they met him but you have been dating for three years, so I assume this was a long time ago. So your parents are keeping some serious score here

If you are considering ending this relationship, I think you should, but not because of your boyfriends drinking. But because you are showing you are the kind of person where a little whisper in your ear about something sprouts legs where there were none, and causes you to doubt him and yourself so dramatically.

If you want to drink less, do dry January (or dry July), and sure talk to your BF about this and be like, 'man do you think we have an issue?' But make it something that the two of you discuss together, not something where your parents gave you a disapproving word and suddenly you're rethinking your entire life plan.

I drank a lot in my 20s, now I'm 36 and have three kids and hardly drink at all. The phase of life you are in right now, is a heavy drinking phase. Young, childless, partying etc. I think I would cut him some slack, cut your parents a lot less slack and tell them to MYOB, and do a serious self examination about why the word of outsiders is, for some reason, more powerful than your own opinion on your choice of life partner.

Oh I forgot the most important relevant thing about your parents

3) They don't drink at all and clearly think drinking is VERY bad/dangerous and so are more likely to have an outsized reaction to it and be unable to judge 'normal' drinking than other people

Also, based on your follow up above that I just read, did they talk to YOU about your issues in college?

Thank you. This is truly helpful.

No, they did not, they were and still aren’t aware.

[Anonymous]

I do wonder if he had 4-5 drinks because he's super nervous around your family. I don't think you described problematic drinking in the abstract, especially for a young, non-married guy pre-kids (and I TOTALLY disagree with the poster who said most people don't drink less once they have kids; my DH & I drink WAY less now that we're super busy, often exhausted & responsible for 3 humans), but it is a weird thing to think is a good idea with your non-drinking future ILs... Unless that is exactly why he did it.

[Anonymous]

OP again and I should add. We are both in our late 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok well I feel like my takeaway from this is totally different from other posters, perhaps because of my family.

But OP, you have been dating this guy for three years and sounds like you think you would marry him. Your parents sat you down to have a 'serious talk' about your SO. But here's the thing, when you get married, you and your SO are on a team. And they become your primary nuclear family. And you can't allow anyone to be able to poison you against one another.

Relevant things about your boyfriend:

1) You didn't think anything was wrong before
2) Even upon examination, you can't think of any event where he mistreated you because of his drinking, you can't think of him making poor decisions because of his drinking
3) In his 20s, which I think probably is not that long ago?, he quit for years with no issue
4) You acknowledge that you instigate many of the drinking events ie happy hours and brunch
5) It is VERY normal to be drunk at a sporting event and have a few drinks at an extended dinner, especially if you were not in the know about the family

Relevant things about you and your parents
1) Your parents bring up a criticism and your takeaway is not to wonder if there is a problem, but to accept that there is a problem and move towards fixing it
2) Your parents are citing behavior at two events, one of which is a dinner the THIRD time they met him but you have been dating for three years, so I assume this was a long time ago. So your parents are keeping some serious score here

If you are considering ending this relationship, I think you should, but not because of your boyfriends drinking. But because you are showing you are the kind of person where a little whisper in your ear about something sprouts legs where there were none, and causes you to doubt him and yourself so dramatically.

If you want to drink less, do dry January (or dry July), and sure talk to your BF about this and be like, 'man do you think we have an issue?' But make it something that the two of you discuss together, not something where your parents gave you a disapproving word and suddenly you're rethinking your entire life plan.

I drank a lot in my 20s, now I'm 36 and have three kids and hardly drink at all. The phase of life you are in right now, is a heavy drinking phase. Young, childless, partying etc. I think I would cut him some slack, cut your parents a lot less slack and tell them to MYOB, and do a serious self examination about why the word of outsiders is, for some reason, more powerful than your own opinion on your choice of life partner.

Oh I forgot the most important relevant thing about your parents

3) They don't drink at all and clearly think drinking is VERY bad/dangerous and so are more likely to have an outsized reaction to it and be unable to judge 'normal' drinking than other people

Also, based on your follow up above that I just read, did they talk to YOU about your issues in college?

Thank you. This is truly helpful.

No, they did not, they were and still aren’t aware.

I am a NP and I 100% agree with this post... down to the personally now having 3 kids & drinking much less. My DH & I drank WAY more in our pre-kid days. My DH would definitely have 4-5 drinks in a night out with my somewhat scary parents. We are now 40 and still like to drink, but it's never more than 1-2 drinks/night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see both sides. My family and my inlaws don't drink. And so they think someone drinking "omg half a bottle!" of wine to be a huge deal, when really it's just 2 glasses. Their lack of alcohol makes holidays feel un-celebratory sometimes. Like no champagne on NYE, no margarita/beer/rose on the 4th of July and no wine with a lovely Christmas dinner. I don't drink to excess but it's kind of boring. Some people also drink a bit more to put up with inlaws (or in your case, future inlaws).

But I will say that drinking goes way up when you have kids and a million stressors in your 30s. It's hard to imagine when you're single and live in apartments how much stress there is. I would watch your boyfriend and stop going to events with drinking. Can he deal with it?

This. OP, is it possible he is nervous or bored around your family? It may be situational. I don’t think drinking more to tolerate one’s in-laws constitutes a drinking problem.

[Anonymous]

What is S/O???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons.

OP did see a problem before. She just felt sensitive that other people see the problem as well.

[Anonymous]

Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

[Anonymous]

Do you live together? I thought wasn't big deal until I moved in. There's such thing as happy alcoholics, functional alcoholics. He is probably alcoholic and needs program. How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And once he gets married, his drinking is likely to double or even triple.

Preposterous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons.

OP did see a problem before. She just felt sensitive that other people see the problem as well.

His intake does meet the definition of binge drinking. So essentially he was binging, (not drinking socially).in a setting where others were abstaining or drinking socially. I agree with starting with that reality and then just talking with him about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

I am the poster who posted the long thing above about the relevant facts about bf/parents.

You don't know that the bolded is true. You don't know that the parents have good/decent judgement on this issue. My mom would have said something like this to manipulate me into dumping my bf and staying by her side forever. There is a LOT of real estate in between what you describe and how I describe my mom, but there are TONS of reasons that OP's parents could be coming from a more self motivated than altruistic place.

I think the fact that they are bringing up an ancient history dinner (the third time they met him! OP's been dating him for three years!) and not a whole series of events says everything that needs to be said.

They're fishing.

OP glad my post helped you, believe in yourself and your own judgement! You saw your own problematic drinking for what it is, so you are not blind to these issues.