Parents raised red flag about S/O...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

Op was it really just two events over a long time? I asked above, wondering why this specifically you won’t answer. Two times over the course of years seems like your parents being crazy and picky

In that case I think most of these people are being a little insane. If I told you my worst drinking story it would a million percent look like I was an alcoholic
(got so drunk was stumbling around a city in the dark, threw up into my purse on the steps of a hotel and someone called an ambulance!), but it was just one crazy night. Even in parental settings, I have had a night where I drank too much around my parents.

Today I am a mom of three that basically only drinks when out which is maybe 1-2 times a month and if I have more than three drinks I get sick because my tolerance is so low hahaha.

People have to be judged on this on a totality of incidents, I know very few people that don't have some crazy or just mildly stupid stories involving alcohol.

And I had an alcoholic parent FWIW so I am not making light of it overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

Op was it really just two events over a long time? I asked above, wondering why this specifically you won’t answer. Two times over the course of years seems like your parents being crazy and picky

In that case I think most of these people are being a little insane. If I told you my worst drinking story it would a million percent look like I was an alcoholic
(got so drunk was stumbling around a city in the dark, threw up into my purse on the steps of a hotel and someone called an ambulance!), but it was just one crazy night. Even in parental settings, I have had a night where I drank too much around my parents.

Today I am a mom of three that basically only drinks when out which is maybe 1-2 times a month and if I have more than three drinks I get sick because my tolerance is so low hahaha.

People have to be judged on this on a totality of incidents, I know very few people that don't have some crazy or just mildly stupid stories involving alcohol.

And I had an alcoholic parent FWIW so I am not making light of it overall.

It's really not about what you think. As po pointed out most people will paint their actions in a better light,band make allowances for other's actions that are similar to their own.

By expert definition op's fiance is a problem/ binge drinker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.

Because it needs repeating.

Thank you, these are helpful.

After reading these, I don't think BF is an alcoholic, but I think we BOTH could benefit from less 'partying' type drinking (and no drinking at all at family functions). I may start with suggesting we try a 'dry' month, or substitute an active date for a weekly happy hour. If he balks at that...well...that's a more serious issue.

Op was it really just two events over a long time? I asked above, wondering why this specifically you won’t answer. Two times over the course of years seems like your parents being crazy and picky

In that case I think most of these people are being a little insane. If I told you my worst drinking story it would a million percent look like I was an alcoholic
(got so drunk was stumbling around a city in the dark, threw up into my purse on the steps of a hotel and someone called an ambulance!), but it was just one crazy night. Even in parental settings, I have had a night where I drank too much around my parents.

Today I am a mom of three that basically only drinks when out which is maybe 1-2 times a month and if I have more than three drinks I get sick because my tolerance is so low hahaha.

People have to be judged on this on a totality of incidents, I know very few people that don't have some crazy or just mildly stupid stories involving alcohol.

And I had an alcoholic parent FWIW so I am not making light of it overall.

It's really not about what you think. As po pointed out most people will paint their actions in a better light,band make allowances for other's actions that are similar to their own.

By expert definition op's fiance is a problem/ binge drinker.

No, by OP's description her fiance has had a single identified episode of binge drinking in two years. And since they are pulling out a reference to the third dinner they had with him likely more than a year ago, the parents likely have no other examples as if I was talking to my kid about a problem with their SO I'd be referencing recent activity and with a gun to my head would not have remembered how many drinks someone had had at a single dinner two years ago.

I agree that people rationalize drinking a lot. I think parents also rationalize interference a lot. And two isolated incidents does not an alcoholic make. OP has said she read the info at those links and doesn't think her BF qualifies. She knows him better than they do, and she is using the totality of his behavior to make a judgement instead of two incidents.

[Anonymous]

4-5 drinks at a dinner seems like a lot - was he nervous? Is he uncomfortable around your family?

Maybe social anxiety or something else is the issue and alcohol is the symptom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4-5 drinks at a dinner seems like a lot - was he nervous? Is he uncomfortable around your family?

Maybe social anxiety or something else is the issue and alcohol is the symptom.

A single dinner that happened years ago per OP.

[Anonymous]

If you are under 30 it doesn't seem that out of the ordinary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

DP. It's strange because you have to read the room. You don't consume 4 - 5 beers when others are drinking nothing or very little.

Plus, it sounds like the fiancé has been around the family many times. This isn't a first meeting, which frankly if it was that would be even worse.

This was maybe the third time.

I do blame myself for not saying "hey, let's not drink today, it's a sore spot for my family and they don't like to see alcohol being consumed'

This would be an insane thing, to have to stage-manage relationships in this way. Surely you realize this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been with my boyfriend for close to three years. We are talking about getting engaged. He is truly a wonderful guy - kind, extremely hard working, considerate of me/my friends and family, and helpful and kind to others, even people he doesn't know. My family really likes him. However, last week my parents sat me down and raised an issue. They told me they love S/O, but thinks he drinks too much and asked if I thought he had a drinking issue. My parents/family in general don't drink AT ALL (several alcoholics in the family) and were concerned that (for example) at a family dinner, the vast majority of people weren't drinking or were having one glass of wine and he had 4-5 beers. Another time, we met up with them after a sporting event and in fairness he was pretty tipsy, although not aggressive or otherwise embarrassing.

I was so upset and taken aback by this, and really disappointed my parents (whose approve means a lot to me) feel this way. On one hand - I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons. On the other hand - he has NEVER been abusive, aggressive, or unkind to me (or anyone) when drinking; would never drive drunk; doesn't drink alone (unless he is extremely good at hiding it; we live together in a studio apt and I WFH full time); he works a very demanding (sometimes physical) job that requires him to leave for work around 3 AM and the drinking has never impacted that. In his mid-20s, he went several years without drinking due to a health problem (not alcohol related). I also blame myself in that I also like to drink and frequently WILL suggest happy hours, brunch, etc. as activities.

I guess I'm not sure how to proceed. My first thought is to frame it as "hey I think we've been drinking too much - can we make an effort to have some alcohol free date nights?" and see how it goes. I would be devastated to end this relationship but at the same time, don't want a lifelong commitment with someone who may have an issue with alcohol.

I don't know if he drinks too much or not, but your reasonings for why he doesn't qualify as having a drinking problem aren't sound. People can be high-functioning alcholics. I know because I lived with one He made 400k a year, ran his own business, had raised a couple successful kids, and never missed work due to being hungover. He also was not a mean drunk. But, he often blacked out, and would not be able to remember entire evenings, or things I told him after he started drinking for the evening. .

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you have your game plan to investigate how serious of an issue this is. Doing a dry month together and alternative activities to happy hours, afterward cutting back on drinking some, etc. Then you can take it from there, based on how he's able to handle cutting back the alcohol. If you start to see the signs that he can't cut back and is truly an alcoholic, you'll have a better idea of how to proceed.

Whatever happens, please don't get hung up on the "I've already invested 3 years, I can't give up now" fallacy. You're only in your late 20's, and there are many folks on this forum who would give anything to go back and break up rather than just keep going, suffering all that they did afterward, because they had already invested time. Hopefully things will be fine and your parents' worry will be for naught. But don't be afraid to walk away if need be.

[Anonymous]

This is pretty normal. Your parents don't drink so they are probably thinking it is not normal.

[Anonymous]

He sounds fine to me. Keep him girl! Your parents are biased and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been with my boyfriend for close to three years. We are talking about getting engaged. He is truly a wonderful guy - kind, extremely hard working, considerate of me/my friends and family, and helpful and kind to others, even people he doesn't know. My family really likes him. However, last week my parents sat me down and raised an issue. They told me they love S/O, but thinks he drinks too much and asked if I thought he had a drinking issue. My parents/family in general don't drink AT ALL (several alcoholics in the family) and were concerned that (for example) at a family dinner, the vast majority of people weren't drinking or were having one glass of wine and he had 4-5 beers. Another time, we met up with them after a sporting event and in fairness he was pretty tipsy, although not aggressive or otherwise embarrassing.

I was so upset and taken aback by this, and really disappointed my parents (whose approve means a lot to me) feel this way. On one hand - I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons. On the other hand - he has NEVER been abusive, aggressive, or unkind to me (or anyone) when drinking; would never drive drunk; doesn't drink alone (unless he is extremely good at hiding it; we live together in a studio apt and I WFH full time); he works a very demanding (sometimes physical) job that requires him to leave for work around 3 AM and the drinking has never impacted that. In his mid-20s, he went several years without drinking due to a health problem (not alcohol related). I also blame myself in that I also like to drink and frequently WILL suggest happy hours, brunch, etc. as activities.

I guess I'm not sure how to proceed. My first thought is to frame it as "hey I think we've been drinking too much - can we make an effort to have some alcohol free date nights?" and see how it goes. I would be devastated to end this relationship but at the same time, don't want a lifelong commitment with someone who may have an issue with alcohol.

It's interesting in your OP post that you feel responsible for some of of his drinking. More than anything else in your original message that would be a red flag for me. You are not married yet. Time to investigate this with eyes wide open.

https://al-anon.org/

Don't get married or have kids yet until you have resolved this for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

DP. It's strange because you have to read the room. You don't consume 4 - 5 beers when others are drinking nothing or very little.

Plus, it sounds like the fiancé has been around the family many times. This isn't a first meeting, which frankly if it was that would be even worse.

This was maybe the third time.

I do blame myself for not saying "hey, let's not drink today, it's a sore spot for my family and they don't like to see alcohol being consumed'

This would be an insane thing, to have to stage-manage relationships in this way. Surely you realize this?

It's what people who are in relationships with alcoholics do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been with my boyfriend for close to three years. We are talking about getting engaged. He is truly a wonderful guy - kind, extremely hard working, considerate of me/my friends and family, and helpful and kind to others, even people he doesn't know. My family really likes him. However, last week my parents sat me down and raised an issue. They told me they love S/O, but thinks he drinks too much and asked if I thought he had a drinking issue. My parents/family in general don't drink AT ALL (several alcoholics in the family) and were concerned that (for example) at a family dinner, the vast majority of people weren't drinking or were having one glass of wine and he had 4-5 beers. Another time, we met up with them after a sporting event and in fairness he was pretty tipsy, although not aggressive or otherwise embarrassing.

I was so upset and taken aback by this, and really disappointed my parents (whose approve means a lot to me) feel this way. On one hand - I think he does drink too much and too often and should cut back for health reasons. On the other hand - he has NEVER been abusive, aggressive, or unkind to me (or anyone) when drinking; would never drive drunk; doesn't drink alone (unless he is extremely good at hiding it; we live together in a studio apt and I WFH full time); he works a very demanding (sometimes physical) job that requires him to leave for work around 3 AM and the drinking has never impacted that. In his mid-20s, he went several years without drinking due to a health problem (not alcohol related). I also blame myself in that I also like to drink and frequently WILL suggest happy hours, brunch, etc. as activities.

I guess I'm not sure how to proceed. My first thought is to frame it as "hey I think we've been drinking too much - can we make an effort to have some alcohol free date nights?" and see how it goes. I would be devastated to end this relationship but at the same time, don't want a lifelong commitment with someone who may have an issue with alcohol.

You did not find it embarrassing that he was tipsy in the presence of your parents? I certainly would.

Regarding blame, your self-blame is very very common among people in relationships with alcoholics. The mantra goes something like, "if only I [X], then he won't drink." That is a marker of the codependency that is a hallmark of the alcoholic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.

I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

DP. It's strange because you have to read the room. You don't consume 4 - 5 beers when others are drinking nothing or very little.

Plus, it sounds like the fiancé has been around the family many times. This isn't a first meeting, which frankly if it was that would be even worse.

This was maybe the third time.

I do blame myself for not saying "hey, let's not drink today, it's a sore spot for my family and they don't like to see alcohol being consumed'

This would be an insane thing, to have to stage-manage relationships in this way. Surely you realize this?

It's what people who are in relationships with alcoholics do.

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