Living a double life

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure an AP counts as a double life. Or pretending you have a family when you don’t. Maybe I’m underestimating the amount of lying and creating credible alibis and artifacts to support them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like something criminal?

Or like my dad who secretly started a second family while still married to my mom?

Wait, what?

Evidentially, it’s not as rare as I thought.

They should be thoroughly embarrassed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had an AP for 9 years. No one knows.

That's just it. The fact that a double life can possibly go on for years and years is flabbergasting.

The fact that the person doing it can act like they're not, is absolute sociopath/psychopath material.

I'm the person with the AP. I agree in the abstract it sounds sociopathic to compartmentalize that way, but in practice it seems relatable. We have alone time together every day at work and then we don't talk on weekends or evenings. Don't most people have a work life their spouse doesn't know every detail of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had an AP for 9 years. No one knows.

That's just it. The fact that a double life can possibly go on for years and years is flabbergasting.

The fact that the person doing it can act like they're not, is absolute sociopath/psychopath material.

I'm the person with the AP. I agree in the abstract it sounds sociopathic to compartmentalize that way, but in practice it seems relatable. We have alone time together every day at work and then we don't talk on weekends or evenings. Don't most people have a work life their spouse doesn't know every detail of?

PP again. In fact it's kinda like my workday is my pleasurable romantic relationship time and my home life is my work time coordinating and managing schedules and household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had an AP for 9 years. No one knows.

That's just it. The fact that a double life can possibly go on for years and years is flabbergasting.

The fact that the person doing it can act like they're not, is absolute sociopath/psychopath material.

I'm the person with the AP. I agree in the abstract it sounds sociopathic to compartmentalize that way, but in practice it seems relatable. We have alone time together every day at work and then we don't talk on weekends or evenings. Don't most people have a work life their spouse doesn't know every detail of?

PP again. In fact it's kinda like my workday is my pleasurable romantic relationship time and my home life is my work time coordinating and managing schedules and household.

Why not divorce? 9 years is a serious commitment and it sounds like you aren't happy in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived a double life growing up. At home, life was ruled by a tyrannical, abusive alcoholic father who made our lives miserable. We were always on eggshells, waiting for the next rage to start. Outside the home, I was completely different. No one knew how horrific my home life was. I was well liked, funny, smart, involved in school - a real wholesome girl. I was very careful to keep my two lives separate and when they did come into contact with each other, I lied like the devil to preserve the facade. It all came to an end when my father killed himself. I suffered from PTSD for years and even now, in my 50s, someone walking into my bedroom unannounced will put me in fight/flight mode.

Is that the double life you're talking about?

I'm so sorry, pp. I hope you're able to heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never understood how someone could juggle the time and financial demands of a double life. It seems like it's usually men that do it. Probably because women don't have time or energy to take care of two families and households.

This. The women handle everything and the man can breeze in and out. There's no way some guy doing even 1/3 of the childcare and domestic work would try to start a new secret family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had an AP for 9 years. No one knows.

That's just it. The fact that a double life can possibly go on for years and years is flabbergasting.

The fact that the person doing it can act like they're not, is absolute sociopath/psychopath material.

It causes an emotional break for the spouse (and the kids of that find out- as often will detect something before parent) when they find this out. The level of betrayal and tone is absolutely devastating. I found out about a 4-year one and it nearly killed me. Nobody suspected a thing and that level of compartmentalization is sociopathic.

Do you happen to be a child if an alcoholic parent? The ability to lie without empathy or guilt and keep life in separate boxes is textbook of kids raised that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I've had an AP for 9 years. No one knows.


That's just it. The fact that a double life can possibly go on for years and years is flabbergasting.

The fact that the person doing it can act like they're not, is absolute sociopath/psychopath material.


I'm the person with the AP. I agree in the abstract it sounds sociopathic to compartmentalize that way, but in practice it seems relatable. We have alone time together every day at work and then we don't talk on weekends or evenings. Don't most people have a work life their spouse doesn't know every detail of?


PP again. In fact it's kinda like my workday is my pleasurable romantic relationship time and my home life is my work time coordinating and managing schedules and household.

Wow you have really rationalized this to yourself. Yes, most people don’t share every detail of their work day with their spouses, but most people aren’t cheating and lying about their lives to other people. Don’t pretend what you are doing is normal or acceptable. Like PP said, you sound sociopathic to someone extent, or you have a personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

I lived a double life for a few years. I had an affair. Both myself and my AP were married. One day he came to me and told me he’d left his wife. I couldn’t bring myself to leave my husband, but I lied to my AP and told him I had. So for 18 months, I was cheating on both of them. It was insane. I can’t even describe the insane machinations I had to employ in order to keep up the ruse. Meanwhile I hated myself. Eventually I broke up with my AP and went into intensive therapy. I’m still married to my husband.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a lie if you believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived a double life for a few years. I had an affair. Both myself and my AP were married. One day he came to me and told me he’d left his wife. I couldn’t bring myself to leave my husband, but I lied to my AP and told him I had. So for 18 months, I was cheating on both of them. It was insane. I can’t even describe the insane machinations I had to employ in order to keep up the ruse. Meanwhile I hated myself. Eventually I broke up with my AP and went into intensive therapy. I’m still married to my husband.

That sounds like hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had an AP for 9 years. No one knows.

That's just it. The fact that a double life can possibly go on for years and years is flabbergasting.

The fact that the person doing it can act like they're not, is absolute sociopath/psychopath material.

I'm the person with the AP. I agree in the abstract it sounds sociopathic to compartmentalize that way, but in practice it seems relatable. We have alone time together every day at work and then we don't talk on weekends or evenings. Don't most people have a work life their spouse doesn't know every detail of?

PP again. In fact it's kinda like my workday is my pleasurable romantic relationship time and my home life is my work time coordinating and managing schedules and household.

Why not divorce? 9 years is a serious commitment and it sounds like you aren't happy in your marriage.

We both have kids and want to prioritize their stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've had an AP for 9 years. No one knows.


That's just it. The fact that a double life can possibly go on for years and years is flabbergasting.

The fact that the person doing it can act like they're not, is absolute sociopath/psychopath material.


I'm the person with the AP. I agree in the abstract it sounds sociopathic to compartmentalize that way, but in practice it seems relatable. We have alone time together every day at work and then we don't talk on weekends or evenings. Don't most people have a work life their spouse doesn't know every detail of?


PP again. In fact it's kinda like my workday is my pleasurable romantic relationship time and my home life is my work time coordinating and managing schedules and household.

Wow you have really rationalized this to yourself. Yes, most people don’t share every detail of their work day with their spouses, but most people aren’t cheating and lying about their lives to other people. Don’t pretend what you are doing is normal or acceptable. Like PP said, you sound sociopathic to someone extent, or you have a personality disorder.

I'm not pretending it's normal or acceptable - hence not telling anyone about it. That said, my husband is a mentally ill pain in the a** who prefers a platonic relationship with me, so no I don't feel much guilt and I think my choices are understandable when you hear the whole story. Still not "acceptable" or ideal, but understandable.

To another PP, no, no alcoholics or abuse in my upbringing.

[Anonymous]

I'd last a day and a half before I broke. Two tops.