Would you have a baby with little to no support system?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I could purchase that support system, meaning:
-au pair
-therapy and massages for myself
-cleaners
-weekend nanny
-Amazon prime
-food delivery whenever I want or need

+1 great response

This. We can afford some of that but it's still hard without any family help. And, yes, I have a DH but he travels a lot (he'll be gone 5 out of the next 8 weeks) and we both work.

Does he contribute income?

When people talk about their DH as not being a source of support, I always wonder if they're just so privileged that they don't realize the enormous burden of being the sole financial provider for kids.

If someone is either taking on that burden for your kids, or sharing that burden so you don't have it, then they are doing something that's much more important than a grandparent babysitting once in a while.

Yes, so what? We both contribute money. And yes, there are people worse off than we are. That doesn't mean my position is not valid. We are not rich. It would be helpful to not HAVE to pay out the nose for child care, and all of the other things that go with maintaining a home and child, once in awhile.

BTW, I didn't say DH wasn't any support. But, he's about to leave for 3 weeks straight. I'll be underwater for 3 weeks balancing it all. It's still hard and the fact that others have it worse doesn't change that.

You wrote that you get no family help. Unless you don’t consider him family I am confused by your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

+1 You would let your niece/nephew go into foster care because they are spoiled? That's terrible.... I'm barely speaking to my sister, and I think her kids are bratty, but I would no question take them in if something happened to her. BUT, I have to say, it is overall a good point that you should have at least one person in your life who could take your child if you passed away.

I worked years ago with children in foster care. Actually the biggest problem is people who claim they would take the child where the families were actually connected and then they are too busy/too overwhelmed with life stressors. There is absolutely no reason to expect someone you are not close with to take your child. Family or not. The terrible person is the person who says they would gladly take the child and they don't or the person who puts a bunch of family members down without consulting with them. You find out the person was estranged and yet somehow expected her brother/sister to take over. It's unrealistic. This is a HUMAN we are talking about, not a dog or cat. People need to actually put effort into building support networks, especially if they are not close with family. Even if you are close with family, you need to make sure they truly will be there for tragedy. It's not just if someone dies. I hate to get gruesome, but it's also if there is a car accident and the person is incapacitated for a long period of time or the person becomes severely disabled.

I would not go judging anyone until you are in the position. We met plenty of churchy, wholesome people who told sob stories about why they can't take their sister's kid even though sissy was their BFF through life. Also, when there are estrangements or lots of discord, even when the sibling is willing to take the child, sometimes the child has poisoned against the person so much the child does not want the placement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

If someone doesn't think they can be a loving, adequate caregiver to an orphaned child, and will instead resent them, as PP seems to, they should NOT take them.

Pointing out that the poster sounds like a jerk. Clearly has sister issues, but taking it out on the child. Not a good human IMO.

She’s not responsible for the child the sister created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

+1 You would let your niece/nephew go into foster care because they are spoiled? That's terrible.... I'm barely speaking to my sister, and I think her kids are bratty, but I would no question take them in if something happened to her. BUT, I have to say, it is overall a good point that you should have at least one person in your life who could take your child if you passed away.

I worked years ago with children in foster care. Actually the biggest problem is people who claim they would take the child where the families were actually connected and then they are too busy/too overwhelmed with life stressors. There is absolutely no reason to expect someone you are not close with to take your child. Family or not. The terrible person is the person who says they would gladly take the child and they don't or the person who puts a bunch of family members down without consulting with them. You find out the person was estranged and yet somehow expected her brother/sister to take over. It's unrealistic. This is a HUMAN we are talking about, not a dog or cat. People need to actually put effort into building support networks, especially if they are not close with family. Even if you are close with family, you need to make sure they truly will be there for tragedy. It's not just if someone dies. I hate to get gruesome, but it's also if there is a car accident and the person is incapacitated for a long period of time or the person becomes severely disabled.

I would not go judging anyone until you are in the position. We met plenty of churchy, wholesome people who told sob stories about why they can't take their sister's kid even though sissy was their BFF through life. Also, when there are estrangements or lots of discord, even when the sibling is willing to take the child, sometimes the child has poisoned against the person so much the child does not want the placement.

Thanks for sharing. I’m a childfree by choice person who was raised by my abusive martyr aunt. Kinship care isn’t necessarily better than adoption and honestly I would have much preferred the foster system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

+1 You would let your niece/nephew go into foster care because they are spoiled? That's terrible.... I'm barely speaking to my sister, and I think her kids are bratty, but I would no question take them in if something happened to her. BUT, I have to say, it is overall a good point that you should have at least one person in your life who could take your child if you passed away.

I worked years ago with children in foster care. Actually the biggest problem is people who claim they would take the child where the families were actually connected and then they are too busy/too overwhelmed with life stressors. There is absolutely no reason to expect someone you are not close with to take your child. Family or not. The terrible person is the person who says they would gladly take the child and they don't or the person who puts a bunch of family members down without consulting with them. You find out the person was estranged and yet somehow expected her brother/sister to take over. It's unrealistic. This is a HUMAN we are talking about, not a dog or cat. People need to actually put effort into building support networks, especially if they are not close with family. Even if you are close with family, you need to make sure they truly will be there for tragedy. It's not just if someone dies. I hate to get gruesome, but it's also if there is a car accident and the person is incapacitated for a long period of time or the person becomes severely disabled.

I would not go judging anyone until you are in the position. We met plenty of churchy, wholesome people who told sob stories about why they can't take their sister's kid even though sissy was their BFF through life. Also, when there are estrangements or lots of discord, even when the sibling is willing to take the child, sometimes the child has poisoned against the person so much the child does not want the placement.

Thanks for sharing. I’m a childfree by choice person who was raised by my abusive martyr aunt. Kinship care isn’t necessarily better than adoption and honestly I would have much preferred the foster system.

I am so sorry you went through that. I hope your life is better now!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

+1 You would let your niece/nephew go into foster care because they are spoiled? That's terrible.... I'm barely speaking to my sister, and I think her kids are bratty, but I would no question take them in if something happened to her. BUT, I have to say, it is overall a good point that you should have at least one person in your life who could take your child if you passed away.

I worked years ago with children in foster care. Actually the biggest problem is people who claim they would take the child where the families were actually connected and then they are too busy/too overwhelmed with life stressors. There is absolutely no reason to expect someone you are not close with to take your child. Family or not. The terrible person is the person who says they would gladly take the child and they don't or the person who puts a bunch of family members down without consulting with them. You find out the person was estranged and yet somehow expected her brother/sister to take over. It's unrealistic. This is a HUMAN we are talking about, not a dog or cat. People need to actually put effort into building support networks, especially if they are not close with family. Even if you are close with family, you need to make sure they truly will be there for tragedy. It's not just if someone dies. I hate to get gruesome, but it's also if there is a car accident and the person is incapacitated for a long period of time or the person becomes severely disabled.

I would not go judging anyone until you are in the position. We met plenty of churchy, wholesome people who told sob stories about why they can't take their sister's kid even though sissy was their BFF through life. Also, when there are estrangements or lots of discord, even when the sibling is willing to take the child, sometimes the child has poisoned against the person so much the child does not want the placement.

Thanks for sharing. I’m a childfree by choice person who was raised by my abusive martyr aunt. Kinship care isn’t necessarily better than adoption and honestly I would have much preferred the foster system.

I am so sorry you went through that. I hope your life is better now!!!!

In many ways, yes. Because I moved to another country and no longer communicate with her. She's either an emotional vampire or trying to manipulate me into handling her financial problems so I have come to realize it's healthier for me to go NC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I had a child and discovered my support system was crap, so yes? Love my kid, and glad I have her, so I guess another yes. But not going to have another one specifically because no I know how people can just kind of disappear when you need them most, or can look at a new mom trying to make it work and think only if their own issues. I can’t have another kid knowing what I know now, especially because it would just screw over my existing child.

Oh, and I’m married and my husband is a good, involved dad. So I have it better than some. But your DH can’t be your whole support system. They’re a new parent too, they need support too. You need people outside your immediate family unit. We thought it would be our family and friends; we were incorrect.

What exactly were you expecting from family and friends that a 2-parent household with a single child couldn't do?

My question too...

[Anonymous]

Yes, but I’ve also built my own support system. I’m naturally extroverted and love to help people, so when I ended up a single mom 2000 miles away from any family, there were several people who could step in and help me out.

It does require you to give - I watch other people’s kids, get them groceries, cook them dinner, etc all the time - but ultimately it’s made my life SO much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to have a support system and I would only consider having a child without one if you have lots of money, but it's still an issue. While you can buy part of a support system, you need to be able list people who will raise that child if you become incapacitated or die.

I have a family member who did this. She luckily makes enough money to buy many supports, but she is an incredibly nasty person to us and she is over-indulging the child to the point there would be a lot of entitled behaviors to undo. None of us are willing to be her emergency person. We are overwhelmed enough with our own kids (one of mine has special needs, my brother has one with medical issues) and eldercare issues from hell.

Speaking of eldercare said sibling uses the child as an excuse to do nothing which is fine because she would do nothing if she didn't have a child too. However, it's all the more reason we cannot be her emergency person.There are constant emergencies with our own parents. Add to that the emergencies that come up with your kids and spouse and you basically overtax what remnant of a support system you might have. Like maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate I would forgive a sibling who was jerk my whole life and be there for their spoiled, rude and entitled kid as needed. I would do the work to reverse the damage, teach manners and character, but now I'm sorry. My family I created is my number 1 priority.

So if your sister passed away, and your niece/nephew needed a home, you wouldn't take this kid in? YIKES.

+1 You would let your niece/nephew go into foster care because they are spoiled? That's terrible.... I'm barely speaking to my sister, and I think her kids are bratty, but I would no question take them in if something happened to her. BUT, I have to say, it is overall a good point that you should have at least one person in your life who could take your child if you passed away.

I worked years ago with children in foster care. Actually the biggest problem is people who claim they would take the child where the families were actually connected and then they are too busy/too overwhelmed with life stressors. There is absolutely no reason to expect someone you are not close with to take your child. Family or not. The terrible person is the person who says they would gladly take the child and they don't or the person who puts a bunch of family members down without consulting with them. You find out the person was estranged and yet somehow expected her brother/sister to take over. It's unrealistic. This is a HUMAN we are talking about, not a dog or cat. People need to actually put effort into building support networks, especially if they are not close with family. Even if you are close with family, you need to make sure they truly will be there for tragedy. It's not just if someone dies. I hate to get gruesome, but it's also if there is a car accident and the person is incapacitated for a long period of time or the person becomes severely disabled.

I would not go judging anyone until you are in the position. We met plenty of churchy, wholesome people who told sob stories about why they can't take their sister's kid even though sissy was their BFF through life. Also, when there are estrangements or lots of discord, even when the sibling is willing to take the child, sometimes the child has poisoned against the person so much the child does not want the placement.

Thanks for sharing. I’m a childfree by choice person who was raised by my abusive martyr aunt. Kinship care isn’t necessarily better than adoption and honestly I would have much preferred the foster system.

I am so sorry you went through that. I hope your life is better now!!!!

In many ways, yes. Because I moved to another country and no longer communicate with her. She's either an emotional vampire or trying to manipulate me into handling her financial problems so I have come to realize it's healthier for me to go NC.

I am glad you got away and are happier!